A day in the life of an Atheist

Not too long ago, a friend and I closed up shop on a website dedicated to interfaith sharing and understanding. The thrust of the project was to allow people of divergent cultures, religions and viewpoints to come together and share their experiences, their knowledges, and learn about each other. In so doing, it was our hope to foster peace and understanding among the different peoples.

To that end, it had some success. Unfortunately, there were a group of people who had no interest in respect, peace, or understanding.

That group of people came soley from the abrahamic religions.

During that year, I gained a tremendous amount of respect for faiths such as Buddhism, Hinduism, Paganism, Wicca, Shamanism, and the such. Christianity and Judaism were left sorely wanting in my experience.

I'm not going to say that every and all of these people I came across in my search was a complete fuckshit. That's not true at all. I did meet some truly inspiring people from the Jewish and Christian communities that should be commended for their mature, tolerant and understanding attitudes. But by and far, most of these people I met were small, insecure, hateful, and complete hypocrites.

Case in point, according to one Zionist (a jew who believes in complete and total Jewish sovereignty of Israel) told me that I was propagating the next holocaust simply by preaching tolerance and peace between the different faiths. Imagine that!

Without a lick of proof or reason, many of the Abrahamic faith look only inwards for information about the world around them, instead of simply looking at the world around them! A Christian knows everything there is to know about a person who practices wicca, or a person who is an atheist, by what their own religion and faith teaches them about these faiths and nothing else. If their faith tells them that you are wearing a blue shall when in fact it is red, your shall is blue! So sayeth the lord!

According to deep seated fundamentalist Christianity, Wiccans pray to their devil, as does anyone else who doesn't prescribe to their faith for that matter. It does not matter that Wicca is a celebration of nature, that the Christian devil to them is as real as the Christian god; those evil people worship the devil and look to destroy us god fearing Christians! Burn them!

To some fundamentalist Christians especially, atheism is almost as evil as Wicca. By proxy us atheists believe in the devil that is a Christian creation, when in actuality we believe in none of their stories!

My atheism is classified as weak atheism, the most prevalent kind of atheism. To wit the belief is simply non belief. There is no proof of the credibility of any single one religion or religions. No one living today has seen or spoken to any god, and there is no holy book that can be verified in any way. The number of religions and sects of religions is enormous. When the only reason to believe in something particular is for the most part the region of the world you were born into, who is to say that religion is any absolute truth? There is no empirical or tangible evidence for belief and yet the beliefs are not falsifiable by design, so there is no logical reason to believe.

It's very simple. Should good evidence come forth for the credibility of any one belief, a good working hypothosis is conceived and an actual theory is constructed with good, reproducible, verifiable and sound scientific data and experimentation, then the atheist community would give it credibility and scrutiny.

Simply put, people of the monotheistic faith do not even have any arguments that cannot be used of anyone with differentiating monotheistic beliefs. When most arguments work for all, why believe any particular one?

The point of this ramble it thus: Since fundamentalist abrahamic religions know everything there is to know about everything else that isn't them, and if it isn't them it's EVIL!! Here is what I think one of these people "knows" what a day in the life of this atheist is.

03:00 - sit up in bed, spin head around and mutter satanic verses while furniture flies about the room.
06:45 - wake up, kick dog in balls
07:00 - walk out the door with no thought to personal hygiene. Wade through layers of garbage, as atheists are always bad neighbors
07:15 - poop on the front stoop of the local church
07:45 - promise to help old ladies cross the street, than run away laughing, leaving them stranded in the middle of the street
08:15 - burn bibles (or korans, or torahs)
09:00 - walk into 7/11, punch attendant in face, steal smokes and burritos
09:15 - go to nearest church, step over poo, stuff cigarette butts and burrito wrappers into donation box
10:00 - show up to work 1.5 hours late. Sign in on time
10:30-13:00 - take lunch
13:00 - 14:50 - take break. Drink bottle of whiskey
14:51 - rape good christian receptionist
14:52 - threaten good christian receptionist with death if she ever tells
16:00 - leave work, sign out as having left on time
16:30 - go to McDonalds, hop counter, eat burgers, head butt good christian boy working behind counter, piss in the fry machine
17:00 - get together with atheist buddies and drink
18:00 - burn down church: set up minister to take fall
19:00 - beat up old lady and steal purse
20:00 - break into old ladies home and beat up her husband
23:00 - draw pentagram on floor and sacrifice good christian baby to devil. Set up same minister you set up before for fall.
01:00 - fall asleep with carcass of baby in mouth.

I'd like make note on morals. Christians in particular lay claim to the good morals of todays secular society as coming from the basics of Christian morals. While they are similar (except for the fearing some invisible sky fairy part), there is no basis in Christianity, just because of similarities. Things like don't murder, don't steal, don't commit adultery are GOOD IDEAS for societal morals. Such things are thought of by the proponents of society. They are similarities only.

One final thought on morals. What group do you think is most likely to have the best moral fibres? Do you think it would be group A or group B?

Group A - believe that eternal salvation and happiness await for them after they die if they only repent, even if it's on their deathbed.

Group B - believe that the life they are living in the only life they have, and who wants to spend that entire life in a jail cell?

Chaw on that, fundies!

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The Holy Goat

My readers may know by now my stance on religion. My personal stance. That stance is it's old fashioned, silly, and the stylized rituals are best left for man's primitive past.

My stance was affirmed yet again this weekend.

You see, I went to a catholic mass.

