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Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Fucking rant, mother fucker!

I need to blow off a little steam.

After work today, I took the pup to the park. On the way home, I decided to go to the grocery store to get some food. I turn into the grocery store parking lot and what do I see? A fucking douchebag in a piece of shit Taurus wagon blocking BOTH lan
es of traffic, waiting for someone to back out of a spot. Lets look at the illustration, shall we?
I wait for what seems like an eternity (about 20 seconds) and then decide I've had enough and pull past these douches and into a spot. The douche pulls into a spot just ahead of me, and gives me a glance. You know the glance. The glance of road rage. The glance that means "what the hell did you do that for, you IN THE WRONG ASSHOLE".

I shoot her the same look back, turn off the truck, tell Jinx I'd be right back and proceed to the store.

Both the drivers side door and the passenger side door fly open and out get a pair of the fattest, ugliest, greasiest, bull dyke lesbians I have EVER seen in my life! They have NO redeeming qualities about them WHATSOEVER. They aren't even worth a cheap threesome after getting drunk. There is no amount of beer on this planet!

The uglier, fatter passenger cranks open her maw. I swear I catch a whiff of rotten tuna when I hear her say "that was fucking ignorant!"

So I look at her and say "WHAT"

After four or five seconds of cud chewing, she replies, "That was just ignorant! You saw us waiting for that space and you WHIPPED around us and took it!"

And I looked at her again and said "WHAT"

She took a moment to scratch at her udders with her hind paw and said "You heard me, that was plain ignorant!'

I hadn't stopped walking towards the store, and both of them were waddling as fast as their fat little legs could carry them to keep up. I had thought about going a little faster, but I heard that people that grossly and morbidly obese could break bones if they went too fast.

At this point we were in the store.

Once more she opened her greasy, disgusting pimple covered maw and said "YOU'RE IGNORANT! YOU JUST WHIPPED AROUND US AND TOOK OUR SPOT!"

I stopped, turned around and looked at IT straight in ITS bovine eyes and said "First off, I didn't whip around you. I waited behind you for almost a minute. Secondly, you know what's fucking ignorant? Blocking both directions of traffic."

She opened her maw again, and before she could utter a single moo I said "NOW FUCK OFF!"

Her eyes glazed over, she turned back to her partner and they both waddled away, leaving me to shop in peace. I finished up my shopping, and paid for my purchases. As I was leaving the cash register, I saw them both down the aisle. I looked at them, and they didn't make eye contact. They moved away and I continued on my way, got into the truck and went home to make my dinner.

Here's the thing. Had they first approached me with their concerns in a decent manner, I would have reciprocated in kind. They were at fault, as was I. We were both guilty of road rage. I'm a reasonable guy, but when presented with bullshit anger (depending on the situation) I will tell you exactly where to go.

In this case, they found out that, yes, they were blocking two lanes of traffic and were being indecisive about their actions. Because of their own ignorance, they were stalling everyone else trying to get in and out of that parking lot. Everyone is human, everyone makes mistakes. If she wanted to have a civil conversation, she would have found out she was blocking two lanes of traffic. She would have apologized, and I would have apologized, and we all would have gotten on with our day. Instead, she found out that she was being a douchebag by yelling at somebody, and having somebody bigger, meaner, and louder give it right back to her.

I didn't like what happened. I didn't like my reaction. I don't feel good about what I did, what I said, or how I reacted. However, she did have it coming to her, and I hope she feels like a fucking heel.

Rant over.

=======

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Get off the road, you blue haired dolt!
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22 keen observations:

The Chronicles of a Fashionista in PDX said...

Well the fat ass douches deserved it.

But, yeah... it does suck to feel a little remorse afterwards... ;-(

Mike said...

Fashionista, you fucking rock.

Have I told you about that yet?

You are too fucking right, it DOES feel shitty to have remorse afterwards. I guess I'm not a true sociopath.. yet ;)

just me said...

I see one of your labels is "women are weird"

...not all of us are psychotic drivers who love the word 'ignorant'.


...I fully admit I can't drive.

Single In The City said...

Hey Boo! I agree she should have not stepped to you like that and she would not have got the Pissed Off Mike.

She better have been glad it was a man she stepped to that did not hit, I would have bitch slapped her where she stood and kept it moving!

I am a road rage person also! You and I would have been outside the parking lot for along time fussing, then we would have...... Nevermind!! LOL!

Single!

p.s. I cannot back it up that is why I shut up! LOL!

