The story of passover told by a Jewish Atheist Asshole

Disclaimer: If you are hyper religious and/or easily offended by religious parody, don't read any further. Seriously. Fuck off and don't come back, ok? You've been warned.

Forthwith, the word 'gawd' will be used to denote the Abrahamic invisible magical sky faerie no one living has ever seen or spoken to.

Once, a long long time ago, in the great land of Egypt, a Pharaoh sat on his throne, completely enamored by his kingdom and his status of god.
Pharaoh: Subjects! Build me a great pyramid so that I have somewhere to go when I kick the bucket! And make it really, really big, cuz I'm god, didn't you know.
Subject: Certainly sir! It'll take fifty years, but we'll get er done!
Pharaoh: Dude, I ain't gonna make it no fifty years. Get some slaves. That'll make it go quick.
Subject: Ok, I'll round up some big strong Africans.
Pharaoh: NO! Are you whacked? There's lots of them, and they can kick our asses. Also, I hear they hold a grudge for a really, really long time. Go round up those Jews. They're not strong or good at sports, but there's lots of them. And they're easy to control, just takes a whip.

And so the Jews were rounded up. Gawd looked down at the plight of his chosen people. He could have stopped it there and then, before it got bad and his people suffered, but they were getting pretty damned whiny and he thought they could use a bit of humility. Also, Gawd is an asshole.

Every single Jew on the entire continent now lived in Egypt, except for the Jewish American Princess's. They annoyed the crap out of Pharaoh so he had them sent to New York City.

The Jews toiled and slaved. This went on for generations. The Jews prayed to their gawd, but he was too busy playing pocket pool over an issue of hustler to pay any attention.

One day a Jewish woman shat a kid. It was a boy, and she didn't want it to be taken away to slavery. So she built a little boat and floated him down the river, praying to gawd to save this little boy from the certain death his mother had set upon him. And did gawd scratch his nuts and fart!

An Egyptian woman found moses and took him as her own. Moses grew up as a spoiled Egyptian kid.

One day as moses was smoking some dope, a bush lit itself on fire and started talking to him. Moses figured it was the dope, but gawd set him straight.

Gawd: Moses, I fucked up. The Jews are the chosen people.
Moses: Yea I know! We chose them to build our shit!
Gawd: You moron. You're a Jew. Your mom floated you down the river and your Egyptian mom found you. I need you to march into Pharaoh's palace and tell him to let your people go.
Moses: Screw you asswipe! Just for that, I'm going to whip the Jews even harder!
Gawd: Then I shall give you a tiny five inch penis! SHAZAM!

And moses saw that his penis had shrunk to investment banker size. And he screamed.

Gawd: Now go do my bidding and I'll give you your junk back!

So did moses march into Pharaoh's palace and demand his people be let free. And so did Pharaoh laugh. Moses went back to the burning bush (after smoking another few doobies).

Gawd: What did pharaoh say?
Moses: aren't' you like omnipotent or something? Shouldn't you know?
Gawd: Yea, but the people that'll be reading the book for the next few thousand years won't be particularly literate for the most part. Also, the people writing it will be even less so. We'll have to use poor metaphors and explain everything so they don't get frustrated and go bang some sheep.
Moses: K. He told me to go screw myself, but before I did that I'm to report to slavery tomorrow. You asshole! At least give me back my giant schlong! I'm tired of this schlittle!
Gawd: Whatever you whiny little pervert. Go tell pharaoh to let the Jews go OR ELSE.
Moses: Or else what?
Gawd: YEA!
Moses: ooooo k.

So did Moses go back to Pharaoh's palace.

Moses: Let my people go! Or else!
Pharaoh: Or else what?
Moses: YEA!
Pharaoh: Don't you have a pyramid to build?

And so gawd devised a plan for what else. He'd set some plagues about. First, he made the water turn into blood. Ok, so it wasn't blood, it was just cherry Kool aid dumped in the Nile. And the Egyptians cursed, for he hadn't put enough sugar in. Kool aid without sugar sucks.

Then gawd sent a bunch of frogs. And the Egyptians ate French! Yummy.

Then he sent Gnats. But there were still a bunch of frogs from the last plague and they ate them all. DOH!

Fine, I'll just send flies then! And the frogs ate the flies too. DUH!

Then gawd diseased the livestock. So the Egyptians ate MORE frogs! Yummy!

Then came boils, hail, and locusts.

Pharaoh: Head builder dood. How's my pyramid coming?
Builder: Pretty much done sir. We just need to install the cappuccino maker.
Pharaoh: Do we need Jews for that?
Builder: Nah, Nadine down in reception said she'd do it, and make us coffee's too!
Pharaoh: Ok, let all the Jews go then, the last three plagues have gotten a tad annoying.
Gawd: SCREW YOU JERK! I worked long and hard on those plagues, and I'll be damned if I don't get to unleash my last one! I'm going to harden your heart!
Pharaoh: UGH! Ummm... ARGH! I NEED A SUN ROOM! KEEP ALL THE JEWS!