It was my friends daughters first communion. He's almost as atheist as I, but his wife and his wifes best friend ensure that the children are fully and properly indoctrinated. As such, both are catholic, not that they know - or care what that means.

I entered the church with quiet reservation. It was just plain weird. People were milling about, admiring the dead people and weird looking statues of some lady hanging on the walls. I had anticipated the church air burning my heathen lungs, and the holy water burning my heathen fingers. That didn't happen, but I texted my friend that it was horribly painful anyways. And we laughed!

So, I learned a few things. Firstly, I learned that catholics are cannibals. The first communion is where you eat the body of Christ. I would have thought he'd be kind of gamy and rotted by now, and his remains would have long since been picked over by the millions of catholics eating him over the last 2000 years. I was wrong.

Secondly, I learned all about the fodder, the sun, and the holy goat.

I may have gotten that wrong. The priest was Italian and had a thick accent. But that's what I heard. The fodder, the sun, and the holy goat.

The holy goat is what scared me the most. The priest started talking about opening yourself, and letting the holy goat fill you up. Letting a holy goat fill me up. Yet another reason for my atheism. That particular orifice is exit only, besides which, I'm not into animals that way of ANY gender. Gross!

The priest went on forever and ever. Well, it was just over an hour, but it seemed like just over a year. He was a very confused man, asking us to stand, sit, stand, sit, kneel, stand, sit, kneel, stand, sit, and then finally stand. I guess having a severe case of ADD is a prerequisite to being a priest?

As the mass went on (and on, and on) one thing became abundantly clear to me. There is a very fine line between a religion and a cult. I made the realization that religion is a cult, with the difference of a propensity for killing others, not themselves. Although at one point in the service I half expected them to bring out some killer kool aid. The priest would say something, and the ENTIRE congragation would say something else, completely in unison, and in a subdued monotone. The whole congregation was trained like Pavlov's dog. Except the bell wasn't a bell, it was some old guy wearing robes and a silly hat.

About halfway through my buddy tapped me on the shoulder, and pointed to his watch. Yes, I was feeling the same thing. I said to him, in what I thought was a hushed tone, "Why can't they just throw these kids some Jesus chunks so we can go home?" It was then that one of the ladies in the pew in front of us turned around and gave me the look of death.

When I say turned around, her body stayed pointing towards the front, but her head swiveled a full 180 a la the exorcist to bestow upon me the evil eye of catholicism. Fortunately, she stopped short of blowing green goo onto my freshly purchased polo shirt, and her head swiveled back to face front, completing the mind boggling 360.

It was then I realized I had perhaps made my last, fatal mistake. I should have known better. I should have known that deeply religious people aren't particularly rational, and do things like fly airplanes into buildings and blow up offices full of live people to protest death. I was in a room full of people who could probably easily be riled up into doing a little atheist bashing.

I looked around the room for exits. I was right in the middle of the deal. There were catholics everywhere. I prepped my bum for a fart, because I heard if you fart in church you'd sit in your own pew. That would at least buy me some space and some much needed time.

Fortunately, the frenzied beating that would have been my death never came, even though I made a few additional insensitive and ill timed comments. The priest finished the service, and only slapped the alter boy on the bum once. My little niece (she calls me Uncle Mike because I've known her since she was in her daddies balls) looked darling in her frilly white dress and coiffed hair set with a shiny tiara. She finally got to eat her Jesus chunk, and we finally got to leave that horrible, boring place.

What followed was a lovely party at my friends home, complete with a Christ cake.

I guess catholics like eating their lord and savior wherever they can. It sure beats being violated by a worshiped goat, I guess.

In the end, it was well worth the hour of torture. After mass, when my little niece realized I was there, ran up to me and gave me a big hug. After I let her go, she reached up for another. The decision was made right then and there, that I would easily brave the hour of boring, religious terror for her, and her brother, any time and forever.

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The story of passover told by a Jewish Atheist Asshole

Disclaimer: If you are hyper religious and/or easily offended by religious parody, don't read any further. Seriously. Fuck off and don't come back, ok? You've been warned.

Forthwith, the word 'gawd' will be used to denote the Abrahamic invisible magical sky faerie no one living has ever seen or spoken to.

Once, a long long time ago, in the great land of Egypt, a Pharaoh sat on his throne, completely enamored by his kingdom and his status of god.
Pharaoh: Subjects! Build me a great pyramid so that I have somewhere to go when I kick the bucket! And make it really, really big, cuz I'm god, didn't you know.
Subject: Certainly sir! It'll take fifty years, but we'll get er done!
Pharaoh: Dude, I ain't gonna make it no fifty years. Get some slaves. That'll make it go quick.
Subject: Ok, I'll round up some big strong Africans.
Pharaoh: NO! Are you whacked? There's lots of them, and they can kick our asses. Also, I hear they hold a grudge for a really, really long time. Go round up those Jews. They're not strong or good at sports, but there's lots of them. And they're easy to control, just takes a whip.

And so the Jews were rounded up. Gawd looked down at the plight of his chosen people. He could have stopped it there and then, before it got bad and his people suffered, but they were getting pretty damned whiny and he thought they could use a bit of humility. Also, Gawd is an asshole.

Every single Jew on the entire continent now lived in Egypt, except for the Jewish American Princess's. They annoyed the crap out of Pharaoh so he had them sent to New York City.

The Jews toiled and slaved. This went on for generations. The Jews prayed to their gawd, but he was too busy playing pocket pool over an issue of hustler to pay any attention.

