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Thursday, February 14, 2008

Bathroom Etiquette

Etiquette is a human condition caused by societal morals. There are proper etiquettes that are universal among humans, such as respecting someones space, and there are local etiquettes, such as which hand to take change with.

Today, I'd like to talk about bathroom etiquette.

In the Men's Room

Hopefully, the ladies will learn something valuable, and those pushy, immoral men will too. For the ladies, men's room have these things called urinals. It's kind of like a porcelain shelf in the wall that men pee into. Think of a vase with a drain, right?

Proper etiquette means that as men, you must choose the correct urinal. If there are three urinals and all are empty, you must choose one to the extreme left, or extreme right, whichever one is closest to the door. If you choose the one farthest away from the door, that might mean that you enjoy being in a room with naked penis's expelling waste, which no man wants on his conscience.

Also, you can NOT take one in the middle. This will force another man who is coming into the bathroom to take a urinal right beside you. This is considered gay. Even if you are gay, it's in poor taste. Even if he is also gay, he might have a lover. See how this works?

For those going into the bathroom, never, ever take a urinal beside one thats occupied if you can possibly help it. If there are five urinals and urinals #2 and #4 are empty, use a stall. You may ONLY use a urinal directly beside an occupied urinal if all the stalls are taken as well. This is not considered gay, because you have no other choice in the matter.

Using more than a nod or a grunt to awknoledge another urinal users presence will be considered gay. The only exception to this is if you know the guy, but you still can't look at him. Look straight ahead, at the wall, at all times. If you try to look anywhere else, it'll be considered trying to look at a naked man wiggly and that's just gay.

In the Ladies Room

Honestly, I don't have a frigging clue what kind of etiquette goes on in a ladies room
. I do know that ladies never go alone. They go with their friend, or in herds. If men did that, that would be considered gay and in bad taste. Anything that might make a man be considered gay in bad taste. It's not correct, it's not rational, but that's what makes men, men. I digress.

I imagine that women cannot go pee alone in a public rest room because it takes more than one woman to perform the necessary bodily function. I can very easily imagine women being germaphobes and not wanting to touch the toilet bowl with any part of their anatomy. That's fair enough, I guess. How do I think this is done, you ask? I'll tell you.

It takes three woman to perform this task. The woman needing to use the toilet attaches strings to her skirt. She then throws them over the side of the stall, where the skirt lifter is waiting. The skirt lifter tugs on the strings, exposing the womans buttocks and poon tang so she doesn't get anything wet. Then, she extends her arms and her friend, the spotter, takes hold. They go toe to toe, and the spotter slowly lowers the girl so that her bum is just hovering over the toilet, but not touching it. The woman does her business, the spotter lifts her up, and the skirt lifter lowers the skirt. This process is repeated until all women have evacuated themselves.

This also explains why it takes women so damned long to use the restroom.


You might be saying, "but spazoid, there is no other restrooms other than ladies and mens!" You'd be right in telling me that. But in todays society of loosely defined genders, there should be.

Take transvestites for example. There are many different kinds. Pre-Op, Post-Op, men that are almost ladies, and yes, ladies that are almost men. What room should they use, and what sort of etiquette should apply?

Spazoid is normally a rather tolerant man, so he will say this: If you have a penis, but you look like a lady, use a bush outside you freak.

You ladies can deal with the rest of them. Or until you explain to me the rules of ladies bathroom etiquette.

If you liked the above, you might also like:

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20 keen observations:

Jay Cam said...

is peeing on the floor on purpose considered weird?

so many question are unanswered!
: )

Anonymous said...

Okay, Mike you need to stick to the mens room! LOL! We have to go in packs to talk about MEN! HELLO!!!!!

We stand and hover over the Toilet! to make sure we do not touch anything in there! LOL!!

Where do you come up with these things! I am glad I am in the right field of study, as long as there is a spazoid out there I have a job!

Jay, Ummm You need help, Come lay on my couch also!

Dr. Single!

Jillian said...

LOL... so THAT'S what women do in the bathroom! But why would I want another lady to lower me on the pot and see my most private of places? That's not gay? Or is it hot because it's two girls... I can dig that, by the way.

When it comes to the mens' room, I think you have something... don't know to many guys (straight ones, at least) that would disagree!!

Love the first

moooooog35 said...

No talking.


Grunts aren't even okay...unless you're LEAVING the men's room (pants zipped, hands washed).

I'm there to drop the Cosby kids off at the pool...not discuss politics.

Let me poo in peace...this requires deft concentration.

Hungry Mother said...

