Things that shouldn't be

Many, if not every human being has a list of things that is a personal affront to them. Things that disgust them, things that just shouldn't be.

Today, I'd like to share with you my shortlist of things that shouldn't be.

1. Man boobies.
I'm not talking about the normal fat guy or the guy that's out of shape, I'm talking about full fledged man boobies. The giant sacks of fat that should only be bestowed upon women. I'm talking the true freaks of nature. And they exist. Perhaps its the hormones in beef, or maybe these guys are hermaphrodites. I don't know, but what I do know, is that man boobies shouldn't be.

2. The unibrow.It's eye brows, SSSSS, with a plural! If you only have one eyebrow, get that shit in the middle plucked. That's just disturbing. Unibrows just shouldn't be.

3. Weight Lifter Chicks.
Do these women honestly think that having bigger biceps than Mr. T is attractive? That having no boobies is hot? That being the one in the relationship to open the jars and kill the spiders makes the man happy? Women should look like women. Men should look like men. Frig, most MEN don't have the kind of muscle these weight lifter chicks have! I don't know about any of you, but when I'm feeling up a women I want to feel soft curves, not hard rippling muscles. In retrospect, these "ladies" aren't going to get beaten by abusive men, but come on. A tazer will do the same thing and is cheaper. Weight lifter chicks just shouldn't be.

4. Moose Knuckles.Everyone knows camel toe. Camel toe can sometimes be ugly, or attractive, depending on the woman. What we're talking about today is camel toes bigger sister, moose knuckle. There is absolutely NO redeeming feature about moose knuckle, which is why it just shouldn't be.

5. Front ass.

Asses are for the back. Seriously. If you start to grow an ass in the front, it's time to cut back baby. The good part? Because these things cover the reproductive organs, theres a good chance she won't physically be able to reproduce to make more little freaks with two asses.

Asses are for the back, not for the front, which is why front ass just shouldn't be.

6. Transvestites.

Men should be men, and women should be women. That's it, that's all. If you feel you're a woman trapped in a man's body, see a shrink, or get the surgery. Otherwise, just shut up and accept that your ding dong is whats been given to you, and work with it. If you still feel like a woman, then make sure you're the catcher, not the pitcher in your homosexual relationships.

Men are not women, and that's why transvestites just shouldn't be.

7. Chicks in tight jeans.
Yea, I know what you're thinking. "But Spazoid! Chicks in tight jeans are hot (providing they don't have a front ass). Even the picture you have is of a hot chick!" Yea, I know. They ARE hot! Well, they LOOK hot. A funny thing happens when women wear really tight jeans. Their cooch can't breathe. Yes, I've done the research. What happens is, all of the oxygen loving bacteria, that DO NOT smell, die. Once gone, all of the bacteria that don't need oxygen move into the space formerly occupied by the good bacteria. These bacteria STINK. If a girl is in the habit of wearing tighty tight jeans, and they come off, the smell is enough to make a dog faint.

While hot chicks in tight jeans are nice to look at, they smell worse than fermented poo, which is why it just shouldn't be.

I hope you've enjoyed my shouldn't be short list. Feel free to make your own.

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IQ disassociation.

Have you ever noticed that when you're in a room with a bunch of really dumb people, the longer you're in that room with them the smarter they seem to get - and the dumber you seem to get - until you leave that is. Get a little fresh air, shake your head a bit and you say - MAN! What a bunch of retards!

That's because intelligence is like heat.

Heat will naturally dissipate from hot to cool, averaging the temperature out to a homogeneous single temperature depending on the amount of heat energy available in the first place.

So, should you have an IQ of 100 and walk into a room with someone that has an IQ of 50 - say George Bush or Paris Hilton, eventually the IQ would seep out at about 75 ish, depending on how long you stay. It takes a long, long time with only one idiot.

But say you have an IQ of 100 and walk into a room full of jibbering retards - say an NRA convention - and it won't be too long before you're guffawing it up and stroking a shot gun barrel like your penis when you were 14 and found your dads back issues of Hustler.

This also works with activities. Take a group of men, add football and beer. Each man's IQ will go down by 10 points for each additional man that enters the room. The same goes for women mixed with shopping malls or erotica parties.

This natural phenomena perfectly explains the idiocy of congress, the senate, and hippies.

So next time you're partying your face off or hanging out with a bunch of office managers, catch your drool and remember this post, because you know I'm right.

High time for High School

A friend of mines oldest boy will be going into high school next year. Like any thirteen year old boy, this one is cocky, arrogant, mouthy, and generally thinks he's man's gift to the world.

Being a big fish in a little pond doesn't help the boys hormonal arrogance, but little does he know that's all about to change.

Not too long ago, I was giving him a ride home from his grandmothers house. I looked at him and said "So, T, you're going into high school next year?"
"Yes."
I then started to laugh. He asked me what I was going on about and I told him nothing, never mind. Well, today, I'm going to tell him, and any other cocky little so-and-so preparing to enter high school for the first time.

Right now you are in grade eight. You are at the top of the school food chain. You prance about like you own the place, and really, the only kids you worry about are other eight graders. Not that you mind them nearly as much as the younger kids do. You use your age, size, and pecking order status to tease them mercilessly. Remember that, because it's important.

Next year, YOU will be the kid.

You are to be the little fish in the big pond. It's going to be a huge culture shock for you. Because you're a cocky little teenager, chances are you'll strut into grade nine like the big shot you used to be.

That will change very quickly, as some or all of the below may and probably will happen:

• You will be locked in a locker
• You will be pushed around
• You will be teased
• Your head will be dunked in a toilet while it is flushed - repeatedly
• The toilet may have been previously used without being flushed
• Your books/clothing/lunch/money will be appropriated
• You will be rejected by girls/boys. Again, and again, and again.
• While walking down the hall, eyes will follow you, fingers will point, and giggles will abound
• Jello will be poured down your pants
• You'll be held down while various hair in and about your body is shaved - unevenly
• Dog poo will "appear" in your locker

You are also new to puberty! Welcome. Your face will soon look like a pepperoni pizza with extra bacon bits, and no amount of face scrubbing will help. Get used to being called names like "pizza face", "crater face", and "freak".

