Overheard at the office.

Employee #1: Hey, employee #2! Go check out that lady at the front! She's a bit older but HOO! And that rack!

Employee #2: Hey, employee #3! Go check out that lady at the front! She's a bit older but HOO! And that rack!

Employee #3: Hey, employee #4! Go check out that lady at the front! She's a bit older but HOO! And that rack!

Employee #4: Hey, employee #5! Go check out that lady at the front! She's a bit older but HOO! And that rack!

Employee #5: OMG that's my MOTHER!

=================================

I would like to thank Technodoll from Bubblegum diaries. She thinks i'm cool. So cool, she gave me this award:
Thank you Technodoll! And thank you for reading my blog, even in public. So Nerr.

=================================

Stay tuned for the ongoing saga of my superpower, that will be my next post.

I'm thinking of a new business

And that new business is a nudist colony.

Thinking about it, it seems like a good proposition.

Advantages:

You could tell when it was too cold, very, very easily.
No need to install changerooms
Very easy to see when someone was REALLY happy to see you
Inexpensive air conditioning bills
Open a formal dining room with a simplistic dress code
No need for laundry facilities
If you had cats, there'd be all SORTS of swinging dangly bits to keep them entertained
I'd probably get to meet C.Rag on my opening day
I could make ALL SORTS of money letting perverts set up hidden cameras.
Going swimming would take little or no prep time, just jump on in.

Of course, there's one major disadvantage:

I think I'll pass, thanks.

To a man, from his Junk

Hey there Buddy,

It's been great hanging with you all these years, through thick and thin, with all of its ups and downs.

I don't want to sound like a whiner, but I do have a few things I'd like to ask of you. Firstly, I'd like to get to the underwear.

Boxers are fantastic. They're roomy, airy, and those hairy twins that live under me don't get sweaty and slimy. I hate it when they're slimy; how would you like resting on a booger couch? The only thing I ask - no, insist upon, is you wear the boxers that have a button on the pee flap. I am seriously tired of flopping out and having to dodge the zipper on your pants, ok?

Tighty whities are an absolute no no. The twins get sweaty, and I'm pressed right up against them. One of them has some serious halitosis. It's not fun.

Speaking of halitosis, if you ever, EVER wear a thong again, I'm going to throttle you! I'll go on strike and never work again. The damned thing forces me past the twins to be pretty much face to face with some sort of brown hole. I have no idea what it is, only that it smells like manure and occasionally blows some nasty wind in my face. You're lucky I haven't yet puked.

Puking is the second thing I wanted to talk to you about. You know that girl you picked up last week, the one with a yest infection? She did NOT taste like freshly baked bread like you promised. I had to up chuck the minute I got in there. I did however enjoy her sarcastic disappointment, as well as the screaming to have you drive her to the doctor RIGHT THIS MINUTE for something called a morning after pill. I don't know what a morning after pill is, and besides, it wasn't even close to morning. Women are so silly.

So why exactly is it you force me to puke so often? If its not in some womens stink hole, you choke me until I barf. Every single day too(though the latter is more common than the former). Why are you forcing bulimia on me and then complain I'm not fat enough? Start making some damned sense!

When it's cold, I shrink. That's how I deal with cold. Get used to it. Also, water is generally cold. I'm just letting you know that, because you have this rather large and ill fitting pair of swimming trunks. If they are to fall off I'll get called 'peewee' or 'acorn' and that will damage both of our egos.

My final complaint is in regards to your drinking. I get sick and tired of listening to your alcohol induced crap, so I just go to sleep. I know that doesn't help you with last call women, so ease up on the beer, ok? Also, because I go to bed so early, I'm up bright and early the next morning. I hope you enjoy our wrestling matches in the bathroom.

I think that's everything I wanted to say. Lets chat about this sometime, shall we?

-Your Pal,
The Penis

Hey Schmuck

Listen buddy, that guy that rests on us most of the day? He's a real DICK! Do something about his attitude or we'll stick to your thighs and make you SUPER uncomfortable, ok?

-All the best
The ball brothers

=========

If you liked the above, you might also like:
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Revenge of the Aussie
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More Google Perverts!

Woody Carpet

I took the day off yesterday to help my old man move into a new office building. The old building was scheduled for demolition to make way for something newer, nicer, bigger, and even more useless.

The new office building, actually an old house, is only 90 years old as compared to the 150 year old building they came from. He's still with the same crew of lawyers, lawyers assistants, and secretaries.

What I'm trying to say is that as an accountant, he's the least scummy professional in the building. Not by much, but all the lawyers look to him for moral advice. And then do the opposite.

The first thing we did was lay down a carpet over the hardwood floor that my old man had purchased earlier in the week. Just as we finished laying the carpet, one of the lawyers assistants walked in, cleaner in one hand, rag in the other. This is the following conversation that took place.

Assistant: Oh! Your carpet doesn't cover all of your wood!
Old Man: Yea, I had it trimmed. Do you think it looks good?
Assistant: Oh, it looks great!
Assistant: And the wood looks really good too. It's in really great shape for being so old.
Old Man: Yea, if lay down some nice wood you have to keep it in good shape.
Assistant: Would you like me to polish the wood sticking out of the carpet?
Old Man: Yes, please. That would be great.

I was doing my very, very best not to laugh or snicker listening to this conversation. Does that make me a bad person?

=======

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Those pervert google keywords

Once again, I've delved into my google analytics account, and dredged through some of the keyword combinations that make it to my blog.

Folks, there are some very, very disturbed and perverted folks out there. Seriously disturbed and perverted.