Meghan said...

Bad douchebags! Very bad douchebags! No twinkies for you!

Nah but I'd be pissed off too. Road rage is a calling for some.

Jillian said...

A) I freakin LOVE you have a diagram. Haha, who does that?

B) My favorite line: "The uglier, fatter passenger cranks open her maw."

Haha, I fucking hate bad drivers. Don't they know we have somewhere to be? I never have to actually get in confrontations though, I leave that to the H. I swear one of these days he's going to get us shot.

Mike said...

just me - what is it they say? Men are from Mars, women don't suck penis? Something like that?

If you don't drive NYC is a good place for you! I hear you DON'T need to.

single - I wouldn't have hit either of those things - their zits would have popped all over my fist and I'm just not into that.

meghan - Actually, looking at them, I think they were going to buy more twinkies. After all, it is mid month, welfare cheques came in.

Jillian - if we ever hang out, and this kind of shit happens, me and H will most likely escalate it into a store wide bench clearing brawl. 'Just sayin.

new york dactyl said...

my favorite part of this tale is really the fact that you bothered to draw a diagram for us.

which is awesome, btw.

Mimzie said...

Stupid fucking women drivers!

moooooog35 said...

This same thing happened to me.

Except they were lipstick lesbians.

...And we end up in a wicked threesome.

Wait...wait...

Nevermind.

That was something I watched on Cinemax "After Dark."

Dammit.

Anyway - you did the right thing. I applaud you.

See ya later...I'm going to watch Cinemax.

The Divine Miss M said...

Nice.

Sounds like you were having a bad day.

I've never "stolen" someone elses bay, I'm too scared they'll be some sort of bat wielding freak.

Oh wait, that's me.

Lakota KickAss said...

let me shoot the douchebags, please?





pretty please?
cherry on top?
i need to vent.

Knight said...

I have not had a car in over six years but what used to be my road rage has turned into subway rage which is far scarier. Every time you get angry at another passenger for blocking the way or shoving or something you start to scream and then you are right in each other's face. I'm always afraid someone will shove me into an approaching train. I never feel guilty though. Hmm...

Knight said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Crystal Bell said...

I'm glad that I live in the south,people her are so friendly,polite and have good such manners.

Anyway,I just park furthest from the place of business that I am going to.Nobody wants to walk that far,but I eagerly do,as I want be hitting cars left an right nor will is there any competition for parking space.

Have a good day Mike!That's what I tell the workers at the registers too,if they don't tell me first,and I believe it and eagerly receive it when they do.

Hillary said...

I love that your rant is accompanied by a diagram. It makes your rant more powerful. Now I regret not having a diagram on my rant. It feels inadequate now. Like it's not really a rant. Rant-lite maybe.

billymac said...

i too enjoyed the diagram with the "fucking store" and "fucking street"... can you draw a map to my house that we can send to my family?

Mike said...

dactyl - I felt I needed to mothefucking show the fucking situation in a fucking graphic! :P

mimzie - you are a woman of understanding.

miss M - Canada has a lack of handguns that makes me bolder than I would be anywhere else

moooooog - if they were lipstick lesbians I would have been a tad nicer. I would have beat them with my dick instead of my words

Lakota - you may drop kick them, and then you may come over to my place for additional venting.

Knight - subway rage? I always thought that new york people pee'd on each other in the subways. I've never seen it, but I was in NYC once and every single subway smelled like urine.

crystal - the frightening spirit of entitlement is taking over the entire first world, making people more vocal in their "rights"

hillary -if you do have a diagram, make sure you colour the pee yellow and draw your boyfriend as a fat lazy slob with a wifebeater

Billymac - send me an email with some "information fodder" and I'll draw you a motherfucking map!

Dawn said...

woo hoo! I love a good rant... and man do you know how to rant!!!

Tequila Mockingbird said...

i like to throw food at people. one time these old bastards were blocking the entire road gawking at xmas lights, so i threw a handful of chicken and yellow rice on their buick lesabre. they moved out of the way with the quickness.

Lakota KickAss said...

you're so good to me, Mike.
Twitching my hips as I saunter closer in these dumbass five inch heels. ~kisses~

R.E.H. said...

Thank you, Mike.

Yes I say thank you because this post really lifted my spirits and sent me into a healthy fit of laughter.

Especially that illustration - that is one of the funniest things I've seen in a while ;)

Road rage is always fun when it happens to others. Not so much when you're the one being P.O.'d.