Speaking of puberty, for the boys, it is best not to wear track pants. They don't hide boners very well. As a new comer to puberty, you will find that your nether regions have a mind of their own. It takes a very slight breeze for "junior" to stand at attention, and believe you me, he has a lot of staying power. He generally comes most often when trying to talk to girls, or when you're called to the blackboard to solve a problem. Carry a large book with you even when walking to the blackboard, to try to cover up Mr. Excited. Your higher ups and classmates have a very good memory and will tease you MERCILESSLY given any opportunity.

For you girls, I am SO sorry. The guys have it pretty good compared to you. Generally, they'll get shoved, or punched, or beaten up, and that will be the end of it. The higher grade bullies will move on to the next grade nine poindexter that crosses their path. Boys get bored easily. Not so for girls.

Girls remember things for EVER and for ALWAYS. They are more subtle, instead of beating you physically they'll go for your mental health. They'll try to steal your boyfriend, they'll spread vicious and nasty rumors about you, even if they're not based in reality. Don't be surprised to learn people think your pregnant when you're still a virgin, or you have crabs, herpes or are sleeping with the teacher. Girls play mind games. That is the nature of girls.

So for all of you big bad grade eighters, remember, you're about to become nothing more than pond scum on the shoes of the grade eleven jerks.

Enjoy!

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The Douchebags

You hear the word douchebag a lot. Hey, that guy's a douchebag! Yea, and his girlfriend is a total douche!

But what exactly is a douchebag? Originally, it was a bag filled with vinegar or similar that a woman attached a nozzle to so she could flush the nasties from her slimy cooch. This disgusting device eventually became the name for our lowest ranking members of society. These are the people that think they are absolute hot shit, but are in fact the total opposite. A douchebag is a person who thinks they are genious when in fact they are borderline retarded; a person who is unusually arrogant; a person who is specifically malicious in intent. In other words, just an all around idiot.

Here are some of the douches I've noticed.

The "I'm Cooler than you Douche"

You've seen these people. The guys have short, spiked hair. They spend most of their time at the gym, or in the tanning bed, and compliment it by wearing skimpy wife beaters, designer jeans, and sunglasses no matter what time of the day it is. They usually have a cross around their neck, even though the last time they were at church was when they were christened. The cross is just an attempt to get the Christian ladies in the sack. They frequent night clubs, use all the newest slang, and they use all the latest hand signal slang. You know, three fingers out "what up holmes" kind of stuff. Their shoes are always clean and they have blingy jewelery all over themselves. Unless you're a hottie in the same douchebaggery dress up and using the same douche slang, they shoot you snide looks as if to say "I'm too good for you, buddy". The girls are the same, in skimpy clothes that show off cleavage, same tan, same bleach blonde hair (the curtains don't match the carpet, let me assure you) and the same douchey attitude.

Let's have a reality check with these kings of douche. While they might have all the latest clothes and follow the latest trends, in reality they still live with their parents and spend every cent they earn on this crap and buying drinks at the night club. At the end of the day, they go back to their 10' by 12' bedroom at their moms house and have all their douchey friends over to lie about all the pussy they didn't get at the club the night before. By the time these douches are 30, their lack of education and general better than thou attitudes will land them nothing but the same dead end job and in the same bedroom they've lived in for their entire lives, plus some melanoma for their months spend in a tanning booth. By the time these douches are 50 they'll look like their 80 and if they are lucky they'll be living in some shitty apartment building eating cat food, because that's all their social assistance will pay for.

The "I'm always right" douche

These are the people who are never, ever wrong, especially when they are. They'll argue until they are blue in the face, and even if you show them absolute substantiated proof, they'll insist that the source is wrong. Every action that they do is the right one, and every one that somebody else does is wrong. Even when they find out how wrong they were the hard way, they'll blame it on some other bullshit thing that never really happened. Usually, these people have vast senses of undeserved entitlement and are horrible with money. It really doesn't matter to them, because it's always somebody else's fault and they'll insist it was completely out of their control, even if preventing the problem was plain as day to anyone with any common sense.

Usually, if they promise to help you, they will..... eventually. A normal, sensible person will agree to help you if they have time, and then help you. If they don't, they'll say so, and you'll thank them and move on. These people will tell you it's no problem, of course they can help you, they have lots of time. Time goes by, and you get nothing but excuses. Their kids were sick. The wife worked late. The husband took the car without telling me. I ran short on time because blah de blah blah blah. That's all well and good, except these excuses are the same every single time with every single person. A "I'm always right" douche will even get angry at you when you tell them to forget it, or take it to someone else. They're also the first to gossip when you tell them no, and are experts at manipulating you to do all sorts of things for them. Just try to tell THEM that you don't have time when you don't, up front, like a normal sensible person would. They'll say FINE with an angry look on their face. Douche.

The "environmentalist" douche

An environmentalist douche has a serious "holier than thou" attitude. This person is a rabid environmentalist who paints everyone else but them as part of the problem. They are unable to see the big picture, and think that their personal efforts at recycling, reusing bags and driving a hybrid car would single handedly save the entire planet from environmental disaster, if only everyone else would be just like them.

They live in big houses, use tap water, electricity and natural gas, shop at grocery stores and Wall*Mart. Their environmental efforts mean that they might use a few percent less energy than a similar sized family. The understanding that this will have a negligible effect on the problem as a whole, and it would take a societal paradigm shift to solve the problem is completely lost on them. After all, they are too busy sniffing their shit to confirm it doesn't stink to see just HOW MUCH OF A DOUCHEBAG THEY REALLY ARE!

