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Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Things I notice.

Try this. Rent an all female porno (or grab one from your collection), close your eyes and listen to the noises being made. Remembering that noise, watch a female tennis match in a similar manner. Just listening, I have a very hard time telling the two apart.

I notice a very disturbing trend in floors getting more and more shiny and reflective, and women wearing skirts less often.

I notice that my farts don't really smell that bad, but everyone acts like they do.

Old people are always telling me to slow down. Funny thing, I'm usually not driving at the time.

Babies and puppies go out of their way to poo in an inconvenient spot at an inconvenient time. It's like they KNOW.

Cats go out of their way to make sure they are sleeping in the most inconvenient spots. When they do this, a Mac truck won't make them move. I notice that cats are jerks.

I notice the difference between cheap beer and expensive beer. Expensive beer is much better. Until I've had eight or nine expensive beers. Then I don't notice the difference between the two at all.

I notice women with mustaches. In my town, I can't help not to. They ALL have mustaches.

Think no one will notice that bit of spinach stuck to your teeth? Trust me, I notice.

Every once and a while I go to an all you can eat buffet. I notice all the extremely overweight people there. I notice that they eat four or five times what I eat. I notice that their plates are piled high with high fat fried foods without a single vegetable. I notice my plate, with visible separation between the foods. I notice that this is a buffet, meaning you can go up as many times as you want. I notice that these fat people don't understand that.

When I go to the gym, I notice the same overweight people leaning against a cardio machine, eating a high calorie weight lifter protein bar and complaining about their weight problem.

I notice people picking their nose in the car. Especially in traffic jams. I notice car windows are transparent. I wonder why no one else does?

I notice smokers smoking underneath a no smoking sign. Assholes.

I notice when politicians lie. I've noticed that politicians lie every time they open their mouth.

I notice the right wing fundamentalist christian right movement scream bloody murder about being persecuted. I notice the same group persecuting christians of slightly different beliefs, atheists, homosexuals, muslims, pagans and wiccans. I noticed myself laughing at the bullshit being oozed by this group of idiots.

I notice women noticing when I am shifting my junk around. I notice women don't understand what it's like having your junk hanging between your legs, and you can only resist so long when it needs adjusting. How long can women resist scratching itches? It's like that.

These are the things I notice.

28 keen observations:

Still Single! said...

I notice a lot of things also, that some people don't notice, I wonder the same, why do they not think that we see them? Also, Why do you have to reposition all the time? I mean at least play it off better than you all do! I

I don't do the Buffet thingy anymore, why because of the way some of the people look that go up there! I know it may sound mean of me, but wash your damn hands! and straighten up a bit. I am just ummm funny about what I eat and where I eat! okay I am done, I think I made a blog within your blog! LOL!

Oh Oh Oh! Thank You again, Your the bestest!

billymac said...

preach on brother!

Bella Crystal said...

I hope never to scream bloody murder if I'm persecuted.I will try to be calm and speak with love,joy and peace in my heart to anyone that persecutes me.

Still Single! said...

Mike Please Don't!! And you know what I am talking about!

Still Single!

Mike said...

Still single - You'd have to have your gonads dangling to understand. Also, I agree. Sometimes buffets can be gross. I almost never go to them. The one I do go to you order from a card and they make it fresh in the kitchen. YOu can do this as many times as you want. It's way better that way.

Billymac - You know it! Testify!

Mike said...

Still Single - you KNOW I have to.

Mike said...

Bella Crystal -

Are you saying you're one of those right wing christian hypocrits? Go watch Jesus Camp to see what I mean.

If you are, then you are doing way more persecuting than getting persecuted.

There's a difference between one of THOSE christians and a person of respect.

A person of respect allows the same freedoms to people of differing beliefs as they expect to their own.

Are you a member of the former, or the latter? Do you persecute people yourself? Do you understand what persecution is? Do you let others be in peace even if their beliefs don't jive with your own? If you try to indoctrinate them into your belief and they are not interested? Be them jewish or muslim or hindu or pagen? How about lifestyle choices?

And what do you consider persecution? Something as simple as someone who is a homosexual or bi sexual?

Do tell!

Hungry Mother said...

Amen!!

Hungry Mother said...

Amen!!

Jay Cam said...

don't make fun of fat people!

they can't help that they are grossly covered with fat and are a "heart atttack on feet"!

lol

DrowseyMonkey said...

I'm a fat person and I've noticed that thin people have very almighty attitudes when it comes to the way I live me life.

As for the other stuff...uh huh.

Mike said...