One day a Jewish woman shat a kid. It was a boy, and she didn't want it to be taken away to slavery. So she built a little boat and floated him down the river, praying to gawd to save this little boy from the certain death his mother had set upon him. And did gawd scratch his nuts and fart!

An Egyptian woman found moses and took him as her own. Moses grew up as a spoiled Egyptian kid.

One day as moses was smoking some dope, a bush lit itself on fire and started talking to him. Moses figured it was the dope, but gawd set him straight.

Gawd: Moses, I fucked up. The Jews are the chosen people.
Moses: Yea I know! We chose them to build our shit!
Gawd: You moron. You're a Jew. Your mom floated you down the river and your Egyptian mom found you. I need you to march into Pharaoh's palace and tell him to let your people go.
Moses: Screw you asswipe! Just for that, I'm going to whip the Jews even harder!
Gawd: Then I shall give you a tiny five inch penis! SHAZAM!

And moses saw that his penis had shrunk to investment banker size. And he screamed.

Gawd: Now go do my bidding and I'll give you your junk back!

So did moses march into Pharaoh's palace and demand his people be let free. And so did Pharaoh laugh. Moses went back to the burning bush (after smoking another few doobies).

Gawd: What did pharaoh say?
Moses: aren't' you like omnipotent or something? Shouldn't you know?
Gawd: Yea, but the people that'll be reading the book for the next few thousand years won't be particularly literate for the most part. Also, the people writing it will be even less so. We'll have to use poor metaphors and explain everything so they don't get frustrated and go bang some sheep.
Moses: K. He told me to go screw myself, but before I did that I'm to report to slavery tomorrow. You asshole! At least give me back my giant schlong! I'm tired of this schlittle!
Gawd: Whatever you whiny little pervert. Go tell pharaoh to let the Jews go OR ELSE.
Moses: Or else what?
Gawd: YEA!
Moses: ooooo k.

So did Moses go back to Pharaoh's palace.

Moses: Let my people go! Or else!
Pharaoh: Or else what?
Moses: YEA!
Pharaoh: Don't you have a pyramid to build?

And so gawd devised a plan for what else. He'd set some plagues about. First, he made the water turn into blood. Ok, so it wasn't blood, it was just cherry Kool aid dumped in the Nile. And the Egyptians cursed, for he hadn't put enough sugar in. Kool aid without sugar sucks.

Then gawd sent a bunch of frogs. And the Egyptians ate French! Yummy.

Then he sent Gnats. But there were still a bunch of frogs from the last plague and they ate them all. DOH!

Fine, I'll just send flies then! And the frogs ate the flies too. DUH!

Then gawd diseased the livestock. So the Egyptians ate MORE frogs! Yummy!

Then came boils, hail, and locusts.

Pharaoh: Head builder dood. How's my pyramid coming?
Builder: Pretty much done sir. We just need to install the cappuccino maker.
Pharaoh: Do we need Jews for that?
Builder: Nah, Nadine down in reception said she'd do it, and make us coffee's too!
Pharaoh: Ok, let all the Jews go then, the last three plagues have gotten a tad annoying.
Gawd: SCREW YOU JERK! I worked long and hard on those plagues, and I'll be damned if I don't get to unleash my last one! I'm going to harden your heart!
Pharaoh: UGH! Ummm... ARGH! I NEED A SUN ROOM! KEEP ALL THE JEWS!

So the angel of death passed by and killed every one of the first born Egyptians in a completely unnecessary orgy of blood and torture. Gawd stroked his mullet and opened a beer, and was pleased.

Moses gathered up the Jews, and headed off into the sunset. Not known to them, a contingent of Egyptian soldiers was coming after them. The Jews were stopped by the red sea. Moses turned around and saw the Egyptian soldiers in the distance. There were probably about a dozen of them, because you know, Gawd just killed the bulk of the young Egyptians.

Moses: What are we going to do! There's ten or twelve Egyptians and only 5,000 of us! Argh!
Gawd: Fine, you whiny little turd. I'll part the sea for you.

And Gawd farted, and the sea parted.

Moses: Everybody across!
Jew #1: But I'll get my feet wet!
Jew #2: Won't my hair get frizzy from the moisture?
Jew #3: I'm slightly allergic to shellfish! What If I step on a shrimp and get a tiny rash?
Jew #4: Oiy! Can somebody carry me? I'm tired!

And Moses asked Gawd if he really wanted to save the Jews. Gawd told him to shut up and made his penis an inch shorter. And Moses wailed!

So the Jews ran across the read sea. The Egyptians were about 20 feet in when Gawd made the waters come back. And the Egyptians got their feet wet. The red sea is really shallow. Defeated, the Egyptians returned to the bank to dry off their feet.

The Jews started walking in the desert. They got really thirsty. Moses, needing to make up for his now minuscule penis, started beating on a rock and telling it to give him water. Gawd make the rock spew forth water, to shut Moses up before he hurt himself.

The Jews wandered further, and got hungry. Gawd gave them mana from the heavens to snack on. Of course, the Jews were delirious from heat stroke and didn't realize they were actually eating camel patties. So much the better.

The Jews wandered for years and years. Forty years to be exact. It would have taken them a few months had the gotten directions, but Moses wasn't about to take directions from a goy!

Finally, they found their promised land. Bordering their lands were the Muslims, whom they thought were wonderfully nice people to be neighbors with. They couldn't wait to have block parties! It was going to be fun.