So, for your reading pleasure, I've decided to share with you my top ten perverted google keywords that make it to my blog! In no particular order:

1.Anal Probing Female

This guy is pretty much completely sexually confused. He likes it up the arse like a gay guy would but he wants a woman to do it. I'm just assuming it's a man.... if its a woman, she's equally confused. Here's a tip: canvass the U.S./American border. Take note of the duty roster for those who do strip searches. When it's a female on duty, drive to the border with tan, beard, turban, smoking a joint while screaming AAEEIIIIII LALALALALALLALA! I guarantee you'll get anally probed.

2.Coffee Bean in Poo

I'm pretty sure that this is coming from fecal Japan. Enuff said.

3.Colon Hydrotherapy Deaths

If you're so convinced that you're going to die from having water squirted up your bum to research it, then you really, really shouldn't go. Remember the Spazoid advice: That hole is exit only.

4.Space Poo

Yup, it floats.

5.fat belly & body type & arrestable

I didn't realize having a particular body type is an arrestable offence. I bet anyone here 10 bucks that the guy who did this search is an owner of an all you can eat buffet.

6.Some people think I'm a beaver

Put down the stick, cut off the tail, and shave your body.

7.Anal probing in babies

I hope to HELL that this is some curious space aliens. If not, somebody call the cops.

8.Benefits of cunt licking

Well, big fella, there's lots. She'll stop nagging for a while. She'll cook you dinner. She'll do your laundry. She might even reciprocate! What I'm saying is, lick like you've never licked before and you just can't go wrong. Never mind the aftertaste. You'll get used to it.

9.Coffee up the bum

Wrong orifice, IDIOT!

10. Cool kids fags

Yea, I said this all throughout high school. Yea, that's ok. The cool kids are a bunch of fags anyways!

BONUS KEYWORDS

11. First fag why does my throat hurt

I'm not particularly experienced in this department, but I've discussed the semantics with a female co worker. She says you're taking too much, just ease back a bit, big fella.

There's lots and lots more. LOTS! And they get WORSE. I can't wait to share them with you.

Until then -

========

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Revenge of the Aussie

Last Friday, I had the dubious honour of dinner with family friends. Staying with these friends are two lovely young exchange students, one from Venezuela and one from Australia.

Since my Spanish is as good as my Martian, I elected not to pick on the girl from Venezuala. She might weigh 100 lbs, but I have a feeling she'd be able to Judo my ass into next week. Instead, I asked another Aussie, Miss Milk, about things that I shouldn't (should, hehehe) say to Australians. Miss Milk was nice enough to dedicate an entire blog to it, which you can read here.

Spazoid: So, Miss Aussie, I know someone who's an Australian and...
Miss Aussie rolls eyes
Spazoid: Anyways, she said that there's a word that
Miss Aussie pulls out a dagger
Spazoid: ...that might mean
Miss Aussie pulls back her jacket to reveal fully loaded .45
Spazoid: something different to you than it does to us.
Miss Aussie: What's that?
Spazoid: Fanny pack?
Miss Aussie: Never heard of it.

Thanks Miss Milk!

So instead I did a horrible impression of the crocodile hunter and she told me I sounded British. Figures.

I thought it was over. Miss Aussie had other plans. Later on in the evening, she went to her room and brought back something called vegemite. I've heard of it before, but only in passing. Apparently, vegemite is an Australian staple, something like peanut butter is here.

Let me assure you folks, it was NOTHING like peanut butter. NOTHING. Have a look:

We have something similar here in Canada. It's called AXLE GREASE. That's about the colour and consistency of this stuff. It also smells like death.

The Australians spread it thinly over large hunks of bread and pile cheese on top of it to hide the god aweful smell and flavour of this stuff. I didn't know that. All I remember is Miss Aussie handing me a small spoonful of it to try.

Being the guy I am, I shoved it in my mouth. I went through three different stages of reactions as three separate tastes bombarded my mouth.

Stage one: Salt.
Stage two: The taste of deathStage three: The aftertaste that wants to party past closing time.
After a gallon of water and the iron will not to projectile vomit the contents of my dinner all over Miss Aussies nice clean white sweater, the taste finally went away. I thought that the vegemite was done with me. I was wrong.

See, vegemite is not food. Vegemite is the result of a yeast culture. That's right people, vegemite is plain, pure, simple, unadulterated micro-organism. Let me tell you, it's one hell of a STRONG micro-organism too. The vegemite goal was control over my small intestine, and they were determined to oust the e.coli that resided there. Unknown to me, the battle raged between two strong opponents, pictured below.

The battlefield was my small intestine. As with any war, there was collateral damage to the war field.

When I woke up the next morning, my sphincter was on FIRE! I thought it was because of the unusually large and rich meal I had the night before. I ran to the bathroom and several kilos of raging hot lava erupted into the porcelain bowl, registering somewhere between a fat peoples Pilate's class and Godzilla on the Richter scale.

I thought it was over. The vegemite had other ideas.

I had to drive into the big city that day. I'm the best man in a friends wedding, and we were going to get fitted for tuxedo's. I was to meet him at his house by 9 am. The drive was about an hours long, and half way through my gut started to gurgle.

Gurgle gurgle gurgle. And my foot pressed the accelerator. The speedometer read 110.

Gurgle gurgle gurgle. 115.

Gurgle gurgle. 120.

I got to his house a full half hour earlier than was expected.

Spazoid: Rings doorbell.
Nothing.
Spazoid: Rings door bell again.
Nothing.
Spazoid: Frantically pounds on the door.
Friends finance: You're early! We're still sleeping! Come back later!
Spazoid: Pounding on the door hard enough to make the brick walls buckle
Friend: Opens door... Hey Buddy! Glad you could....
Spazoid: NO TIME!
Friend: Nodding knowingly I'll go get the Lysol air spray. Tp's under the sink.