The "bandwagon" douchebag

These douchebags are similar to the environmentalist douchebags, in that they are unable to see any big picture. Instead, they are swept up into whatever hysteria happens to present itself at that time in an orgy of self gratification. You can usually find these douches at one protest or another, holding up signs and chanting protest when they have absolutely no clue what it's all about. It could be environmental issues, abortion issues, political issues, any issue whatsoever. The douchiest of the lot will protest in favor of one side of an issue first, only to be found a month later protesting for the other side. These people truly do not understand the issues, are not able to make a rational and informed decision, because they are just hysteria driven douches who have something that every douche has: A holier than thou attitude. This makes these people feel that they are better than you, even if they will never admit it. Lousy douches.

The "Status Symbol" douche.

How many people here in North America do you know that drives a giant, gas guzzling 4x4. How often do they actually go off road? How often do they actually haul around 9 people, a load of stuff and a huge trailer verses the amount of time spent driving this monstrosity alone? How many of these vehicles do you see parked at huge, giant mansion style houses.

The fact of the matter is that these people think they have really small penis's (or boobs for the female variety), and need to suppliment it with shit they cannot ever need or use. They think a status symbol shouts to the world "look how important I am!", when it really shouts to the world "Look at me! I'm not well endowed at all!"

The vast majority of these status symbol douches are a paycheck away from total and complete financial breakdown. They don't understand that living comfortably means living within your means, not above it. Your outgoing living expenses should not equal your income. The worst part is, when something happens and they miss a payment, they don't understand what went wrong! Further, these douches look down at people who live within their means as those "Silly poor people". Yea douchebag? When I'm comfortable in my retirement, playing golf and eating well, and you're still working at 95 trying to pay off that oppressive debt, who's going to be laughing then? Not you, douchebag.

There are so many more examples of douchebaggery that I haven't touched on. Suffice it to say, a douchebag is someone who thinks they're better than everyone, all the time. They aren't. They're people who think that they are smarter than everyone. They aren't. They think that they are better than everyone. They aren't. These are the people that think they are beautiful, correct, smart, and the best, without any critical or rational thought processes to back it up.

You are, and you always will be better than a douche, and know it. So next time a douchebag pulls a holier than thou smirk at you, just smile and walk away secure in the knowledge that this person truly is, a douchebag.

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The commandments of SpazoGod!

My very funny friend, Mental Poo, thought it would be a neat idea to come up with his own, personalized brand of the ten commandments. He only came up with five, before deferring to a higher authority, his wife.

But before he gave the reigns to his boss, he set out an offer to let us lowly peons pretend like we're god and come up with our own ten commandments. Since there is no Mrs. Spazoid to defer to, I'll be coming up with all TEN of my commandments myself! Some will be serious, and some will not be serious. If you can't tell which ones are serious and which ones aren't, then you need to pay attention to my first commandment:

1.Thou shalt recognize ones own stupidity!
That's right. Understand that most of today's population are gibbering retards. I attribute that half to herd mentality, and half to thinking yourselves utter geniuses. Guess what? You're not a braniac. Neither am I. Do you understand what a median is? An average? No? Then look it up. When you think you're smart, you don't bother to listen to anyone else's point of view because you're already convinced of your own superiority. True genius is few and far between, and so is true stupidity. So wake up, sit up straight, pay attention, keep an open mind, and weight things out in your head with ration and logic. Most importantly, you don't know everything. Remember that. Also remember that you can find out, or ask somebody else. Pretending you do know it all makes you STUPID!
2. Thou females have Boobies! Thou shalt show them off!
Ladies, your breasts are pretty and special. Don't hide them behind baggy sweaters! If you are younger than 40, you shall wear push up bra's and low cut tops. Your other option is to not wear shirts or bras at all. If you have ugly boobs, such as ones that hang around your knees from years of use and abuse, I shall use my magic god powers to tone and lift so you may show them off to your hearts content.

3.When thou sees and advanced green, thou shalt immediately push hard on the accelerator
Listen fucktards. In an advanced green light, four or five cars should be able to get through. Why is it that there's always a tard in front that doesn't notice for five seconds, then makes the turn like he's got a bomb strapped to the tank that'll go off if he exceeds my grandmothers walking pace? If you do NOT get on the frigging gas, SpazoGod will give you an case of herpes with a permanent flare up. Got it?

4.Thou Shalt not drive if you're over 70, or an oriental woman
I don't think I have to go into detail on this one. Suffice it to say, SpazoGod will also guarantee these people with a permanent herpes flare up.

5.Thou Shalt understand that ALL religions are moot.
I'm guessing me being god would render all religions moot. You know why? Because I'm GOD and I say so! Really though, there is just as much evidence for Jesus as there is for Zeus. So if you really want to believe in that stuff, fine, but you also have to remember everyone else is just as correct as you are. If you don't want to understand that, fine by me. I'll just give women testicles with perma ball itch and men permanent periods. I guarantee within a month of that constant agonizing torture, you'll smarten the fuck up. That'll also stop a lot of the bullshit violence started by the fundamentalist fanatical religious right, and put an end to much death and torture.

6. Thou shalt cease all religious evangelical missions.
See commandment number five. Remember, all religions are moot, meaning your religion is as correct as every other one. If you actively pursue converting people of other religions, that will be considered badgering and Spazogod will make you 300 lbs overweight with permanent foul body odour. You may accept people into your religion, but only if they seek you out. Meaning, you may make TASTEFUL advertisements. If Spazogod thinks your advertisements are distasteful, such as references to people of other religions going to hell, he'll make you eat the avert. Without any spices.

7. Thou shalt find all poo based humour funny as hell, and never tire of it.
Because Spazogod does.

8. Thy females shall talk to each other only ONE AT A TIME
Girls, you don't understand exactly how annoying you are when you chatter in groups. You are insulted when men cluck like chickens at you! You don't understand just WHAT that's all about! Well, I'm going to tell you. When men talk, one man go's, then shuts up and lets another man talk. This is called "sharing". When women talk, they talk ALL AT FUCKING ONCE. A man cannot then actually differentiate the sounds that are being made as language, and therefor his brain interprets it as chicken clucking. Moreover, it is very loud, grating and annoying. Think of being strapped to a jet airplane doing mach two, and you'll understand what this sounds like to men's ears. To that end, just four women talking sounds like a sold out Spinal Tap concert in the 80's. Women, if you do not take turns in conversing, Spazogod will switch your vagina's with your mouths. Try talking through your jeans! And won't meal time be fun time? Gives a whole new definition to blow job, doesn't it. Don't believe I'll do it? Try me.

