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Saturday, January 19, 2008

Those Tricky Jehova's

It was a good friday, and I had the day off work. Sweet bliss, I get to finally sleep in! No setting the alarm clock the night before, no forcing yourself to sleep so you can get your six hour minimum, just go to bed and get up! Fantastic.

Of course, having gotten up at six a.m for the last decade, nobody told me that your body wants to get up at the same time it's used to getting up at. I managed to sleep in until eight a.m. Bloody hell.

I got up, put my stained track suit on, rubbed the sleep from my eyes, let the dog outside and went about my business. I was just putting coffee on, when I heard my dog start to bark like crazy from outside the front door. I respond sluggishly, pr
eferring to finish getting the coffee on than to see what the hell my idiot terrier wanted to kill now. I make my way to the front door, open it, and nobody is there. I then hear my dog barking from the back yard, so I conclude that somebody was here and now they are trying the side door, so I trudge sleepily back to the kitchen.

I turn the corner, and what do I see standing outside the kitchen window? A girl. No. A goddess, about 25 years of age, perfect in every detail. Very pretty face, perfect hair, perfect body, the ass of an athlete and the boobs of an angel. Or what I imagine boobs would look like on an angel, if I thought angels were actually real. She was dressed in a perfectly pressed and coiffed female type business suit, and not a single thing was out of place.

I, just having woken up, looked like Corky's even more retarded little brother. It was too late to change, she had seen me, and waved.


Oh, well, too bad. I wondered what she wanted? And what a beautiful girl like that was doing visiting me on a holdiay morning. Being male, I had visions of a poorly plotted porn video, and I was becoming mentally prepared to be doing her in the shower, bedroom, kitchen table, and a variety of other places in five minutes time.


I opened the door, and was not greeted by her. No, it was more like her great great grandmother who was well past her prime. She looked something similar to this picture below:

The pretty girl just kind of stood there behind her rotten grandmother. I asked if I could help them, not doing much to hide the fact that I was looking past the wicked witch of the west and staring at the pretty young female a few feet from me.

Granny cranked open her jaw with an almost audible rusty hinge sound. I got a whiff of old fish, garlic and denture cream as she spoke.

"Can we speak to you about the lord and savoir, Jesus?" she said, with what looked like a smile from the orifice that was most likely her mouth.

Oh no. Not Jehova's Witness's! Those bastards. Tricky buggars too. If I had seen this senile old bag holding jesus paraphernalia first, I probably wouldn't have opened the door.

"No thanks," I said "I'm secular in my beliefs".

The old woman and the beautiful young girl both looked at me like I had just given them a lecture on quantum mechanics. Right. People that feel the need to go around to others houses pushing their bullshit religious beliefs aren't particularly smart to begin with.

"It means I'm not religious". As soon as I said that, I could see the lightbulb go off in their eyes. Fresh meat! I really shouldn't have told them that. Fuck, mistakes made when you're sleepy.

I heard the grind of bone on bone as the old woman opened her mouth again. She inched closer to me, and I recoiled from the smell of old rotten breath and from the prospect of getting an earful of bullshit, and probably spit on too.

Here is what I heard for the next two full minutes, without being able to get a word in edgewise.

Blah blah blah blah JESUS! Blah blah blah JESUS blah JESUS blah blah and the LORD blah blah JEHOVA, blah blah blah JESUS SAID blah blah JESUS JESUS JESUSITY JESUS BLAH BLAH JESUS BLAH!

Ok people. I don't care what god you pray to or how you go about it, as long as it doesn't hurt anybody. But I had been hurt here. Firstly, they tricked me into thinking I was going to get to hit on really hot girl that had come to MY house that was most likely interested in sex before marriage, and then they sprang the mummy returns at my side door. They did it first thing in the morning on one of my FEW fucking days off, and to top it all off, they were trying to proselytize me into a RELIGION! That's just disrespect there people, because I had already told them I was secular. Respect me, and I respect you.

Speaking of trying to be as respectful as possible, I mustered up all of the politeness I had left in me and finally managed to cut this old bag off from her Jesus babble.

"EXCUSE ME!" I said, loudly and abruptly. The old woman stopped spitting in my face.

"I'm STILL secular. Thank you. Please leave."

You know what happened then? They left. I guess we have some respectful Jehova's here in my little town, because they were damned pushy when I lived in the big city. Or perhaps there's just not enough Jehova Witness to regular person here, and they decided to move on. Get a few converts by volume I guess.

I have never heard from them again. Too bad, I had really hoped that the younger woman had come back by herself. After I have shaved and showered. So that I could convert her into some form of secularism, and baptize her in my bed.

Or just the baptism. That would have been just fine!

8 keen observations:

Still Single! said...

You are soooo bad!! For a min I thought you were describing me! In that kick ass suit and that wonderful well Nevermind! LOL!!!

Tho I am Religious (Messianic Jewess) I am still not into pushing my beliefs on anyone, those Jehovah Witness's yeah they believe they can talk to us whenever they want to and we HAVE to listen!

You have such ummm Preverted thoughts for so early in the morning. LOL!!!!

Be good and keep your door closed!

Still Single!

Hungry Mother said...

You didn't even get a "Watchtower?" I think that, if you had invited them in to sit and share, the young one might have shown you some pink.

Cyberpunk said...

hey there you frustrated porn star

Granny is scary, but at least they went away quick.

DrowseyMonkey said...

I think that means you're going to hell...LOL. I think you'll be in good company.

Anyway..I just tagged ya..haha. 6 quirky things about you!

billymac said...

You were waaaay more polite than I would have been... i usually just slam the door in their faces mid-sentence (kinda like hanging up on a telemarketer without a word).

Mike said...

Still Single - Perverted thoughts for a morning? You don't know men very well. Also, that first comment of yours screams put up a picture :P

Hungry - Only if I pretended to become a jehova, and there's no way i'd even PRETEND that.

Cyber - Do they have Jehova's over where you are?

Drowsey - If there was a hell, I'm there!

Billy - yea, me too, but these ones were polite first. Sort of.

Mimzie said...

Come on, seriously? I mean, you really and truly thought she was going to sleep with you?

What if they said, "turn your life over to Christ and you can do whatever you want to this young girl," would you have? Never mind. Don't answer that.

Jay Cam said...

did she have a nice ass and boobs of an angel? i think i baptized her last night...

lol