In the end, the battle raged until Monday. The vegemites put up a fierce battle, but one of their own, a disgruntled traitor that was tired of tasting like death, showed my army of E.Coli another path through the spleen. In the end, the mighty vegemite was defeated, but not before costing me $83.00 in toilet paper.

The moral of the story? If you annoy a teenaged Australian girl, don't accept any food from her.

=============

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Primates Rule!

C.Rag doesn't like primates in any form. I don't understand what's the matter with her.

Seriously.

Monkeys are FUNNY. They do all the things that retarded people do that we find funny. The difference is, IT'S OK FOR US TO LAUGH AT THEM.

Like, when I see a retarded person stick his finger in the dirt, his ear, his nose, his dirty un-wiped bum, and then his mouth, I laugh. Well, except I keep it on the D/L because I'm afraid a group of fat crusading mothers with no rational thought and nothing better to do will beat me to a bloody pulp and sue me after I get out of the hospital for causing emotional distress. And win.

But go to the zoo and see a monkey beating off or throwing poo at another monkey, laugh away! People will join you!

Really, how can a monkey NOT be funny?



==========

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The Commandments of SpazoGod!

The commandments of SpazoGod!

My very funny friend, Mental Poo, thought it would be a neat idea to come up with his own, personalized brand of the ten commandments. He only came up with five, before deferring to a higher authority, his wife.

But before he gave the reigns to his boss, he set out an offer to let us lowly peons pretend like we're god and come up with our own ten commandments. Since there is no Mrs. Spazoid to defer to, I'll be coming up with all TEN of my commandments myself! Some will be serious, and some will not be serious. If you can't tell which ones are serious and which ones aren't, then you need to pay attention to my first commandment:

1.Thou shalt recognize ones own stupidity!
That's right. Understand that most of today's population are gibbering retards. I attribute that half to herd mentality, and half to thinking yourselves utter geniuses. Guess what? You're not a braniac. Neither am I. Do you understand what a median is? An average? No? Then look it up. When you think you're smart, you don't bother to listen to anyone else's point of view because you're already convinced of your own superiority. True genius is few and far between, and so is true stupidity. So wake up, sit up straight, pay attention, keep an open mind, and weight things out in your head with ration and logic. Most importantly, you don't know everything. Remember that. Also remember that you can find out, or ask somebody else. Pretending you do know it all makes you STUPID!
2. Thou females have Boobies! Thou shalt show them off!
Ladies, your breasts are pretty and special. Don't hide them behind baggy sweaters! If you are younger than 40, you shall wear push up bra's and low cut tops. Your other option is to not wear shirts or bras at all. If you have ugly boobs, such as ones that hang around your knees from years of use and abuse, I shall use my magic god powers to tone and lift so you may show them off to your hearts content.

3.When thou sees and advanced green, thou shalt immediately push hard on the accelerator
Listen fucktards. In an advanced green light, four or five cars should be able to get through. Why is it that there's always a tard in front that doesn't notice for five seconds, then makes the turn like he's got a bomb strapped to the tank that'll go off if he exceeds my grandmothers walking pace? If you do NOT get on the frigging gas, SpazoGod will give you an case of herpes with a permanent flare up. Got it?

4.Thou Shalt not drive if you're over 70, or an oriental woman
I don't think I have to go into detail on this one. Suffice it to say, SpazoGod will also guarantee these people with a permanent herpes flare up.

5.Thou Shalt understand that ALL religions are moot.
I'm guessing me being god would render all religions moot. You know why? Because I'm GOD and I say so! Really though, there is just as much evidence for Jesus as there is for Zeus. So if you really want to believe in that stuff, fine, but you also have to remember everyone else is just as correct as you are. If you don't want to understand that, fine by me. I'll just give women testicles with perma ball itch and men permanent periods. I guarantee within a month of that constant agonizing torture, you'll smarten the fuck up. That'll also stop a lot of the bullshit violence started by the fundamentalist fanatical religious right, and put an end to much death and torture.

6. Thou shalt cease all religious evangelical missions.
See commandment number five. Remember, all religions are moot, meaning your religion is as correct as every other one. If you actively pursue converting people of other religions, that will be considered badgering and Spazogod will make you 300 lbs overweight with permanent foul body odour. You may accept people into your religion, but only if they seek you out. Meaning, you may make TASTEFUL advertisements. If Spazogod thinks your advertisements are distasteful, such as references to people of other religions going to hell, he'll make you eat the avert. Without any spices.

7. Thou shalt find all poo based humour funny as hell, and never tire of it.
Because Spazogod does.

8. Thy females shall talk to each other only ONE AT A TIME
Girls, you don't understand exactly how annoying you are when you chatter in groups. You are insulted when men cluck like chickens at you! You don't understand just WHAT that's all about! Well, I'm going to tell you. When men talk, one man go's, then shuts up and lets another man talk. This is called "sharing". When women talk, they talk ALL AT FUCKING ONCE. A man cannot then actually differentiate the sounds that are being made as language, and therefor his brain interprets it as chicken clucking. Moreover, it is very loud, grating and annoying. Think of being strapped to a jet airplane doing mach two, and you'll understand what this sounds like to men's ears. To that end, just four women talking sounds like a sold out Spinal Tap concert in the 80's. Women, if you do not take turns in conversing, Spazogod will switch your vagina's with your mouths. Try talking through your jeans! And won't meal time be fun time? Gives a whole new definition to blow job, doesn't it. Don't believe I'll do it? Try me.

9. Thou shalt make farting an Olympic competition.
See commandment seven, but with a twist. Any variation of competitiveness shall be allowed. Who has the stinkiest? Who has the loudest? Who can break glass? How far does the flame travel? ANYTHING GOES!

