My truck is OLD

After learning about the Holy Goat, my friends little daughter insisted on getting a ride home with me. She was so excited to be riding with Uncle Mike. Then she saw my truck. Oh yea.

Niece: Uncle Mike, is that your truck?
Spazoid: Yes Nina, it is.
Niece: Your truck is old.
Spazoid: Yes Nina, it is.
Niece: Your truck makes funny noises.
Spazoid: Yes Nina, it does.
Niece: Uncle Mike, maybe it's time for a new truck?
Spazoid: Maybe.

Yea, right. When it blows up.

What do you guys think?


Also, just to be a dick, because summer is coming up:

MEMORIES OF WINTER

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Roadrage Mother Fucker!

Roadrage mother fucker!

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Fucking rant, mother fucker!

I need to blow off a little steam.

After work today, I took the pup to the park. On the way home, I decided to go to the grocery store to get some food. I turn into the grocery store parking lot and what do I see? A fucking douchebag in a piece of shit Taurus wagon blocking BOTH lanes of traffic, waiting for someone to back out of a spot. Lets look at the illustration, shall we?
I wait for what seems like an eternity (about 20 seconds) and then decide I've had enough and pull past these douches and into a spot. The douche pulls into a spot just ahead of me, and gives me a glance. You know the glance. The glance of road rage. The glance that means "what the hell did you do that for, you IN THE WRONG ASSHOLE".

I shoot her the same look back, turn off the truck, tell Jinx I'd be right back and proceed to the store.

Both the drivers side door and the passenger side door fly open and out get a pair of the fattest, ugliest, greasiest, bull dyke lesbians I have EVER seen in my life! They have NO redeeming qualities about them WHATSOEVER. They aren't even worth a cheap threesome after getting drunk. There is no amount of beer on this planet!

The uglier, fatter passenger cranks open her maw. I swear I catch a whiff of rotten tuna when I hear her say "that was fucking ignorant!"

So I look at her and say "WHAT"

After four or five seconds of cud chewing, she replies, "That was just ignorant! You saw us waiting for that space and you WHIPPED around us and took it!"

And I looked at her again and said "WHAT"

She took a moment to scratch at her udders with her hind paw and said "You heard me, that was plain ignorant!'

I hadn't stopped walking towards the store, and both of them were waddling as fast as their fat little legs could carry them to keep up. I had thought about going a little faster, but I heard that people that grossly and morbidly obese could break bones if they went too fast.

At this point we were in the store.

Once more she opened her greasy, disgusting pimple covered maw and said "YOU'RE IGNORANT! YOU JUST WHIPPED AROUND US AND TOOK OUR SPOT!"

I stopped, turned around and looked at IT straight in ITS bovine eyes and said "First off, I didn't whip around you. I waited behind you for almost a minute. Secondly, you know what's fucking ignorant? Blocking both directions of traffic."

She opened her maw again, and before she could utter a single moo I said "NOW FUCK OFF!"

Her eyes glazed over, she turned back to her partner and they both waddled away, leaving me to shop in peace. I finished up my shopping, and paid for my purchases. As I was leaving the cash register, I saw them both down the aisle. I looked at them, and they didn't make eye contact. They moved away and I continued on my way, got into the truck and went home to make my dinner.

Here's the thing. Had they first approached me with their concerns in a decent manner, I would have reciprocated in kind. They were at fault, as was I. We were both guilty of road rage. I'm a reasonable guy, but when presented with bullshit anger (depending on the situation) I will tell you exactly where to go.

In this case, they found out that, yes, they were blocking two lanes of traffic and were being indecisive about their actions. Because of their own ignorance, they were stalling everyone else trying to get in and out of that parking lot. Everyone is human, everyone makes mistakes. If she wanted to have a civil conversation, she would have found out she was blocking two lanes of traffic. She would have apologized, and I would have apologized, and we all would have gotten on with our day. Instead, she found out that she was being a douchebag by yelling at somebody, and having somebody bigger, meaner, and louder give it right back to her.

I didn't like what happened. I didn't like my reaction. I don't feel good about what I did, what I said, or how I reacted. However, she did have it coming to her, and I hope she feels like a fucking heel.

Rant over.

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Bathroom Etiquette

Etiquette is a human condition caused by societal morals. There are proper etiquettes that are universal among humans, such as respecting someones space, and there are local etiquettes, such as which hand to take change with.

Today, I'd like to talk about bathroom etiquette.

In the Men's Room

Hopefully, the ladies will learn something valuable, and those pushy, immoral men will too. For the ladies, men's room have these things called urinals. It's kind of like a porcelain shelf in the wall that men pee into. Think of a vase with a drain, right?

Proper etiquette means that as men, you must choose the correct urinal. If there are three urinals and all are empty, you must choose one to the extreme left, or extreme right, whichever one is closest to the door. If you choose the one farthest away from the door, that might mean that you enjoy being in a room with naked penis's expelling waste, which no man wants on his conscience.

Also, you can NOT take one in the middle. This will force another man who is coming into the bathroom to take a urinal right beside you. This is considered gay. Even if you are gay, it's in poor taste. Even if he is also gay, he might have a lover. See how this works?

For those going into the bathroom, never, ever take a urinal beside one thats occupied if you can possibly help it. If there are five urinals and urinals #2 and #4 are empty, use a stall. You may ONLY use a urinal directly beside an occupied urinal if all the stalls are taken as well. This is not considered gay, because you have no other choice in the matter.

