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Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Little toys for big boys

Kids these days are entitled little brats, there's no doubt about it. One of these days i'm going to get into a full on rant about those little entitled turds and how we should whip them and those assholes that are propogating entitlement into shape, perferably spilling a bit of blood on the way. But that rant is for later. Today, I'm talking toys.

I'm 29 years old, and everywhere I look kids these days are playing with bigger and better toys than I ever had. When I was a tot, I was peddling around on a second hand big wheels. Today, kids have motorized miniature cars. While todays kids are playing around with computer controlled gizmo's that enhance saftey, my old man gave me some feathers and tent spikes and told me to make lawn darts. While kids are playing around on computers that could process all the digital data of the entire planet of my day and age, I was off playing in salmonella and e.coli infested drainage ditches. Yes, kids today have it good.

Actually, on retrospect, nix that. I had freedoms that kids today don't. While kids have cell phones and GPS's and have adult escorts everywhere they go untill they're 16, my mom told me to come home for dinner when the street lights came on. Me and my little hooligan friends dissapeared for the day nary a worry and our moms KNEW we were coming home. Despite rolling around in muck, playing with sharp objects and taunting random large and mean looking dogs, we were none the worse for wear. Nobody worried about us getting raped or killed or tripping and skinning our knee. If we did our dad's would tell us to suck it up, it ain't that bad, or that'll learn ya. And it did learn us. If I was a kid growing up now, and I knew better, I'd trade all the high tech funky toys for that kind of freedom. You cannot put a price tag on freedom, and today's kids are among the most unlucky sorts. Over priviledged and low on life lessons. That's going to make for a huge generation of whiny asshole entitled adults that will grind our economy to a screeching halt. But again, I digress.

The reason for my post about toys is, well, I got one! I was in the store that shall not be named but is full of really fat stupid greedy people who just pack the aisles without any human regards buying all sorts of stuff they don't need from employee's who wear blue vests. I'm not going to name any names, but this is the most hellish of places. But they have good prices and i'm not made of fucking money, ok??????? Anywho, I was passing the toy aisle on my way to trying to find some fucking aluminum foil among acres and acres of useless crap when something caught my eye. Something that awoke my inner child and made my knees weak and my jaw drop. It was a little teeny tiny remote controlled helicopter.

My first thought, I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT! Come ON! It's got a motor, it's got a remote control, and it flies! This is like boner fest for boys! Growing up in the age of burdeoning electronics, I knew in the back of my head that this was probably one impulse item that I just couldn't justify. I mean, to get into radio controlled cars is expensive enough, but I always knew that helicopters and airplanes required rich people with lots of time. Who has either, really?

Then I saw the price. My jaw hit my toes and I started to drool. It was only $19.99. Twenty buckaroonies. Wow. I can afford it. There were only three left on the shelf. Quickly I stashed my other purchases in a safe place to pick them up for later and looked left, right, up and down to make sure there weren't any desparate christmas shoppers gunning for stocking stuffers for their entitled little shits. Just in case, I got my fist cocked, ready to plunge it into the jiggling chins of the average discount super store mom trying to steal my toy, the last one on the shelf by the time I vaulted over the body odour riddled sea of jiggling fat that is this blue vested store.

Luckily, nobody got hurt and I got my toy. Really, I just can't afford any more lawsuits.

So I got this thing home and ripped open the box. It's just so truly cool I cannot put it into words. Then I tried to fly the thing.

On the T.V. commercials they have these little 9 year old kids zipping these things around the house like friggin top gun. I turned it on and got it to spin around the table in such a fashion my dog thought it was a giant grasshopper and tried to eat it. I finally resorted to doing something no man likes to do, I opened the manual. As it turns out, cuz this is a cheap-o toy the controls only have a throttle and a yaw control, but no pitch. You can make it fly all right but you have to tim the thing with a control on the remote, and physically tweak the tail. Once you have it trimmed you have to get it into a turn to accellerate and the opposite way to decelerate, but it doesn't really say how to manueaver the thing at speed.

Oh yea, every time you smack into something you have to re trim the thing. You smack into things all the fucking time. Still, it's really, really fun. I managed to get the thing pretty level and hovering and I can sort of get it to wander around the room, in sort of the direction I want it to go, 60% of the time. And for some reason, I find myself giggling like a giddy school girl every time I play with the thing.

I hope one day soon to be able to control the thing like the kids on the commercial. Then I'll put a camera on it and fly it into the girls locker room. Maybe I should get one of those technologically superior entitled little child turds to teach me how to use the thing? I'll promise him a beer and a copy of the locker room DVD's!

