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Monday, October 22, 2007

Grand Pooba of small town boners

Ever known somebody that was just a complete retard in every aspect of life?

I used to hang out with a guy by the name of *Pete. Pete was a mutual friend with some other friends of mine. Pete wasn't known for being the smartest guy in the world. His education was minimal, his job was very low end, and this year he finally moved out of his parents house at the age of 31. Pete was a typical small town BONER!

This is not a new story but it is a good one. About 5 years ago, I was at my friends house when they got a call. She picked up the phone, listened for a minute, and then started laughing. She couldn't stop. She managed to get out of her mouth between giggles the words "Pete.... called....the.....cops.... on.... HIMSELF!!!" The rest of us laughed. We're still laughing.

The wonderfully funny sequence of events are as follows:

1.Pete decides to go to the bar

2.The bar is two blocks away so naturally Pete has to drive his riced out Hyundai Tiberon (What else would you spend your money on, being a low income loser living with your folks?)

3.Pete gets hammered

4.Pete gets into his riced up coolio car and cranks the bass to 1 decibel below blowing his windows out

5.After 5 minutes, Pete finds first gear and noses his ricer out of the lot and down the road to his house

6.Pete imagines somebody cutting him off, causing him to jump the curb and hit a small tree

7.Pete calls the police, indignantly insisting they come down so he can give them a description of the "ass who caused his accident" so they can track him down and throw him in jail.

8.The police arrive on scene, find a very drunk Pete, a cracked up ricer, and nobody around. The police arrest Pete.

9.Pete can't believe he got arrested and thinks this is a travesty of justice after he loses his license for a year.

This defies all logic! You call the cops to catch a guy who you think cut you off when you're three sheets to the wind? You want to drive your shitty car to show off to the ladies you aren't going to score with anyways, fine. You get hammered, fine. Your house was only two blogs away. STUMBLE HOME! You crack up your car, and call the cops? What exactly did he think was going to happen? The cops were going to come back five minutes later with the imaginary driver that "caused" his accident? That this guy was going to buy him a new car and the world would be a better place to live in for him?

If this guy had a single brain cell in his head, he would have went home, got out the whiskey bottle, have a drink, then call the cops. Tell them he was so upset he had to go home and have a couple of drinks to clear his head. Or even better, back his car off the tree and push it the half a block home, and discretely get the body work down without saying a word to anyone, lesson learned. Or even better, NOT DRIVEN IN THE FIRST PLACE!!

So, here is the question. How many people out there are dumb enough to call the cops on themselves, or does this guy deserve the boner of the decade award?

*Names changed to protect the idiotic.

5 keen observations:

Anonymous said...

|*laughing* I remember when that happened, and I really do think this story takes the cake! Really!

There's only one problem with the alternate scenarios you have suggested. Pete wouldn't have been physically able to push his car home, drunk or not. Wasn't he a skinny, puny little thing?

Cyberpunk said...

Pffft! Talk about truth being stranger than fiction.

He was only two blocks away. But still failed to keep himself safe and out of jail.

Mike said...

A.Nonymous, yes he was skinny puny without any muscle mass. Still, the car was pretty small. It might have taken him till sunrise, but he would have pushed it that half block!

Cyber - Intelligent people such as you and I understand the concept of risk vs. action, and what are acceptable risks and what are not. Driving drunk is NOT an acceptable risk. Calling the cops after driving drunk and crashing, well, there is no risk involved, you know exactly what would happen. Or you would think.

That's what makes it such a beauty story, this guys is SUCH a boner!

DrowseyMonkey said...

I say give him the award! :)

Mike said...

I would give him the award but he thinks he's the man, so he might try to beat me up. Then he'd trip in his feet and land in the garbage can, all the while blaming a mystery gust of wind. Probably the one whistling between his ears!