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Saturday, March 1, 2008

Dealing with the Evangalistic Douchebag

Why do Christian Evangelists feel the need to make the second thing they say to you "have you let Jesus into your heart?" You know, if they took the time to know you better, they'd know the answer to that question. Don't they know that this falls into the same line as annoying as hell telemarketers trying to sell a shitty product or service? Why are they trying to cheapen their belief by becoming nothing more than a door to door crappy vacuum salesmen?

If they took the time to actually talk to me, they'd find out that I don't believe in their invisible sky fairy any more than I believe in any one else's invisible sky fairy. I don't try to proselytize any Christians into atheism, why should I? Your beliefs are your own and you are welcome to them. I don't want to push any thing onto anybody, I really, truly don't care if you believe in Jesus, or Allah, or some sort of magical purple unicorn that flies out of your ass every stinking night.

The funny thing is, if there was atheist evangelists, the religious evangelists would cry foul. THOSE ATHEISTS ARE DESCRIMINATORS! SUE THEM! ARREST THEM! STOP THEM! Seriously, try that with an evangelist and see how upset they get. I guess it's ok for them to do it to others, but turnabout isn't fair play. Do they not realize that by pushing your beliefs on others, it's the same as saying "you're an idiot for believing what you believe. Only our beliefs are correct, and you're going to hell." The hypocrisy some of these evangelists spout is thick and palatable.

Let's get one thing straight, evangelists. There is as much physical, empirical, and quantitative evidence for your invisible sky fairy as any one else's, and that evidence is NONE. No one living has seen your god, and those who have come from a thousands of years old book that has no historical backing. You heard me. Understand that the winners write the history books. The societies that have won the wars, that have taken dominance over the lands, these are the people who get their stories told. And these stories usually are extremely biased. Historians know this, so before something becomes historical fact, historians look for records of the same events from different societies. Preferably enemies of the winners. If the two more or less agree, it becomes fact.


Everything remains, your belief. So you see, EVERY religion is on a level playing field. Understand? I know you don't, Mr. Evangelist Douchebag, which is why I've scripted a response to you. Anyone who wants to use it, please feel free.

Evangelist Douche: Hello Mr. Spazoid, nice day isn't it.
Spazoid: Sure is, how are you today.
Evangelist Douche: Just fine, have you let Jesus into your heart?
Spazoid: No, but I let him into my trunk.
Evangelist Douche: Pardon?
Spazoid: Yea, when I was vacationing in Cozumel.
Evangelist Douche: I don't understand?
Spazoid: Yea, he wanted to get across the border, and I felt sorry for him. So I let him into my trunk to smuggle him across. The problem was, the retard made ALL sorts of noise at the border. Something about going to the bathroom. I left the guy an empty bottle back there to use, what the hell?
Evangelist Douche: Sir, I don't see how -
Spazoid: Yea, the border patrol had to arrest him. I had to act all "Holey shit! How the hell did he get in there!" to avoid getting arrested. Boy, was he was pissed!
Evangelist Douche: But you don't get it, I -
Spazoid: He wasn't nearly as pissed as the girl I was seeing at the time. That was her father! I didn't get laid for a month!
Evangelist Douche: *Stammering uncontrollably*
Spazoid: Are we done here? Get off my porch.

Good luck to all!

March 2, 2008 UPDATE!

To those who haven't seen this before, how'd you like this to come knocking at your door? And are you as disgusted as I am?


If you liked the above, you might also like:

The Douchebags
The commandments of Spazogod!
The absurdity of racism
Unconditional Love
The absurdity of homophobia

26 keen observations:

Hungry Mother said...

I think I would have put the girl in the trunk for future use. Have a little pity, it's hard to be a douchebag preacher and still have time to be intelligent.

Jillian said...

Haha... I believe in "spreading the word" but when someone tells you to leave them alone, you should respect that.

You should make up your own Bible and then quote scripture from it next time they bother you. LOL... I bet you'll have loads of fun.

Anonymous said...

Mike, only you can come up with shit like this. You already know my stance on this!

I am like Jillian I believe in Spreading the word but at the same time not forcing it on anyone!

By the way Mike, Your one of my boo's again! LOL!!


Mike said...

Hungry - it's the "short circuit" of religious intolerance that prevents any intelligent or rational thought.

Mike said...

Jillian - The positions you and single take are not the types I'm talking about - these are the types that unconsciously HATE everything that isn't like them, all the while spouting "love". Hypocrits.

Mike said...

Single - does that mean I get to see the whole HOT pony tail/hat thing?

Dawn said...

I don't believe in solicitation in any form... whether it's vacuum cleaners or religion... I'll be the one to decide my beliefs. I really don't need to be shown "the way"!

Jillian said...

Mike- You might be describing a particular someone in my family!

OK, that's mean. But seriously, my family is SUPER- Christian... Whenever I talk to or visit them, ack, it's so uncomfortable! I feel like a freakin alien. I much prefer my easy-going friends!

Hillary said...

