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Monday, February 18, 2008

The Douchebags

You hear the word douchebag a lot. Hey, that guy's a douchebag! Yea, and his girlfriend is a total douche!

But what exactly is a douchebag? Originally, it was a bag filled with vinegar or similar that a woman attached a nozzle to so she could flush the nasties from her slimy cooch. This disgusting device eventually became the name for our lowest ranking members of society. These are the people that think they are absolute hot
shit, but are in fact the total opposite. A douchebag is a person who thinks they are genious when in fact they are borderline retarded; a person who is unusually arrogant; a person who is specifically malicious in intent. In other words, just an all around idiot.

Here are some of the douches I've noticed.

The "I'm Cooler than you Douche"

You've seen these people. The guys have short, spiked hair. They spend most of their time at the gym, or in the tanning bed, and compliment it by wearing skimpy wife beaters, designer jeans, and sunglasses no matter what time of the day it is. They usually have a cross around their neck, even though the last time they were at church was when they were christened. The cross is just an attempt to get the Christian ladies in the sack. They frequent night clubs, use all the newest slang, and they use all the latest hand signal slang. You know, three fingers out "what up holmes" kind of stuff. Their shoes are always clean and they have blingy jewelery all over themselves. Unless you're a hottie in the same douchebaggery dress up and using the same douche slang, they shoot you snide looks as if to say "I'm too good for you, buddy". The girls are the same, in skimpy clothes that show off cleavage, same tan, same bleach blonde hair (the curtains don't match the carpet, let me assure you) and the same douchey attitude.

Let's have a reality check with these kings of douche. While they might have all the latest clothes and follow the latest trends, in reality they still live with their parents and spend every cent they earn on this crap and buying drinks at the night club. At the end of the day, they go back to their 10' by 12' bedroom at their moms house and have all their douchey friends over to lie
about all the pussy they didn't get at the club the night before. By the time these douches are 30, their lack of education and general better than thou attitudes will land them nothing but the same dead end job and in the same bedroom they've lived in for their entire lives, plus some melanoma for their months spend in a tanning booth. By the time these douches are 50 they'll look like their 80 and if they are lucky they'll be living in some shitty apartment building eating cat food, because that's all their social assistance will pay for.

The "I'm always right" douche

These are the people who are never, ever wrong, especially when they are. They'll argue until they are blue in the face, and even if you show them absolute substantiated proof, the
y'll insist that the source is wrong. Every action that they do is the right one, and every one that somebody else does is wrong. Even when they find out how wrong they were the hard way, they'll blame it on some other bullshit thing that never really happened. Usually, these people have vast senses of undeserved entitlement and are horrible with money. It really doesn't matter to them, because it's always somebody else's fault and they'll insist it was completely out of their control, even if preventing the problem was plain as day to anyone with any common sense.

Usually, if they promise to help you, they will..... eventually. A normal, sensible person will agree to help you if they have time, and then help you. If they don't, they'll say so, and you'll thank them and move on. These people will tell you it's no problem, of course they can help you, t
hey have lots of time. Time goes by, and you get nothing but excuses. Their kids were sick. The wife worked late. The husband took the car without telling me. I ran short on time because blah de blah blah blah. That's all well and good, except these excuses are the same every single time with every single person. A "I'm always right" douche will even get angry at you when you tell them to forget it, or take it to someone else. They're also the first to gossip when you tell them no, and are experts at manipulating you to do all sorts of things for them. Just try to tell THEM that you don't have time when you don't, up front, like a normal sensible person would. They'll say FINE with an angry look on their face. Douche.

The "environmentalist" douche

An environmentalist douche has a serious "holier than thou" attitude. This person is a rabid environmentalist who paints everyone else but them as part of the problem. They are unable to see the big picture, and think that their personal efforts at recycling, reusing bags and driving a hybrid car would single handedly save the entire planet from environmental disaster, if only everyone else would be just like them.

They live in b
ig houses, use tap water, electricity and natural gas, shop at grocery stores and Wall*Mart. Their environmental efforts mean that they might use a few percent less energy than a similar sized family. The understanding that this will have a negligible effect on the problem as a whole, and it would take a societal paradigm shift to solve the problem is completely lost on them. After all, they are too busy sniffing their shit to confirm it doesn't stink to see just HOW MUCH OF A DOUCHEBAG THEY REALLY ARE!

The "bandwagon" douchebag

These douchebags are similar to the environmentalist douchebags, in that they are unable to see any big picture. Instead, they are swept up into whatever hysteria happens to present itself at that time in an orgy of self gratification. You can usually find these douches at one protest or another, holding up signs and chanting protest when they have absolutely no clue what it's all about. It could be environmental iss
ues, abortion issues, political issues, any issue whatsoever. The douchiest of the lot will protest in favor of one side of an issue first, only to be found a month later protesting for the other side. These people truly do not understand the issues, are not able to make a rational and informed decision, because they are just hysteria driven douches who have something that every douche has: A holier than thou attitude. This makes these people feel that they are better than you, even if they will never admit it. Lousy douches.

