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Friday, January 25, 2008

Advice for new parents

I'm not a parent. To a human. But I do have a rational and logical world view, that lets me see things that others sometimes don't.

Recently, I've been thinking about new parents, and how to help them. Maybe it's because my own biological clock is ticking. Well, not my clock, but the longer I stay not married the less likely it'll be I'll snag the right woman of child bearing abilities. Twenty-five year olds only marry eighty year olds for one thing, and it's not for their DNA.

Let's be honest. It's a tough world out there, and it's getting tougher. The cost of living is going up, salaries aren't going up to match it, and we're getting taxed harder and harder by our first world governments desperately clawing to stay that way.

It's not easy making it in this world, and it gets tougher when you have kids. Children are expensive! There's formula and medicines and powders and lotions and burping towels and nipple creams (for the breast feeding mother I think) and pony rides and tickle me whacked out fuzzy crack addicted Sesame Street characters, or whatever it is babies are into.

One of the things that just empty new parents bank accounts like there's no tomorrow is diapers. Walking down the baby aisle at the grocery store, I can see why. The only thing more expensive than a disposable diaper is a liter of gasoline, or possibly bottled water.

There's just no relief in site from diapers. From my limited understanding of parenthood, I'm lead to believe that the average child uses between thirty to forty-seven diapers a day and wears them until the age of twelve.

That is some SERIOUS money! Based on a cost of $0.40 per diaper, at forty-seven per day at 4,380 days (twelve years) that's a cost of $82,344.00. For DIAPERS! I don't know how parents do it, but now I understand all this "parents" allowance nonsense and why my yearly totaled taxes tally to fifty-three percent of my salary.

This is absolutely ridiculous. It's just so financially daunting for parents and draining the economic resources of my country, not to mention filling our landfills to the brim. How's an honest bum to make a living then, when he can't comb through a pile of garbage for treasures when he has to contend with mounds oozing rotten shit laden balls of plastic? It's just not fair!

So, I decided to come up with a solution to the problem. I prepared myself for some serious thinking. I put on some soft music, put on the tea, sat down in my most comfortable chair, and 18 long seconds later I came up with the perfect, most practical solution to this devastating problem.

Free Range Babies.

That's right, free range babies are the solution to the diaper problem. With a free range baby, you don't need diapers at all. I've come up with two types of free range baby, tailored to suit our northern climates.

1. Warm Month Free Range Baby

Warm month free range baby will be implemented during the times of the year when the temperature is above 18 degrees Celsius. The thrust of this program will be to make use of your back, or front yards, so that any waste made by the baby will go directly onto the ground. Once there, it will biodegrade, and return valuable nutrients back to the earth. You may choose to scoop your babies waste, brown bag it and sell it to farmers for fertilizer. Who knows, maybe next time you are enjoying a fresh salad, your baby could have helped grow it!

It's recommended that you build an outdoor pen or long exercise run for your baby. Babies need exercise too. Also, have a sheltered area so that your baby can get out of the rain or other elements if needed. You may also want to provide fresh water in between feedings, especially in the warmer weather. When it's hot and dry, your baby will dehydrate faster, and require more fluids.

2. Cold month free range baby

During the colder months, you would have to clothe your baby, rendering the free range program #1 completely ineffective. With the cold month free range baby program, all you need is a small room in your house and a few dozen bags of kitty litter, preferably the clumping kind. If you don't have an entire room to devote to this program, you can devote part of your basement or even a corner of another room. Just make sure you build an adequate containment birm to prevent baby escape or kitty litter overflow.

The idea being is that you fill this room or section five or six inches deep with the clumping kitty litter. Let your baby live in that area until (s)he is toilet trained. Remember, make SURE you scoop the clumps on a regular basis so your baby isn't rolling in his or her own filth, as it is a potential health hazard.

Also, it's good to take the appropriate steps so your baby does not escape this area. Otherwise, you'll be scrubbing the brown spot off your plush white shag carpeting.

I hope my brilliant idea helped you young parents in some way. Please, do not hesitate to pass this on to anyone you know who is pregnant for the first time, or has young children.

As always, I'm here to help.


14 keen observations:

theoffendedblogger said...

Hmmm, I saved us a chunk of change by just reusing the same single pack of "disposable" diapers on all 3 of mine. They hold more than you think!

In fact, I still have them, and I am saving them for when the grandkids come along.

DrowseyMonkey said...

Seriously...when you become a father I'm sending you my real name & address...cause that's something I wanna see! LOL

Anonymous said...

Mr Dear Mike! @ Drowseymonkey..Ditto! I have to see this for myself. I am babysitting a 1 1/2 mth old right now, and I don't really see litterbox training a option here! LOL!! Keep On making me laugh Please!!!

Jay Cam said...

lol interesting ideas!

but if you wear diapers until you are 12 and use 47 a day you must have serious problems!!!

J.H. said...

LOL... those are great ideas. I think some parents implement these ideas already, but it's not on purpose!

Anonymous said...

Gosh! I thought of getting a corvette with all my savings. I'll redirect that money for marriage and it's aftereffects! :D

Hungry Mother said...

That's about the kind of knowledge that I brought into parenthood. It worked for me, so it might work for you.

Dogford Park Committee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mike said...

Offended - Shit, I didn't think of that. Did you hose them off first or did you just scrape the majority of the poo off?

Drowsey - I am a real father... of a dog. Ok, real ADOPTIVE fater :P

Still Single - There is ALWAYS an option.

Jay - As I said, I'm going from my limited experience.

j.h. - do you know of any? Maybe we should talk.

Joel - Corvette? Gross. Go for a beamer or something nice :P

Hungry - Obviously they survived, so you must have done OK.

Jay Cam said...

your experience must have been very strange!
: )

Anonymous said...

Uh, if you have a kid wearing diapers until they're 12 years old, you have bigger issues to deal with. I'm just saying.

Stealth said...

LOL! Free-range babies. Love it. I read in this book once about how jungle moms handle the potty problem. They train their babies to potty when they the mothers tickle their butt-crack. They do this every hour or so and never need diapers. They just haul those naked babies around through the jungle with them and have no worries about diapers.

Mike said...

Mimzie - Obviously, you have more parenting experience than I have.

All I know is that I got my dog paper trained by the time she was 10 weeks old, and outside trained shortly after that.

This is why I think dogs are smarter than children.

Mike said...

Stealth - Unfortunately, the butt tickling thing would not work, because of two reasons:

#1 - Human babies are too dumb to do anything but piss and shit themselves when they get the urge

#2 - In todays society, if you touch a childs bum your arrested either for sexual abuse or regular abuse, no matter what the capacity the bum touch was in.

Oh well.