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Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Spazoid's Halloween Made Special

Well, it's that time of the year again. The only time of the year when you give out candy to kids and don't get arrested for it. Matter of fact, they come to your door BEGGING for it. I bet the pedophiles of this world think halloween is better than christmas.

I'm not a particularly big fan of halloween, because I think children are turds. Especially this generation of children. I live close to a school and i'm constantly cleaning up garbage strewn about by these little turds. The worst is that there is a KFC nearby and the turds just throw their chicken bones about on the grass, instead of throwing them in the garbage can like a normal respectful human being would do. So my dog can find them and try to choke to death on them. Nice. These children are all about ME ME ME ME ME, they have such a huge entitlement complex it's insane. They think everything comes to them for free and they deserve everything. This is the generation of children that we're raising, because everything has to be fair blah blah blah, and these entitled little turds are going to be the leaders of tomorrow. I can't wait to see them run the economy into the ground because of some retarded inverted communism where doctors make the same as janitors because it isn't fair that a doctor can drive a porche and a janitor can't. Sheesh.

So what do we do? Give em bags and bags full of free candy! Reward their entitlement! Blah!

I participate because if I don't my neighbors will think i'm some sort of jackass, well, more of a jackass then they already think that I am. So I hand out candy to these entitlement turds just like every other jackass.

Today, I picked up some candy to hand out. Guess what I saw? Guess guess guess guess!

The PEANUT LOVERS PACK! Seven dollars for 90 pieces of assorted Hershey chocolate, all containing peanuts! Oh joy!

Now we all know about this peanut bullshit going around, how everybody now a days is somehow deathly allergic to peanuts. It's to the point where some poor kid isn't even allowed to bring peanut butter to school. Fuck, he might eat the sandwich and breath on some other kid, causing the kid to die in an orgy of bloody spasms from the deathly peanut butter breath.

Normally, I get about 30 or 40 kids for halloween. This will be my third year and I'll probably get about the same. So, I think I'll treat kids this year. I bought three boxes of the peanut lovers pack of candy bars. I'm going to FILL each little turds bag with peanutty goodness! Oh joy!

I can imagine it now.

Little Billy: Oh boy mommy! Peanut butter O'Henry's!
Mommy: Sorry little Billy, we're going to have to throw those out because I believe your sister has peanut allergies because she once sneezed after sniffing some peanut butter in a seemingly related incident.

Little Suzy: Oh boy mommy! Can I take all these peanut butter cups in my lunch to school! I love them!
Mommy: Sorry little Suzy, we're going to have to throw those out, because the school won't allow you to come within a day of eating anything that contains peanuts.

Little Johnny: Wow! Chocolate covered peanuts! Daddy, i've just opened the package, want a few?
Daddy: Johnny! Those chocolate covered peanuts have PEANUTS IN THEM! You've TOUCHED THEM! Now get into the shower, full hot, and scrub yourself with a wire brush, NOW!

I am such a prick, and lovin' it!

9 keen observations:

Emmy said...

Great post, I had a blast reading this. :)

tanninety said...

Why do geeks find it hard to distinguish Halloween and X-Mas?

'coz OCT31 = DEC25

tsk tsk!

Sorry, had to get that out of my system.

Cyberpunk said...

hahaha i really really hate kids too. ack!

btw, did you change your feed or something? because i haven't been receiving your posts in the past week...anyway i'll just try resubscribing...

Cyberpunk said...

nevermind, i was using blogger's default feed. i've changed it to your feedburner feed, so things should be ok for me now.

Hungry Mother said...

For the past 12 years, I've skipped giving out candy on Halloween because I now live in a house at the end of a long, dark driveway. I don't think it's safe for kids to come down there in the dark and, to tell the truth, I don't really want any of the neighborhood kids on my property.

I hope the assignment statement in tanninety's post didn't alter the universe. We'll find out next year. Maybe Santa will show up for some candy.

Mike said...

Emmy - thanks for the compliment!

Tan - You rock :P

Cyber - yes, kids suck, sorry, I changed my feed to feedburner.

Hungry - Tan did change the universe.. well the one that operates entirely inside his own head :P

Anonymous said...

You have now officially won the "Best Blog of the Day" award. Enjoy it! You deserve it!

Just Sayin' said...

Wow! You are officially my hero!

It's like we're two halves of the same rotten decaying diseased brain...

Emmy said...

P.S I love peanuts!