10. Thou shalt understand the big picture.
Rabid feminists, environmentalist, and your basic narrow sighted whack job WILL start seeing the big picture. You know, why it's bad if the pendulum is pulled too far one way, what equality actually means, and that everybody is capable of racism, stereotyping and persecution, not just white men between the ages of 18-47. The inability to see the big picture, and ignoring the big picture to increase your gross margins is what has and what is killing our species. It's also what's killing society and relationships, because it's one of the fuels that fires misunderstandings, ignorance and violence. So, for anybody that cannot see the big picture, Spazogod will increase your head to be the size of a Buick, with eyes the size of monster truck tires. Your body will remain the same size. I imagine most of the world will end up looking like this, and it will cause reform in no time flat! What's more, Spazogod will get many laughs from seeing your bodies flailing around trying to move your enormous heads. Oh. Your brain will stay the same size, in case you were wondering.

I hope you've enjoyed my little bit of self indulgence, with many thanks to mental poo.

-Spazogod out

===============

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Kids Fashion: What the hell?

I recently went to a local college to write a test for my water operations license. Even though it's been less than a decade since I left college, all of the kids looked so young. It's amazing the aging and maturing that occurs in only a decades time. Truly, we are a very dynamic species.

The other thing I noticed was what the kids were wearing. I don't know if it's just me, but aren't we getting more and more fashion retarded or what?

Lets start with the eye wear. You think the 80's trend for aviator glasses was bad? Think again. Kids are wearing sunglasses that are so large as to make Bobo the fucking clown think twice about putting it on. Seriously. You don't even look good with those glasses. It completely covers your face and makes the prettiest nose look puggy and piggy. What's up with that?

And why the hell are you wearing your PAJAMA'S around outside? When did sleepwear become practical day wear? When did seventeen year olds start wanting to look like toddlers? All you'd need to complete the look is a pacifier and a huggies bulge.

I really hate when kids wear pants hung somewhere around their genitals with their underwear pulled up somewhere around their nipples. I guess these guys have never been pansed, because that fashion would NEVER make it to the streets. I guess it's all supply and demand too, because no respectable manufacturer would make crotches on pants that hang that low. Who wants to walk around looking like they shat themselves for a week straight? Teenagers, I guess.

Kids, PUT YOUR FUCKING HAT ON STRAIGHT. Ok? Baseball caps are designed so that the bill of the cap keeps the sun out of your eyes. How's it going to do that if it's pulled off to the side at some weird angle? Every time I'm cut off by a shitty old Honda Civic and I see that stupid little ass wearing that cap crooked, up and to the side I want to catch up with him, pull him out of his car and beat him until he ruins his "tough guy" image by bawling incessantly for his mommy.

One thing that irks me is the latest trend of look homogenization. All the girls look like the other girls, and all the boys look like the other boys. Walking into a high school or college is like walking into a family renunion, albeit an inbred one. I walk out of the place CONVINCED that some poor woman birthed 132 children all at the same time.

Want to hear something really funny? All of the goth kids. Yea. They swear up and down that they're different, that they don't go with the trends, that they are original and unique. Sure, you WOULD be unique if you DIDN'T LOOK LIKE EVERY OTHER GOTH KID IN THE FUCKING WORLD!

Kids, change out of your pajamas, pull your pants up, wear some glasses that fit your face and original clothing. Please. You might even start earning some respect you DEMAND to have, until you break yet another promise or tell yet another lie.

-Spazoid, the always has been jeans and t-shirt guy.

Perverted Video

......Or is it?

Completely Random

If nipples get bigger when it's cold, why the HELL does my penis do the opposite?

Further, when it's hot, why don't nipples go concave?

I'm not American, so maybe some of you can help me out. How the HELL does the republican party get so many votes? Texas isn't THAT big.

Why is a promiscuous woman a whore, while a promiscuous man just gets lucky a lot?

Why can my dog take neat clean poos with no or very few dingleberries, while every time I shit I need reams of TP so I don't skid mark my tighty whities? Clearly, dogs are the superior species.

Why can the office smokers crowd around doors, leaving a horrible and lasting stench in the lobby, but complain so violently when I crack one little fart?

Why do women who always wear low cut shirts get mad when you look at their cleavage?

Why do they call it Ovaltine? The can is ROUND. They should call it ROUNDTINE. HA HA HAHAHA HA HA HA HA HA! I fucking hate you, Jerry Sienfeld.

Who on gods green earth made Celine Dion popular? They should be shot. After her.

Rachel Ray and Dr. Phil should join Celine Dion on the Island, just before H-Bomb testing commences.

I can't wait until Katie Holmes baby grows up so we can all guess at who she most resembles. I'm putting $100.00 right now that it'll be ANYBODY but Tom Cruise.

You can light farts. What I don't understand, is why we aren't taking advantage of this? Seriously. There should be cars with a hole in the seat going to the gas tank, and our diets should consist of eggs, beans and all bran, and phasyme and beano should be outlawed. Energy crisis solved.

Pussy farts are SO much funnier than regular farts. No question.

Children annoy me. Fat children really annoy me. I don't know why. Maybe because they don't know what a truffle shuffle is when I ask them to do it?

Do you know why Al Gore wants all Americans to use less energy? It isn't to slow global warming. Its to leave enough energy to heat his giant swimming pool and 10,000 square foot mansion. What a fucking mook.

And on to Canadian Politics. Why is it that the Liberal party of Canada can ensure that over 50% of your gross income goes to taxes, get caught stealing money, ask to raise taxes to "better Canada" at the time of a federal election that the opposition called because of a non confidence vote, and people still vote them into official opposition with so many seats it isn't funny? It this anything like America and their Republicans?

Is it true what they say?