When I was 8 we went to Disneyland. The doorman at our hotel was named Jesus. I'm still confused.
Thanks for the laugh :)

The Chronicles of a Fashionista in PDX said...

Very well said! I don't understand crazy Jesus freaks. I also don't think they understand Jesus either. If Jesus is about loving one another and treating everyone as an equal, then why do they hate people who are different? Baffling.

billymac said...

great post Mike..... and that video... talk about some "dark-sided" shit, that woman is a nightmare.

Jillian said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jillian said...

Whenever she says she's a warrior, I can't help but think of that song by "Scandal": "Shootin at the walls of heartache... bang! bang!... I am the warrior!"

Good grief she's awful... I saw the episode she was in, too!

I like how she took the money upon "further review". Hahaha.

Sorry, had to edit that last post. Grr!

Mike said...

Dawn - Amen, sister!

Jillian - that must make family dinners interesting. Tell me, is your husband atheist, another religion, or some other form of christian? And does your family member freak? That would be fun to watch!

Hilary - Oh, I guess Jesus did get to stay in the country after all.... just by forced labour at disney land.

Fashionista - there is very little that makes logical or rational sense about organized religion.

wookiemac - could you imagine someone like that in your family? I'd have them put down!

moooooog35 said...

The only time I remember doing something similar was as a teenager, and a few Jehovas' witnesses came to the door.

My mother answered.

As soon as my friend and I figured out they were JW's, we started running around the house screaming:

"It's more of them!! Get the knife!!"

They fled.

Anonymous said...

I think the dark side lady in the video should have her own reality show. Let HER go door-to-door and try to save souls but tape it all along. Wouldn't that be fun to watch?!

tanninety said...

It's the crowd that follows the teachings of Paul that have given up on law of non-contradiction and reason. If only they would invest the time blindly following Paul in understanding the original message of Christ they would be more like the one they claim to follow!

Tequila Mockingbird said...

i think that super hero guy has a FUPA aka GUNT. can guys have those?

you should totally dress up in purple spandex and take a pic for me. mmmm

Jillian said...

Mike- No, the H and I are the same religion. LOL... it's just that my family is too judgmental for my taste. His family is much more approachable and laid-back. Eh, it's a bit complicated I guess!

R.E.H. said...

The woman in that clip is going to haunt my sleep for the foreseeable future... thanks a lot ;)

I actually felt sorry for her family, especially the kids. I wonder what it was the husband was saying when they blurred his mouth... I think that would have been fun to hear ;)

Knight said...

I remember watching that show. I laughed so hard. It really proved a point.
I understand that people who are spreading the/a word are doing it out of love and fear so although I find it annoying and don't want to hear it I still nod and try not to curse.

Have you read "The God Delusion"? I recently started it and it's a great book. Sounds like you might enjoy it.

Mike said...

moooooog - you are welcome at my house ANYTIME.

Mimzie - start shooting!

Tan - there is nothing that is "loving" about these people

Tequila - I'm afraid I wouldn't have the same kind of camel toe as that guy! I have an OUTIE.

r.e.h - maybe "I want a divorce, you fat assed crazy bitch!"

Knight - I have the book but haven't read it yet. Life gets in the way. It's not a priority because I already agree with Mr. Dawkins ;)

tanninety said...

"The God Theory" by Astrophysicist Bernard Haisch and "The Language of God: A Scientist Presents Evidence for Belief" by Dr. Francis S. Collins a Biologist, human genome project lead, former atheist are a good read too while you are at it. Why only suck on the tit of the single side of the coin? ;)

IMO, Dawkins get as cookie as the next fundamentalist christian I have encountered. What contributions has he made to science in the past decade? Any peer reviewed publications? New discoveries or inventions may be? But then again to talk as if scientific method=atheism, so God doesn't exist is a sleigh of semantic hand. It comes down, "I define God doesn't exist, hence he doesn't exist".

In all seriousness, O RLY?

I miss our divinediscussions. sigh

/end rant

Mike said...


Ever noticed that the only argument theists come up with is for a God, not their god?

As in a christians argument can apply equally as well for any mono theistic religion?

Why do you think that is?

tanninety said...

Dude, that is a good issue you bring up and I have lately come to a similar conclusion. There is a slight objective (by inductive and deductive implicit reasoning) evidence for a God. This in no way validates any established religions, none of them. The evidence for religion is still 'personal experience' and out of the scope for empirical testing. So, to argue which religion is right is a futile epistemic battle.
Here in come the douche that you have aptly pointed out who think that the rest of us are wrong to even slightly believe in something different than what they do. To think that they have a supposedly infinite God all figured out in a book is the irony of religion. But hey, they provide pure comedy of great proportions with their fundamentalism. How awesome is this uber xtian woman who doesn't realize that gluttony is sin while criticizing everyone around her? I am sure she thanks God for all those 40 chicken wings in her bucket while condemning a sexy wiccan.

sweets said...

that you tube clip was unreal... those poor kids, that woman should be institutionalised... she is n~o~t a well puppy!