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Tuesday, April 15, 2008

The story of passover told by a Jewish Atheist Asshole

Disclaimer: If you are hyper religious and/or easily offended by religious parody, don't read any further. Seriously. Fuck off and don't come back, ok? You've been warned.

Forthwith, the word 'gawd' will be used to denote the Abrahamic invisible magical sky faerie no one living has ever seen or spoken to.

Once, a long long time ago, in the great land of Egypt, a Pharaoh sat on his throne, completely enamored by his kingdom and his status of god.
Pharaoh: Subjects! Build me a great pyramid so that I have somewhere to go when I kick the bucket! And make it really, really big, cuz I'm god, didn't you know.
Subject: Certainly sir! It'll take fifty years, but we'll get er done!
Pharaoh: Dude, I ain't gonna make it no fifty years. Get some slaves. That'll make it go quick.
Subject: Ok, I'll round up some big strong Africans.
Pharaoh: NO! Are you whacked? There's lots of them, and they can kick our asses. Also, I hear they hold a grudge for a really, really long time. Go round up those Jews. They're not strong or good at sports, but there's lots of them. And they're easy to control, just takes a whip.

And so the Jews were rounded up. Gawd looked down at the plight of his chosen people. He could have stopped it there and then, before it got bad and his people suffered, but they were getting pretty damned whiny and he thought they could use a bit of humility. Also, Gawd is an asshole.

Every single Jew on the entire continent now lived in Egypt, except for the Jewish American Princess's. They annoyed the crap out of Pharaoh so he had them sent to New York City.

The Jews toiled and slaved. This went on for generations. The Jews prayed to their gawd, but he was too busy playing pocket pool over an issue of hustler to pay any attention.

One day a Jewish woman shat a kid. It was a boy, and she didn't want it to be taken away to slavery. So she built a little boat and floated him down the river, praying to gawd to save this little boy from the certain death his mother had set upon him. And did gawd scratch his nuts and fart!

An Egyptian woman found moses and took him as her own. Moses grew up as a spoiled Egyptian kid.

One day as moses was smoking some dope, a bush lit itself on fire and started talking to him. Moses figured it was the dope, but gawd set him straight.

Gawd: Moses, I fucked up. The Jews are the chosen people.
Moses: Yea I know! We chose them to build our shit!
Gawd: You moron. You're a Jew. Your mom floated you down the river and your Egyptian mom found you. I need you to march into Pharaoh's palace and tell him to let your people go.
Moses: Screw you asswipe! Just for that, I'm going to whip the Jews even harder!
Gawd: Then I shall give you a tiny five inch penis! SHAZAM!

And moses saw that his penis had shrunk to investment banker size. And he screamed.

Gawd: Now go do my bidding and I'll give you your junk back!

So did moses march into Pharaoh's palace and demand his people be let free. And so did Pharaoh laugh. Moses went back to the burning bush (after smoking another few doobies).

Gawd: What did pharaoh say?
Moses: aren't' you like omnipotent or something? Shouldn't you know?
Gawd: Yea, but the people that'll be reading the book for the next few thousand years won't be particularly literate for the most part. Also, the people writing it will be even less so. We'll have to use poor metaphors and explain everything so they don't get frustrated and go bang some sheep.
Moses: K. He told me to go screw myself, but before I did that I'm to report to slavery tomorrow. You asshole! At least give me back my giant schlong! I'm tired of this schlittle!
Gawd: Whatever you whiny little pervert. Go tell pharaoh to let the Jews go OR ELSE.
Moses: Or else what?
Gawd: YEA!
Moses: ooooo k.

So did Moses go back to Pharaoh's palace.

Moses: Let my people go! Or else!
Pharaoh: Or else what?
Moses: YEA!
Pharaoh: Don't you have a pyramid to build?

And so gawd devised a plan for what else. He'd set some plagues about. First, he made the water turn into blood. Ok, so it wasn't blood, it was just cherry Kool aid dumped in the Nile. And the Egyptians cursed, for he hadn't put enough sugar in. Kool aid without sugar sucks.

Then gawd sent a bunch of frogs. And the Egyptians ate French! Yummy.

Then he sent Gnats. But there were still a bunch of frogs from the last plague and they ate them all. DOH!

Fine, I'll just send flies then! And the frogs ate the flies too. DUH!

Then gawd diseased the livestock. So the Egyptians ate MORE frogs! Yummy!

Then came boils, hail, and locusts.

Pharaoh: Head builder dood. How's my pyramid coming?
Builder: Pretty much done sir. We just need to install the cappuccino maker.
Pharaoh: Do we need Jews for that?
Builder: Nah, Nadine down in reception said she'd do it, and make us coffee's too!
Pharaoh: Ok, let all the Jews go then, the last three plagues have gotten a tad annoying.
Gawd: SCREW YOU JERK! I worked long and hard on those plagues, and I'll be damned if I don't get to unleash my last one! I'm going to harden your heart!

So the angel of death passed by and killed every one of the first born Egyptians in a completely unnecessary orgy of blood and torture. Gawd stroked his mullet and opened a beer, and was pleased.

Moses gathered up the Jews, and headed off into the sunset. Not known to them, a contingent of Egyptian soldiers was coming after them. The Jews were stopped by the red sea. Moses turned around and saw the Egyptian soldiers in the distance. There were probably about a dozen of them, because you know, Gawd just killed the bulk of the young Egyptians.

Moses: What are we going to do! There's ten or twelve Egyptians and only 5,000 of us! Argh!
Gawd: Fine, you whiny little turd. I'll part the sea for you.