The "Status Symbol" douche.

How many people here in North America do you know that drives a giant, gas guzzling 4x4. How often do they actually go off road? How often do they actually haul around 9 people, a load of stuff and a huge trailer verses the amount of time spent driving this monstrosity alone? How many of these vehicles do you see parked at huge, giant mansion style houses.

The fact of the matter is that these people think they have really small penis's (or boobs for the female variety), and need to suppliment it with shit they cannot ever need or use. They think a status symbol shouts to the world "look how important I am!", when it really shouts to the world "Look at me! I'm not well endowed at all!"

The vast majority of these status symbol douches are a paycheck away from total and complete financial breakdown. They don't understand that living comfortably means living within your means, not above it. Your outgoing living expenses should not equal your income. The worst part is, when something happens and they miss a payment, they don't understand what went wrong! Further, these douches look down at people who live within their means as those "Silly poor people". Yea douchebag? When I'm comfortable in my retirement, playing golf and eating well, and you're still working at 95 trying to pay off that oppressive debt, who's going to be laughing then? Not you, douchebag.

There are so many more examples of douchebaggery that I haven't touched on. Suffice it to say, a douchebag is someone who thinks they're better than everyone, all the time. They aren't. They're people who think that they are smarter than everyone. They aren't. They think that they are better than everyone. They aren't. These are the people that think they are beautiful, correct, smart, and the best, without any critical or rational thought processes to back it up.

You are, and you always will be better than a douche, and know it. So next time a douchebag pulls a holier than thou smirk at you, just smile and walk away secure in the knowledge that this person truly is, a douchebag.

If you liked the above, you might also like:

Those Dirty Fag Suckers
The Absurdity of the Canadian Criminal Code
Merry Christmas to us, but lets talk about those less fortunate
Understanding Men
Bless this, Father!

15 keen observations:

Tequila Mockingbird said...

oh man do i heart you! this post just gave my boob a woody. you know i have the infamous douchebag awards, right?

i think you'll totally dig this site

billymac said...

scary, i know a person who fits just about all of the douche categories above to a T...

Mike said...

Tequila - boob woodies give me crotch woodies!

I'll have to look for your douchebag awards, and THANK you for the site!

Wookiemac - I hope you don't mean me!

Hungry Mother said...

I don't know if BillyMac means me, but I think I qualify. Help!

Drowsey Monkey said...

Oh no! I like david And don't you go to the gym all the time? But I guess you don't spike your hair or wear wife beaters.

And it sounds like you and tequila will be very happy together, LOL LOL

Anonymous said...

Mike, That was a very great Post! I know a couple of them, and sad to say I grew up with some of them. I like the last couple of paragraphs.

Thank you for confirming to me that I am better than a douche bag!!! LOL!!

Your the greatest! Glad you liked my T.V.


Anonymous said...

Lately, I've noticed that Suzuki is much less of a douchebag and much more of a fascist environmentalist. He's gotten all "If you disagree with me you suck and will die" in recent years. Somewhat admirable, if he wasn't preaching nonsensical hippy values.

jAMiE said...

I kind of think SuZuki is one but i think he means well...not all db

Mike said...

Hungry - don't worry, you're the coolest senior citizen I know! As a matter of fact, your general lack of grumpiness and your open minded nature fooled me into thinking you are a much younger man. No doucheyness there!

Drowsey - Going to the gym is only ONE of the things needed for douchebags!

Single - if you were a douchebag, you'd be working on sexual partner number 40 :P

whatigot - facist environmentalist = douchebag dood!

Jamie - douchebags definatley do NOT mean well. It's one of their characteristics.

Just Sayin' said...

"A douchebag is a person who thinks they are genious when in fact they are borderline retarded; a person who is unusually arrogant; a person who is specifically malicious in intent. In other words, just an all around idiot."

Ummmm... I just realized I'm a... I'm a... Well... I'm a douche.

I'm gonna' go somewhere and cry this out.

Anonymous said...

See I did good remaining a "V" woo hoo!!!

Jay Cam said...

man, from all that it looks like everyone is a douche!

you douchebag look what you did!
: )

all that fuss ruined my spikey hair...

Nicole said...

Have heard that term a short while back for the first time.
Had to look up the meaning :)

Now I have the perfect explanation of the various types - thanks :D

Mike said...

Just sayin' - I'm sorry about your douchehood. I'm sure you'll try to turn yourself around!

Single - There is such a thing as moderation, you know!

Jay - the spikey hair must accompany the "i'm better than you" attitude. Ok, I guess you're a douche ;)

Nicole - I'm glad I did some good!

Iron Pugilist said...

Ha ha ha ha! You are right! But pathetic as it may seem... I am envious of a few of them.

There is no paradise for the humble man, I believe.