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Tuesday, February 12, 2008

The commandments of SpazoGod!

My very funny friend, Mental Poo, thought it would be a neat idea to come up with his own, personalized brand of the ten commandments. He only came up with five, before deferring to a higher authority, his wife.

But before he gave the reigns to his boss, he set out an offer to let us lowly peons pretend like we're god and come up with our own ten commandments. Since there is no Mrs. Spazoid to defer to, I'll be coming up with all TEN of my commandments myself! Some will be serious, and some will not be serious. If you can't tell which ones are serious and which ones aren't, then you need to pay attention to my first commandment:

1.Thou shalt recognize ones own stupidity!
That's right. Understand that most of today's population are gibbering retards. I attribute that half to herd mentality, and half to thinking yourselves utter geniuses. Guess what? You're not a braniac. Neither am I. Do you understand what a median is? An average? No? Then look it up. When you think you're smart, you don't bother to listen to anyone else's point of view because you're already convinced of your own superiority. True genius is few and far between, and so is true stupidity. So wake up, sit up straight, pay attention, keep an open mind, and weight things out in your head with ration and logic. Most importantly, you don't know everything. Remember that. Also remember that you can find out, or ask somebody else. Pretending you do know it all makes you STUPID!
2. Thou females have Boobies! Thou shalt show them off!
Ladies, your breasts are pretty and special. Don't hide them behind baggy sweaters! If you are younger than 40, you shall wear push up bra's and low cut tops. Your other option is to not wear shirts or bras at all. If you have ugly boobs, such as ones that hang around your knees from years of use and abuse, I shall use my magic god powers to tone and lift so you may show them off to your hearts content.

3.When thou sees and advanced green, thou shalt immediately push hard on the accelerator
Listen fucktards. In an advanced green light, four or five cars should be able to get through. Why is it that there's always a tard in front that doesn't notice for five seconds, then makes the turn like he's got a bomb strapped to the tank that'll go off if he exceeds my grandmothers walking pace? If you do NOT get on the frigging gas, SpazoGod will give you an case of herpes with a permanent flare up. Got it?

4.Thou Shalt not drive if you're over 70, or an oriental woman
I don't think I have to go into detail on this one. Suffice it to say, SpazoGod will also guarantee these people with a permanent herpes flare up.

5.Thou Shalt understand that ALL religions are moot.
I'm guessing me being god would render all religions moot. You know why? Because I'm GOD and I say so! Really though, there is just as much evidence for Jesus as there is for Zeus. So if you really want to believe in that stuff, fine, but you also have to remember everyone else is just as correct as you are. If you don't want to understand that, fine by me. I'll just give women testicles with perma ball itch and men permanent periods. I guarantee within a month of that constant agonizing torture, you'll smarten the fuck up. That'll also stop a lot of the bullshit violence started by the fundamentalist fanatical religious right, and put an end to much death and torture.

6. Thou shalt cease all religious evangelical missions.
See commandment number five. Remember, all religions are moot, meaning your religion is as correct as every other one. If you actively pursue converting people of other religions, that will be considered badgering and Spazogod will make you 300 lbs overweight with permanent foul body odour. You may accept people into your religion, but only if they seek you out. Meaning, you may make TASTEFUL advertisements. If Spazogod thinks your advertisements are distasteful, such as references to people of other religions going to hell, he'll make you eat the avert. Without any spices.

7. Thou shalt find all poo based humour funny as hell, and never tire of it.
Because Spazogod does.

8. Thy females shall talk to each other only ONE AT A TIME
Girls, you don't understand exactly how annoying you are when you chatter in groups. You are insulted when men cluck like chickens at you! You don't understand just WHAT that's all about! Well, I'm going to tell you. When men talk, one man go's, then shuts up and lets another man talk. This is called "sharing". When women talk, they talk ALL AT FUCKING ONCE. A man cannot then actually differentiate the sounds that are being made as language, and therefor his brain interprets it as chicken clucking. Moreover, it is very loud, grating and annoying. Think of being strapped to a jet airplane doing mach two, and you'll understand what this sounds like to men's ears. To that end, just four women talking sounds like a sold out Spinal Tap concert in the 80's. Women, if you do not take turns in conversing, Spazogod will switch your vagina's with your mouths. Try talking through your jeans! And won't meal time be fun time? Gives a whole new definition to blow job, doesn't it. Don't believe I'll do it? Try me.

9. Thou shalt make farting an Olympic competition.
See commandment seven, but with a twist. Any variation of competitiveness shall be allowed. Who has the stinkiest? Who has the loudest? Who can break glass? How far does the flame travel? ANYTHING GOES!