Moses: Yay! Our promised land! I can't wait!
Gawd: Did I forget to mention? You're old now. ZZZAPP!

And did Moses have a brain aneurysm and die.

So every year we celebrate how our all powerful Gawd that no one alive has ever spoken to neglected to prevent us from terrible tragedy, but let us go through generations of torture. We celebrate how our omnipotent all powerful leader lead us free of slavery by committing gruesome tortures that could have been prevented by not "hardening" a pharaoh's heart. We celebrate gawd choosing to let us wander in a horrid desert for forty years! We celebrate a story that's probably not true, in a book full of fairy tales.

I'm not complaining though, my mom cooks a great feast!

On with the food!

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Dissapointment, and an Opinion

I was disappointed today.

One of my blogging heroes, V at Violent Acres, made a broad, sweeping generalization that smacks of ignorance for a person of her clear logic and rational intelligence.

She said:

The problem with Atheists is most of them are snobs.

She went onto describe them as "dumb" and "fighting a losing battle", amongst other things.

This doesn't particularly sound like something she would say in a rational state of mind. Generalizations like that are akin to saying "MOST Catholic priests diddle little boys", "MOST protestants gaybash and witchunt", or " MOST Sicilians are part of the mob".

In a repeating cycle, people from any one group who are at the fundamentalist end of the extreme are also the loudest. These are the people who want to make their arrogant and misguided views known to the world with as much muster and fanfare as they can possibly provide. Their voice does not represent the whole, rather, it makes the rest look bad. Most people are trying to live their lives, not host rallies and websites and posters that scream to the world "Everybody that believes anything other than we do are retards!"

People who spearhead fundamentalist and extreme, loud and obnoxious initiatives are all the same people; they are merely waving a different banner.

I do, however, have an opinion that can be construed as a broad, sweeping generalization.

I do believe that most people live for themselves, and work towards mostly their own interests. It's an evolved trait that's good for the survival of you or your own, but in this rapidly constructed "village" of millions and billions, there can be adverse effects.

For example, next election pay attention to what many people are saying around you. I bet it'll be something like "but this candidate is going to slash taxes, that's good." or "But this candidate will be giving us more money for child tax credit! I have six children, that's good! Vote for him!"

Very few people make statements concerning the policies that affect the good of the whole, unless it's a popular topic such as the environment. And that's only because it's a bandwagon opinion, and they're whole heartedly jumping on board (only after ensuring their candidate makes an election promise that benefits them directly).

Politicians cater to the people's whims. More so, they cater to the whims of the large conglomerates, and the large conglomerates want to ensure that the people are consumer whores. It benefits them, and what benefits them benefits the politicians.

In essence, an entitelist "not my fault" attitude is good for big business, and what's good for big business is good for the politicians. That attitude changes little among the first world, and you don't get much change between major parties, only superficial differences.

In the futuristic world of Robert A. Heinlein's Starship Troopers, the only people on Earth who are allowed to vote are people who are classed as "citizens". Sure, you can live your life without getting your citizenship. You can get a job, you can start a company, you can be the CEO of a major corporation and rake in billions of dollars if that's your aptitude. But unless you're a citizen, you can't vote.

Citizens are those who have served time in the military. Hard time. That's the only way you can get your citizenship, and that's the only way you will ever be allowed to vote.

The reason this system was instilled? Because those who have served time in the military are trained to think of the good of the whole above the good of themselves. That attitude is carried forward to the polls.

The world he created does not suffer from a draining social system, rampant frivolous lawsuits and a self centered attitude. The economy is strong, taxes are low, and people are happy. The only real threat to this planet comes from off of it, from an alien species.

Call me jaded, as good as this sounds, I don't think it will ever be possible to achieve. At least, not in the very near future.

Oh, and just for the record, the definition of atheist is as follows:

atheism is the absence of belief in deities

That's it, that's all. Anything further to that is the opinion of one person, or a group of people, and has no bearing on anyone else.

My personal feelings are a lack of empirical evidence, and the entirety of monotheistic religions claim they are correct and insist that everyone else is wrong. Accordingly, even the subsets of the same religion cannot agree; so which religion would I choose when all of them are as right, and as wrong as the next?

The answer is none of them.

At the same time, I cannot prove that said deities do not exist, and a particular religion is wrong. I believe that all have the right to practice what they believe, as long as it does not do any harm, physically or emotionally, to their own or to anyone else.

I believe in the RIGHT for anyone to uphold their own personal belief without harrasement.

And I expect the same from everyone else.

Yea, I was rambling, and I mixed in two different topics together. It's my blog and I'll do what I wanna!

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Those Homosexuals

I'm a living contradiction. Even though I'm quite the insensitive jerk, I'm also all about tolerance.

I have tolerance for homosexuals just as I have tolerance for people that have different beliefs than I do, because being different is what living on this planet is all about. I even tolerate those idiotic asshats (I'm looking at you, fundamentalist religious zealots) who hate me because I'm not like them. And that makes me better than them! Whoohoo I'm better than somebody!

Today though, I'm talking about homosexuals. My stance on homosexuality is the same as my stance on heterosexuality (of which I'm a member), bi sexuality, animal humping and impaling yourself on various objects or parts while wearing leathers and cutting yourself with rusty mopeds. I want those of you who are intolerant asshats to listen closely (I'm looking at you, fundamentalist religious zealots).

