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Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Barnyard Brawl

My border terrier is 17.5 lbs of pure muscle, with an attitude to match. Pound for pound, there are no tougher dogs than terriers, and mine is no exception. She can keep pace with much larger dogs, jump, turn on a dime, and she has teeth comparable to a small german sheppard. She can hold her own, and has a preference to play with the bigger dogs. This weekend was no exception.

A friend of the family has a farm, with a HUGE massive doberman farm dog. Tyson weighs in at about 120 lbs, and has a head the size of a dinner plate. This is not the dog Jinx plays with (he likes to put her in his mouth, she's not a huge fan of that). It's his daughter, Layla, that's Jinx's good buddy.

Six months ago was the first time that Jinx and Layla met. Layla was maybe three or four months old and only three times the size of Jinx. Since this was Jinx's first trip to the fenced pen, she completely ignored Layla (much to Layla's dismay) to try and find weak links. One of the things Jinx is very good at is finding security breaches so she can go terrorize other farm animals or young children in the neighborhood. Satisfied that there were no penetrable four inch gaps in, around or under the fence, Jinx turned her attention to poor Layla. Not that Layla minded, both played for hours tirelessly with much growling and running around.

This weekend, Jinx met Layla again, for the second time. This time, Layla weighed in at about 90 lbs and towered over poor Jinx. Jinx not being one for intimidation, picked up exactly where they had left off six months ago. It was a bit different this time, Jinx had to jump up a bit to bite at Laylas lip to wrestle her to the floor.

These two were happily wrestling away. Growls abounded and dirt flew as the tan body and black bodies tumbled through the farm muck. This attracted the attention of the residents of the neighboring pen. The cow wandered over to the fence line, put her head down and stared intently at the show. Shortly thereafter she was joined by a sheep, a horse, and then a second sheep. All these barnyard animals watched the action intently and without straying while the two dogs wrestled. I can just imagine the conversation that was taking place among them. Animals can talk ok? If Disney says so it MUST be true! Anyways, here's the conversation as I imagine it.

Cow: Ed! Ed get over here!
Sheep#1: What is it Beatrice?
Cow: Look! Look! You'll never believe it!
Sheep#1: Holey crap! Is it...
Cow: Yea! Two predators and they're beating up on EACH OTHER!
Sheep#1: Waitaminute, aren't they supposed to be busy weeding out our weak?
Cow: Yea. Hey, maybe Dicky knows. Hey Dicky!
Horse: Yea, Beatrice?
Cow: Do you know why these two predators are fighting?
Horse: I'm guessing it's this weird thin long thing that makes us hurt when we touch it.
Sheep#1: How do you mean?
Horse: I'm guessing the ugly hairless animal that won't shut up put it up so these predators can't get us.
Cow: So, you're saying they're so hungry they've turned on each other?
Horse: Sure looks like it.
Sheep#1: I don't know about you guys, but I'm thinking that the little itty bitty one is going to have one hell of a meal
Cow: Yea, looks like it's winning eh? Still, it's going to be a long fight the way their going.
Sheep#1: Aww crap. Guys, disperse, look away, pretend you're chewing your cud
Horse: Why?
Sheep#1:Shit, too late. My retarded brother is making his way over.
Cow: Man, that guy is such a downer!
Sheep#2: Baaaaaaaa! Baaa Baaa Baaaaaaaaaa!
Sheep#1: Ba! Ba! That's all you can fucking say is Ba! What the hell is your problem!
Sheep#2: Baaaaa!
Horse: See sheep, I told you your mom and dad are brother and sister!
Sheep#1:Shut up man, or I'll tell everyone about the time you humped the sow!
Horse: Ed!
Cow: Hahahahahaha! Horse, you fucked a pig!
Horse: Yea, well, at least I didn't screw a cow!
Cow: Not with an itty bitty little 3 foot penis like that you're not!
Sheep#1:Hey guys, look! The little one's got the big one on her back!
Horse: Yay! Ok little guy, go in for the kill and make the world just a bit safer for us herbivores!
Sheep#2: Baaa!Baaaa!
Sheep#1:Shut up retard!
Cow: Somethings wrong.
Horse: What?
Cow:The little one is backing off and letting the big one up. Now their fighting again!
Sheep#1: You know, there's no blood. Shouldn't there be blood by now?
Horse: Yea, WTF?
Sheep#1, Horse, Cow: SHUT UP RETARD!
Cow: Hey, maybe if we all sit still and stare right at them they'll get it in gear and kill each other.
Horse: Yea, let's do that.
Sheep#2: BAA.....
Horse: (Kicks him in face), that'll shut you up
Sheep#1: Thank you!
Cow: Shit! Here comes one of those weird hairless animals! Everybody look bovine!
Cow: Mooo!
Horse: Neiiigghhh!
Sheep#1: Baaaa
Me: Man, that sheep is kind of retarded, eh? Ok Jinx, let's go inside!
Horse: Hey! That little one is going in that big well lit cave with the hairless animal! But the fight wasn't over!
Cow: Huh?
Horse: The fight!
Cow: Oh, sorry, been chewing my cud for the last 10. What fight?
Horse: Screw this. Come on Sheep, let's go fuck some pigs
Sheep#1: I don't want to screw Beatrice!
Cow: I fucking hate you, Ed

In the end, Jinx and Layla called it even and the barnyard animals dispersed to do their own thing. I'm looking forward to the next time, I'm betting the action will get even better!

9 keen observations:

Hungry Mother said...


Mike said...

Shut up, retard! :P

Anonymous said...


moooooog35 said...

So this is what happens when you watch "Babe" while smoking crack.

Good to know.

Mike said...

Excuse me!

It wasn't crack, it was acid.

What kind of loser do you think I am?

billymac said...

are you sure? i would have guessed crack.

good one, thanks for the laugh!

Mike said...

Anytime Billy, I'm glad the stark mad ravings of this lunatic entertain!

Cyberpunk said...

why oh why is the horse named Dicky?

jess said...

i love this story so far.

going on to part deux.