Using more than a nod or a grunt to awknoledge another urinal users presence will be considered gay. The only exception to this is if you know the guy, but you still can't look at him. Look straight ahead, at the wall, at all times. If you try to look anywhere else, it'll be considered trying to look at a naked man wiggly and that's just gay.

In the Ladies Room

Honestly, I don't have a frigging clue what kind of etiquette goes on in a ladies room. I do know that ladies never go alone. They go with their friend, or in herds. If men did that, that would be considered gay and in bad taste. Anything that might make a man be considered gay in bad taste. It's not correct, it's not rational, but that's what makes men, men. I digress.

I imagine that women cannot go pee alone in a public rest room because it takes more than one woman to perform the necessary bodily function. I can very easily imagine women being germaphobes and not wanting to touch the toilet bowl with any part of their anatomy. That's fair enough, I guess. How do I think this is done, you ask? I'll tell you.

It takes three woman to perform this task. The woman needing to use the toilet attaches strings to her skirt. She then throws them over the side of the stall, where the skirt lifter is waiting. The skirt lifter tugs on the strings, exposing the womans buttocks and poon tang so she doesn't get anything wet. Then, she extends her arms and her friend, the spotter, takes hold. They go toe to toe, and the spotter slowly lowers the girl so that her bum is just hovering over the toilet, but not touching it. The woman does her business, the spotter lifts her up, and the skirt lifter lowers the skirt. This process is repeated until all women have evacuated themselves.

This also explains why it takes women so damned long to use the restroom.

Others

You might be saying, "but spazoid, there is no other restrooms other than ladies and mens!" You'd be right in telling me that. But in todays society of loosely defined genders, there should be.

Take transvestites for example. There are many different kinds. Pre-Op, Post-Op, men that are almost ladies, and yes, ladies that are almost men. What room should they use, and what sort of etiquette should apply?

Spazoid is normally a rather tolerant man, so he will say this: If you have a penis, but you look like a lady, use a bush outside you freak.

You ladies can deal with the rest of them. Or until you explain to me the rules of ladies bathroom etiquette.
==============

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What NOT to say to a Woman.

If you're male, and anything like me, over the years you'll have experienced exactly how different woman are than you. It's not just that they have different genitals, or boobs (some men have those too, GROSS!), they THINK differently too.

You have to be careful as to what you say to a woman. She may take it in a way completely different to how you mean, in ways you have not even dreamed of! And, as many experienced men know, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

With that in mind, here are some things that you do NOT say to or near a woman.

• Hey you! (YOU is offensive. It should be her name, or Miss. Anything else means you are evil).
• Excuse me, Miss? No not you, the fat one.
• Hey! Those new pants TOTALLY cover your front butt!
• Nice perm! I had one of those in the 80's when I was going through my Bon Jovi phase!
• Son, if you eat your vegetables, you'll be able to grow a cool mustache just like her!
• Hey lady! Next time you cut one of those you SO need to light it!
• Yea, you look pretty good for your age.
• Takes a lot of guts for a lady like you to wear THAT.
• That's your MOM? I thought it was your sister!
• Oh. That's your make up? I thought you were on your way to clown college.
• I see your point, but THIS cream takes care of cellulite too!
• Listen, lets just buy you an extra ticket, I KNOW the airline will make you anyways.
• I think your unibrow is sexy!
• Hey! Did you know that when you laugh your second chin overlaps your third?
• I appreciate your trying to look sexy, but when you wear a G-String it looks like a walrus flossing
• Hold your own damned purse, OK?
• We have a lot of bills, do you really think you need another pair of shoes?
• You're pregnant? Six months? Really? I couldn't tell!
• Is that a gray hair?
• I think the dryer is running hot, cuz all your clothes seem to be shrinking lately.
• What anniversary?
• Would you ladies shut up already! Sounds like a thousand geese having an orgy in there!
• You know, women with kankles shouldn't wear high heels.
• Get me a beer ok?
• Your sister is WAY hotter than you!
• Oh, by the way, my ex girlfriend is coming over for dinner tonight.

And the number one thing you should never say to a woman is.....

• No.

I hope my knowledge and experience has helped you today, and may the wrath you incur from women be slight and infrequent. Amen.

The evil single friend!

Ladies. Ok, seriously. WTF? I have to ask, what's with this one?

WHY, if you have a boyfriend, or a husband, do you feel their single male friends are so evil?

You're willing to give your significant others friends a fair kick at the can. You know, give them the benefit of the doubt, start out ok, let their personalities make friends or enemies. Rational people stuff. But only if their friends are attached or married!

Us single guys don't get that benefit of the doubt. We start off being jerks, no matter how nice we are. If we're nice, we have ulterior motives. If we're not nice, it's "SEE! I told you he was no good!"

What exactly is it about us single guys that makes us so bad? Do you think we're going to convince him that you're not good enough and to dump your stupid ass and go pick up random chicks?

Do you think we're single because we're baby eating axe murder's?

Do you think that the only way to be a good human being is to have a steady girlfriend or wife, and if that is so, why is that?

Please, would somebody tell me why married females hate single men? Why we have to work extra hard to convice them we're not going to steal their jewlery and rape them?

Seriously, what the hell? Will somebody please set me staight on the female rationale?