So the angel of death passed by and killed every one of the first born Egyptians in a completely unnecessary orgy of blood and torture. Gawd stroked his mullet and opened a beer, and was pleased.

Moses gathered up the Jews, and headed off into the sunset. Not known to them, a contingent of Egyptian soldiers was coming after them. The Jews were stopped by the red sea. Moses turned around and saw the Egyptian soldiers in the distance. There were probably about a dozen of them, because you know, Gawd just killed the bulk of the young Egyptians.

Moses: What are we going to do! There's ten or twelve Egyptians and only 5,000 of us! Argh!
Gawd: Fine, you whiny little turd. I'll part the sea for you.

And Gawd farted, and the sea parted.

Moses: Everybody across!
Jew #1: But I'll get my feet wet!
Jew #2: Won't my hair get frizzy from the moisture?
Jew #3: I'm slightly allergic to shellfish! What If I step on a shrimp and get a tiny rash?
Jew #4: Oiy! Can somebody carry me? I'm tired!

And Moses asked Gawd if he really wanted to save the Jews. Gawd told him to shut up and made his penis an inch shorter. And Moses wailed!

So the Jews ran across the read sea. The Egyptians were about 20 feet in when Gawd made the waters come back. And the Egyptians got their feet wet. The red sea is really shallow. Defeated, the Egyptians returned to the bank to dry off their feet.

The Jews started walking in the desert. They got really thirsty. Moses, needing to make up for his now minuscule penis, started beating on a rock and telling it to give him water. Gawd make the rock spew forth water, to shut Moses up before he hurt himself.

The Jews wandered further, and got hungry. Gawd gave them mana from the heavens to snack on. Of course, the Jews were delirious from heat stroke and didn't realize they were actually eating camel patties. So much the better.

The Jews wandered for years and years. Forty years to be exact. It would have taken them a few months had the gotten directions, but Moses wasn't about to take directions from a goy!

Finally, they found their promised land. Bordering their lands were the Muslims, whom they thought were wonderfully nice people to be neighbors with. They couldn't wait to have block parties! It was going to be fun.

Moses: Yay! Our promised land! I can't wait!
Gawd: Did I forget to mention? You're old now. ZZZAPP!

And did Moses have a brain aneurysm and die.

So every year we celebrate how our all powerful Gawd that no one alive has ever spoken to neglected to prevent us from terrible tragedy, but let us go through generations of torture. We celebrate how our omnipotent all powerful leader lead us free of slavery by committing gruesome tortures that could have been prevented by not "hardening" a pharaoh's heart. We celebrate gawd choosing to let us wander in a horrid desert for forty years! We celebrate a story that's probably not true, in a book full of fairy tales.

I'm not complaining though, my mom cooks a great feast!

On with the food!

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If you liked the above, you may also like:

Those Homosexuals
Happy Easter!
Dealing with the Evangalistic Douchebag
Unidentified Flying Anus
Commandments of Spazogod!

Spazoid's first short story, part one

As promised, here is my first attempt at a short story. For those of you who are expecting my usual graces of debauchery and low brow humour, I'm sorry to disappoint, this isn't like that at all. If you think reality T.V. is high quality programming, and Harlequin romance novels qualify as literature, you won't like this. There is very little swearing, sex, or violence. There are only two characters, both of them male. Most of the story is conversation.

If you are a deeply religious person who is offended at anything that might come close to criticism of religion, even a work of fiction, you'll probably send me hate letters after part two. If that's the case, save it, because I really don't care to hear it. I'll just delete it, or even better, post it on my site and mock your poor grammar, atrocious spelling, faulty logic and douchebaggyness in general. Remember, this is JUST A STORY.

I've only written part one so far. The rest has already been written in my head, and my head is a very noisy place. I think there will be two more parts, but there could be up to six. You never know how these things pan out.

Onto part one of Spazoid's first short story!

==================

Short Story, Part 1

He looked down at his friend, covered in protruding tubes and wires, lying silent and still in the bed. His once round friendly features were now drawn and gaunt, with dark circles under the eyes, looking more like a bleached skull than a human face. The top of his head, previously filled with a thick matt of wavy dark brown hair, was now bare and shiny, reflecting the stark white institutional fluorescent lighting. The only noises in the room were the blips and beeps of a bevy of machinery and flashing monitors that kept this man, his best friend, clinging to his very last thread of life.

He had known Gerald a very long time, since they were both barely out of diapers. When Gerald’s family had moved into house next door, they instantly hit it off. It was no wonder, since their neighborhood of simple, tiny box like bungalows was home mostly to retired people, or those who had grown children. Over the years, they had kept their friendship close. Gerald’s parents had died shortly before his fourteenth birthday, and without any other relatives to take him in, he convinced his parents to adopt him. Gerald became brother to him in name as well as in feeling.

When Gerald had gone off for his stint in the military, they wrote every month. He was the best man in his wedding, and he was the god father to all three of his children. He was there for all the major events in his life, and he had never forgotten the friendship and companionship Gerald had provided. He thought Gerald would be there forever, that he would have the best of friends and brothers until they were both old, addled, diaper wearing crotchety seniors.

