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Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Completely Random

If nipples get bigger when it's cold, why the HELL does my penis do the opposite?

Further, when it's hot, why don't nipples go concave?

I'm not American, so maybe some of you can help me out. How the HELL does the republican party get so many votes? Texas isn't THAT big.

Why is a promiscuous woman a whore, while a promiscuous man just gets lucky a lot?

Why can my dog take neat clean poos with no or very few dingleberries, while every time I shit I need reams of TP so I don't skid mark my tighty whities? Clearly, dogs are the superior species.

Why can the office smokers crowd around doors, leaving a horrible and lasting stench in the lobby, but complain so violently when I crack one little fart?

Why do women who always wear low cut shirts get mad when you look at their cleavage?

Why do they call it Ovaltine? The can is ROUND. They should call it ROUNDTINE. HA HA HAHAHA HA HA HA HA HA! I fucking hate you, Jerry Sienfeld.

Who on gods green earth made Celine Dion popular? They should be shot. After her.

Rachel Ray and Dr. Phil should join Celine Dion on the Island, just before H-Bomb testing commences.

I can't wait until Katie Holmes baby grows up so we can all guess at who she most resembles. I'm putting $100.00 right now that it'll be ANYBODY but Tom Cruise.

You can light farts. What I don't understand, is why we aren't taking advantage of this? Seriously. There should be cars with a hole in the seat going to the gas tank, and our diets should consist of eggs, beans and all bran, and phasyme and beano should be outlawed. Energy crisis solved.

Pussy farts are SO much funnier than regular farts. No question.

Children annoy me. Fat children really annoy me. I don't know why. Maybe because they don't know what a truffle shuffle is when I ask them to do it?

Do you know why Al Gore wants all Americans to use less energy? It isn't to slow global warming. Its to leave enough energy to heat his giant swimming pool and 10,000 square foot mansion. What a fucking mook.

And on to Canadian Politics. Why is it that the Liberal party of Canada can ensure that over 50% of your gross income goes to taxes, get caught stealing money, ask to raise taxes to "better Canada" at the time of a federal election that the opposition called because of a non confidence vote, and people still vote them into official opposition with so many seats it isn't funny? It this anything like America and their Republicans?

Is it true what they say?

If I get stuck on a deserted Island with nothing on it, I hope its with a bunch of really fat people. That way, I can lash them together and make a raft to float to civilization with.

Why do Catholic church leaders have to wear silly hats? Don't they think they've done enough to hurt their credibility?

It's true what Confucius says. If I fart at the church, I do sit in my own pew.

Thank you for putting up with today's self indulgence.

19 keen observations:

Mike said...

So I guess my offer to trade you Al Gore for some fine Canadian beaver pelts is off the table, huh?

How about if I throw in George Bush and Hillary Clinton?

That deal has got to be hard to pass up.

Cyberpunk said...

I dunno about you, but I don't need reams of TP to clean myself off :P

hehe liked that part about the fat people. plus, you won't starve to death!

Anonymous said...

Mike Where do you come up with this shit? I mean I never think of stuff like that. And Don't talk about the fat people if I keep on sitting infront of my computer screen with cookies and candy bars along with ice cream I am going to be fat. Oh my I need to get a man or a life one! I may renounce my Single Card for a man or Girl.. Opps!! Just kidding.. Chat with ya later

billymac said...

Mike (the other Mike from above)... just give them away as a gift, please, nobody is going to trade anything for them, let alone something as valuable as beaver pelts.

tanninety said...

Muscles contract when cold. Ironically a stiffy is a result of relaxed muscles in the penis which then lets the blood flow into the veins giving one a hard on. This would explain morning wood because we relax when we have a good night sleep.

cold = contracted muscles = no blood flow = flaccid penis or scientifically called the limp d!ck.

I dedicate this comment to Celine Dion seeing how she has the same effect on men.

Jay Cam said...

lol that was funny but weird on so many levels!!! personally, i really didn't need to know some of those!

you never know, this post may attract a whole bunch of pervs.

Mike said...

@Mike - How about you give us al gore and we give you back a gore pelt?

Cyber - You're oriental. We Caucasians have something you don't - lots of body hair. I'm sure you didn't need to know that. Also, I don't eat fat people. That's a whole nuther topic.

Still Single - I wouldn't be jealous about my ability to think up this stuff. It comes from deranged minds.

Also, I can keep you busy so you don't eat so many sweets. Just let me know!

Billy - see my comment to mike above

Tan - Why does it not surprise me you know so much about penis? :P

Jay - Dood, this is how I roll. Sorry man.

moooooog35 said...

The cold makes your penis shrivel?

Wow...I should really check my body, according to that fact, I've been having chills ever since my pubescent years.

Yep. Blaming it on the cold.

Mike said...

moooog - so what you're saying, is you're not that old?

Casdok said...

Food for thought there. Or maybe not!!

Anonymous said...

I'm doing the truffle shuffle right now!!!

Anonymous said...

Now Spaz, 'fess up. You didn't come up with all of those by yourself.

Really, you shouldn't mislead your readers like that.

Why don't you tell us something interesting. Why not tell us about the lady who works at Nektles (spelling?)?

tanninety said...

Well Mike, a man needs to know how his tools work :P ..unless you are like the vaseline and duck tape kind of guy (..err ..must stop brain ..canceling innuendo) :D

tanninety said...


You need to youtube us your truffle shuffle. I will promise to abide by your disclaimer this time.

Mike said...

casdok - I don't know how much thought I put into that, really.

Mimzie - I bet it looks different on you than it did on the goonies kid!

Anonymous - I came up with ALL of those by myself. If someone came up with them before I did and I didn't hear about it, it's still original by me. Also, I bet this is S.

Tan - if mimzie takes video of her truffle shuffle, I promise to publish it!

Tequila Mockingbird said...

if my nips got concave with cold, id move my ass back to fla with the quickness.

and only stupid women get mad when you stare at their cleavage. that's the point of having it. i worked at hooters in college, this is something i know to be a fact.

Hungry Mother said...

Absolutely excellent! Do you really have a "Liberal Party" up there? It seems so fucking British.

Mike said...

Tequila - could you please tell all the angry cleavage chicks of the world how stupid they are? Thanks.

Hungry - yes, we have a bunch of parties. The main ones are the conservatives and the liberals, the New Democratic party who are the union bitches of the political world (they want to tax the shit out of the corporations and give people money not to work), the bloc quebeqois, who are are a federal separtist party. Oxymoron? I think so.

The liberals are just that - liberal, and incredibly corrupt. You wouldn't BELIEVE how corrupt these assholes are!

J.H. said...

I fucking hate you, Jerry Sienfeld

I CANNOT tolerate this kind of language! No one talks about Jerry like that... :-D