9. Thou shalt make farting an Olympic competition.
See commandment seven, but with a twist. Any variation of competitiveness shall be allowed. Who has the stinkiest? Who has the loudest? Who can break glass? How far does the flame travel? ANYTHING GOES!

10. Thou shalt understand the big picture.
Rabid feminists, environmentalist, and your basic narrow sighted whack job WILL start seeing the big picture. You know, why it's bad if the pendulum is pulled too far one way, what equality actually means, and that everybody is capable of racism, stereotyping and persecution, not just white men between the ages of 18-47. The inability to see the big picture, and ignoring the big picture to increase your gross margins is what has and what is killing our species. It's also what's killing society and relationships, because it's one of the fuels that fires misunderstandings, ignorance and violence. So, for anybody that cannot see the big picture, Spazogod will increase your head to be the size of a Buick, with eyes the size of monster truck tires. Your body will remain the same size. I imagine most of the world will end up looking like this, and it will cause reform in no time flat! What's more, Spazogod will get many laughs from seeing your bodies flailing around trying to move your enormous heads. Oh. Your brain will stay the same size, in case you were wondering.

I hope you've enjoyed my little bit of self indulgence, with many thanks to mental poo.

-Spazogod out

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What smells worse than poo? FERMENTED poo!

Saturday I was stuck home all day waiting for a bed delivery. They promised to have it delivered between 1:00 and 3:00 PM, but if they were anything like waiting for the cable guy I knew that I had better be home the whole day. Being that I was stuck in the house the entire day, I decided it was a good time to do some work on the bathroom.

The floor needed replacing, and since I would be taking the toilet up to do that, I decided to replace the toilet that day as well. In order to do the floor, I had to scrape off the old floor, wash it down with a cleaning agent, prime it, then put down the new one. I diligently started scraping the old floor away. When I got close to the toilet, I took it up. Want to know what I found under the shitter? I bet you do! That's why I took pictures!

YUM-O! Notice all that white stuff half blocking the hole? Know what it is? I'll tell you. It's old, compacted, dirty ASS WIPE. I had SO much fun scooping that out with my bare hands! I had even more fun cleaning it off the floor when it crumbled into a million pieces and spread itself about.

I diligently went about removing the rest of the floor and removing the old wax sealer from around the shit hole. A few minutes of work, and I noticed something. Something wasn't quite right. Not right at all. And then, I put my finger on it. It was a smell.

All sinks contain what's called a P-trap to hold water. All toilets always have water in them. There's a reason for this. Water is an extremely effective barrier against sewer gas. Sewer gas is the fermented by product of poo, and god knows whatever else is rotting down that stinking cesspool we lovingly refer to as a sewer. Everyone knows what poo smells like. Well, in comparison to fermented poo, poo smells like fresh roses.

I desperately looked around the room to find something, ANYTHING to cover my nose against the horrible, putrid smell of sewer gas. The only thing I could find was this:
I then thought better of shoving a sealing compound up my nose. After all, I was fairly certain I would need to be able to use it again.

Having another look around, I found a rag, so I stuffed it down the hole hoping to mask the smell, which looked like this:

Having had a look at that, and knowing that sewer gas is flammable, I was proud of the fact that I had managed to turn my entire house into one, giant, Molotov cocktail. This wasn't good, unless I found some rioters to throw at my house in some sort of bizarro violent protest.

Folks, let me tell you something. Rags aren't nearly as an effective barrier against sewer gas as water is by a long shot. Halfway through installing the new floor, I was beginning to feel very dizzy, and woozy. I had to take frequent breaks in order not to puke or pass out, which really made the job go way longer than it should have. Lucky for me, the bathroom ventilation fan worked very well. Well, it worked well enough to keep the sewer gases escaping to the rest of my house, otherwise I probably would be cleaning up dog puke.

As I only have one bathroom in the house, I was without toilet for a long, long time. Many of you are asking if I have some sort of camel bladder. That's not the case. I did make myself a bachelor pee hole which worked quite well. Have a look!

Around midnight, I installed the new wax seal on my brand new toilet, and had it cinched down to the floor. Success! I took the flexible water connection off the old toilet and installed it on the new one. I then went to install the other end on to the water shut off valve, only to be horrified to find that it was too short. Not a lot short, only short by about 1/8th of an inch. That 1/8th of an inch was enough to not allow me to thread the other end in. Dejected, I wet some old towels and threw them in the toilet bowl, hoping that it would stop the sewer gases. Wet towels also do not work as effectively as water.

Worried that my house would fill with gases overnight, and either suffocate me or ignite as I turned in bed and created a teeny tiny electrostatic spark, sleep did not come easy. I awoke at 7 am and got dressed. I drove to the home depot, which wasn't open until 8. Fuck. I waited in my truck, dashed inside when they opened, got a longer water connection and dashed home. I hooked everything up, turned the water on, and waited for the inevitable leaks. None came. I was extatic! It may have been a rough day or night, but I actually installed it the right way, and the first time!

To end off this blog post, see the below picture. The next step is the trim, which will hide the shitty edges, and a vanity, and I think my little bathroom will start to shape up. And folks, take my advice. If you have to have the shitter off for an extended period of time, buy a gas mask eh?==========

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Things I notice.

Try this. Rent an all female porno (or grab one from your collection), close your eyes and listen to the noises being made. Remembering that noise, watch a female tennis match in a similar manner. Just listening, I have a very hard time telling the two apart.