10. Thou shalt understand the big picture.
Rabid feminists, environmentalist, and your basic narrow sighted whack job WILL start seeing the big picture. You know, why it's bad if the pendulum is pulled too far one way, what equality actually means, and that everybody is capable of racism, stereotyping and persecution, not just white men between the ages of 18-47. The inability to see the big picture, and ignoring the big picture to increase your gross margins is what has and what is killing our species. It's also what's killing society and relationships, because it's one of the fuels that fires misunderstandings, ignorance and violence. So, for anybody that cannot see the big picture, Spazogod will increase your head to be the size of a Buick, with eyes the size of monster truck tires. Your body will remain the same size. I imagine most of the world will end up looking like this, and it will cause reform in no time flat! What's more, Spazogod will get many laughs from seeing your bodies flailing around trying to move your enormous heads. Oh. Your brain will stay the same size, in case you were wondering.

I hope you've enjoyed my little bit of self indulgence, with many thanks to mental poo.

-Spazogod out


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16 keen observations:

Drowsey Monkey said...

lol...funny. I really like #1...that's a good commandment! And I like the word 'moot'. It's a good word.

The boobies commandment...I dunno dude.

Jillian said...

LOL. Awesome.

@ #8: You'll of course cancel "The View" and those ladies will as a result will burn in Hell, right?

Seriously... it needs to happen.

Agreed with everything else. If I didn't already have a God, I would certainly consider you!!!!

moooooog35 said...

Let me know when you do the mouth-vagina replacement thing.

I want to be the first one to take a test drive.

Mike said...

Drowsey - the boobies thing is probably why I'm not god. Funny, the women of Ontario DEMANDED they be allowed to walk around bare chested. When the law was passed, nobody did it. Idiots.

Jillian - I've never seen the view, but it sounds like they're going to get their mouths and vagina's switched.

Moooog - I'll send you to the set of the view.

Anonymous said...

I had hope to one day grow up to be the ruler of the universe so you being god might pose a problem for me. However, I do agree with ALL of your commandments so perhaps we could work out some sort of ruling schedule. you know, like, I get monday, wednesday, friday and you can have the rest of the days? just an idea.

Hungry Mother said...

Please sir, can you make an exception to the "over 70" for driving? I'll need it in a bit over a couple of years. You don't want to kick this ex-taxi driver off the roads.

Anonymous said...

Mike, I LOVE #1 (hey, I am mostly right all the time)
#2 gotta keep'em guessing right? Not like a old maid, mine are perky, when I have on my Oprah Bra!
#3 I feel ya as well as #4
#5&6 I feel that no one should ever force any kind of religion on anyone. That is why I don't bring mine up unless asked a question about it, or celebrating a Jewish Holiday!
#7 I do, I do
#8 Guess what? we like making yalls asses nervous! most of the time we are just laughing and talking about silly things just to make yall sweat! HAHAHAHA!!
#9 ummm If You say so!
#10 I see the BIG PICTURE!! Dont turn me into anything!

Mike I loved this blog!! I really did!

Mike said...

Mimzie - You can be my Jebus.

Hungry - As long as you drive at least the speed limit, look behind you when you back up and look before lane changing, your wish is granted.

Single - Thank you for the compliment. I shall enjoy seeing you in your Oprah bra, as Spazogod Commands.

Kerstin said...

Consider me a convert. Mostly because of commandment #1, but they're all valid and completely brilliant.

Jay Cam said...

haha that was great!

how did you make that "if you like this post" thing? is there a specific code or did you do it manually?

Mike said...

Thank you Kerstin. Would you think your god would come up with anything else? :P

Jay - That was manual. If you find something that does it automatically, let me know eh?

Casdok said...

Very funny and clever!!! :)

Tequila Mockingbird said...

goddamn right boobs are pretty and special. well, not all boobs. i was at the gym last week and i saw this old fat woman, with boobs that looked like a sack full of smashed assholes. it was bad.

now i have a "career", but i think i made way more money when i worked at hooters in college.

Mike said...

Thank you casdok, you have earned favour with Spazogod.

Tequila - I have no idea what smashed assholes look like. I don't think I want to know.

And... sex sells, and you seem to be especially good at that, so I wouldn't doubt your hooters career earned you some pretty coin!

billymac said...

wow, imagine the possibilities if the vag and the mouth was reversed... i'll be thinking about that one for weeks.

Anonymous said...

Happy V-Day Mike!!!I'll add it onto this post since you don't have a V-day Post!!!!