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Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Poo Coffee

As my loyal and regular reader(s?) know, I recently had a birthday and turned old. Part of any decent birthday is birthday gifts, and this one was no exception. I'm not a particularly needy guy, and I always ask for no gifts. Also, I'm an ass and I don't deserve it. Regardless, every time, I get nice gifts. I think next year I'm going to ask everyone to pitch in and get me a Ferrari, so no one actually bothers getting me anything.

One gift stood out among the rest. My mom's crazy fun friend "S", has an awesome sense of humour, way down low in the gutter, somewhere where mine hangs out. Well, not as low as mine, but she is a 48 year old mom of two. Anyways, we often trade dirty off colour jokes that makes my mom blush and my dog cover her ears. She got me the best gift I've gotten.

Poo coffee.

Seriously. I opened the gift bag, and there was a coffee grinder. SWEET! I love coffee, and now I can buy the good stuff an
d grind my own. Thanks S! But no, it wasn't over yet. There was still something else in the bag.

It was a bag of whole coffee beans. Cool, cool, she gave me coffee beans to grind up in the grinder. Sweet, right on. But these beans were not Nabob, or After Eight, or anything like that. It was called Luwak Coffee.

Luwak Coffee is something known as animal coffee. Basically, you get an animal to eat coffee beans, then you sort through
their poop, wash them off, and sell them to dumbass rich people for $1000.00 a kilogram. This particular animal is called a civet, some sort of weird Indonesian cat. They claim the coffee tastes better, less bitter, the digestive juices take out the bitter or some such.

So, me being the guy that I am, try it. Just for comparison, see below the picture of coffee beans on the top and cat poo coffee beans on the bottom, and note the difference:

Can you see the difference? I can't.

So, I put the cat poo coffee beans into the grinder, ground them up, put them in my coffee maker, and plugged it in. The first thing I noticed was the aroma of coffee mixed with poo. I just love it when my house smells like poo! At the very least, it makes it easy to dump someone. After smelling your poo house, she'll actually dump you. It's done, and SHE looks like the ass, allowing you to date her friends if you wish, but I digress.

I poured myself a cup and took a sip. Yes, there was a coffee taste in there. But there was a much stronger, over powering taste that went along with it. Can you guess what that taste might be?

At a grand a kilo, this is the stuff of rich people. Interesting isn't it. Who else would pay the average man's monthly take home pay for coffee that tastes like poo and consider it a delicacy? Rich people are just grasping at more and more straws to fake superiority, aren't they?

S, THANK YOU. That was the best laugh I've had all year! I'm sorry that I probably won't be drinking any more of that coffee. Well, maybe next time I'm at your place I'll do the brewing. In the meantime, I'm off to purchase some poor man's coffee beans that haven't been digested by an Indian cat first.

21 keen observations:

tanninety said...

Wow, who would have thought, "this coffee tastes like cat sh!t" would actually be a compliment.

Mike, if we ever meet, we're just getting beer ..and that which is not pre-processed through a stripper's kidneys.

Mike said...

I thought american beer was canadian beer processed through stripper kidneys?

Sure tastes like it ;)

tanninety said...

I'll have to take your word on it 'coz I've never tasted stripper kidney juice to be able to compare it ;) tsk tsk

Anonymous said...

Oh shit!



Your Sister
(who's known about the poo coffee for a while)

Mike said...


I'll chalk it up to the phrase "tastes like shit".

Sister, Thank you for keeping silent about the poo coffee, it would have ruined the surprise

clairec23 said...

Poo coffee...interesting. More gross than interesting but whatever. If I'm ever passing by, don't invite me in for coffee, starbucks will do ;)

That was the perfect gift, I seriously need to rethink my christmas gifts for people this year. Why get something they need when they can have coffee laced with poo...or is that poo laced with coffee?

Anyway, nice blog, told ya I had excellent taste ;)

DrowseyMonkey said...

MMMmmm...Poooo Coffee

Mike said...


Being Irish, you don't know this about white bred Canada, but we don't have starbucks. We have Tim Hortons. There are so many Tim Hortons, that there are two locations in my city where there is a Tim Horons across the street from Tim Hortons. So instead of coming to my house for poo coffee, I'll take you to Timmie's for crap coffee.

Thanks for stopping by, and just a tip: Instead of buying it from an indonesia cats ass, just find a cat , feed it beans and sift through the poo. You'll save yourself thousands!

Drowsey: You don't get timmies, you get poo coffee :P

moooooog35 said...


I was just about to send you your Christmas present, too. I wish I'd known you didn't eat post-scat foods.

Your loss....

You should taste the peanut butter you can make from it.


Mike said...

Post scat foods?

Fuck moooog, there's a market.

We'll open up a website in Japanese and make a KILLING!

What do you say bro, you ready to put your poo to work?

Elise said...

I guess I'll be avoiding coffee at your place! xx

Anonymous said...

I just shit my burger from dinner last night. Shall I wrap it up and send it to you? Just let me know where to send it. Damn, I'm such a giver!

Mike said...

Elise - you can come with me and Claire to Timmies for crap coffee.

Mimzie - How do I know that the entirety of that poo is from your burger, and not bits from previous meals? Does your poo come with a certificate of authenticity like the animal poo does?

meleah rebeccah said...

ha ha ha ha

moooooog35 said...

Is anyone else thinking:

Mmmmm...Mimzie Poo-Burger.

..or is it just me?

Mike said...

That's exactly what I was thinking, Moooooooog, which is why I'm asking for a cirtificate of authenticity.

What if the pizza she had for lunch got in there? Or the eggs she had for breakfast?

We want authentic mimzie burger poo or NOTHING!

Hungry Mother said...

Tim Hortons rock.

billymac said...

Poo coffee goes well with snotty cake and semen creamer... if you're going to be a bear, be a grizzly.

Mike said...

Hungry, You get timmies on me if you're up here.

Billy - Or a wookie, in your case?

Cyberpunk said...

i've heard about this coffee but haven't tried it.

actually, i am not curious in any way about it :D

fuck delicacy! what's with people selling expensive crappy stuffs (literally) and people eating crappy stuffs just to feel elite?

Mike said...

That's just it cyber, it's all BULLSHIT!!!