I notice a very disturbing trend in floors getting more and more shiny and reflective, and women wearing skirts less often.

I notice that my farts don't really smell that bad, but everyone acts like they do.

Old people are always telling me to slow down. Funny thing, I'm usually not driving at the time.

Babies and puppies go out of their way to poo in an inconvenient spot at an inconvenient time. It's like they KNOW.

Cats go out of their way to make sure they are sleeping in the most inconvenient spots. When they do this, a Mac truck won't make them move. I notice that cats are jerks.

I notice the difference between cheap beer and expensive beer. Expensive beer is much better. Until I've had eight or nine expensive beers. Then I don't notice the difference between the two at all.

I notice women with mustaches. In my town, I can't help not to. They ALL have mustaches.

Think no one will notice that bit of spinach stuck to your teeth? Trust me, I notice.

Every once and a while I go to an all you can eat buffet. I notice all the extremely overweight people there. I notice that they eat four or five times what I eat. I notice that their plates are piled high with high fat fried foods without a single vegetable. I notice my plate, with visible separation between the foods. I notice that this is a buffet, meaning you can go up as many times as you want. I notice that these fat people don't understand that.

When I go to the gym, I notice the same overweight people leaning against a cardio machine, eating a high calorie weight lifter protein bar and complaining about their weight problem.

I notice people picking their nose in the car. Especially in traffic jams. I notice car windows are transparent. I wonder why no one else does?

I notice smokers smoking underneath a no smoking sign. Assholes.

I notice when politicians lie. I've noticed that politicians lie every time they open their mouth.

I notice the right wing fundamentalist christian right movement scream bloody murder about being persecuted. I notice the same group persecuting christians of slightly different beliefs, atheists, homosexuals, muslims, pagans and wiccans. I noticed myself laughing at the bullshit being oozed by this group of idiots.

I notice women noticing when I am shifting my junk around. I notice women don't understand what it's like having your junk hanging between your legs, and you can only resist so long when it needs adjusting. How long can women resist scratching itches? It's like that.

These are the things I notice.

Advice for new parents

I'm not a parent. To a human. But I do have a rational and logical world view, that lets me see things that others sometimes don't.

Recently, I've been thinking about new parents, and how to help them. Maybe it's because my own biological clock is ticking. Well, not my clock, but the longer I stay not married the less likely it'll be I'll snag the right woman of child bearing abilities. Twenty-five year olds only marry eighty year olds for one thing, and it's not for their DNA.

Let's be honest. It's a tough world out there, and it's getting tougher. The cost of living is going up, salaries aren't going up to match it, and we're getting taxed harder and harder by our first world governments desperately clawing to stay that way.

It's not easy making it in this world, and it gets tougher when you have kids. Children are expensive! There's formula and medicines and powders and lotions and burping towels and nipple creams (for the breast feeding mother I think) and pony rides and tickle me whacked out fuzzy crack addicted Sesame Street characters, or whatever it is babies are into.

One of the things that just empty new parents bank accounts like there's no tomorrow is diapers. Walking down the baby aisle at the grocery store, I can see why. The only thing more expensive than a disposable diaper is a liter of gasoline, or possibly bottled water.

There's just no relief in site from diapers. From my limited understanding of parenthood, I'm lead to believe that the average child uses between thirty to forty-seven diapers a day and wears them until the age of twelve.

That is some SERIOUS money! Based on a cost of $0.40 per diaper, at forty-seven per day at 4,380 days (twelve years) that's a cost of $82,344.00. For DIAPERS! I don't know how parents do it, but now I understand all this "parents" allowance nonsense and why my yearly totaled taxes tally to fifty-three percent of my salary.

This is absolutely ridiculous. It's just so financially daunting for parents and draining the economic resources of my country, not to mention filling our landfills to the brim. How's an honest bum to make a living then, when he can't comb through a pile of garbage for treasures when he has to contend with mounds oozing rotten shit laden balls of plastic? It's just not fair!

So, I decided to come up with a solution to the problem. I prepared myself for some serious thinking. I put on some soft music, put on the tea, sat down in my most comfortable chair, and 18 long seconds later I came up with the perfect, most practical solution to this devastating problem.

Free Range Babies.

That's right, free range babies are the solution to the diaper problem. With a free range baby, you don't need diapers at all. I've come up with two types of free range baby, tailored to suit our northern climates.

1. Warm Month Free Range Baby

Warm month free range baby will be implemented during the times of the year when the temperature is above 18 degrees Celsius. The thrust of this program will be to make use of your back, or front yards, so that any waste made by the baby will go directly onto the ground. Once there, it will biodegrade, and return valuable nutrients back to the earth. You may choose to scoop your babies waste, brown bag it and sell it to farmers for fertilizer. Who knows, maybe next time you are enjoying a fresh salad, your baby could have helped grow it!

It's recommended that you build an outdoor pen or long exercise run for your baby. Babies need exercise too. Also, have a sheltered area so that your baby can get out of the rain or other elements if needed. You may also want to provide fresh water in between feedings, especially in the warmer weather. When it's hot and dry, your baby will dehydrate faster, and require more fluids.

2. Cold month free range baby

During the colder months, you would have to clothe your baby, rendering the free range program #1 completely ineffective. With the cold month free range baby program, all you need is a small room in your house and a few dozen bags of kitty litter, preferably the clumping kind. If you don't have an entire room to devote to this program, you can devote part of your basement or even a corner of another room. Just make sure you build an adequate containment birm to prevent baby escape or kitty litter overflow.

The idea being is that you fill this room or section five or six inches deep with the clumping kitty litter. Let your baby live in that area until (s)he is toilet trained. Remember, make SURE you scoop the clumps on a regular basis so your baby isn't rolling in his or her own filth, as it is a potential health hazard.

Also, it's good to take the appropriate steps so your baby does not escape this area. Otherwise, you'll be scrubbing the brown spot off your plush white shag carpeting.

I hope my brilliant idea helped you young parents in some way. Please, do not hesitate to pass this on to anyone you know who is pregnant for the first time, or has young children.