WHAT HAPPENS BEHIND CLOSED DOORS BETWEEN CONSENTING ADULTS IS THEIR BUSINESS, AND THEIR BUSINESS ONLY.

Got that? Good.

Because what I'm about to say next doesn't sound particularly tolerant at all, but it's the way I feel!

Guys doing guys are gross. Really. I think about myself doing a guy and I gag. And listen here, guys, you have ALL thought about it. You cannot make a decision on your stance without thinking about it. As a matter of fact, you have to think about it just to say that you think it's gross! So chew on that.

On that subject, I've prepared some diagrams on the proper use of male body parts.
Now that we understand what the acceptable entry device is, and the uses for the rest of the male anatomy, let's look at the use of the entry device within the female anatomy.
I hope I've been clear.

Now, let's move on to my stance on lesbians.

Yummy! Would anyone else like to be the meat in that sandwich as much as I would? Well, yes, just every single one of my heterosexual male readers!

Butt (hehe) really. This is my tribute to homosexuals everywhere!


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Happy Easter!

Happy Easter Sunday everybody!

Boy, was I ever given a HUGE treat this morning. I went out to my backyard, and there he was, the easter bunny, laying me some mini chocolate eggs, right on my property! I couldn't believe it! So I snapped a picture.

I was so excited, that I tried one right away!

They weren't as good as the ones you buy from the store. Not nearly as good. As a matter of fact, they tasted like ASS! I figured this was the easter bunnies way of punking me because I'm not christian. So I let my dog outside.

This is what's left of that damned bunny!

I apologize for ruining Easter this year and years to come. If theres a bright side to this story, I don't have to feed my dog today. She's already eaten!

Happy Easter all!

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Dealing with the Evangalistic Douchebag

Why do Christian Evangelists feel the need to make the second thing they say to you "have you let Jesus into your heart?" You know, if they took the time to know you better, they'd know the answer to that question. Don't they know that this falls into the same line as annoying as hell telemarketers trying to sell a shitty product or service? Why are they trying to cheapen their belief by becoming nothing more than a door to door crappy vacuum salesmen?

If they took the time to actually talk to me, they'd find out that I don't believe in their invisible sky fairy any more than I believe in any one else's invisible sky fairy. I don't try to proselytize any Christians into atheism, why should I? Your beliefs are your own and you are welcome to them. I don't want to push any thing onto anybody, I really, truly don't care if you believe in Jesus, or Allah, or some sort of magical purple unicorn that flies out of your ass every stinking night.

The funny thing is, if there was atheist evangelists, the religious evangelists would cry foul. THOSE ATHEISTS ARE DESCRIMINATORS! SUE THEM! ARREST THEM! STOP THEM! Seriously, try that with an evangelist and see how upset they get. I guess it's ok for them to do it to others, but turnabout isn't fair play. Do they not realize that by pushing your beliefs on others, it's the same as saying "you're an idiot for believing what you believe. Only our beliefs are correct, and you're going to hell." The hypocrisy some of these evangelists spout is thick and palatable.

Let's get one thing straight, evangelists. There is as much physical, empirical, and quantitative evidence for your invisible sky fairy as any one else's, and that evidence is NONE. No one living has seen your god, and those who have come from a thousands of years old book that has no historical backing. You heard me. Understand that the winners write the history books. The societies that have won the wars, that have taken dominance over the lands, these are the people who get their stories told. And these stories usually are extremely biased. Historians know this, so before something becomes historical fact, historians look for records of the same events from different societies. Preferably enemies of the winners. If the two more or less agree, it becomes fact.

THERE ARE NO AGREEMENTS ON HOLY BOOKS.

Everything remains, your belief. So you see, EVERY religion is on a level playing field. Understand? I know you don't, Mr. Evangelist Douchebag, which is why I've scripted a response to you. Anyone who wants to use it, please feel free.

Evangelist Douche: Hello Mr. Spazoid, nice day isn't it.
Spazoid: Sure is, how are you today.
Evangelist Douche: Just fine, have you let Jesus into your heart?
Spazoid: No, but I let him into my trunk.
Evangelist Douche: Pardon?
Spazoid: Yea, when I was vacationing in Cozumel.
Evangelist Douche: I don't understand?
Spazoid: Yea, he wanted to get across the border, and I felt sorry for him. So I let him into my trunk to smuggle him across. The problem was, the retard made ALL sorts of noise at the border. Something about going to the bathroom. I left the guy an empty bottle back there to use, what the hell?
Evangelist Douche: Sir, I don't see how -
Spazoid: Yea, the border patrol had to arrest him. I had to act all "Holey shit! How the hell did he get in there!" to avoid getting arrested. Boy, was he was pissed!
Evangelist Douche: But you don't get it, I -
Spazoid: He wasn't nearly as pissed as the girl I was seeing at the time. That was her father! I didn't get laid for a month!
Evangelist Douche: *Stammering uncontrollably*
Spazoid: Are we done here? Get off my porch.

Good luck to all!

March 2, 2008 UPDATE!

To those who haven't seen this before, how'd you like this to come knocking at your door? And are you as disgusted as I am?



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The absurdity of homophobia

Unidentified Flying Anus

The other night, I was watching a show on the Space channel. It was all about people who claim to have been abducted by Aliens. The stories were amazingly consistent - because there were only four people interviewed (I'm sure the show edited out all the inconsistencies for better ratings). One of the things that the abductees claimed the aliens did was all sorts of probing, including ANAL probing.

