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Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Bless this, father!

I'm not christian. I'm not muslim, I'm not a jew, I'm not religious in any way. I don't feel the need to commit my life to some sky faerie that no one's ever seen and worship in such a way that is so obviously man made.

I was listening to some Godsmack today and the song started off with a clip of a typical catholic phrase of "bless me father, for I have sinned."

That got me to thinking.

What would I say if I stepped into a catholic confessional?

Well now, lets do some exploring, shall we!

Don't bless me father, for I have not sneezed.

It's been forever since my last confessional. By forever I mean never, and that is not a sin.

I've had sex with a woman. That is not a sin.

I've had sex with more than one woman. That is not a sin.

I'm not married and I've had sex with more than one woman. That is not a sin.

I've worn a condom, and used other means of birth control. That is not a sin.

I've masturbated thousands of times and don't plan on stopping, ever. That is not a sin.

Yea, I've overeaten on occasion. I've also undereaten too. I have not sinned.

I've taken coffee at work without paying. I've overpaid at other times. I've not sinned.

I don't believe in your god, or any other, guess what? I've not sinned.

But let's not talk about me, father, let's talk about you. Specifically, your sins.

You condemn those who do not believe in the same god as you. That is a sin.

You encourage bigotry among your faith against others who are different. That is a sin.

You indoctrinate children into your unsubstatiated beliefs before they are old enough to have developed their own rational and congnitive abilities, forcing them to develope a strong congnative dissonance against reason. THAT IS A SIN.

You use fear mongering to get your believers to act a certain way. That is a sin.

You make people feel ashamed for playing out their own natural urges by having them suffer a penance in confessional. That is a sin.
You condemn people to a hell. How in the hell do you know what an all powerful deity, should he exist, want to do with people? An ancient book of middle eastern fairy tales?
You remain "chaste" and then cover up your sexual abuse of choir boys. THAT IS A SIN.

You see father, I have no sinned, but you are a sinner and are going straight to hell if there even is one. For your penance, you must apologize to everyone at once for your evil ways, and become an agnostic. For as an agnostic, you will finally have the open mind of the non sinner that you claim to be.

Oh, unless you've actually raped choir boys. Then you need to spend some time in a jail cell with a big gay black guy named bubba. That'll be good penance for you, boy!

12 keen observations:

Emmy said...

LOL nice post made me spit out my coffee laughing ;)

Mike said...

Thank you!

I am kind of hoping for some pissed off catholic responses... that'll be entertaining too!

Hungry Mother said...

I'm an ex-catholic who says, "Right On!" My mother-in-law used to run around with a hypocritical priest (pardon the redundancy). I'm just happy that I didn't get raped when I was an altar boy for those 6 AM weekday masses.

billymac said...

"hypocritical priest (pardon the redundancy)"


Anonymous said...

You have some nerve writing garbage like this. Who do you think you are? I. . .yeah, I can't even finish writing this because I'm laughing too hard. Today, I think I shall worship YOU because after this blog, you deserve it.

DrowseyMonkey said...

Ummm...I'm not Catholic, but if you wanted my advice it would be to stay out of the confessional, just a thought. lol.

Mike said...

Thank you all for your praise. When I finished this piece I was tired as hell and thought it was kind of garbage, it didn't turn out at all like I had it in my head. Glad you all liked it anyways!

Don't worry drowsey, I think it would only take one visit from me before they put my picture up on the front door "DO NOT LET IN!"

Just Sayin' said...

Priests are gay...

Ummm... I actually meant that to be funny, but it's actually a pretty factual statement.

It could've been worse I could've said Priests can suck my ass...

It was only once... I was an altar boy...

Mike said...

Let me guess, he offered you a bag of chips and some pop to "keep you occupied?"

Just Sayin' said...

Nope... Communion wafers, wine and the promise of eternal salvation...

Two out of three ain't bad!

Mike said...

I'm starting to get some vile images in my head now, 'just sayin!

Cyberpunk said...


Perhaps for April Fools' Day next year, you can try that "speech" in real life :D if anyone gets angry, you can always say that it was a joke :)