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Thursday, December 27, 2007

What NOT to say to a Woman.

If you're male, and anything like me, over the years you'll have experienced exactly how different woman are than you. It's not just that they have different genitals, or boobs (some men have those too, GROSS!), they THINK differently too.

You have to be careful as to what you say to a woman. She may take it in a way completely different to how you mean, in ways you have not even dreamed of! And, as many experienced men know, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

With that in mind, here are some things that you do NOT say to or near a woman.

  • Hey you! (YOU is offensive. It should be her name, or Miss. Anything else means you are evil).
  • Excuse me, Miss? No not you, the fat one.
  • Hey! Those new pants TOTALLY cover your front butt!
  • Nice perm! I had one of those in the 80's when I was going through my Bon Jovi phase!
  • Son, if you eat your vegetables, you'll be able to grow a cool mustache just like her!
  • Hey lady! Next time you cut one of those you SO need to light it!
  • Yea, you look pretty good for your age.
  • Takes a lot of guts for a lady like you to wear THAT.
  • That's your MOM? I thought it was your sister!
  • Oh. That's your make up? I thought you were on your way to clown college.
  • I see your point, but THIS cream takes care of cellulite too!
  • Listen, lets just buy you an extra ticket, I KNOW the airline will make you anyways.
  • I think your unibrow is sexy!
  • Hey! Did you know that when you laugh your second chin overlaps your third?
  • I appreciate your trying to look sexy, but when you wear a G-String it looks like a walrus flossing
  • Hold your own damned purse, OK?
  • We have a lot of bills, do you really think you need another pair of shoes?
  • You're pregnant? Six months? Really? I couldn't tell!
  • Is that a gray hair?
  • I think the dryer is running hot, cuz all your clothes seem to be shrinking lately.
  • What anniversary?
  • Would you ladies shut up already! Sounds like a thousand geese having an orgy in there!
  • You know, women with kankles shouldn't wear high heels.
  • Get me a beer ok?
  • Your sister is WAY hotter than you!
  • Oh, by the way, my ex girlfriend is coming over for dinner tonight.
And the number one thing you should never say to a woman is.....
  • No.
I hope my knowledge and experience has helped you today, and may the wrath you incur from women be slight and infrequent. Amen.

16 keen observations:

tanninety said...

"And the number one thing you should never say to a woman is.....

* No."

Woman: Do these pants make my butt look big?
Spaz: Yes
Tan: Bwahahahhahah! ;)

Great list, luv'd the second chin overlapping the thrid chin.

billymac said...

Billymac moves clear of what is certain to be a grease spot where Mike used to be...

billymac said...

AND, funny stuff, you're still dead, but I'm laughing.

Mike said...

Yea tan, you caught me. I once answer ed that question incorrectly.

Billy: Better not let the woman who just turned me into a giant grease spot catch you laughing, otherwise there will be two big grease spots.

"WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT!" is so common, I'm surprised Billy didn't know about it! :P

Jay Cam said...

dang! i used that "unibrow" one a lot...

no? wow life is going to be hard now.
: )

Hungry Mother said...

I found that whistling for one like for a dog doesn't work well either.

I've gotten a lot of mileage out of ignoring whatever they're saying and just muttering, "Whatever you say, dear." every couple of minutes.

In general, women have no sense of humor about most things that men do or want to do.

Mike said...

Jay, even if she has a unibrow, you have to pretend like she doesn't, even if it IS sexy.

Hungry - spoken like a man of true experience.

Real Live Lesbian said...

Don't forget:

You don't seem to sweat much for a fat girl!

That always pisses 'em off! ;)

Mike said...

RLL - You are a woman that likes women. I will defer to you as the penultimate expert on this subject! :P

Anonymous said...

Well, Mike, you've fallen a little short on this one. I can't imagine saying half those things to anyone--man, woman, genderqueer, whatever.

Also, just wondering: Have you ever been in a situation in which a woman has said something to you and you've taken it in a way which she didn't mean and which she couldn't even fathom?

Your Loving Sister

DrowseyMonkey said...

I'm with your sister on this one dude.

Something you should never say to a man? "That's okay honey...it happens to all men."

Mike said...

Ms. Feminazi

This is a humour blog and should be taken as such unless otherwise noted.

-Brother

Drowsey - HAHA! Nice one!

moooooog35 said...

Here's one:

"When are you due?"

Usually, the woman is not pregnant when you ask this.

This is also the reason why I limp.

Mike said...

ouch! Why do us men have to learn the hard way?

Anonymous said...

Yes, I know it's a humur blog. I didn't find this one particularly funny, and it has nothing to do with being a "feminazi" as you put it. I just thought this one fell a little flat.

Just personal preference, I suppose.

Your Sister

Cyberpunk said...

haha loved that one with the bon jovi reference...

oh come your sister, lighten up ;)