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Sunday, February 3, 2008

Those Dirty Fag Suckers

For all of those politically correct overboard junkies, don't get your panties in a bunch. When I refer to dirty fag sucker, I'm talking about cigarette smoking, not the other kind of smoking.

From here on in, cigarettes shall be referred to the proper term "fag", as they are called in England. And I shall refer to fag smokers as "dirty fag smokers", because smoking fags is a dirty, filthy, disgusting habit.

Fag smoking is such a dirty habit, and I'm ashamed to admit that I've done a lot of fag smoking in the past. The first time I smoked a fag, my reflex reaction was to cough, sputter, and spit until every last molecule of the white stuff was expelled from my insides. So what did I do? I took another suck.

Fag sucking first starts off as a result of peer pressure. All of the cool kids are sucking on fags, and all of your friends are sucking on fags. You're offered fag after fag after fag, until finally you give in and start sucking on a fag to fit in. You derive no pleasure from the first few fags. That does not last.

After your body gets over it's initial fag rejection, and you begin sucking more and more fags, you begin to develop a fag buzz. It's a light headed euphoric feeling that fag sucking gives you, and you enjoy it. It's a legal high! No wonder all the cool kids do it!

Soon afterwards, the fags let you down in a big way. You see, your body accustoms itself to sucking on fags, and the fag buzz is replaced with addiction.

That's right my friends, you no longer WANT to suck on a fag. You NEED to suck on a fag.

The more fags you suck, the more fags you need. For those of you who have never been addicted to fag sucking, you can liken it to hunger for food. Your body NEEDS food, and when you go without it your brain can focus on very little but to go find food. Once you have food, and are sated, you mind can focus on other things. That's what it's like with fags. If you go without a fag for too long, your mind can think about nothing but sucking on that long, slim fag until you've had your fill. You're only focus is to go and suck on that fag.

Some people try to justify smoking fags by sucking on the light fags. The problem with light fags is that your body needs a certain amount of fag, and smoking light fags just means you'll smoke more of them and more often to get the fag your body requires.

Once you are truly and thoroughly addicted to fags, it's almost impossible to quit. Doctors say that a fag addiction is harder to give up than cocaine. I agree. Apparently, your body needs the active chemical in fag. Once you start smoking fags, your body stops making the chemical because it gets all it needs from fag sucking. When you try to quit, it takes your body time to adjust to it and start making the fag chemical again. In the meantime, you go CRAZY!

Most who try to give up fag sucking will never do so because they make excuses about it. They say that it's not the right time, that they are too stressed right now. You see, they will always have some sort of stress in their lives, that's what living is all about. Life causes stress, it's a fact. The funny thing is, that the stress they are actually talking about is the stress caused by not sucking on any fags. People insist that after sucking on a fag, their stress level goes down, it calms them, they can focus on other things. The stress is caused by your bodies need for the fag chemical itself! Of course you feel more relaxed after you fill that need!

I gave up dirty fag sucking about 2 1/2 years ago. It was probably the hardest thing I had ever done. Fags are very expensive now. It's ten dollars for a pack of fags, and twenty-five fags come in a pack. Yes, I was sucking on twenty-five fags a day! I went through withdrawal, I got sick, I was stressed, but in the end I did it. I wanted to do it for my health, as fag sucking causes heart disease and lung cancer and a whole host of other maladies, and that scared me. I ended up finally quitting fag sucking for financial reasons. I had just purchase my home and I was very short on money. Could you imagine losing your home for something as silly as the need to suck on fags? The truth of the matter is that it took me almost a whole year before I was completely over my addiction to fags. Long after the chemical dependency has dissipated, the habit is still there. It takes a long time for your brain to adjust to not sucking on fags at break times, at lunch time, in your car, with a coffee, with a beer.

I'm glad I gave it up. Fag sucking is gross. After you suck on a fag, you STINK, and the area STINKS. Fag suckers don't understand how much they actually smell after sucking on fags all day until they stop sucking on fags themselves. Fags also leave stains on your fingers and teeth, and you end up with little fag holes all over your clothing.

