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Monday, November 12, 2007

Understanding Men

Wow, two posts in one day. That happens rarely, but I probably won't have a lot of time tomorrow. Besides, I'll probably be spending my time playing a new game called Hellgate anyways.

You know, I've heard scores and scores of women say that they don't understand men. They just don't get men, don't get why they do the things that they do. Well let me tell you something ladies, men are very simple creatures. This isn't always the case, but it usually is. Generally, the issues women have with men are systemic of the complexity that women exhibit of themselves.

*Disclaimer: I am not a professional. This post is a (poor) attempt at humour. It is not to be taken seriously, and I don't want to deal with hate mail. If you are an ultra conservative feminist feminazi, and are deeply offended at anything that comes out of a man's mouth, go away now. If you don't want to go away, I will not be held responsible for the offence you've created yourself, and you can just suck my balls!

As I've said, men are very simple creatures. We like to be happy, and we like those we love to be happy. To make us happy, we like to eat, sleep, hang out with the boys and drink a few beers. Maybe have some freedoms every once and a while. Oh, and we are very reasonable creatures.

Women, you need to understand that subtle hints do not work for us. Many confusion problems can be saved by dropping the incessant need to HINT and just come right out with it. Men don't get hints, pure and simple. You drop hint after hint after hint, getting madder and madder that he doesn't get it, while he's getting more and more flustered and confused at why you're getting mad at nothing. Drop the hints, come right out with it. Both you and your man will be much happier, more things will get done, you'll have mutual understandings. Housework will get completed on time, you'll get what you want for Christmas and birthdays, and you'll add years of life to both yourself and your man by eliminating that stress. NO HINTS, JUST SAY IT! OK!

OK listen, and this one is very important. Have you ever uttered the phrase "Honey, does my ass look big in these pants/skirt/dress/whatever?" What exactly kind of answer is it that you're looking for? You know that there is very little a man will say that you'll be OK with. If a man hasn't heard this one before, he'll actually tell you what he thinks, being a simple creature that is thinking constructive criticism is actually good for a relationship. Let's get something straight. Asking that question is manicide. If he tells you honestly that you look good, you think he's lying. If he tells you honestly that it's not the most flattering thing for you, you'll get so angry that he won't get laid for weeks and he'll be sleeping on the couch. Seriously, if you have to ask the question, ask the sales lady or one of your girlfriends. It'll eliminate so much stress for you and your man that it'll add years to your and your man's life.

When a man leaves the house at 7 am to go to work, and comes back at 6 pm, he's actually been to work. Why is it that many women think that men sit around all day at work drinking beer and reading back copies of Juggs? We're going to come home tired after working all day, JUST LIKE YOU. Greeting him at the door with nagging about neglected housework is just going to set the both of you off. How'd you like it, rolls reversed? He'd NEVER get away with that, so why should you? Here is a hint. When he comes walking through the door, greet him like you'd want to be greeted. Give him a hug and a kiss, hello, how was your day, let him relax for a bit, eat some dinner, and then say "hey, we've got to do some housework. Lets work on it OK?" You'll be surprised at how little "trouble" you get. It'll take away stress and add years to you and your man's life.

Men need time with the boys just like women need time with their friends. Most men do not gallivant around sleeping with 7 women a night like you seem to think they do. Just let them have fun, blow off a little steam. Don't grill them about it, you just won't understand why guys think drinking beer and doing stupid stuff is fun. Accept it, get on with it, and it'll take away stress from the relationship and add years to you and your man's life.

Men have pride, just like yours. It just comes in a different form. Let him buy his power tools, and try to fix stuff. He doesn't give you a hard time about your need for 300 pairs of shoes, or going shopping for a "bed in a bag" or whatever the fuck that is. He has his hobbies, you have yours. Fair is fair, right?

So this is it. Men are direct, men are simple. Men need to be asked direct questions, not hints. Men get defensive when nagged. Men need to blow off a bit of steam once and a while. Men LOVE you, so don't ask them unanswerable questions. Do not treat men like the complex beings that you are. Gossip is lost on us, and so are subtle hints. Just be straight forward with guys, and you'll be surprised at how much you actually do understand. Remember, if you try to treat him like another woman, he won't react in the same way and you'll find yourself getting angry and muttering "men, I just don't understand them".

Hope this helps! Probably not though, because I'm a man so my opinion doesn't count! :P

8 keen observations:

Stealth said...

Mike, I agree totally with you. I'm no furry-legged feminist NOR am I a drama-queen who likes to screw with people's heads. I've never asked anyone if my ass looks fat. I know it doesn't. If I felt like it might, I would jsut assume it was and get it on the damn treadmill! On behalf of women who drop subtile hints, play games, make you do weird shit to prove your love and other such crap, I'm very sorry. We're not all like them.

DrowseyMonkey said...

Yeah, it all sounds good on paper (or screen) but living with a man is not easy. Of course, living with me is not easy either ;) I do appreciate the insight tho!

tanninety said...

No honey, it's your ass that's making the pants look big.

Hungry Mother said...

Men are completely predictable because they are governed by hard-wired behaviors and testosterone. If you want to get a guy's attention, flash your breasts. Men's simplicity and predictability are what makes it so easy to control us. And you women know it, too.

Cyberpunk said...

Women love to be complimented. The only time they want men to tell them that they're wrong is when they fish for compliments by saying things like "I'm so fat" or "I'm ugly".

Mike said...

@Stealth - you are a rare and precious woman indeed

@drowsey - many women do this stuff as an autonomic response, like hunger or a headache. Still, I'm sure many men have their own shtick that we're not consciously aware of.

@Tan - you are a brave man, or have a very understanding wife.

@Hungry - Boobies! Boobies! BOOBIES!

@Cyber - women's compliment fishing is a competitive sport. Be careful.

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty straight forward - if you didn't gather that already. So hinting would just be a waste of time for me.

Mike said...

Yes Mimzie, you are also a rare and precious woman.

Your boyfriend is very lucky that you just come out and say it - whether he realizes it or not. Hopefully he does. If not, send him my way, I'll beat it into him till he gets it :P