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Monday, January 28, 2008

Barnyard Addition

Back in December, I wrote a little story about some animals in a farm that my mom's friend owns. It was called barnyard brawl, and I wrote it after taking my dog Jinx over to play with one of their dogs. My inspiration came after seeing that the two dogs had an very captive audience of a cow, a horse and two sheep.

This will make much more sense if you read barnyard brawl first, so please, click here and do that. I'll wait while you do. Really, go ahead, it's ok, I have time.


All done? Good. Let's get on with today's story.

The horse I had lovingly nicknamed Dicky is no longer with us. He was thirty years old, and for a horse that's pretty much a geezer. Come to think of it, I just turned thirty. You know, I think I'll give those glue factories a wide berth. Just in case.

Dicky was replaced by another horse, a young gelding male. For those of you who don't know what a gelding is, it's a male horse that still has his weeny but got his pounder plums cut out. That happens a lot to male horses who won't be used for breeding, because it calms them down. That wouldn't calm me down. It would really piss me off. I mean, life without testosterone and little swimmers just isn't worth living, and I wouldn't want to. I'd take out as MANY people as I could along the way though!

Here is how I imagine the Disney conversation between the animals would have taken place. Disney if I were running Disney, which would not be for kids, that I assure you.

Cow: Ed, what happened to Dicky?
Sheep #1: I don't know Beatrice. Last thing I remember is the weird hairless animal hauling him away in the big box. He said something about a glue factory.
Cow: What's a glue? And what's a factory?
Sheep #2: BAAAAAAAAA BA BA BAAAAAAAAAA!
Cow & Sheep #1: SHUT UP RETARD!
Sheep #2: ba
Cow: Hey! There's Dicky now! He's back!
Sheep #1: I don't think that's Dicky, he doesn't look the same.
Cow: I'll say! He's got a four foot long schlong, instead of Dicky's itty bitty little three footer
Sheep #1: Beatrice, why do you always go for the stallions? You know you're not good enough. Nobody wants to screw a cow, at least, they'll never admit to it.
Cow: Can't blame a girl for trying right? Maybe this time will be different!
Sheep #1: Go for it then, I can't wait to watch you get shot down again!
Cow: Shut up Ed, or I'll tell this new guy you're a pig fucker.
Sheep #1: Whatever, at least I'm getting some, fatty.
Cow: I'm not FAT! I'm just big BONED!
Sheep #1: Whatever, land walrus.
Cow: Yea, shut your pie hole before I shit in your precious hair!

Cow approaches new horse

Cow: Hi there new horse, I'm Beatrice.
Horse: Hi Beatrice, I'm Paul.
Cow: Hi Paul, nice to meet you.
Horse: Nice to meet you too.
Cow: Paul, do you think I'm pretty?
Horse: Sure Beatrice, you're real pretty!
Cow: Really? You think so?
Horse: Sure do!
Cow: Great! (turns around so her butt is facing him) Take me big boy!
Horse: Take you where?
Sheep #1: Haha!
Cow: Shut up Ed!
Horse: What's going on?
Cow: Aren't you going to have your way with me?
Horse: Have my...? Oh. Oh. OOOOOOH!
Cow: Yes!
Horse: Ahhhh.... no.
Sheep #1: HA HA HA HA!
Cow: ED!
Cow: Why not Paul? I thought you said I was pretty?
Horse: Yea, you sure are! For a cow!
Sheep #1: HA HA HA HA HA!
Horse: Not that it matters, I'm a gelding
Cow: A gelding?
Horse: Yea, they took my nuts away. Ever since I haven't wanted any sex at all.
Sheep #1 & #2: HAHA!! BA BA BAAAAAA! HAHAHAA! BAAAAAAAA!
Cow: What?
Horse: Yea, I have no nuts. Hey, you know what? Do you want to go get manicures together? I hear that the chicken coop has some AMAZING estheticians! We can get our hair all prettied up too! Maybe we can do some shopping?
Sheep #1: Hey Beatrice! Why don't you take your new ball less effeminate boyfriend behind the barn and screw his brains out! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Cow: I fucking hate you Ed.

Stay tuned for the ongoing saga of the barnyard. Two sheep, one an asshole and one a retard, a gay horse, and a horny cow make good fodder for horribly perverted stories!!

7 keen observations:

Hungry Mother said...

I'm not sure if I'm the asshole or the retard for reading all of that folderal assiduously.

Still Single! said...

I went back and read the other story, then came back to this.. Mike, My dear You are a Eff'n NUT!!! My word! I just want you to know That you need to write more than just blogs. I am that freaking Retard, I wish the pets on my farm could talk, then I would be just like Dr. DOLittle, Yep my mind is not right after reading this..

Toodles.
Ne.

Anonymous said...

This wouldn't be nearly as funny if you correctly portrayed the bovine creature as a steer.


You're atwisted man, Mike!

Your Sister

Tequila Mockingbird said...

i heard a prostitute say the same thing as the cow did :"Yea, shut your pie hole before I shit in your precious hair!"

that's profound. like ralph waldo fucking emerson.

Mike said...

Hungry - you KNOW you liked it, and it's OK for you to admit it, man.

Still Single - Send me a picture of your farm and some of it's animals and I'll see if I can come up with a good story.

Sister - It's a cow and I'm sticking to my story!

Tequila - I didn't know you paid for kink, thought it came naturally to you? :P

billymac said...

yeah, that would change the dynamics of the story mike (i.e., if the cow was a dude), it wouldn't make it less funny, just different.

Jay Cam said...

wow that cast is amazing!!

if you hadn't took that idea i would have done it!!!!! dang it!!
: )

that's really funny bro. you learn well!