I hope that in future updates you'll cover the proper way for a guy to pee in a sink. It's confusing to me whether it's OK to pee over dirty dishes in the kitchen. I mean, they are "dirty" dishes, right?

Mike said...

Jay - Only if you're sober.

Single - I'll lay on your couch, but only if it's just you and me. I like Jay and all, you know, but it can only go so far.

jillian - I don't know, you tell me? You're a girl, all that was just conjecture.

mooog - 100% agreed dood.

hungry - I promise I'll cover that - you are right by the way.

Anonymous said...

Wow, Mike, this was great!

Your descriptions of how women use the toilet had me in fits. For the record, that's not how it works.

Didn't you pee down the drain in a bathroom at grade school once?

On a more serious note: The word transvestite is typically not used for someone who is going to change hir gender through hormones and surgery.

I think more people men should be peeing on bushes anyway. Apparently, it's good for the bushes.

You should check out a blog called "Little Blog in The Big Woods". A couple of months back, The blogger wrote a post on his compost toilet and the act of evacuation out in the country. I thought that "Mike" would find it interesting and Spaz would find it funny. Any article with the word "poopsicle" in it would appeal to Spaz, I think.


Your Sister

Jillian said...

Mike - LOL... tell you? Tsk tsk, you should already know :-D

Nicole said...

AS far as I'm concerned and what I've observed, in the Middle East and Asia is no such thing as private space.
And everything and anything can be used as a toilet.

Plus, I dislike going in womens bathrooms with many girls. Do you really think it's great when other girls listen to your peeing?


But then again, I'm not a typical girl (nope, I'm not a changed to girl man,...).
In Germany, in our rural area on the big weekend parties, when there were bazillion of girls waiting for hours in front of the bathroom and noone was in the mens room, because they used the trees, I always went straight in there, back out in the shortest time and back to the Party ;)

Call me weird ;)

Anonymous said...

I'm with Moog. I need concentration. Silence. And understanding - understanding that it might take a little while and that it might not smell like roses afterwards. Oh, who am I kidding? Of COURSE my shit smells like roses!

Anonymous said...

Women's washroom behaviour is, from a man's perspective, appalling. For one, they make more of a mess than a man, in terms of public washrooms.

Women can actually go wee-wee on their own. The reason they hit the head in groups is NOT to go wee-wee. They go in groups so they can discuss the men they are with without having the men hear them. They don't actually use the toilet. They just talk and maybe, powder their nose. Trust me. I've spent enough time in the ladies' room to know what goes on in there.

On the issue of the men's room, it takes two to piss: one to hold the hose and the other to pump.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious! I use to toilet bowl instead of the urinals in public bathrooms. Not that I can't use a urinal, I don't use it for it's openness!

Mike said...

Sister - How the hell do you remember this shit?

Jillian - Trust me, I have a penis, and I'm not pervert hanging around in womens rooms.

Nicole - I heard that in Pakistan, they poo right on the street and wipe themselves with rocks. Does that happen in the middle east too?

Mimzie - Do you take those pills that make shits smell like fresh baked cinnamon buns?

What I got - NOT! Not proper mens room etiquette! You shake it off yourself... and no more than three otherwise it's considered masturbation.

Joel - nobody is going to look at your wiggly dood. Relax!

Kerstin said...

First, I should have stopped reading at the beginning when I thought this "Etiquette is a human condition caused by societal morals." said "Etiquette is a human condition caused by societal morons."

But, since I did read through this, I will wholeheartedly agree with there being an "other" restroom option. I once took care of "Diane" who used to be "James" but in the middle of his operation discovered he had a brain aneurysm. So needless to say when I helped "Diane" shower on my first day with her/him, I was in for quite a shock. Boobs AND a cock. There should be a warning lable on their forehead or something.

Really, it explains a lot about what's wrong with me today.

just me said...

We go in herds because bathrooms are the PERFECT places to talk about dudes...without the dudes hearing!

Jay Cam said...

sup mike.. remember that automatic "post you'll like" thing?

i found one!


It's pretty easy to use too

Jay Cam said...


LAst link didn't work..

Anonymous said...

(This is on behalf of Nicole's reply!)
About The Pakistan's way of peeing, probably the Pakistani's in the middle-east do it but I'm not sure about native Arabs.


Drowsey Monkey said...

lol @ urinal etiquette...I never knew but it makes sense!

As for the gals going to the can's to talk. We don't pee together, we talk and fix our hair, stand at the mirror, adjust the makeup....all that stuff. Peeing is a solitary function.

jAMiE said...

Life is just too complicated for my liking...