If I get stuck on a deserted Island with nothing on it, I hope its with a bunch of really fat people. That way, I can lash them together and make a raft to float to civilization with.

Why do Catholic church leaders have to wear silly hats? Don't they think they've done enough to hurt their credibility?

It's true what Confucius says. If I fart at the church, I do sit in my own pew.

Thank you for putting up with today's self indulgence.

Halo's definitive parody

A recently discovered blog by a gentleman named Jay over at Jay's world has introduced me to something I enjoyed very much.

He posted a Halo parody.

I don't know if anyone has played Halo, but it is a very popular game. One of my all time favorites. I LOVED THIS GAME. What I don't love is that Halo 2 is only available for console or Microsoft windows vista, as does Halo 3. I don't have either and I'm sorry, but my money is better spent on mortgage payments.

The guys at Microsoft are a bunch of jerks for making the best game ever so hard to access because of piracy. Piracy they caused mostly themselves because of their overwhelming corporate greed. But this is a digression better off made in it's own post.

Anyways, for those who have played halo, I hope you enjoy this little parody as much as I did. Jay, thank you so much for this! I owe you one!

I just dug out my old copy of the original Halo, and will now spend the afternoon playing it. Jay, you are the man, thank you and thank you!

The END product

I hope everyone had a good Christmas. I had an excellent holiday, full of family and friends and cheer. I also received some generous gifts, which I didn't deserve because I'm a huge jerk.

Christmas day was spent with my buddy John and his family. His mother and wife cooked a terrific meal, including my all time favorite, ham. I LOVE pig. The way to my heart is through food, and the way to keep my heart is through pig meat. I don't know why, but this other white meat is just spectacular. If I could only have one, I'd choose pig. I don't care if it meant me going out into the woods with a sharpened stick, I'd get me some pig! But I digress.

Johns house is a dog friendly house, and to that end my puppy Jinx was with me. She LOVES his place, his dog Buddy, and sniffing around his back yard. Accordingly, everyone there loves Jinx, including his youngest daughter Aja. She's slightly bigger than Jinx and spends her time carrying the dog around, which Jinx tolerates very well. As usual, Jinx was a big hit. Everybody was cooing over her, and everyone was FEEDING her.

Here Jinx, have some turkey. Here Jinx, have some cheese! Here Jinx, want a cracker? Have a nice ham bone. Hey Mike, did you know Jinx likes parsnip?

Anyone who is a dog owner knows what happens to dogs when they deviate from their usual diet of kibble, sticks, insects, grass and cat poo. Especially when the food is rich, varied and plentiful. Jinx has a cast iron stomach, but even she has her limits.

Shortly after everyone was finished dinner, she asked to go outside. She was very insistent about it, she had to go NOW! I let her out, and 10 minutes later let her back in. Shortly there after she jumped up on the couch beside me, hung her head over the edge and BLARF! Projectile vomit halfway across the rug! Wonderful. As me and the kid sitting beside me are scooping up runny vomit and vegetable chunks with paper plates, I notice a smell. The smell was very distinct, and was coming from the rear end of Jinx. I look at her bum and yes, there are leftovers all over her rear end. Apparently, vomit was not the only projectile that had come from her that day.

So, as I had the dog tucked under one arm bum end out, and a wet wipe in the other hand, my thoughts naturally wandered to poo, the end products of all end products.

As some of you may recall, some time ago my flawed logic identified pooing as the meaning of life. As such, much of my time is spent thinking about it. After all, if it truly is the meaning of life it does deserve some thought.

There is nothing like a good bowel movement. You feel better, lighter, more energetic and happier. How many of you can honestly tell me a really good poo doesn't make you feel like a million bucks? Just look at your average dog. Slow and mopey till he gets outside. After he's done dropping his load, he comes back in the house and tears around like nothing is wrong on this earth. I truly believe, that if everyone has at least one good bowel movement once a day and EVERY day, there would be much less war and violence on this planet.

But what makes a good poo? There are several things. It must have good volume. It must have the perfect consistency, and it must come out all in one big piece. It must not stink too much, and there should be little or no clean up needed afterwards. Most importantly, it must slide out quickly and with little effort. If it is the perfect poo, your bung hole will flutter with contentment and you'll feel light enough to float for at least the next 30 minutes.

Not every poo is a good poo. One of my least favorite poo's is the wipe forever poo. In this case, you just cannot get clean! Wipe after wipe after wipe, its just as dirty as the last one. Half a roll of toilet paper is spent just getting clean enough to pull up your pants to walk over to the nearest shower.

Then of course there is the movement where a little teeny piece is left. You can feel it there, hanging, refusing to drop, teasing you. You know that if you try to remove it with TP, it'll just make a huge mess all over the place. So there you are, with a itsy bitsy turd hanging off your bum like a butterfly cocoon hangs off a branch, shifting with the breeze. That's where the wiggle comes in. You sit there on the can, wiggling in every direction, left, right, up, down, side to side, doing the modified running man just to get this piece of poo to drop off your bum.

Don't you just hate the phantom poo? You have to go and NOW, and the only thing that comes out is a fart? Just plain old disappointment.

One of the most annoying is the "i'm not done yet". You think you're finished, you clean up, you're just about ready to flush, and BOOM! You sit back down to a poo that says to you "Sorry I'm late, did I miss anything?". This jerk is usually accompanied by two or three more poops that just can't find the accelerator pedal on the highway of the large intestine.

Let's not talk about the diaretic poops.

Of course, there's the floater poo. Those poops that float on the top of the bowl like displaced tree branches, just daring you to try and flush them. "Go ahead" they say, "Just when you think you got us down the bowl, at least one of us is actually hiding, waiting to float up and leave the next person a present".