What, exactly, can you learn from anal probing?

This is why I'm convinced that if this is true, it's a giant, interstellar practical joke that one species of aliens are playing on another.

Here's how I think it would go.

Alien #1 - Kaptardj, I just snatched another batch. Get the lower orifice probe ready, would you?
Alien #2 - Snardikjas, I don't know. We've been probing the lower orifice of these humans for years now, and all we've found is some stinky brown stuff - EVERY TIME.
Alien #1 - I know it seems like a lot of work, but the Chartulans from the Omacron Gamma system tell us that one in every 2 million humans produces dark matter from it's lower orifice. Can you imagine! A renewable source of fuel for our ship, all for free!
Alien #2 - Praise Jesus!
Alien #1 - What the heck is a Jesus?
Alien #2 - I'm not sure. I was probing a female human, and she gave me this pamphlet and started talking about some sort of Jesus fellow. She told me she was something called a 'Jehova's Witness".
Alien #1 - And then what happened?
Alien #2 - She told me to probe deeper, harder and faster.
Alien #1 - Hmmm, I see. Well anyways, lets get to work. We've only probed 1 million humans thus far, but we're getting close, I can taste it!
Alien #2 - On it, boss!
Alien #1 - Kaptardj, the LOWER orifice, you retard!
Alien #2 - *POP!*, sorry boss!

According to these abductees, one of the things that the aliens were trying to do was to make a human/alien cross breed. For some reason, the aliens told them once perfected, they were going to introduce them into the human population for some reason. They are described as tiny little things with huge, bulbous heads. You know what? I think they are here already! Have a look!

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The commandments of SpazoGod!

My very funny friend, Mental Poo, thought it would be a neat idea to come up with his own, personalized brand of the ten commandments. He only came up with five, before deferring to a higher authority, his wife.

But before he gave the reigns to his boss, he set out an offer to let us lowly peons pretend like we're god and come up with our own ten commandments. Since there is no Mrs. Spazoid to defer to, I'll be coming up with all TEN of my commandments myself! Some will be serious, and some will not be serious. If you can't tell which ones are serious and which ones aren't, then you need to pay attention to my first commandment:

1.Thou shalt recognize ones own stupidity!
That's right. Understand that most of today's population are gibbering retards. I attribute that half to herd mentality, and half to thinking yourselves utter geniuses. Guess what? You're not a braniac. Neither am I. Do you understand what a median is? An average? No? Then look it up. When you think you're smart, you don't bother to listen to anyone else's point of view because you're already convinced of your own superiority. True genius is few and far between, and so is true stupidity. So wake up, sit up straight, pay attention, keep an open mind, and weight things out in your head with ration and logic. Most importantly, you don't know everything. Remember that. Also remember that you can find out, or ask somebody else. Pretending you do know it all makes you STUPID!
2. Thou females have Boobies! Thou shalt show them off!
Ladies, your breasts are pretty and special. Don't hide them behind baggy sweaters! If you are younger than 40, you shall wear push up bra's and low cut tops. Your other option is to not wear shirts or bras at all. If you have ugly boobs, such as ones that hang around your knees from years of use and abuse, I shall use my magic god powers to tone and lift so you may show them off to your hearts content.

3.When thou sees and advanced green, thou shalt immediately push hard on the accelerator
Listen fucktards. In an advanced green light, four or five cars should be able to get through. Why is it that there's always a tard in front that doesn't notice for five seconds, then makes the turn like he's got a bomb strapped to the tank that'll go off if he exceeds my grandmothers walking pace? If you do NOT get on the frigging gas, SpazoGod will give you an case of herpes with a permanent flare up. Got it?

4.Thou Shalt not drive if you're over 70, or an oriental woman
I don't think I have to go into detail on this one. Suffice it to say, SpazoGod will also guarantee these people with a permanent herpes flare up.

5.Thou Shalt understand that ALL religions are moot.
I'm guessing me being god would render all religions moot. You know why? Because I'm GOD and I say so! Really though, there is just as much evidence for Jesus as there is for Zeus. So if you really want to believe in that stuff, fine, but you also have to remember everyone else is just as correct as you are. If you don't want to understand that, fine by me. I'll just give women testicles with perma ball itch and men permanent periods. I guarantee within a month of that constant agonizing torture, you'll smarten the fuck up. That'll also stop a lot of the bullshit violence started by the fundamentalist fanatical religious right, and put an end to much death and torture.

6. Thou shalt cease all religious evangelical missions.
See commandment number five. Remember, all religions are moot, meaning your religion is as correct as every other one. If you actively pursue converting people of other religions, that will be considered badgering and Spazogod will make you 300 lbs overweight with permanent foul body odour. You may accept people into your religion, but only if they seek you out. Meaning, you may make TASTEFUL advertisements. If Spazogod thinks your advertisements are distasteful, such as references to people of other religions going to hell, he'll make you eat the avert. Without any spices.