As always, I'm here to help.

-Spazoid

Completely Random

If nipples get bigger when it's cold, why the HELL does my penis do the opposite?

Further, when it's hot, why don't nipples go concave?

I'm not American, so maybe some of you can help me out. How the HELL does the republican party get so many votes? Texas isn't THAT big.

Why is a promiscuous woman a whore, while a promiscuous man just gets lucky a lot?

Why can my dog take neat clean poos with no or very few dingleberries, while every time I shit I need reams of TP so I don't skid mark my tighty whities? Clearly, dogs are the superior species.

Why can the office smokers crowd around doors, leaving a horrible and lasting stench in the lobby, but complain so violently when I crack one little fart?

Why do women who always wear low cut shirts get mad when you look at their cleavage?

Why do they call it Ovaltine? The can is ROUND. They should call it ROUNDTINE. HA HA HAHAHA HA HA HA HA HA! I fucking hate you, Jerry Sienfeld.

Who on gods green earth made Celine Dion popular? They should be shot. After her.

Rachel Ray and Dr. Phil should join Celine Dion on the Island, just before H-Bomb testing commences.

I can't wait until Katie Holmes baby grows up so we can all guess at who she most resembles. I'm putting $100.00 right now that it'll be ANYBODY but Tom Cruise.

You can light farts. What I don't understand, is why we aren't taking advantage of this? Seriously. There should be cars with a hole in the seat going to the gas tank, and our diets should consist of eggs, beans and all bran, and phasyme and beano should be outlawed. Energy crisis solved.

Pussy farts are SO much funnier than regular farts. No question.

Children annoy me. Fat children really annoy me. I don't know why. Maybe because they don't know what a truffle shuffle is when I ask them to do it?

Do you know why Al Gore wants all Americans to use less energy? It isn't to slow global warming. Its to leave enough energy to heat his giant swimming pool and 10,000 square foot mansion. What a fucking mook.

And on to Canadian Politics. Why is it that the Liberal party of Canada can ensure that over 50% of your gross income goes to taxes, get caught stealing money, ask to raise taxes to "better Canada" at the time of a federal election that the opposition called because of a non confidence vote, and people still vote them into official opposition with so many seats it isn't funny? It this anything like America and their Republicans?

Is it true what they say?

If I get stuck on a deserted Island with nothing on it, I hope its with a bunch of really fat people. That way, I can lash them together and make a raft to float to civilization with.

Why do Catholic church leaders have to wear silly hats? Don't they think they've done enough to hurt their credibility?

It's true what Confucius says. If I fart at the church, I do sit in my own pew.

Thank you for putting up with today's self indulgence.

Fibre is your friend?

As much as I hate to admit it, sometimes I have problems. I don't like showing weakness to the eyes of my readers, who I'm sure consider me some sort of great prophet or god. But sometimes, you just have to do what you have to do.

Recently, after having some intestinal issues, I purchased a fibre product. This product was designed to help get things moving. Being the powerhouse that I am, I decided to triple the dose, as I thought a single dose wouldn't do much on my herculean gut. Luckily for me, I have a stalker who follows me around with a camera to chronicle this misadventure. The problems started at work. Lucky for me my underlings are really nice guys, or this could have gotten messy.


Later, when I got home, things really went from bad to worse.


I thought things couldn't have gotten worse. I was feeling ok, so I decided to go out and have some fun. It hit me right there and then, and I just couldn't hold it back. It was so embarrassing, I don't think that church will ever let me back in!

Folks, trust me on this one. Next time, follow the instructions on the package. Don't be a hero. Really, it's not a good idea.

Merry Christmas to us, but lets talk about those less fortunate.

Merry Christmas everybody. I hope everyone is immersed in holiday cheer,and are enjoying family, lots of good food and gift exchange.

This post will not be humorous or entertaining in any way. I know that's not like the Spazoid theme, but sometimes, you just have to get serious. If you do need a chuckle in the Spazoid style, please check out the new About Me section for a laugh or two. Please! I worked hard on it!

Not too long ago Drowsey Monkey introduced her regular readers to a charitable organization she donates too. It's called Kiva, and I believe that this is the very BEST third world charitable organization that has EVER been conceived, that I've ever heard of.

You're probably asking for an explanation, and not to worry, I've got one coming.

Most third world charitable organizations that I've heard of focus on saving the children. They want you to sponsor a child for a small amount of money, and this sponsorship feeds, clothes, vaccinates this child. Without that sponsorship, that child would likely die of starvation and/or disease.

Please don't get me wrong. The horrible images these charities plaster on the T.V. sicken me to the bone. Watching those suffering children makes my skin crawl, and I just want to feed them all, make them better, do SOMETHING. It appeals directly to my emotion and by passes my logic.

But logic prevails. My logic tells me that this is a band-aid fix only, and will help the problem for now, but will create a bigger problem in the future.

You see, these children are starving because the economy and resources of the country to which they were born cannot support them. If it cannot support them then they do not get food and they die. Best case scenario says that they should not have been born in the first place. It is the way of nature, and nature is a cruel mistress.

Let me give you a theoretical example of how things are made worse by these charities. All the numbers here are numbers that I've pulled out of my ass for effect. I don't know the exact numbers, but I do know this scenario to be true.

Lets say the first world has a maximum of 10,000 money units to donate per year. Lets say it takes 1 money unit a year to feed and clothe a third world child, and there are 10 third world children this year. That makes a surplus 9,990 money units available. Great, those children are full, healthy and grow up to have children of their own. Ten children makes 5 breeding pairs. Each breeding pair has 10 children each, making 50 children. Those 50 children are also starving, because remember, the resources available have not changed. Thats fine, because with 10,000 money units available, that leaves a surplus of 9,950 money units and children with full bellies.

Using this scenario, how long will it take before the money surplus turns into a deficit? In 5 years, there will be 31,250 extra starving children from the original 10. Since the maximum amount of money units available from the first world is only 10,000, that leaves 21,250 children to starve to death.