All in all, please be sure to use a courtesy flush if you're using a guest bathroom. If not to save yourself some embarrassment, at least out of respect for the toilet owner. To those who like to host, please, PLEASE make sure you have LOTS of toilet paper within easy reach! You never know when you or your guests are going to have a wipe forever poop! There's nothing more embarrassing than having to excuse yourself early just because of a dirty bum.

Thank you for reading the above self indulgence. I'd like to dedicate this to my father, who has an appreciation for the finer side of bathroom humour. Stay tuned for public bathroom etiquette!

What NOT to say to a Woman.

If you're male, and anything like me, over the years you'll have experienced exactly how different woman are than you. It's not just that they have different genitals, or boobs (some men have those too, GROSS!), they THINK differently too.

You have to be careful as to what you say to a woman. She may take it in a way completely different to how you mean, in ways you have not even dreamed of! And, as many experienced men know, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

With that in mind, here are some things that you do NOT say to or near a woman.

• Hey you! (YOU is offensive. It should be her name, or Miss. Anything else means you are evil).
• Excuse me, Miss? No not you, the fat one.
• Hey! Those new pants TOTALLY cover your front butt!
• Nice perm! I had one of those in the 80's when I was going through my Bon Jovi phase!
• Son, if you eat your vegetables, you'll be able to grow a cool mustache just like her!
• Hey lady! Next time you cut one of those you SO need to light it!
• Yea, you look pretty good for your age.
• Takes a lot of guts for a lady like you to wear THAT.
• That's your MOM? I thought it was your sister!
• Oh. That's your make up? I thought you were on your way to clown college.
• I see your point, but THIS cream takes care of cellulite too!
• Listen, lets just buy you an extra ticket, I KNOW the airline will make you anyways.
• I think your unibrow is sexy!
• Hey! Did you know that when you laugh your second chin overlaps your third?
• I appreciate your trying to look sexy, but when you wear a G-String it looks like a walrus flossing
• Hold your own damned purse, OK?
• We have a lot of bills, do you really think you need another pair of shoes?
• You're pregnant? Six months? Really? I couldn't tell!
• Is that a gray hair?
• I think the dryer is running hot, cuz all your clothes seem to be shrinking lately.
• What anniversary?
• Would you ladies shut up already! Sounds like a thousand geese having an orgy in there!
• You know, women with kankles shouldn't wear high heels.
• Get me a beer ok?
• Your sister is WAY hotter than you!
• Oh, by the way, my ex girlfriend is coming over for dinner tonight.

And the number one thing you should never say to a woman is.....

• No.

I hope my knowledge and experience has helped you today, and may the wrath you incur from women be slight and infrequent. Amen.

Spazoid's Christmas Debauchery Quiz, WINNER!

Ladies and gents, we have a winner!

As a reminder, the quiz was to identify this picture:

Drowsey Monkey is the winner! Here is her answer, in full:

IT'S A DILL DOE! lmao Why do I know that? I actually stared at it for a
really long time...thinking... it's a deer, it's a buck, it's a pickle, it's a
dill pickle...LOL

Thank you Drowsey, and rememer, your prize is either nothing, OR this big sloppy stinky kiss!

Thanks for playing, and stay tuned for more Spazoid Debauchery Contests!

Spazoid's Christmas Quiz of Debauchery

Being a festive and happy time of year, I thought it might be time for a little fun. Therefore, I bring you the first (and maybe only) edition of SPAZOID'S CHRISTMAS QUIZ OF DEBAUCHERY!

For those who wish to participate, the game is very simple. Look at the following animal, and guess what it is. The winner gets either nothing, or a big wet sloppy kiss after I've eaten a bowl of Christmas Curry. So here goes, name this animal!



Ok, a big hint here: This is the SPAZOID'S CHRISTMAS QUIZ OF DEBAUCHERY! If your answer seems G rated, you're probably wrong.

Happy guessing!

Poo Coffee

As my loyal and regular reader(s?) know, I recently had a birthday and turned old. Part of any decent birthday is birthday gifts, and this one was no exception. I'm not a particularly needy guy, and I always ask for no gifts. Also, I'm an ass and I don't deserve it. Regardless, every time, I get nice gifts. I think next year I'm going to ask everyone to pitch in and get me a Ferrari, so no one actually bothers getting me anything.

One gift stood out among the rest. My mom's crazy fun friend "S", has an awesome sense of humour, way down low in the gutter, somewhere where mine hangs out. Well, not as low as mine, but she is a 48 year old mom of two. Anyways, we often trade dirty off colour jokes that makes my mom blush and my dog cover her ears. She got me the best gift I've gotten.

Poo coffee.

Seriously. I opened the gift bag, and there was a coffee grinder. SWEET! I love coffee, and now I can buy the good stuff and grind my own. Thanks S! But no, it wasn't over yet. There was still something else in the bag.

It was a bag of whole coffee beans. Cool, cool, she gave me coffee beans to grind up in the grinder. Sweet, right on. But these beans were not Nabob, or After Eight, or anything like that. It was called Luwak Coffee.

Luwak Coffee is something known as animal coffee. Basically, you get an animal to eat coffee beans, then you sort through their poop, wash them off, and sell them to dumbass rich people for $1000.00 a kilogram. This particular animal is called a civet, some sort of weird Indonesian cat. They claim the coffee tastes better, less bitter, the digestive juices take out the bitter or some such.

So, me being the guy that I am, try it. Just for comparison, see below the picture of coffee beans on the top and cat poo coffee beans on the bottom, and note the difference:



Can you see the difference? I can't.

So, I put the cat poo coffee beans into the grinder, ground them up, put them in my coffee maker, and plugged it in. The first thing I noticed was the aroma of coffee mixed with poo. I just love it when my house smells like poo! At the very least, it makes it easy to dump someone. After smelling your poo house, she'll actually dump you. It's done, and SHE looks like the ass, allowing you to date her friends if you wish, but I digress.