Anyways, I encourage everybody to go out and get one of these things. It's an Airhog Havoc Heli and it's HELLA FUN! DO IT!!

12 keen observations:

Emmy said...

hey friend, it is so good to read and enjoy your blog once again it is so good to be back with mates again ;)

DrowseyMonkey said...

LOL...ahhh...I just wanna pinch your cheeks...the ones on your face that is. Nothing like an electronic toy to turn a grown man into a little cute.

As for the mini-rant about how kids don't have freedom...I read a great article in MacLeans called 'bubble wrapped kids' It's so true! We're creating a generation of scardy cats & winers! Wait..I'm a winer...well it was a good article anyway.

Mike said...

Hi Emmy, not sure where you went but good to see you back.

Yes, Drowsey, you are a winner, And today's children are whiners. Fat little whiners. Everywhere I look I see a fat little rolly polly turd sucking on some candy or other with a game boy or some such in one hand whining about something or other to his asshole parent who gives him another game and more candy to pacify the little turd who's attention span is getting shorter and shorter and... ok i'm done!

Hungry Mother said...

I suggest hiring a 9 year old to show you how to really fly that thing.

Your comments on the new generation of kids is full of good insights. I think the solution is to simplify things for the kids by taking away some of their freedom of choice and allowing them to be free to use their imaginations within a simpler context.

Unfortunately, the days of letting kids run free in the neighborhood are gone. It's very sad. I was allowed to roam around and to do all kinds of dangerous stuff as a kid. I remember crawling home a few times because I'd stepped on a nail in a construction site. I remember stuffing my mouth full of oleander leaves because I'd heard that they were poisonous. And on and on...

Cyberpunk said...

i hate the kids of today. they're spoiled, expensive, whiny, weak, and overly pampered. they're clueless without technology. and it annoys me when parents give in to their kids, instead of the kids following their parents...

we're basically the same age and i sometimes miss my childhood. back then, we were perfectly happy with a straw and some soapy water (blowing bubbles), a yoyo or a coloring book...

as for the helicopter, it's weird, when i was 11 i saw such a helicopter and begged to be bought begging didn't work of course :D

Mike said...

Hungry, I'm pretty sure you're much older than I am and we both had similar childhoods. So it's a fairly new and hopefully short lived phenomenon that's happening now. I wonder if there are more murderer's and rapists and child molesters or it's just a perception change?

Cyber, you're right on the money. Kids are too SO weak nowadays. My buddies 14 year old is about 6'2" now, 3-4" taller than me, anyways. But he's SO weak. I can out muscle him with ease cuz he just sits around playing games and eating chocolate. Dumb little kid can't even do a single pushup and he's PROUD of it! I'm twice his age and can do 50 pushups without a problem. Ugh, makes me sick.

Anonymous said...

It sounds like you and I had the same sort of childhood. Were you that weird little kid that we used to beat up whenever we would go to catch tadpoles? I thought I remembered you from somewhere!

Mike said...

Hi Mimzie!

You know, I DO remember you! You were the little asshole I used to beat up for beating up the weird little kids!

I remember pounding you asking you how you liked being picked on by someone stronger than you. I remember you crying too. Man, you broke really easy for a "tough guy".

Ahh, memories. By the way, you'd BETTER still be eating 2 tadpoles a day, or I'm coming to New York to bully you summore!

Oh, hey, after the bullying can we go to times square and the empire state building? Those are totally cool places!

DrowseyMonkey said...

Oh yeah, there's an "h" in whiner...well maybe the next generation will be better spellers. There's a ridiculous fear of child abduction out's making children paranoid and not very adventurous. Ah well, by the time they're running the world we'll all be dead anyway. That's the bright side.

Mike said...

Well, I don't think so Drowsey. I'll still be working when the whiny me me me entitlement generation takes the helm.

It's the generation that CREATED these assholes that'll be dead.

Once again, we're left to clean up our parents messes.

billymac said...

interesting rant about kiddies... I'm struggling with this now with small kids of my own. I remember using my imagination with a minimal amount of toys etc. Somehow we have to take it back.

AND, you and Mimzie should stop kicking the shit outta each other and eating tadpoles, it's not doing anybody any favors.

Mike said...

Billymac - yea, get it back down to basics and developing imaginations and problem solving skills - their IQ points will thank you for it.

Oh, and yes daddy, we'll stop fighting.