The Gym Douche

Last night, I was at the gym. Just as I finished loading the bench press with weights, she walked out of the women's change room.

Fifty feet away, she started walking in my direction. She wore a form fitting outfit with a form to match. Not an ounce of fat on this girl, and just the prefect amount of muscle. She had an ass that just wouldn't quit, breasts that defied gravity, and she walked with a wiggle that made my willy tingle. She was the goddess of the gym, and at that moment, had she asked me to do ANYTHING for her, I would have done it.

Then she got close.

Have you heard the term "good from far, but far from good"? How about "butterface", as in everything is good, but her face? No? Well you've heard them now and they apply to this former vision of a goddess.

She had a pretty enough face, I guess, underneath the three inch deep layer of make up. What turned me off, was the "I'm better than you douche" sneer on her face. If anybody looked her way, she shot them a very brief dirty look, as if to say "YOU are not good enough for ME." She looked and acted as if her shit did not stink. Her bum might not have smelled, but there was a rather unpleasant odor about her.

This girl took a bath in the most disgustingly fragrant perfume I've smelled in my life.

As I took this hideous smell in, my chest constricted and I became short of breath. The smell was THAT STRONG. I wonder if she knew just how offensive she was?

For the next hour, I watched this douchebag prance around the gym like she owned the place. The worst part was that she did not put her weights away, and that REALLY aggravates me. If she loaded some plates on a machine, she left them there. If she grabbed a barbell or dumbell from the rack, she left them where they lay when she was done with them. As if gym etiquette didn't apply to her, as if people should clean up after her like the GODDESS she thought she was!

That, my friends, is a real life example of the type of douche you run into on a daily basis. The worst part? If I decided to teach her a lesson by taking ALL the weights she didn't put away and loading them up on her chest, I'd be arrested for it.

I'd like to introduce some legislation that would make being a douchebag illegal. At the very least, any douchebag should be snipped so they could not reproduce and make more douchebags. Who wants to start writing letters to politicians with me?

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The Douchebags
Things I notice
To Be Canadian
Spazoid's Christmas Quiz of Debauchery
Spazoid's Debauchery Quiz Winner!

Kids Fashion: What the hell?

I recently went to a local college to write a test for my water operations license. Even though it's been less than a decade since I left college, all of the kids looked so young. It's amazing the aging and maturing that occurs in only a decades time. Truly, we are a very dynamic species.

The other thing I noticed was what the kids were wearing. I don't know if it's just me, but aren't we getting more and more fashion retarded or what?

Lets start with the eye wear. You think the 80's trend for aviator glasses was bad? Think again. Kids are wearing sunglasses that are so large as to make Bobo the fucking clown think twice about putting it on. Seriously. You don't even look good with those glasses. It completely covers your face and makes the prettiest nose look puggy and piggy. What's up with that?

And why the hell are you wearing your PAJAMA'S around outside? When did sleepwear become practical day wear? When did seventeen year olds start wanting to look like toddlers? All you'd need to complete the look is a pacifier and a huggies bulge.

I really hate when kids wear pants hung somewhere around their genitals with their underwear pulled up somewhere around their nipples. I guess these guys have never been pansed, because that fashion would NEVER make it to the streets. I guess it's all supply and demand too, because no respectable manufacturer would make crotches on pants that hang that low. Who wants to walk around looking like they shat themselves for a week straight? Teenagers, I guess.

Kids, PUT YOUR FUCKING HAT ON STRAIGHT. Ok? Baseball caps are designed so that the bill of the cap keeps the sun out of your eyes. How's it going to do that if it's pulled off to the side at some weird angle? Every time I'm cut off by a shitty old Honda Civic and I see that stupid little ass wearing that cap crooked, up and to the side I want to catch up with him, pull him out of his car and beat him until he ruins his "tough guy" image by bawling incessantly for his mommy.

One thing that irks me is the latest trend of look homogenization. All the girls look like the other girls, and all the boys look like the other boys. Walking into a high school or college is like walking into a family renunion, albeit an inbred one. I walk out of the place CONVINCED that some poor woman birthed 132 children all at the same time.

Want to hear something really funny? All of the goth kids. Yea. They swear up and down that they're different, that they don't go with the trends, that they are original and unique. Sure, you WOULD be unique if you DIDN'T LOOK LIKE EVERY OTHER GOTH KID IN THE FUCKING WORLD!

Kids, change out of your pajamas, pull your pants up, wear some glasses that fit your face and original clothing. Please. You might even start earning some respect you DEMAND to have, until you break yet another promise or tell yet another lie.

-Spazoid, the always has been jeans and t-shirt guy.

The new in: Mustachioed

Guess what is in again! You'll never guess. MUSTACHES! Yes, the plain old stash, soup strainer, molester mustache, the lip fuzz, that's back into style again. Wow. Us men are going to look so incredibly good, like this fellow:
But why stop there? If we're going to bring in some fashion mistakes of the past, lets do it all up! Why not bring back the trailer park favorite, the mullet?Ladies, don't you just want to tear this guys pants off and make dozens of toothless idiot babies with him?

Hey! I know! How about the crew cut. Nothing says I'm a dickhead with a huge case of little man's syndrome like the crew cut. Take this guy for example:


Look at that head lowered stare. "Look at me baby, I know you're not good enough for me but I'll do you anyways." Yea, I can't wait to see this one around. But you know what I really think should be brought back? PERMS! Yes, that's right, load your hair with so many chemicals your head is indistinguishable from a sheep. Like this lady:
Baaaa! Baaaaa! Yea, tres sexy. How many hours a day does she spend pulling out burrs?

Finally, I think they should bring back in big hair, like this macho dood:
How many birds do you figure he has nesting in his head? How does that stick like body support the weight of his hair without flopping over? Yes, I bet this guy gets all the ladies with the hairstyle that screams "I'm too cheap to get my haircut!".

But you know, I guess the new mustache craze isn't so bad. We all know that history repeats itself, and when the Ward Cleaver fashion comes back into style, I'm heading for the hills.