Kids, if you've never sucked on a dirty fag before, do not start. If you have started, stop now before it's too late. Trust me, you might think it's cool now, but you WILL regret it when you're older and can't stop sucking on fags.

People of the world unit, let's stop dirty fag sucking!

12 keen observations:

Anonymous said...

Mike, I am against fag smoking also! But I am also a teeth person, I love to see WHITE Clean teeth, I have a couple of friends that smoke but they brush Like 10 times aday.. But I am hoping and praying that they stop asap.

In older movies they try to make the women look so sexy, and men it makes them look like they are just plain dumb for doing it! lol No I stand with you on this NO MORE FAG SMOKING!!!


Hungry Mother said...

Congrats on kicking the habit. I was off the fags for 10 years before I stopped being paranoid about accidentally picking up someone else's fag from an ashtray in a bar where I was wasted and getting hooked again. I used to have nightmares about it. I smoked 3 packs of unfiltered Camels at my worst phase of addiction. I never blame anyone for not being able to quit, because it is so incredibly addictive. I'll bet the tobacco companies know how to un-addict people by administering an antidote, but they'll never tell. If there's a hell, the tobacco execs, sales people, ad people, and lobbyists will all roast in it to eternity.

Jillian said...


I haven't had a smoke in 4 years. And I started when I was 17 because a guy I liked smoked. And here I thought I was immune to such things as peer-pressure. What a let-down!

But yes, it's a gross habit and like hungry mother, I don't belittle anyone that's trying to quit. It's hard. I knew I needed to quit when I broke out in a cold sweat at 5am one morning and was rocking back and forth in my chair because I ran out and needed more. And you know what? I went to go buy some and lit up in my car right then and there. You'd think someone just saved my life I was so happy.

Did I mention I have asthma?? Yup, I'm a smart one. I'll admit, I still crave them though... nothing goes better with coffee than a smoke. Mmmmm...

Great post!


moooooog35 said...

That was awesome.

I'm surprised, though, that you made no mention of menthol flavored fags.

..or..the Camel advertisements that try to get kids (KIDS) to start sucking fags...

...nevermind the menthol-flavored ones.

Chris Hansen from Dateline would be SO over this shit.

Mike said...

Single - Your friends will not be able to keep up with the teeth whitening. Eventually, it'll catch up with them. As will the hacking, coughing and leathery sea turtle skin that comes with long term smoking. I bet they say it won't happen to them. IT WILL.

Hungry - thanks man, it was hard. Three packs of unfiltered camels? And you made it to 67? Fuck, you're lucky!

Jillian - I had a friend who was a smoker and asthmatic. Not even the giant asthma attack that put him in the hospital got him to quit - so sad.

Mooooooog - You'd think inferring smoking as homosexual acts would be sufficient alone to get kids to stop? Maybe I'll have to do a part 2?

billymac said...

thank the lords that I didn't pick up the habit of fag smoking, i already have enough weird habits to contend with...

Anonymous said...

This was an awesome post. I'm totally stealing this idea and writing about the first time I ever smoked a fag. It was NOT pretty!

Mike said...

Billymac - As I mentioned before, wookies are flammable and should not be near any open flame.

Mimzie - OK, but remember to spread the love!

Jay Cam said...

lol wow my mommy wouldn't like your language!
: )

i'm never smoked a fag because i'm cool like that. i've learned that the best way to stop someone from smoking!

i'll post it tomorrow just for you!

Mike said...

Ok, i'll try it on my ultra stubborn friends and see what happens!

Drowsey Monkey said...

I never did smoke...I tried as a teenager but it hurt my throat so I never did it again. Glad you're smoke free!

Jessica said...

omg...I couldn't stop laughing reading that post. I stopped dirty fag sucking about 4 years ago and it was really hard. Sometimes I think about going back, but the benefits of not smoking keep me from doing it.