In effect, these band aid charities have saved the first 10 children but condemned 21,250 children to death in the future with a band aid solution. That doesn't sound very charitable to me, does it?

You might be saying to yourself "but we can't just do nothing!". You don't have to do nothing. You can donate to an organization that helps fix the root problem. You can donate to Kiva.

Kiva is absolutely brilliant. Instead of treating the symptoms of the disease, they treat the disease itself. Kiva gathers first world donations to give to third world business as loans. The third world businesses use the donate money to purchase supplies and training for their services and shops, and repay the money once they are up and running. One of the best parts is that it helps these people keep their dignity, and someones dignity is a powerful need, almost as much as keeping fed.

This bolsters the third world economies, which in turn draws in more money, and more services. There are more jobs for people, more resources, and more resources available to the people. That ensures that the children born there, are born to parents that are able to take care of them, and they get fed under the resources generated and owned by their own parents. And since there is an economy in that country, the children grow up to be able to do productive work and feed their own children.

Kiva takes your money, and loans it to the third world business people in need. Once the money is repaid, you can choose to take it back, or re loan it to another third world business in need. Personally, I plan to donate a small amount of money and just keep it rolling through those in need, like Drowsey Monkey is doing.

It is not a perfect system, and there will always be hardships everywhere. Sometimes you may lose money as it's not able to be paid back. Again, this is the way of the world, you can't make it perfect. What you can do, is make sure you help in the right way. With the money I'll loan out, the risk I take is lose the money, OR truly help someone in need.

Please, if you are interested in helping third world relief, send your money to Kiva and help fix the problem, not the symptom.

Advertising on your Blog

From viewing the various blogs on my day to day blog jaunts, I notice a common theme. Most of us do it as it just seems to make sense. We all try to earn money from our blogs.

It makes SENSE. Most of the people that write blogs are just ordinary, everyday people who are trying to keep families afloat and make ends meet. Normal people running normal lives paying normal bills and being raped by all sorts of nice government taxes. Especially if you're Canadian, like I am. For some reason they seem fit to take half my pay cheque with various devious plots. And really, god forbid if you break a bone or somehow lodge a '79 Buick bumper through your pelvis. You're in the emergency waiting room for weeks! But I digress.

Most of you, especially those of us who have blogspot accounts, run google ads. I would like to say one thing about google. WTF? What the HECK do you have to do to even get a few pennies? Do you have to have the entire WORLD visit your blog? Ok Mr. Blogger, you got 250 page impressions and 4 ad clicks today, so that'll be..... multiply by.... carry the one.... move the decimal place.... $0.0005 cents! Congratulations, sometime in the year 3,000 we'll mail you a cheque!

Not to be intimidated by the google giants jerk status (how are they different from any of the other giant corporations?) I'm plowing on through, keeping the ads on my site and striving to provide my readers with regular quality content and to ever grow a loyal audience, as you are.

But there MUST be other ways help pay the bills while you do what you like doing? I started my search. Today, I ran across this site, called Blogsvertise.

Blogsvertise has a unique way of approaching selling advertising to their clients. Once Blogsvertise approves your site, they email you their advertisers site link as an assignment. Unlike some of the other sites, you don't have to drool all over this thing. All you have to do is have the link at least three times in your post. You can write about the site, you can write the links into something you're already blogging about, you can totally RIP on the site, it's up to you. When Blogsvertise sends you an assignment, you have five days to complete it and submit it for review. They send you an assignment by email, you incorporate the links into your blog, submit it, and wait. The minimum payout to your paypal account is $4.00 (unless your under probation, but we won't talk about that!). All they are asking for is a minimum of three links, and a minimum number of words so that you have content and don't cheat the system. Both numbers are very fair to both themselves, the advertisers, and us bloggers.

So far, the ladies and gents at Blogsvertise seem like a decent sort indeed. You don't need to be a product whore, and they have a unique way of benefiting themselves, us bloggers, and those that feed us all, the advertisers.

I've signed up to Blogvertise, and am looking forward to trying it out. Maybe it won't suck hard like google does!

My dog is the cutest.

Everybody that has a dog KNOWS that theirs is the cutest. Well, it doesn't really matter because mine IS the cutest. Let's have a look:

I like bones.

All of these are MINE, comprende?
Can I have a cookie, PLEASE?!?!?!?

COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE COOKIE!
Thanks Daddy!
Seriously, if you don't put that camera down i'm going to bite your nards off, OK?
I don't care that it's hot outside. This new haircut makes me practically naked. How embarrassing.Ok Ok, you're right, my new haircut makes me look SEXY. Seriously, I'm too sexy for this collar. Too sexy for this collar. Too sexy for this collar. Whatcha think about that?

There you have it. You've seen the rest, now you've seen the best. Hope you enjoyed these pictures as much as I enjoy having the cutest dog in the world!

A forum for bloggers

When cruizing my blogs, I notice there are three types of blog responses

1. Short, too the point and not needing any more.
2. The commentor needs more room and really good discussions could spin off, if the software would allow it.
3. A shit post just for the commentor to get their name up in a shitty attempt at shameless self promotion

The number three type is just horseshit. The number one and two types are awesome. But it was the number two that got me thinking. How to add more power to the posts?

Then it occured to me that a blog forum could really help. What if you stumble across a really good, influential and controversial blog topic you want to discuss at depth? Take it to this online forum and discuss it with your peers!

It's not like it hasn't been done before, there are all sorts of them out there. But I do have some webspace available till february, and should this take off i'd extend it. So, with that in mind, I've created a small test forum for blog talking. Check it out:

http://blogtalk.divinediscussions.com/index.php

Would this be something you would use? If so, would you like to be a part of it? It would need volunteers for brainstorming and moderation, ideas for domain names, etc. etc.

I'd really like some opinions on this, and if you could spread the word around and have any questions or comments come back into me, via this forum, that would be great!

Thanks all!

