Barnyard Brawl: The Barnyard Retard

Yes, it is time for another episode of the Barnyard Brawl! For those who have not read my previous two episodes, the story revolves around a group of hapless farm animals, loosely based on some animals on a friends farm . These social misfits represent the dregs of our human society, complete with a hedonism complex and sever personality disorders. If you have not already, I would strongly encourage you to read part one here and part two here. Trust me, it would make much more sense, but you'll still try to have me committed for even thinking of this literary abortion.

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When last we left our animal friends, Dicky the pig fucking horse had just died. The weird noisy hairless animals had replaced him with a young stallion, which Beatrice the horny cow found out was a gelding. The hard way. When he would not (or could not) have sex with her.

Cow: Well come on you nutless wonder. Let's go meet the others.
Horse: I thought we were going to get our hooves done?
Sheep #1: Hi new horse, you dickless faggot!
Cow: That's Ed. He's an asshole.
Horse: I like assholes!
Sheep#1: Hey cow! Maybe if you strapped a log to your udders homo over there would pound your cinnamon ring!
Horse: You mean .... I thought those green tasty things that grow on trees were called assholes?
Sheep#1: Man, we got a sharp one here. He's almost as stupid as retard!
Horse: Who's retard?
Sheep #1: Oh, it's my idiot brother. All he can say is
Sheep #2: (from behind horse) BAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Horse: (gets startled and kicks sheep in the head) Oh no! Oh no oh no oh no! I'm so sorry! Are you ok?
Sheep #2: (shakes head) Oh my, thank you! You seemed to have cured my speech impediment!
Sheep #1: Holey Shit! Did you just talk?
Sheep #2: My dear ungulate! Of course I could talk! I was born with a brain defect that stunted my speech. It did not, however, stunt my intellectual growth.
Cow: Uh?
Sheep #1: Well I'll be damned! You're not a retard!
Sheep #2: To the contrary. While you and your cohorts have been lazing around, chewing your cud and humping each other, I've been looking, listening, and most importantly, learning.
Sheep #1: I didn't ask for the fucking speech, professor ugly!
Sheep #2: I expect such a response from a mouth breathing slime bucket such as yourself. Now listen closely, because I'm about to get us everything we always wanted.
Cow: Balls for Mr. Effeminate over there?
Horse: Like I had a choice in the matter! And your horns clash with your bell, and your bell clashes with your fat ass!
Cow: Shut up!
Sheep #2: Listen! Those funny hairless animals with all the power - I've learned to speak their language. And we're going to hold them ransom.
Cow: How?
Sheep #2: You know how they milk you every day?
Cow: How could I forget? The titty massage makes my bovine ass quiver!
Sheep #2: They use the milk for food. And they use the chicken eggs for food too. Every morning before sunrise, I'll show you how to get into the coop and destroy the eggs. And I'll suck you dry of milk so there is nothing left for them.
Cow: Medium pressure, no teeth, gently tongue in a COUNTER clockwise motion. Got it?
Sheep #2: Yes my dear I shall do it with pleasure. When the humans wonder whats going on, we'll tell them, and I'll tell them they'll starve unless our demands are met.
Cow: What are our demands?
Sheep #2: Whatever we want!
Horse: A pink ribbon for my hair!
Cow: Sex with a real horse!
Sheep #1: Cow miserable!
Cow: Hey! Ass!
Sheep #2: And Beatrice, there's something I've always wanted to tell you, something I couldn't until now, and I'll burst unless I tell you!
Cow: What is it?
Sheep #2: Your beauty, your grace, are no equal. Your eyes swim like a thousand oceans, your body is that of a goddess, your scent a divine gift from the gods.
Cow: Swoon!
Sheep #2: Beatrice, I must tell you that I Lo....

Sheep#1 kicks Sheep #2 in the head

Sheep #2: BAAAAAAAA BABAA BAAAAAAAAAAA!
Cow: ED! WHAT THE FUCK!
Sheep #1: Blah blah blah! All he did was talk! I solved that problem didn't I!
Cow: I fucking hate you, Ed.

