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Friday, October 12, 2007

Fatty Fatty Too Fats

Anybody who thinks they've seen fat people need to visit an all you can eat buffet in small town white bred North America. I live in such a town, and see obesity on a regular basis just going around town. Hey, I'm not talking somebody who's pants are one or two sizes bigger than they should be, I'm talking boobs on men, women with ass's on the back and the front, multiple chins and layers of jiggling rolls.

Recently, a restaurant called King's buffet opened in my little city. It's a Chinese restaurant, and I wanted to try it out. So did my dad, as it's a
tradition between me and him to try out any and all new places that open where we live. So off we went one sunny winter afternoon. We arrived to a full parking lot and a full restaurant, and were seated beside a very large man who looked to be in his mid to late 50's, eating by himself. My father and I are not ones to take full advantage of an all you can buffet, we like sampling some of the better things. The guy beside us definately did not share our sentiment, judging from the empty plates piled besides him and the food overflowing on the one in front of him. By the time we finished our salads, this man had finished his 2,000 calorie plus plate and was up for more. As he pushed his plate aside, some repetitive movement caught my eye. This man could not get up from a sitting position under his own steam. He needed momentum. He rocked back and forth, back and forth, faster and faster and faster until he was able to launch himself forward, and with heavy hands on the table hoist himself up. My old man motioned for me to look but I had already seen. We both held in our laughter until he had cleared the desert bar.

Shortly thereafter we noticed a woman so large, that her head was the size of a grapefruit relative to the rest of her body.

At the buffet, I saw a rolly polly wonder of a man drop a chicken wing on the floor, after it rolled off of his mounded plate of deep fried foods. I guess he followed the five second rule, because with great effort, he bent over to retrieve his lost morsel.

Sound like 'you shouldn't be at the all you can eat buffet' stories? These people need to get a clue! If your waist size is double your inseam, don't go to the buffet! If you have to have double doors installed in your house to get in and out, don't' go to the buffet! If you break a sweat getting out of the bed and walking over to the couch, the buffet is NOT the place for you! If your chin(s) are wider than your forehead, time to cut back, fatty!

Why is it that people can't recognize the fact that they are fat, and it is THEIR OWN FAULT! Except for the very few people that have actual medical problems for being fat, it is a simple matter of thermodynamics. If the energy in is greater than the energy out, you're going to be storing the energy, it's that simple. With that in mind, I'd like to list some of the stupid excuses people have for being able to roll without pulling in their arms and legs.

It's Genetic! My mom and dad are fat, so am I! Hello, thermodynamics, anyone?
I don't have time to exercise! Hey, try eating to match your energy output, fatty?
I go to the gym 3 times a week and I'm still fat! I've seen you leaning against the stair stepper and chatting, rather then exercising. Try breaking a sweat.
I just don't have time to cook, I order in. It's really not that hard, but if you order in all the time, try some curries and salads, instead of pizza and burgers. DUH!
It's my thyroid! Oh really? Oh, you haven't seen a doctor, you're making another excuse. Gotcha.
I'm hungry all the time! Yea, I know, I've seen you wolfing down high fat high sugar foods. Try eating GOOD food at a normal pace, you might find you'll fill up and stay full.

One of the funniest things I've seen is people who have those electric scooters to get around, and the only thing that's wrong with them is they're just too fat to walk. Fantastic. What's even better is my government pays for it.

Listen up peoples. Being grossly overweight, except for a very very small portion of the population that have actual medical problems, is YOUR OWN FAULT. Suck it up, and stop whining about it, and do something about it!

Fatty fatty too fats!!

9 keen observations:

Anonymous said...

Listen Tubby, I'm about 2 Twinkies from a scooter myself. Hey, we could have races!!! You in?

Mike said...

You talkin scooter races?

Stealth said...

ITA with you on this. It irritates me to no end how people can cram their faces full of junk food, lay on their fat asses all day and then complain that they government isn't doing enought to help them with medical care. Grr!

Mike said...

Don't forget stealth, how they say it's not their fault, surrounded by empty bags of doritos and empty tubs of ice cream.

MDSanta said...

my feelings have been hurt, I will now go and eat a wedding cake on my own.

Mike said...

How many tiers?

Cyberpunk said...

that picture is scary!

thankfully, i've never seen women with asses on the back and the front...ahh, life's little blessings :)

TanNinety said...

But ..but ..I have great personality! :P

Mike said...

Tan, I love you man! :P