7. Thou shalt find all poo based humour funny as hell, and never tire of it.
Because Spazogod does.

8. Thy females shall talk to each other only ONE AT A TIME
Girls, you don't understand exactly how annoying you are when you chatter in groups. You are insulted when men cluck like chickens at you! You don't understand just WHAT that's all about! Well, I'm going to tell you. When men talk, one man go's, then shuts up and lets another man talk. This is called "sharing". When women talk, they talk ALL AT FUCKING ONCE. A man cannot then actually differentiate the sounds that are being made as language, and therefor his brain interprets it as chicken clucking. Moreover, it is very loud, grating and annoying. Think of being strapped to a jet airplane doing mach two, and you'll understand what this sounds like to men's ears. To that end, just four women talking sounds like a sold out Spinal Tap concert in the 80's. Women, if you do not take turns in conversing, Spazogod will switch your vagina's with your mouths. Try talking through your jeans! And won't meal time be fun time? Gives a whole new definition to blow job, doesn't it. Don't believe I'll do it? Try me.

9. Thou shalt make farting an Olympic competition.
See commandment seven, but with a twist. Any variation of competitiveness shall be allowed. Who has the stinkiest? Who has the loudest? Who can break glass? How far does the flame travel? ANYTHING GOES!

10. Thou shalt understand the big picture.
Rabid feminists, environmentalist, and your basic narrow sighted whack job WILL start seeing the big picture. You know, why it's bad if the pendulum is pulled too far one way, what equality actually means, and that everybody is capable of racism, stereotyping and persecution, not just white men between the ages of 18-47. The inability to see the big picture, and ignoring the big picture to increase your gross margins is what has and what is killing our species. It's also what's killing society and relationships, because it's one of the fuels that fires misunderstandings, ignorance and violence. So, for anybody that cannot see the big picture, Spazogod will increase your head to be the size of a Buick, with eyes the size of monster truck tires. Your body will remain the same size. I imagine most of the world will end up looking like this, and it will cause reform in no time flat! What's more, Spazogod will get many laughs from seeing your bodies flailing around trying to move your enormous heads. Oh. Your brain will stay the same size, in case you were wondering.

I hope you've enjoyed my little bit of self indulgence, with many thanks to mental poo.

-Spazogod out

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Things I notice.

Try this. Rent an all female porno (or grab one from your collection), close your eyes and listen to the noises being made. Remembering that noise, watch a female tennis match in a similar manner. Just listening, I have a very hard time telling the two apart.

I notice a very disturbing trend in floors getting more and more shiny and reflective, and women wearing skirts less often.

I notice that my farts don't really smell that bad, but everyone acts like they do.

Old people are always telling me to slow down. Funny thing, I'm usually not driving at the time.

Babies and puppies go out of their way to poo in an inconvenient spot at an inconvenient time. It's like they KNOW.

Cats go out of their way to make sure they are sleeping in the most inconvenient spots. When they do this, a Mac truck won't make them move. I notice that cats are jerks.

I notice the difference between cheap beer and expensive beer. Expensive beer is much better. Until I've had eight or nine expensive beers. Then I don't notice the difference between the two at all.

I notice women with mustaches. In my town, I can't help not to. They ALL have mustaches.

Think no one will notice that bit of spinach stuck to your teeth? Trust me, I notice.

Every once and a while I go to an all you can eat buffet. I notice all the extremely overweight people there. I notice that they eat four or five times what I eat. I notice that their plates are piled high with high fat fried foods without a single vegetable. I notice my plate, with visible separation between the foods. I notice that this is a buffet, meaning you can go up as many times as you want. I notice that these fat people don't understand that.

When I go to the gym, I notice the same overweight people leaning against a cardio machine, eating a high calorie weight lifter protein bar and complaining about their weight problem.

I notice people picking their nose in the car. Especially in traffic jams. I notice car windows are transparent. I wonder why no one else does?

I notice smokers smoking underneath a no smoking sign. Assholes.

I notice when politicians lie. I've noticed that politicians lie every time they open their mouth.

I notice the right wing fundamentalist christian right movement scream bloody murder about being persecuted. I notice the same group persecuting christians of slightly different beliefs, atheists, homosexuals, muslims, pagans and wiccans. I noticed myself laughing at the bullshit being oozed by this group of idiots.

I notice women noticing when I am shifting my junk around. I notice women don't understand what it's like having your junk hanging between your legs, and you can only resist so long when it needs adjusting. How long can women resist scratching itches? It's like that.

These are the things I notice.

Those Tricky Jehova's

It was a good friday, and I had the day off work. Sweet bliss, I get to finally sleep in! No setting the alarm clock the night before, no forcing yourself to sleep so you can get your six hour minimum, just go to bed and get up! Fantastic.

Of course, having gotten up at six a.m for the last decade, nobody told me that your body wants to get up at the same time it's used to getting up at. I managed to sleep in until eight a.m. Bloody hell.

I got up, put my stained track suit on, rubbed the sleep from my eyes, let the dog outside and went about my business. I was just putting coffee on, when I heard my dog start to bark like crazy from outside the front door. I respond sluggishly, preferring to finish getting the coffee on than to see what the hell my idiot terrier wanted to kill now. I make my way to the front door, open it, and nobody is there. I then hear my dog barking from the back yard, so I conclude that somebody was here and now they are trying the side door, so I trudge sleepily back to the kitchen.

I turn the corner, and what do I see standing outside the kitchen window? A girl. No. A goddess, about 25 years of age, perfect in every detail. Very pretty face, perfect hair, perfect body, the ass of an athlete and the boobs of an angel. Or what I imagine boobs would look like on an angel, if I thought angels were actually real. She was dressed in a perfectly pressed and coiffed female type business suit, and not a single thing was out of place.

I, just having woken up, looked like Corky's even more retarded little brother. It was too late to change, she had seen me, and waved.

