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Sunday, February 10, 2008

What smells worse than poo? FERMENTED poo!

Saturday I was stuck home all day waiting for a bed delivery. They promised to have it delivered between 1:00 and 3:00 PM, but if they were anything like waiting for the cable guy I knew that I had better be home the whole day. Being that I was stuck in the house the entire day, I decided it was a good time to do some work on the bathroom.

The floor needed replacing, and since I would be taking the toilet up to do that, I decided to replace the toilet that day as well. In order to do the floor, I had to scrape off the old floor, wash it down with a cleaning agent, prime it, then put down the new one. I diligently started scraping the old floor away. When I got close to the toilet, I took it up. Want to know what I found under the shitter? I bet you do! That's why I took pictures!

YUM-O! Notice all that white stuff half blocking the hole? Know what it is? I'll tell you. It's old, compacted, dirty ASS WIPE. I had SO much fun scooping that out with my bare hands! I had even more fun cleaning it off the floor when it crumbled into a million pieces and spread itself about.

I diligently went about removing the rest of the floor and removing the old wax sealer from around the shit hole. A few minutes of work, and I noticed something.
Something wasn't quite right. Not right at all. And then, I put my finger on it. It was a smell.

All sinks contain what's called a P-trap to hold water. All toilets always have water in them. There's a reason for this. Water is an extremely effective barrier against sewer gas. Sewer gas is the fermented by product of poo, and god knows whatever else is rotting down that stinking cesspool we lovingly refer to as a sewer. Everyone knows what poo smells like. Well, in comparison to fermented poo, poo smells like fresh roses.

I desperately looked around the room to find something, ANYTHING to cover my nose against the horrible, putrid smell of sewer gas. The only thing I could find was this:
I then thought better of shoving a sealing compound up my nose. After all, I was fairly certain I would need to be able to use it again.

Having another look around, I found a rag, so I stuffed it down the hole hoping to mask the smell, which looked like this:

Having had a look at that, and knowing that sewer gas is flammable, I was proud of the fact that I had managed to turn my entire house into one, giant, Molotov cocktail. This wasn't good, unless I found some rioters to throw at my house in some sort of bizarro violent protest.

Folks, let me tell you something. Rags aren't nearly as an effective barrier against sewer gas as water is by a long shot. Halfway through installing the new floor, I was beginning to feel v
ery dizzy, and woozy. I had to take frequent breaks in order not to puke or pass out, which really made the job go way longer than it should have. Lucky for me, the bathroom ventilation fan worked very well. Well, it worked well enough to keep the sewer gases escaping to the rest of my house, otherwise I probably would be cleaning up dog puke.

As I only have one bathroom in the house, I was without toilet for a long, long time. Many of you are asking if I have some sort of camel bladder. That's not the case. I did make myself a bachelor pee hole which worked quite well. Have a look!

Around midnight, I installed the new wax seal on my brand new toilet, and had it cinched down to the floor. Success! I took the flexible water connection off the old toilet and installed it on the new one. I then went to install the other end on to the water shut off valve, only to be horrified to find that it was too short. Not a lot short, only short by about 1/8th of an inch. That 1/8th of an inch was enough to not allow me to thread the other end in. Dejected, I wet some old towels and threw them in the toilet bowl, hoping that it would stop the sewer gases. Wet towels also do not work as effectively as water.

Worried that my house would fill with gases overnight, and either suffocate me or ignite as I turned in bed and created a teeny tiny electrostatic spark, sleep did not come easy. I awoke at 7 am and got dressed. I drove to the home depot, which wasn't open until 8. Fuck. I waited in my truck, dashed inside when they opened, got a longer water connection and dashed home. I hooked everything up, turned the water on, and waited for the inevitable leaks. None came. I was extatic! It may have been a rough day or night, but I actually installed it the right way, and the first time!

To end off this blog post, see the below picture. The next step is the trim, which will hide the shitty edges, and a vanity, and I think my little bathroom will start to shape up. And folks, take my advice. If you have to have the shitter off for an extended period of time, buy a gas mask eh?==========

If you liked the above, you might also like:

Farting Privates
My Dogs Bum
The meaning of life
Technoviking Translator

20 keen observations:

Anonymous said...

Great Job Mike!! I am glad you made it through the night, Did you worry about the Dog? What if he inhaled to much gas? OH well I want to see pics when you are done with it all!!!



Hungry Mother said...

Great story, but no pics. I get to do a lot of great poo stuff in the RV. I haven't had the geyser that occurred in the movie "RV", but I've had some fun.

Jillian said...

LOL... and ewww. It's only fun looking at crap the FIRST time, like if it's especially huge and you gotta share it with someone. Otherwise, I never want to see it again, let alone smell it. Gross.

I'm glad you got it hooked up and working right.

And lol @ linking to the urban dictionary. I hope they never catch you "ridin dirty"!

Jillian said...

Oh yeah... and where are the pics?

Jay Cam said...

none of the pics showed!

my life is not complete!!!

Mike said...


Sorry guys, I don't know what happened.

I'll repost this tonight when I get home so the pics show.

billymac said...

i can't wait to see your old dried up and used dung-wipes...

Anonymous said...

Mike, I got to see the pics. I guess I was a lucky person!! You posted them just for me to see.. See how are love is growing???LOL


Anonymous said...

Oh Now I want to pull my toilet up, wonder if the Super would mind? He has to pay someone to put it back down tho. hmmm I will go to my parents house and do the half bath, we need a new toilet there anyway!!! LOL!!

Mike said...

Wookie-Mac - I've only been in the house for two years. Those asswipes are from a generation of people before me even!

Mike said...

Single - if you really love me you'll come help me tap my sewer line to put in a bathroom in the basement.

Also, I imagine if you pull up your toilet in the apartment, it'll mean you'll have no toilet until you put it back again... properly.

I imagine you'll want to do that quickly. After all, I can pee standing up, but I imagine you'd have a bit more difficulty doing the same.

Jillian said...

*cough* Pics please...*cough*

Mike said...

Yea yea, they're coming, I won't be home for 4 or 5 hours yet.

Hold your horsies!

Anonymous said...

Mike, I can pee standing. I am a pro remember I am from the "Real Country" and I am a tomboy!! I would not get it back 2gether properly so I will not pull it up, but I have another full bath in my apartment! Woo hooo!

sewer line, nawwwwwwww not my cup of tea, or shall I say my glass of wine.
however That does not put my love for you on the back burner.. LOL!!!

Jillian said...

Finally! Pics!

Ewww. Gross.


moooooog35 said...

You really need to do a neater job of going poo.

Anonymous said...

Oh man! I stopped by and read this yesterday and while the post was entertaining, I'm glad I came back for the visual.

Mike said...

Single - Well that tears it. You and me will be writing our names in the snow!

Mooooog - there was no poo there. Just toilet paper. And old wax sealant. You hire people to do your plumbing, k?

Mimzie - I knew you'd like it.

Kerstin said...


One request: Maybe some sort of warning to those eating chicken soup while reading. It could save their keyboard. Just a suggestion.

Jay Cam said...

oh god the pics are showing now!!

i'm going to puke!