And Gawd farted, and the sea parted.

Moses: Everybody across!
Jew #1: But I'll get my feet wet!
Jew #2: Won't my hair get frizzy from the moisture?
Jew #3: I'm slightly allergic to shellfish! What If I step on a shrimp and get a tiny rash?
Jew #4: Oiy! Can somebody carry me? I'm tired!

And Moses asked Gawd if he really wanted to save the Jews. Gawd told him to shut up and made his penis an inch shorter. And Moses wailed!

So the Jews ran across the read sea. The Egyptians were about 20 feet in when Gawd made the waters come back. And the Egyptians got their feet wet. The red sea is really shallow. Defeated, the Egyptians returned to the bank to dry off their feet.

The Jews started walking in the desert. They got really thirsty. Moses, needing to make up for his now minuscule penis, started beating on a rock and telling it to give him water. Gawd make the rock spew forth water, to shut Moses up before he hurt himself.

The Jews wandered further, and got hungry. Gawd gave them mana from the heavens to snack on. Of course, the Jews were delirious from heat stroke and didn't realize they were actually eating camel patties. So much the better.

The Jews wandered for years and years. Forty years to be exact. It would have taken them a few months had the gotten directions, but Moses wasn't about to take directions from a goy!

Finally, they found their promised land. Bordering their lands were the Muslims, whom they thought were wonderfully nice people to be neighbors with. They couldn't wait to have block parties! It was going to be fun.

Moses: Yay! Our promised land! I can't wait!
Gawd: Did I forget to mention? You're old now. ZZZAPP!

And did Moses have a brain aneurysm and die.

So every year we celebrate how our all powerful Gawd that no one alive has ever spoken to neglected to prevent us from terrible tragedy, but let us go through generations of torture. We celebrate how our omnipotent all powerful leader lead us free of slavery by committing gruesome tortures that could have been prevented by not "hardening" a pharaoh's heart. We celebrate gawd choosing to let us wander in a horrid desert for forty years! We celebrate a story that's probably not true, in a book full of fairy tales.

I'm not complaining though, my mom cooks a great feast!

On with the food!


If you liked the above, you may also like:

Those Homosexuals
Happy Easter!
Dealing with the Evangalistic Douchebag
Unidentified Flying Anus
Commandments of Spazogod!

21 keen observations:

TechJoe said...

All i have to say is UMMMMMM WTF!!!
Were you into the funny tea this morning???

This one is seriously bizarre...

I usually find your incoherent ramblings somewhat funny and entertaining but this one definitely takes the cake on the WTF scale..

Mike said...

Well, I'm glad my ramblings are at least SOMEWHAT funny and entertaining.

I somewhat want to keep writing now!


Kerstin said...

Finally! Someone to tell it like it is...or was.

Anyway, this was freaking hysterical.

C.Rag said...

Gawd spoke to my priest. As a kid the priest told me Gawd said that I had to told Father ChildFucking's penis.

Knight said...

This was really damn funny. I laughed the whole way through. Now I need some Kool-Aid. Ooooh Yeah...

Anonymous said...

Hey Babe, I always come to your blog and try to put my face on it!... and I did.. I did not read all the way!

But you know I luv ya boo!


Knight said...

You know, that is why I heart Single. She doesn't take anything personally.

cathouse teri said...

I wouldn't complain either, if I were you.

This was my favorite part:
"And the Egyptians got their feet wet. The red sea is really shallow. Defeated, the Egyptians returned to the bank to dry off their feet."

Thanks for clearing all that up for me. :)

The Chronicles of a Fashionista in PDX said...

I feel so edumacated! This was funny! Thank you for enlightening me about the story of Moses! :D

Mike said...

Kerstin: anytime ;)

c.rag: I see you're catholic?

single: Yea, I know not everything can be everyone's cup of tea. Thanks for not ripping my testicles off!

teri: Just think of me as your source for all things biblical ;)

Mike said...

Knight: This is because single, at only 18 years of age, understands something that most modern adults never will.

She understands opinion. She knows that in order to have one of your own, you have to allow others to have theirs.

Too many people are trying to have their cake and eat it too. They understand their opinion only, while trying to eradicate anyone who doesn't have the same understanding as themselves.

What I'm trying to say is, most of the world is a hypocrite, and Single is not.

Wouldn't you agree?

Knight said...

I completely agree with you on that.

cathouse teri said...

As long as no one is trying to have their Kate and Edith, too!

Meghan said...

I actually thought this to be a true story. Then I saw a glitch..

five inches? my ex says only porn stars have that. But nice try.

moooooog35 said...


Now I want cow patties.

Hungry Mother said...

Much better than the other version, which isn't very funny or true. I've always wondered what manna is.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

a few things:
1. gawd wouldnt play pocket pool over a hustler. he's gay, you should know this.
2. i dig alternate versions of the bibull; one of my faves
3. i'm pretty sure this is a blasphemous post... how DARE you use "shazam" in vain?!

billymac said...

is that... is that true? man was my freakin priest waaaay off.

Anonymous said...

Thanks Mike! I try my best!

Anonymous said...

First of all, DAYUM that was a long post.

Secondly, it was totally worth the read.

Anonymous said...

Wow, Mike...that was the best you've turned out in a while! forgot to write in the gefilte fishies. Were they swimming in the Red Sea?


Your Sister
P.S. Enjoy our mother's cooking. As the good child, you get lots of yummy food.