Yet, here he was, looking down at his friend’s skeletal, cancer ridden body. At the tender age of thirty-two, he was just two young for God to take him from this earth! God works in mysterious ways; there was no doubt about it. Still, it just didn’t seem fair that this man, who was still barley more than a boy, should be cut down in the prime of his life. There was still so much for him to do! So much he had yet to experience, and he would never, ever get to fulfill any of the dreams and goals he had set for himself.

With a tear running down his cheek, Sam opened the bible he had been clutching to his chest. Looking at the monitors, Sam noticed that his friend’s heart rate had dipped to an almost unrealistically low number. His breathing was shallow and erratic, and he hadn’t twitched a muscle of what remained of his emaciated body in more than an hour. Sam cleared his throat and started reading the Lords Prayer, to prepare to send his friend, his brother, into Gods waiting hands.

Out of the corner of Sam’s eye, he caught movement. Gerald was awake, and with a feeble two finger wave, was trying to get his attention. Sam put down his bible, and clutched his friend’s cold, bony hand. “I’m here, my friend,” he said not being able to hold back the quiver of sorrow in his voice. Gerald mouthed the words “come closer.” Sam put his ear right up to Gerald’s mouth, to be able to hear his weak friend’s final words.

“You douchebag geeb,” Gerald croaked, “You know I don’t go in for that religious mumbo jumbo.”

Sam looked at his friend and smiled. “You’re a Funny man to the last, eh? Even on your deathbed you dismiss my religion and call me the childhood taunt I loved ever so much!”

“You’re the only person I know who qualifies as a geek and a dweeb, shithead,” came the whispered and barely audible reply “And after that stunt you pulled in eight grade history class, you deserve it. As a matter of fact, I’ve put it in my will to have Shelly call you geeb at all times during lovemaking.”

Sam smiled, and cradled his friends head in his hand. He didn’t notice the tears streaming down his face, as he felt his friend getting weaker and weaker, slipping away as they spoke.

“Please Gerald, let me finish the lords prayer for you,” Sam said in a pleading tone “I want to meet you in heaven some day. Let me pray for you, please, please let Jesus into your heart! It’s not too late, it’s never too late!”

Gerald mustered his last remaining strength and murmured “We’ve had this conversation for decades, Sam. You already know that I believe in your god as much as I believe in everyone else’s. Why do we have to rehash this now?”

“Because you’re dying!” cried Sam “and I want my best friend to live! Live with God! I want to see you again!”

Gerald weakly grabbed the back of his friends head and drew him closer “If I can, I – I,” His hand dropped from Sam’s head and he slumped back down into his bed. His eyes fluttered open and he began to speak again. “I’ll make you this promise Sam, and it’s a promise I’ll keep if there is any possible way I can.”

Sam leaned in close to his Gerald “What is it, my friend?”

“I’ll come back and tell you what’s on the other side” came a mumbled, garbled reply.”

Sam’s face fell. He knew in his heart that his dearest friend would not come back, that he would never see him in God’s kingdom. He had tried for years to get his dearest companion to change his atheist ways, to no effect. He felt as if he had failed him in the one thing that mattered most; but this was Gerald’s decision.

Sam gathered Gerald up in his arms and held him close. “I love you, you damned jackass,” he said softly, his tears wetting the top of Gerald’s bald head. “I’ll miss you.”

“Give Shelly and the kids a hug for me, geeb,” was the strained, burdened reply.

And then is friend was gone. He felt his breathing become shallow, slow, and then stop, and Gerald went limp in his arms. The constant monotone noise from the heart monitor alerted the nearby nurse, who picked up the phone and screamed for a crash cart. The room became a flurry of activity, but it was all to no avail; the CPR, the defibrillator, nothing started Geralds heart. He was simply too far gone, too weak, too physically deteriorated to keep up the good fight any longer.

Gerald was no more.

Sam slumped in his chair, buried his face in his hands, and shed bloody tears of this ultimate sorrow. A nearby nurse placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, and he immediately shrugged it off. He did not want to be comforted. There was no comfort that could take away the stinging pain of this loss. His friend, his brother, his confidant, the only person on God’s green earth that truly understood him, that he could truly count on, was gone, and he would never see him again.

It wasn’t long before the doctors wheeled his friend’s limp, lifeless body into the morgue. After making arrangements to meet with a mortician to finalize the funeral plans, an exhausted Sam gathered up Gerald’s clothing and possessions into a small suitcase and headed for home.

Sam left the hospital, numb with shock, barley caring about the people and cars buzzing around him. It was all too surreal. He was angry at the fact that people could carry on with their daily lives, not knowing, not caring that Gerald was gone. He was livid that the world didn’t stop to mourn with him. Gerald deserved nothing less.

He arrived at home, got out of his car, and with Gerald’s suitcase in hand, slowly walked up his porch steps to his front door, dragging his drained feet with every step. He opened the door and stepped inside, his tired eyes not able to gaze higher than his shoes.

A familiar voice broke him out of his daze and snapped his head up and to attention, his eyes wide with shock and amazement.

“A promise is a promise,” said Gerald, “and I always keep my promises.”