I poured myself a cup and took a sip. Yes, there was a coffee taste in there. But there was a much stronger, over powering taste that went along with it. Can you guess what that taste might be?

At a grand a kilo, this is the stuff of rich people. Interesting isn't it. Who else would pay the average man's monthly take home pay for coffee that tastes like poo and consider it a delicacy? Rich people are just grasping at more and more straws to fake superiority, aren't they?

S, THANK YOU. That was the best laugh I've had all year! I'm sorry that I probably won't be drinking any more of that coffee. Well, maybe next time I'm at your place I'll do the brewing. In the meantime, I'm off to purchase some poor man's coffee beans that haven't been digested by an Indian cat first.

Tickle me comic

Have you ever run into a comic that for whatever reason, makes you laugh until your sides split and your spleen comes out of the hole and takes a look around?

Here is one that I found today. Please enjoy, and make tsk tsk noises and talk about my fragile psyche that would make me laugh at such a horrible thing while I fashion a lasso out of my small intestine to rope my spleen back in.

This old coot

Well, that's it. Today I'm officially old. I'm no longer in my twenties, I'm now in my thirties. How time flies eh?

Now that I'm a thirty year old, I'll have to start thinking of things that an old person would need. It's important that I'm prepared when the inevitable happens, which will be sometime this weekend, I'm sure of it. Forthwith, here is the list of stuff. Anybody that has experience being old, please leave a comment with things that I've missed, ok?

Clothing:
Jeans, T-shirts, hoodies, rugby shirts, running shoes, all of these will have to be pitched. Old people don't wear such items I'm to understand. I'll have to go out and purchase a robe and slippers, because that's what old guys wear in the house, right? And for when I go out, I'll have to get pants that have the waist that fits up around the nipples and the legs that stop 3 inches from the top of the calf. Also, does anybody know where I can find 2 foot long suspenders to hold it up? Old men wear wide brimmed hats too right? Damn, am I ever going to look sexy in my new ensemble! I bet all the ladies at the home I'm going to book myself into will be all over me!

Heat:
It's my understanding that old people like it really, really hot. So in preparation of the need for heat I've called in Sears to replace my medium efficiency furnace with a high efficiency furnace. Also, I'm getting a fireplace installed in every room of the house. I've purchased a new thermostat that I've programmed so that it cannot be turned below 35 degree's C. You know, just in case a young person (29 or under) comes into the house and gets hot and tries to turn it down. Could you imagine this old guy living in a room temperature house? I hear that old people can freeze within five minutes of exposure to room temperatures. Hey, I might be old but I don't want to die before my time! Especially of something as careless as letting the house get too cold, like, say, 20 degrees C.

Incontinence:
Old people can't hold their bladders. Or their bowels. Well, sometimes they can't poo at all. So for those days when I can't poo, I've stocked up on all bran, ex lax, and extra strength suppositories. For those days when I can't hold my bowels, I've stocked up on depends adult diapers. Actually, I'll be wearing them every day because my understanding of old is that you can't stop pissing yourself, right? Oh yea, I've installed all of those old people grab bars in the bathroom, just in case I actually do make it to the shitter I'm not stuck in the sitting position until someone can come save me.

Old person smell:
Just because I'm old, doesn't mean I have to smell. So to combat old person smell from various things (see above) I've bought stock in every major deodorant company out there. I might stink, but it won't be from pissing in my depends!

Decor:
I've pitched all my furniture. In it's place, I've purchased couches and chairs with flowery print cloth. All my furniture is now encased in plastic and smells of mothballs too. In place of my painted walls is ugly wall paper. Hardwood floors are a thing of young people, I've covered my floors with 4 inch deep plush magenta coloured carpet. Also good for padding me when I fall, I might not even break my hip!

Vehicle:
I've traded in my pick up truck for a Ford Crown Victoria. I'm currently training myself to back up without looking, drive slow in the fast lane with the turn signal on, and back into objects without realizing I did anything. Also, I'd like to take this opportunity to tell Mimzie she's going to hell, because I know that eventually she'll be trying to run my old ass down. Right Mimzie?

Dinner and bed times:
Tonight, I'm eating dinner at 4 pm. You might think that I'll be hungry by 8, but not to worry, I'll be in bed by 7:30. Also, I've eliminated all salt from the house, because I'm positive my doctor will insist that I'm on a low sodium diet. To ensure that I keep my depends as empty as possible, I've also eliminated any and all spices from the cupboards. I'll only eat steamed broccoli and boiled chicken, to be safe.

Teeth:
I've purchased denture cleaner and poly grip, as I understand old people don't have their own teeth. I've pre booked with my dentist for next week to make me some dentures, as I'm sure all of my teeth will fall out sometime probably Sunday around 3 pm.

Sports:
For some reason, I'm almost positive that I'll actually like golf. Also, I'm sure I'll have this urge to take up lawn bowling. Sometime in five years from now, I'll take up shuffleboard, and five years after that it'll be seated shuffleboard as I'll no longer be able to stand for more than 15 seconds in a row.

Incessant Jabbering:
As a young man, I liked to talk but I also liked to shut up. Now, I'm betting I'll talk to anybody who will listen for hours and hours on end, not letting them get a word in edgewise. Hey! I just realized that getting old is kind of like being female in that regard!

Pharmaceutical Cocktails:
I've heard old people take lots and lots of pills. I'm not sure what kind, when, or for what, but I'm going down to the pharmacy later demanding drugs. I'll let you know how that works out.

