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Thursday, November 8, 2007

CSI Brantford

I live in Brantford, a small, whitey WASPY town in the middle of Ontario's green belt. In every way, Brantford is the backwards, sloppy idiot town akin to the United State's deep south, except we don't have inbreeding and most of us have all our teeth and don't own stills in the bush.

The other night I was watching CSI New York. These guys are friggin amazing! Obviously, New York City is going to have one hell of a budget to buy the best of the best of equipment, and hire the best of the best of forensic scientists for cops. Yes, I know it's a show, but there is probably some truth reflected in what they show on T.V., with it being a huge money making city.

These guys extract finger prints from every conceivable space, DNA from such obscure items as gum and 2 year old dried up invisible spit stains. They derive evidence from a dropped bird feather and a tiny piece of rubber embedded into a victims scrotum. Enough evidence to not only conclusively prove who the killer is, but to make him confess in a blubbery emotional outburst towards the end of the show.

Oh, and before I go on I'd just like to say Anna Belknap is really, really hot. I don't know why, but that is just my type of chick!

Anyways, This got me to thinking. What would a CSI investigation be like in my small town of Brantford? I'm sure the forensics budget is low and we already know all the best forensic scientists go to CSI NY and Miami and the such.

With that in mind, I betting a Brantford murder investigation might go like this:

Detective 1: What do we have here?
Detective 2: It's horrible. It looks like he choked to death.
Detective 1: On what?
Detective 2: (pulls out an item from the victims throat) Umm, zig zags and a welfare stub
Detective 1: Hang on, let me go put on some stomping Tom while we investigate.
Detective 2: WTF??????
Detective 1: I saw it on CSI. Their forensics guys always figgure out really tough things while music is playing in a really quick way.
Detective 2: (rolls eyes) Ok, the victim has no I.D., looks to be in his late 30's, huge beer gut, hasn't showered in days, has a mullet, and is wearing swim trunks, flip flops and a stained wife beater. I don't recognize the face because it's too swelled from a herpes outbreak.
Detective 1: Shit, no I.D., he could be ANYBODY in this town!
Detective 2: Wait, I found keys to an 80's style camaro
Detective 1: Earl, start narrowing it down already!
Detective 2: Wait, wait, I think I found something
Detective 1: What is it?
Detective 2: Look, it's crumbs from a mostly eaten Tim Hortons french cruller. Only one person in this town eats those!
Detective 1 & 2 together: CHARLENE!
Detective 1: Looks like we got ourselves a crime of passion. Let's go talk to Charlene.
Detective 2: She could be anywhere!
Detective 1: I'll go to the casino, you start checking out the McDonalds. We're bound to find her.

Boy, I hope I don't die of criminal causes, and if I do, I hope it's in New York, so the cast of CSI can find the real killer in less than an hour's time.

9 keen observations:

Hungry Mother said...

You reminded me of Tim Horton's. Now I'm hungry. Too bad you don't have the ingbreeding, it's so cool looking at some of my neighbors who all have different last names since nobody gets married, but all look alike since they're mating with cousins or better. Very funny post.

mimzie said...

First of all, I'm from the South and I'm TOTALLY normal. Well, sort of.

Secondly, your interpretation sounds like a scene from Twin Peaks. Did you ever see that show? I miss that show.

Mike said...

Where are you from Hungry? Tim Hortons only go down to Buffalo, or am I wrong? Also, we have a different breeding problem here. All the idiot girls on welfare have lots of babies with lots of different fathers, because if they don't know who the fathers are they get more money from the government for every baby they have. And we all wonder why our taxes are 53% of our yearly salary?

Mimzie, you are so NOT normal, but in a good way ;)

Twin Peaks? Show? Are you talking about your buddy H or whatever that's into strippers?

billymac said...

"zig zags and a welfare stub"...

lol...

Mike said...

billy, just spouting the truth ;)

DrowseyMonkey said...

Obviously you've never travelled to the Maritimes. I can say that 'cause I'm from there.

Anyway...those CSI shows drive me crazy...the music...the long stares at really gross stuff and the camera pans it and then inside it...LOL

(I'm talking about you in my post today, btw.)

Hungry Mother said...

Mike: I'm from the Jersey Shore, but try to make a yearly visit to Maine, where Tim Hortons abound.

Mike said...

Drowsey: Yup, I know all about them maritimers, lord tunderin by! Thanks for mentioning me btw!

Hungry: Opening a tim hortons in Brantford is a guaranteed thing. There are TWO places in our town where there is a tim hortons right across the street from another tim hortons. No shit.

Cyberpunk said...

i actually considered being a forensic chemist during my senior year in high school...glad i didn't go through with it :D

btw, the way you talk about your place gives me Northern Exposure (the show) vibes but I'm not sure why...