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If you liked the above, you may also like:

Barnyard Brawl
Barnyard Addition
Bless this, father!
Cute, cuddly little bear!
Things I notice

Barnyard Addition

Back in December, I wrote a little story about some animals in a farm that my mom's friend owns. It was called barnyard brawl, and I wrote it after taking my dog Jinx over to play with one of their dogs. My inspiration came after seeing that the two dogs had an very captive audience of a cow, a horse and two sheep.

This will make much more sense if you read barnyard brawl first, so please, click here and do that. I'll wait while you do. Really, go ahead, it's ok, I have time.


All done? Good. Let's get on with today's story.

The horse I had lovingly nicknamed Dicky is no longer with us. He was thirty years old, and for a horse that's pretty much a geezer. Come to think of it, I just turned thirty. You know, I think I'll give those glue factories a wide berth. Just in case.

Dicky was replaced by another horse, a young gelding male. For those of you who don't know what a gelding is, it's a male horse that still has his weeny but got his pounder plums cut out. That happens a lot to male horses who won't be used for breeding, because it calms them down. That wouldn't calm me down. It would really piss me off. I mean, life without testosterone and little swimmers just isn't worth living, and I wouldn't want to. I'd take out as MANY people as I could along the way though!

Here is how I imagine the Disney conversation between the animals would have taken place. Disney if I were running Disney, which would not be for kids, that I assure you.

Cow: Ed, what happened to Dicky?
Sheep #1: I don't know Beatrice. Last thing I remember is the weird hairless animal hauling him away in the big box. He said something about a glue factory.
Cow: What's a glue? And what's a factory?
Sheep #2: BAAAAAAAAA BA BA BAAAAAAAAAA!
Cow & Sheep #1: SHUT UP RETARD!
Sheep #2: ba
Cow: Hey! There's Dicky now! He's back!
Sheep #1: I don't think that's Dicky, he doesn't look the same.
Cow: I'll say! He's got a four foot long schlong, instead of Dicky's itty bitty little three footer
Sheep #1: Beatrice, why do you always go for the stallions? You know you're not good enough. Nobody wants to screw a cow, at least, they'll never admit to it.
Cow: Can't blame a girl for trying right? Maybe this time will be different!
Sheep #1: Go for it then, I can't wait to watch you get shot down again!
Cow: Shut up Ed, or I'll tell this new guy you're a pig fucker.
Sheep #1: Whatever, at least I'm getting some, fatty.
Cow: I'm not FAT! I'm just big BONED!
Sheep #1: Whatever, land walrus.
Cow: Yea, shut your pie hole before I shit in your precious hair!

Cow approaches new horse

Cow: Hi there new horse, I'm Beatrice.
Horse: Hi Beatrice, I'm Paul.
Cow: Hi Paul, nice to meet you.
Horse: Nice to meet you too.
Cow: Paul, do you think I'm pretty?
Horse: Sure Beatrice, you're real pretty!
Cow: Really? You think so?
Horse: Sure do!
Cow: Great! (turns around so her butt is facing him) Take me big boy!
Horse: Take you where?
Sheep #1: Haha!
Cow: Shut up Ed!
Horse: What's going on?
Cow: Aren't you going to have your way with me?
Horse: Have my...? Oh. Oh. OOOOOOH!
Cow: Yes!
Horse: Ahhhh.... no.
Sheep #1: HA HA HA HA!
Cow: ED!
Cow: Why not Paul? I thought you said I was pretty?
Horse: Yea, you sure are! For a cow!
Sheep #1: HA HA HA HA HA!
Horse: Not that it matters, I'm a gelding
Cow: A gelding?
Horse: Yea, they took my nuts away. Ever since I haven't wanted any sex at all.
Sheep #1 & #2: HAHA!! BA BA BAAAAAA! HAHAHAA! BAAAAAAAA!
Cow: What?
Horse: Yea, I have no nuts. Hey, you know what? Do you want to go get manicures together? I hear that the chicken coop has some AMAZING estheticians! We can get our hair all prettied up too! Maybe we can do some shopping?
Sheep #1: Hey Beatrice! Why don't you take your new ball less effeminate boyfriend behind the barn and screw his brains out! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Cow: I fucking hate you Ed.

Stay tuned for the ongoing saga of the barnyard. Two sheep, one an asshole and one a retard, a gay horse, and a horny cow make good fodder for horribly perverted stories!!