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Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Happy 2008 Resolutions

Happy 2008 everybody. I hope everyone had a good new years eve, and is ready to tackle 2008 with a fresh attitude and a good start.

I myself have made a few new years resolutions. I want to try improve myself in 2008, and learn from mistakes made in 2007 and before. You must learn from the past and improve yourself, right?

I resolve to be nicer in 2008. I will stop flinging the backyard dog poo over the fence into the neighbors yard. In brown paper bags. Lit on fire. I just cannot promise the same for my own feces, however.

Kittens will no longer be the object of my football punting practices. Neither will I encourage my dog to eat them. Without a bib that is, they can be messy. Also, I will not breed them explicitly for the purposes of sale to the local Chinese food restaurant. I will encompass a broader territory and include out of town restaurants too.

I will treat children like human beings. Further to this, the children working in my Gucci wallet knock off sweat shop will be paid like regular humans. They will get 10 cents an hour, and I will extend their sleep time from 4 hours to 5.

Hating is not a good thing, I've been told. So, I'll do my best to hate everyone, equally.

I WILL stop peeing on homeless people. When they are awake.

I have given up all my dominatrix paraphernalia, including the razor blade embedded whips. I will also limit the purchase of barely legal oriental hookers to 3 a night, as it's cutting into my other hobbies. Like peeing on sleeping homeless people.

I will stop meddling in the affairs of celebrities for fun. Do you really think Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston broke up of their own accord?

When the Jehova's Witness's come calling, I will no longer invite them in. I will also stop pretending to be a satanist when they come calling, and have removed the pentagram from my living room floor. I have also gotten rid of the goat carcasses, they are currently smoldering in a brown paper bag in my neighbors back lawn.

If someone comes around asking for charity donations, I will no longer tell them I gave at the office. That's lying. I'll tell them I don't want to give to the heart and stroke foundation, because I want more people to have strokes and heart attacks. After all, when I'm at the old folks home, hiding around corners just to jump out and yell BOO! it makes it way more entertaining when they go into cardiac arrest.

I will stop running over children's bikes and trikes. That's hard on the tires. Well, theirs too, but who cares about that?

With all of these resolutions, I hope that 2008 will be my best year yet, and I hope to make more personal improvements than ever before. What are some of your New Years resolutions?

Disclaimer: If you think that any of the above is true, you're a dummy, it's not, and don't sue me.

12 keen observations:

Jay Cam said...

lol if i were you i would try to go to therapy more often!!
: )
happy 2008

the dog poo in bag idea is pretty good though. keep it!

blogtommy said...

Hilarious stuff!

Good luck!


Anonymous said...

You are so weird!!!


Your Sister

DrowseyMonkey said...

I believe it all...except I really don't believe you can give up that dominatrix stuff.

billymac said...

go spaz go...

you forgot the one about not stabbing priests with ice-picks, but a mostly complete list.

moooooog35 said...

Never stop peeing on homeless people.

What other motivation do they have?

If it was me on the street, the prospect of not being covered in urine would be just the ticket to get my ass up off the sidewalk, and go for the gold of becoming "Fry Guy" at the local Mickey D's.

You may want to reverse that resolution, and change it to:

"I resolve to add "poo" to my homeless person bodily function repertoire."

Anonymous said...

Hating is not a good thing, I've been told. So, I'll do my best to hate everyone, equally.

This is a tough one but I'm going to try it too. Maybe we should start a support group?

Intergalactic Hussy said...

For me, not to date anything with 2007.

Happy 2008! :)

Mike said...

Jay - My therapist fired me. Go figgure.

Blogtommy - Thanks! And umm, luck for what?

Anonymous - amazing how we share parents, and DNA, huh?

drowsey - you can believe what you want, just don't sue ;)

Billy - they say that when you drink, you uncover repressed childhood memories of abuse by a clergy member. That's why that's not in there, I don't want to give it up.

Mike said...

moooooog - I never poo in a place where I don't have anything that's CLEANER than my bum to wipe with.

Mike said...

Mimzie - you're the first member of our hate support group, congrats!

Hussy - thanks for stopping by. Happy 2008 to you too!

Not to date anything with 2007.... what? 2007 cats, dollars, cars, goiters??

Cyberpunk said...

finally! an equal-opportunity hater!