Oh, well, too bad. I wondered what she wanted? And what a beautiful girl like that was doing visiting me on a holdiay morning. Being male, I had visions of a poorly plotted porn video, and I was becoming mentally prepared to be doing her in the shower, bedroom, kitchen table, and a variety of other places in five minutes time.

I opened the door, and was not greeted by her. No, it was more like her great great grandmother who was well past her prime. She looked something similar to this picture below:

The pretty girl just kind of stood there behind her rotten grandmother. I asked if I could help them, not doing much to hide the fact that I was looking past the wicked witch of the west and staring at the pretty young female a few feet from me.

Granny cranked open her jaw with an almost audible rusty hinge sound. I got a whiff of old fish, garlic and denture cream as she spoke.

"Can we speak to you about the lord and savoir, Jesus?" she said, with what looked like a smile from the orifice that was most likely her mouth.

Oh no. Not Jehova's Witness's! Those bastards. Tricky buggars too. If I had seen this senile old bag holding jesus paraphernalia first, I probably wouldn't have opened the door.

"No thanks," I said "I'm secular in my beliefs".

The old woman and the beautiful young girl both looked at me like I had just given them a lecture on quantum mechanics. Right. People that feel the need to go around to others houses pushing their bullshit religious beliefs aren't particularly smart to begin with.

"It means I'm not religious". As soon as I said that, I could see the lightbulb go off in their eyes. Fresh meat! I really shouldn't have told them that. Fuck, mistakes made when you're sleepy.

I heard the grind of bone on bone as the old woman opened her mouth again. She inched closer to me, and I recoiled from the smell of old rotten breath and from the prospect of getting an earful of bullshit, and probably spit on too.

Here is what I heard for the next two full minutes, without being able to get a word in edgewise.

Blah blah blah blah JESUS! Blah blah blah JESUS blah JESUS blah blah and the LORD blah blah JEHOVA, blah blah blah JESUS SAID blah blah JESUS JESUS JESUSITY JESUS BLAH BLAH JESUS BLAH!

Ok people. I don't care what god you pray to or how you go about it, as long as it doesn't hurt anybody. But I had been hurt here. Firstly, they tricked me into thinking I was going to get to hit on really hot girl that had come to MY house that was most likely interested in sex before marriage, and then they sprang the mummy returns at my side door. They did it first thing in the morning on one of my FEW fucking days off, and to top it all off, they were trying to proselytize me into a RELIGION! That's just disrespect there people, because I had already told them I was secular. Respect me, and I respect you.

Speaking of trying to be as respectful as possible, I mustered up all of the politeness I had left in me and finally managed to cut this old bag off from her Jesus babble.

"EXCUSE ME!" I said, loudly and abruptly. The old woman stopped spitting in my face.

"I'm STILL secular. Thank you. Please leave."

You know what happened then? They left. I guess we have some respectful Jehova's here in my little town, because they were damned pushy when I lived in the big city. Or perhaps there's just not enough Jehova Witness to regular person here, and they decided to move on. Get a few converts by volume I guess.

I have never heard from them again. Too bad, I had really hoped that the younger woman had come back by herself. After I have shaved and showered. So that I could convert her into some form of secularism, and baptize her in my bed.

Or just the baptism. That would have been just fine!

Bless this, father!

I'm not christian. I'm not muslim, I'm not a jew, I'm not religious in any way. I don't feel the need to commit my life to some sky faerie that no one's ever seen and worship in such a way that is so obviously man made.



I was listening to some Godsmack today and the song started off with a clip of a typical catholic phrase of "bless me father, for I have sinned."

That got me to thinking.

What would I say if I stepped into a catholic confessional?

Well now, lets do some exploring, shall we!



Don't bless me father, for I have not sneezed.

It's been forever since my last confessional. By forever I mean never, and that is not a sin.

I've had sex with a woman. That is not a sin.

I've had sex with more than one woman. That is not a sin.

I'm not married and I've had sex with more than one woman. That is not a sin.

I've worn a condom, and used other means of birth control. That is not a sin.

I've masturbated thousands of times and don't plan on stopping, ever. That is not a sin.

Yea, I've overeaten on occasion. I've also undereaten too. I have not sinned.

I've taken coffee at work without paying. I've overpaid at other times. I've not sinned.

I don't believe in your god, or any other, guess what? I've not sinned.

But let's not talk about me, father, let's talk about you. Specifically, your sins.

You condemn those who do not believe in the same god as you. That is a sin.

You encourage bigotry among your faith against others who are different. That is a sin.

You indoctrinate children into your unsubstatiated beliefs before they are old enough to have developed their own rational and congnitive abilities, forcing them to develope a strong congnative dissonance against reason. THAT IS A SIN.

You use fear mongering to get your believers to act a certain way. That is a sin.

You make people feel ashamed for playing out their own natural urges by having them suffer a penance in confessional. That is a sin.
You condemn people to a hell. How in the hell do you know what an all powerful deity, should he exist, want to do with people? An ancient book of middle eastern fairy tales?
You remain "chaste" and then cover up your sexual abuse of choir boys. THAT IS A SIN.

You see father, I have no sinned, but you are a sinner and are going straight to hell if there even is one. For your penance, you must apologize to everyone at once for your evil ways, and become an agnostic. For as an agnostic, you will finally have the open mind of the non sinner that you claim to be.

Oh, unless you've actually raped choir boys. Then you need to spend some time in a jail cell with a big gay black guy named bubba. That'll be good penance for you, boy!