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Friday, April 4, 2008

Roadrage mother fucker!

My friend single had a bit of a problem with drivers it seems. Apparently, if she had a gun she would have killed a few people.

I feel her pain. Had I gotten out of my truck this week, there would have been two fat disgusting entitled "I'm always fucking right douchebag" type people dead from punch wounds to the head and/or front ass.

Case in point, take this first diagram.
As you can see, I'm waiting for the light to change to make a left turn. The light had just turned red when I pulled up. This fat disgusting soccer mom in a mini van decides to zoom out of the parking lot of the gas station, and block the lane right in front of a driving motorist so she can try to get in the tiny left turn lane behind me. There is no room behind me so she stays blocking the street. This motorist is trying to make a right turn.

Because it's such a small street, that light is really, really long.

The person wanting to make a right turn honks the horn, hoping she'll back up so the nose of her van is parallel with the curb (like any reasonable person would
do, waiting their turn until traffic clears) so he can continue on the road and make his right turn. He does have the right of way.

The window of the fat disgusting soccer mom's van opens, and a disgusting fat flabby arm creaks out of the window, and just after her arm fat hits the windowsill of the van, she extends a flabby greasy short stump of a finger showing him she wants to make a left turn when the light changes. Her arm looked exactly like this:

That's not actually a tattoo, folks. It's an amazing coincidence of clogged arteries and varicose veins that look like a McDonalds Tattoo.

Fat disgusting soccer mom believes she owns the road so that she can block traffic for a full two minutes.


I wanted to fucking kill her.

That didn't piss me off as much as this incident did, which happ
ened the other day. I was coming back from a walk by the river with Jinx and I stopped to get some gas. I then tried to leave the parking lot, using the right side of the exit to the street like any rational person would. What I didn't count on was cunt licking disgusting fatty with eight chins, who owned the ENTIRE FUCKING CITY.

Let's look at the diagram, shall we?
Apparently cuntlicking fatty can't follow the rules. She comes in on the right, I leave on the right, everybody has room to maneuver, courtesy is extended to all. Instead, she burns right into the parking lot at an angle, line of site to the gas station, causing me to slam on my breaks lest she crumple my drivers side bumper. Then, because this disgusting fat eight chinned troglodyte thinks she owns the city, she looks at me and starts shaking her head at me as if I just raped her first born.

Of course, this head shaking causes a cascade reaction among her chins, making them sway back and forth until the whole car was violently shaking from the momentum. I managed to snap a shot of her disgusting jowls just before the shaking started.
When I rule the world, any sort of entitlement, especially road entitlement, will be punishable by death.

-nuff said.

=========

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Fucking rant, mother fucker!
Dangerous Canadian Animals
The Gym Douche
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Barnyard Addition


17 keen observations:

Single In The City said...

Hey Boo! I have some serious road rage!! I mean I feel like getting out of my car and opening fire on the whole freaking interstate!

But I don't want the death penalty LOL!!

That soccer mom would have got it tho.. I don't like waiting for the light to change first of all and then by the time she gets out of the turning lane the light is red again.. can you say Louisville Slugger all over her ass? LOL!!

Thank G-D I do not travel with a gun it would be all over Mike you would see me on CNN, I have a feeling I will see you on there soon also!!

WE NEED ANGER MANAGEMENT!!!

Toodles
S.

Meghan said...

Road rage like shaking a fist or flipping the bird is passive aggresive. Road-I'm-gonna-kill-you-and-chop-off-your-head-and-shove-it-up-your-ass-you-cocksuckingmotherfuckingdirtypiratehookertwatfacedcunt is far better.

Kerstin said...

Road rage. It ain't for sissy's.

Jillian said...

So are the fat guys just not driving?

R.E.H. said...

I love your diagrams when you do these road rage posts... they always make me laugh whole heartedly... I can feel your pain! ;)

Mike said...

Single - DON'T BUY A GUN!

Meghan - I bet you can't wait to get a car, eh?

Kerstin - You got that right.

Mike said...

Jillian - in answer to your question, 90% of my city is morbidly obese. So the chances of having a run in with one is high.

Also, the men do stupid stuff while moving, while the women tend to do the dumb shit when staying still or going slow.

I dunno why, but that's the way it is.

I have a hard time doing diagrams at high speeds. When I figgure it out I'll do one on a fat guy!

r.e.h. - thanks! I did another one as my last one was well received!

Hungry Mother said...

I feel your pain. My wife says I have turrette's whenever I drive because the F-bombs keep coming faster than a B-52 rain on Hanoi as I comment on all of the shitheads in vehicles around me.

billymac said...

you should run for sheriff of your town... then you crack some soccer mom skulls, legally

Iron Pugilist said...

Damn it Mike! Damn it! I was supposed to skip gym because I was tired!

*grabs gym bag*

Single In The City said...

Hey babe Too Late I already own one but it does not leave my house! I want to stay protected!!

I will not pack it in my car!! I Promise!!

moooooog35 said...

Dude. You have some cool gas stations in your town.

I can't get a cock sucking at my gas station.

Only a Slurpee.

Tink said...

I commute a total of 10 hours a week. The stories I could tell you about assholes on the road. It's a good thing I don't own a gun... or have the ability to aim. ;)

LOVE the diagrams.

Mimzie said...

Deep breaths, honey. Deep breaths.

The Chronicles of a Fashionista in PDX said...

How come all the craptastic drivers in your town are fat whore douchebags? Is it a coincidence that they're fat whore douchebags? Maybe they think they own the city roads because they're so big...

:)

Tequila Mockingbird said...

id appreciate if you didnt describe this beast as a "cuntlicking fatty"... as someone who licks cunt upon occasion, i feel dishonored with your usage of this adjective.

now, if you called her a "whore-ass gigantoblob" or a "SkeezeWeasel cunt-o-bitch" or a "nobgobbling shitcooch"... those would all be acceptable.

Knight said...

Funny, I'm starting to get the impression you're not really into fat chicks. I could be wrong. It's just a sense I'm getting.