What smells worse than poo? FERMENTED poo!

Saturday I was stuck home all day waiting for a bed delivery. They promised to have it delivered between 1:00 and 3:00 PM, but if they were anything like waiting for the cable guy I knew that I had better be home the whole day. Being that I was stuck in the house the entire day, I decided it was a good time to do some work on the bathroom.

The floor needed replacing, and since I would be taking the toilet up to do that, I decided to replace the toilet that day as well. In order to do the floor, I had to scrape off the old floor, wash it down with a cleaning agent, prime it, then put down the new one. I diligently started scraping the old floor away. When I got close to the toilet, I took it up. Want to know what I found under the shitter? I bet you do! That's why I took pictures!

YUM-O! Notice all that white stuff half blocking the hole? Know what it is? I'll tell you. It's old, compacted, dirty ASS WIPE. I had SO much fun scooping that out with my bare hands! I had even more fun cleaning it off the floor when it crumbled into a million pieces and spread itself about.

I diligently went about removing the rest of the floor and removing the old wax sealer from around the shit hole. A few minutes of work, and I noticed something. Something wasn't quite right. Not right at all. And then, I put my finger on it. It was a smell.

All sinks contain what's called a P-trap to hold water. All toilets always have water in them. There's a reason for this. Water is an extremely effective barrier against sewer gas. Sewer gas is the fermented by product of poo, and god knows whatever else is rotting down that stinking cesspool we lovingly refer to as a sewer. Everyone knows what poo smells like. Well, in comparison to fermented poo, poo smells like fresh roses.

I desperately looked around the room to find something, ANYTHING to cover my nose against the horrible, putrid smell of sewer gas. The only thing I could find was this:
I then thought better of shoving a sealing compound up my nose. After all, I was fairly certain I would need to be able to use it again.

Having another look around, I found a rag, so I stuffed it down the hole hoping to mask the smell, which looked like this:

Having had a look at that, and knowing that sewer gas is flammable, I was proud of the fact that I had managed to turn my entire house into one, giant, Molotov cocktail. This wasn't good, unless I found some rioters to throw at my house in some sort of bizarro violent protest.

Folks, let me tell you something. Rags aren't nearly as an effective barrier against sewer gas as water is by a long shot. Halfway through installing the new floor, I was beginning to feel very dizzy, and woozy. I had to take frequent breaks in order not to puke or pass out, which really made the job go way longer than it should have. Lucky for me, the bathroom ventilation fan worked very well. Well, it worked well enough to keep the sewer gases escaping to the rest of my house, otherwise I probably would be cleaning up dog puke.

As I only have one bathroom in the house, I was without toilet for a long, long time. Many of you are asking if I have some sort of camel bladder. That's not the case. I did make myself a bachelor pee hole which worked quite well. Have a look!

Around midnight, I installed the new wax seal on my brand new toilet, and had it cinched down to the floor. Success! I took the flexible water connection off the old toilet and installed it on the new one. I then went to install the other end on to the water shut off valve, only to be horrified to find that it was too short. Not a lot short, only short by about 1/8th of an inch. That 1/8th of an inch was enough to not allow me to thread the other end in. Dejected, I wet some old towels and threw them in the toilet bowl, hoping that it would stop the sewer gases. Wet towels also do not work as effectively as water.

Worried that my house would fill with gases overnight, and either suffocate me or ignite as I turned in bed and created a teeny tiny electrostatic spark, sleep did not come easy. I awoke at 7 am and got dressed. I drove to the home depot, which wasn't open until 8. Fuck. I waited in my truck, dashed inside when they opened, got a longer water connection and dashed home. I hooked everything up, turned the water on, and waited for the inevitable leaks. None came. I was extatic! It may have been a rough day or night, but I actually installed it the right way, and the first time!

To end off this blog post, see the below picture. The next step is the trim, which will hide the shitty edges, and a vanity, and I think my little bathroom will start to shape up. And folks, take my advice. If you have to have the shitter off for an extended period of time, buy a gas mask eh?==========

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