Spazoid's Halloween Made Special

Well, it's that time of the year again. The only time of the year when you give out candy to kids and don't get arrested for it. Matter of fact, they come to your door BEGGING for it. I bet the pedophiles of this world think halloween is better than christmas.

I'm not a particularly big fan of halloween, because I think children are turds. Especially this generation of children. I live close to a school and i'm constantly cleaning up garbage strewn about by these little turds. The worst is that there is a KFC nearby and the turds just throw their chicken bones about on the grass, instead of throwing them in the garbage can like a normal respectful human being would do. So my dog can find them and try to choke to death on them. Nice. These children are all about ME ME ME ME ME, they have such a huge entitlement complex it's insane. They think everything comes to them for free and they deserve everything. This is the generation of children that we're raising, because everything has to be fair blah blah blah, and these entitled little turds are going to be the leaders of tomorrow. I can't wait to see them run the economy into the ground because of some retarded inverted communism where doctors make the same as janitors because it isn't fair that a doctor can drive a porche and a janitor can't. Sheesh.

So what do we do? Give em bags and bags full of free candy! Reward their entitlement! Blah!

I participate because if I don't my neighbors will think i'm some sort of jackass, well, more of a jackass then they already think that I am. So I hand out candy to these entitlement turds just like every other jackass.

Today, I picked up some candy to hand out. Guess what I saw? Guess guess guess guess!

The PEANUT LOVERS PACK! Seven dollars for 90 pieces of assorted Hershey chocolate, all containing peanuts! Oh joy!

Now we all know about this peanut bullshit going around, how everybody now a days is somehow deathly allergic to peanuts. It's to the point where some poor kid isn't even allowed to bring peanut butter to school. Fuck, he might eat the sandwich and breath on some other kid, causing the kid to die in an orgy of bloody spasms from the deathly peanut butter breath.

Normally, I get about 30 or 40 kids for halloween. This will be my third year and I'll probably get about the same. So, I think I'll treat kids this year. I bought three boxes of the peanut lovers pack of candy bars. I'm going to FILL each little turds bag with peanutty goodness! Oh joy!

I can imagine it now.

Little Billy: Oh boy mommy! Peanut butter O'Henry's!
Mommy: Sorry little Billy, we're going to have to throw those out because I believe your sister has peanut allergies because she once sneezed after sniffing some peanut butter in a seemingly related incident.
Little Billy: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Little Suzy: Oh boy mommy! Can I take all these peanut butter cups in my lunch to school! I love them!
Mommy: Sorry little Suzy, we're going to have to throw those out, because the school won't allow you to come within a day of eating anything that contains peanuts.
Little Suzy: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Little Johnny: Wow! Chocolate covered peanuts! Daddy, i've just opened the package, want a few?
Daddy: Johnny! Those chocolate covered peanuts have PEANUTS IN THEM! You've TOUCHED THEM! Now get into the shower, full hot, and scrub yourself with a wire brush, NOW!
Little Johnny: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

I am such a prick, and lovin' it!

A short one - Second Puberty

Puberty is a hard and confusing time for any young person. There are lots of changes, so many hormones causing your emotions to run wild, and the fact you become completely physically different to how you were in just a short period of a few years.

You think it's over after that. That's true, at least for you ladies. Most of you didn't know that many men have a second puberty. As a matter of fact, all of you don't know, because I just caught on today. Don't worry, I'll tell you about it.

It's actually easy to visually find a man that is either going through or has gone through his second puberty. The visual symptom is the fact that there is no hair where there used to be hair before.

Sorry folks, that's all I got today!

A new look

It occurred to me, that the black wasn't all that easy on the eyes. So I changed templates.

Any thoughts? Compliments? Suggestions? Derogatory statements that have nothing to do with the subject at hand?

Do tell!

A whole new direction

Ok, I think I like this blogging thing. And I think I might take this into a whole new direction.

I have some internet space from a dried up project called http://www.divinediscussions.com/. I think I might move this to that webspace and buy a new domain name. I'll be using wordpress, as wordpress is a very very nice WSYIWYG editor that allows me to create new internet pages without having to know HTML.

That means this blog will become more powerful, more fun, and just for Mimzie, more politically incorrect. Plus, i'll have all sorts of cool things like an online forum, a cool categorized links page and a few other things.

Wordpress allows you to import blogspot blogs, so I won't lose my 20 posts here, and as far as blog promotion i've only been at this for two weeks, I can start over.

Any suggestions for a domain name, and a site name?

Oh, and directed at Tan, this means I can save the DD forum, but I think it'll be a little scaled down and simplified.

Opinions, suggestions for site content?

The meaning of life

It is the eternal human pondering. What is the meaning of life? Why are we here, who or what are we?

Many say it is to serve whatever deity it is that they worship. Others say it is to make more babies. Still others believe it is the journey that matters, what you do with your life, and how you improve upon yourself and others.

I have struggled with this question for many many years. What is the meaning of life? More importantly, what is the meaning of life to me?

I like children but I don't know if I'll ever have any. If the meaning of life was to have children, then there are many who go unfulfilled by choice or by design.

I don't believe in any deities, and will not serve one. The idea that the meaning is only to serve a god who doesn't make his presence known to all so there is no question is an absurd one, in my eyes.

It wasn't until today, watching my dog play in the park that it hit me, like a load of manure.

When she squatted to defecate for her third time that day, I looked at her and said "Is that what you're all about, dog?"

That's IT! That explains everything about the meaning of life! ALL LIFE CREATES WASTE! Gods aren't proven, only females have children, but everybody poops!

That is the one thing that is common to everything. Even plants, by way of respiration, take in nutrients and expend waste.

There you have it then. We exist to process nutrients and the excretion of waste. It's the one thing that's mutually exclusive to any and ALL forms of life, from simple bacteria and protozoa all the way to blue whales and men.

Boy am I glad I came to this realization, because now I know I'm successful in life.

Successful at least once a day, sometimes twice!