Drowsey Monkey -

Only to those who constantly complain about being overweight. To those who overeat, under-exercise and wonder why.

How about the thinner people that don't want a heart attack at 55, who watch what they eat and exercise, listening to those who are overweight, unwilling to really look at their eating and exercise habits, complain to them ALL THE TIME?

"Oh, it must be NICE not to be significantly overweight!"

Well guess what, it's not easy. Especially the older you get. We live in a gluttonous society with way too much BAD FOOD at our CONSTANT disposal.

Fact is, it's easy to give into today's NOW fast food society. It's not so easy to break the mold and spend that extra time understanding and doing.

Who gives two shits about personal choices? Not I. I'm simply making observations. Take them as you will. Obviously I hit a nerve with you. It wasn't meant that way, and it wasn't aimed at you. You are not a complainer.

I disagree with your willingness to accept being significantly overweight, but that's my personal opinion, and everyone is entitled to one of those.

Still Single! said...

Big boned people don't bother me, IT is the Dirty people that bother me! I don't like to ever pass judgment on people, I just think when you go out somewhere you need to make sure that you have like washed, brushed your teeth, WASH YOUR HANDS!!! That is all I am saying. skinny Peeps are just as sloppy as the next!

Stealth said...

Cats ARE jerks! I've totally noticed that, too. Women can resist scratching the "itchies" just as long as we need to. We'd rather itch than have someone see is scratching the cooch.

Mike said...

Still Single - You wouldn't like to see me after a day of work in the field - sweaty, dirty, ripped chlorine stained clothing, dirt under the fingernails, you'd have a conniption!

Stealth - what you're saying is that women have better self control when it comes to their junk?

Mimzie said...

I love all your "notices." Now I have an itch to go scratch.

tanninety said...

I notice that old people who are driving with their turn signal on will never turn.

..that your nose always itches when you have stuff to carry in both your hands.

..that you automatically become a "fag" when you kill someone in MMORPG.

..how your suitcase is the last one to arrive at the luggage claim at the airport.

..how Mike doesn't blog without mentioning a boob or poo ..

moooooog35 said...

Lesbian porn or an girl-girl tennis match.

..doesn't matter if I close my eyes or not..

..I can only watch 5 minutes of each anyway.

Mike said...

Mimzie - with great gusto, I bet.

Tan - boobs are good and poo is funny.

Moog - some female girl on girl tennis woulda helped when you had to MOOGE for the hospital, I bet.

Jillian said...

LOL... I love this post.

I don't love persecution.

I do love cats. You can pet them WHEN THEY say you can. I like a little backbone in a pet.

I like buffets. When you say "fat" do you mean chubby? Or huge? I dunno.. why am I asking anyway? I notice how much food is on someone's plate AND what kind but only because I'm so picky. And I still kinda have that thing about my food touching. And when it bothers me when people put stuff like chocolate pudding next to salad. Ewww.

I like catching guys shifting their junk. They look at mewhen I adjust my boobs... we're even.

As usual... great post.

:-)

-Jillian

Jillian said...

Well damn, I need to just go to bed. I saw a typo and yes, I am SO going to post and correct it!

CORRECTION:

And it bothers me when people put stuff like chocolate pudding next to salad.*

Mike said...

Thanks Jillian

Just for clarification, when I refer to fat people, it's OBESE.

Obese so you can't see your penis.
Obese so you have an ass on the front that's as big or bigger than an ass on your back.
Obese so when you put on the xxxxxxL stretchy track pants it fits you like a second skin.
Obese so that you can't get up out of your chair without rocking back and forth to gain momentum.
Obese as in there is NO WAY you can argue that you are still fat and healthy.

When I say fat, it does not refer to chubby people. My issue is with obesity so that it affects health, costing us social system tax payers more money just because you can't stop shoving food in your mouth. I have no issue with people with a bit of pudge. Pudge does not cost money.

Jillian said...

Right on for the clarification. I'm glad you answered! :-)

Mike said...

I have the same problem with dirty fag suckers (smokers).

Still Single! said...

The thing I notice, is there is not another blog! Is someone taking the day off, along with Jay?

Toodles.

Mike said...

yea sorry SS. Sometimes I get engrossed in other things and the blog suffers. I didn't make a 365 day commitment :P

Still Single! said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Still Single! said...

Hey, I had to delete the other post, because it just did not make sense! Anyway, I got something that I need you to look out (A post) Nothing more! LOL!!! I am gonna get back to ya on it.

So that means I am gonna be nice about the Kinda and azz comment!

lol