Thanks to listening to this old coot babble on. For those of you who enjoy reading my blog, just remember, I'm now thirty years old. I could drop dead any day now, so if I stop blogging, it's probably because I'm dead. Or just because I can no longer operate this new fangled technology!

Barnyard Brawl

My border terrier is 17.5 lbs of pure muscle, with an attitude to match. Pound for pound, there are no tougher dogs than terriers, and mine is no exception. She can keep pace with much larger dogs, jump, turn on a dime, and she has teeth comparable to a small german sheppard. She can hold her own, and has a preference to play with the bigger dogs. This weekend was no exception.

A friend of the family has a farm, with a HUGE massive doberman farm dog. Tyson weighs in at about 120 lbs, and has a head the size of a dinner plate. This is not the dog Jinx plays with (he likes to put her in his mouth, she's not a huge fan of that). It's his daughter, Layla, that's Jinx's good buddy.

Six months ago was the first time that Jinx and Layla met. Layla was maybe three or four months old and only three times the size of Jinx. Since this was Jinx's first trip to the fenced pen, she completely ignored Layla (much to Layla's dismay) to try and find weak links. One of the things Jinx is very good at is finding security breaches so she can go terrorize other farm animals or young children in the neighborhood. Satisfied that there were no penetrable four inch gaps in, around or under the fence, Jinx turned her attention to poor Layla. Not that Layla minded, both played for hours tirelessly with much growling and running around.

This weekend, Jinx met Layla again, for the second time. This time, Layla weighed in at about 90 lbs and towered over poor Jinx. Jinx not being one for intimidation, picked up exactly where they had left off six months ago. It was a bit different this time, Jinx had to jump up a bit to bite at Laylas lip to wrestle her to the floor.

These two were happily wrestling away. Growls abounded and dirt flew as the tan body and black bodies tumbled through the farm muck. This attracted the attention of the residents of the neighboring pen. The cow wandered over to the fence line, put her head down and stared intently at the show. Shortly thereafter she was joined by a sheep, a horse, and then a second sheep. All these barnyard animals watched the action intently and without straying while the two dogs wrestled. I can just imagine the conversation that was taking place among them. Animals can talk ok? If Disney says so it MUST be true! Anyways, here's the conversation as I imagine it.

Cow: Ed! Ed get over here!
Sheep#1: What is it Beatrice?
Cow: Look! Look! You'll never believe it!
Sheep#1: Holey crap! Is it...
Cow: Yea! Two predators and they're beating up on EACH OTHER!
Sheep#1: Waitaminute, aren't they supposed to be busy weeding out our weak?
Cow: Yea. Hey, maybe Dicky knows. Hey Dicky!
Horse: Yea, Beatrice?
Cow: Do you know why these two predators are fighting?
Horse: I'm guessing it's this weird thin long thing that makes us hurt when we touch it.
Sheep#1: How do you mean?
Horse: I'm guessing the ugly hairless animal that won't shut up put it up so these predators can't get us.
Cow: So, you're saying they're so hungry they've turned on each other?
Horse: Sure looks like it.
Sheep#1: I don't know about you guys, but I'm thinking that the little itty bitty one is going to have one hell of a meal
Cow: Yea, looks like it's winning eh? Still, it's going to be a long fight the way their going.
Sheep#1: Aww crap. Guys, disperse, look away, pretend you're chewing your cud
Horse: Why?
Sheep#1:Shit, too late. My retarded brother is making his way over.
Cow: Man, that guy is such a downer!
Sheep#2: Baaaaaaaa! Baaa Baaa Baaaaaaaaaa!
Sheep#1: Ba! Ba! That's all you can fucking say is Ba! What the hell is your problem!
Sheep#2: Baaaaa!
Horse: See sheep, I told you your mom and dad are brother and sister!
Sheep#1:Shut up man, or I'll tell everyone about the time you humped the sow!
Horse: Ed!
Cow: Hahahahahaha! Horse, you fucked a pig!
Horse: Yea, well, at least I didn't screw a cow!
Cow: Not with an itty bitty little 3 foot penis like that you're not!
Sheep#1:Hey guys, look! The little one's got the big one on her back!
Horse: Yay! Ok little guy, go in for the kill and make the world just a bit safer for us herbivores!
Sheep#2: Baaa!Baaaa!
Sheep#1:Shut up retard!
Cow: Somethings wrong.
Horse: What?
Cow:The little one is backing off and letting the big one up. Now their fighting again!
Sheep#1: You know, there's no blood. Shouldn't there be blood by now?
Horse: Yea, WTF?
Sheep#2: BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Sheep#1, Horse, Cow: SHUT UP RETARD!
Cow: Hey, maybe if we all sit still and stare right at them they'll get it in gear and kill each other.
Horse: Yea, let's do that.
Sheep#2: BAA.....
Horse: (Kicks him in face), that'll shut you up
Sheep#1: Thank you!
Cow: Shit! Here comes one of those weird hairless animals! Everybody look bovine!
Cow: Mooo!
Horse: Neiiigghhh!
Sheep#1: Baaaa
Sheep #2: BAAAAAAAAAA BAAAAAAAAAABAAAAAAAABAAAAAAAA!
Me: Man, that sheep is kind of retarded, eh? Ok Jinx, let's go inside!
Horse: Hey! That little one is going in that big well lit cave with the hairless animal! But the fight wasn't over!
Cow: Huh?
Horse: The fight!
Cow: Oh, sorry, been chewing my cud for the last 10. What fight?
Horse: Screw this. Come on Sheep, let's go fuck some pigs
Sheep#1: I don't want to screw Beatrice!
Cow: I fucking hate you, Ed

In the end, Jinx and Layla called it even and the barnyard animals dispersed to do their own thing. I'm looking forward to the next time, I'm betting the action will get even better!