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Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Revenge of the Aussie

Last Friday, I had the dubious honour of dinner with family friends. Staying with these friends are two lovely young exchange students, one from Venezuela and one from Australia.

Since my Spanish is as good as my Martian, I elected not to pick on the girl from Venezuala. She might weigh 100 lbs, but I have a feeling she'd be able to Judo my ass into next week. Instead, I asked another Aussie, Miss Milk, about things that I shouldn't (should, hehehe) say to Australians. Miss Milk was nice enough to dedicate an entire blog to it, which you can read here.

Spazoid: So, Miss Aussie, I know someone who's an Australian and...
Miss Aussie rolls eyes

Anyways, she said that there's a word that
Miss Aussie pulls out a dagger
Spazoid: ...that might mean

Miss Aussie pulls back her jacket to reveal fully loaded .45
Spazoid: something different to you than it d
oes to us.
Miss Aussie: What's that?
Spazoid: Fanny pack?

Miss Aussie: Never heard of it.

Thanks Miss Milk!

So instead I did a horrible impression of the crocodile hunter and she told me I sounded British. Figures.

I thought it was over. Miss Aussie had other plans. Later on in the evening, she went to her room and brought back something called vegemite. I've heard of it before, but only in passing. Apparently, vegemite is an Australian staple, something like peanut butter is here.

Let me assure you folks, it was NOTHING like peanut butter. NOTHING. Have a look:

We have something similar here in Canada. It's called AXLE GREASE. That's about the colour and consistency of this stuff. It also smells like death.

The Australians spread it thinly over large hunks of bread and pile che
ese on top of it to hide the god aweful smell and flavour of this stuff. I didn't know that. All I remember is Miss Aussie handing me a small spoonful of it to try.

Being the guy I am, I shoved it in my mouth. I went
through three different stages of reactions as three separate tastes bombarded my mouth.

Stage one: Salt.
Stage two: The taste of deathStage three: The aftertaste that wants to party past closing time.
After a gallon of water and the iron will not to projectile vomit the contents of my dinner all over Miss Aussies nice clean white sweater, the taste finally went away. I thought that the vegemite was done with me. I was wrong.

See, vegemite is not food. Vegemite is the result of a yeast
culture. That's right people, vegemite is plain, pure, simple, unadulterated micro-organism. Let me tell you, it's one hell of a STRONG micro-organism too. The vegemite goal was control over my small intestine, and they were determined to oust the e.coli that resided there. Unknown to me, the battle raged between two strong opponents, pictured below.

The battlefield was my small intestine. As with any war, there was collateral damage to the war field.

When I woke up the next morning, my sphincter was on FIRE! I thought it was because of the unusually large and rich meal I had the night before. I ran to the bathroom and several kilos of raging hot lava erupted into the porcelain bowl, registering somewhere between a fat peoples Pilate's class and Godzilla on the Richter scale.

I thought it was over. The vegemite had other ideas.

I had to drive into the big city that day. I'm the best man in a friends wedding, and we were going to get fitted for tuxedo's. I was to meet him at his house by 9 am. The drive was about an hours long, and half way through my gut started to gurgle.

Gurgle gurgle gurgle. And my foot pressed the accelerator. The speedometer read 110.

Gurgle gurgle gurgle. 115.

Gurgle gurgle. 120.

I got to his house a full half hour earlier than was expected.

Spazoid: Rings doorbell.
Spazoid: Rings door bell again.
Spazoid: Frantically pounds on the door.
Friends finance: You're early! We're still sleeping! Come back later!
Spazoid: Pounding on the door hard enough to make the brick walls buckle
Friend: Opens door... Hey Buddy! Glad you could....
Spazoid: NO TIME!
Friend: Nodding knowingly I'll go get the Lysol air spray. Tp's under the sink.

In the end, the battle raged until Monday. The vegemites put up a fierce battle, but one of their own, a disgruntled traitor that was tired of tasting like death, showed my army of E.Coli another path through the spleen. In the end, the mighty vegemite was defeated, but not before costing me $83.00 in toilet paper.

The moral of the story? If you annoy a teenaged Australian girl, don't accept any food from her.


If you liked the above, you may also like:

Barnyard Addition
Passover by the Jewish Asshole Atheist
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Situational Acceptability
Poo Coffee

23 keen observations:

Jillian said...

LOL. That stuff looks nasty. Of course with a name like "Vegemite" I wouldn't have tried it in the first place.

Miss Milk said...

Yeah I don't like it much either. But everybody else eats it and loves it.
We have roughly the same reaction to "peanut butter and jelly" (which is called JAM, not jelly, grr) that you do to Vegemite. That, my friend, is disgusting. I doubt all your digestive problems were Vegemite related. Maybe you're just weak.

She may have said "never heard of them" to fanny packs, but in her head she was picturing a vagina bag.

You should have asked her about drop bears. You missed out.

And pissing her off? Well, I did warn you not to bring up any of the stereotypes...

Anonymous said...

Mike, That shit is ummm Yeah really nasty looking I agree with Jillian on that! YOU pissed someone off? Oh Not you! LOL!!

Have a great!


Tequila Mockingbird said...

are you sure your sphincter wasnt on fire because the foreign girls put stuff up there when you passed out?

moooooog35 said...


I've been battling a similar bout of explosive diarrhea for about a week now.

At one point last night, I swear I expelled a lung out my ass.

I don't recall having Vegemite, though.

Axle grease, yes...Vegemite, no.

Mike said...

Jillian - I won't ever try it again.

miss milk - Peanuts are food. Vegemite is micro-organisms. People don't eat micro organisms alone. People eat food.

Also, what exactly is a vagina bag? Is that when you kick a girl in the muff?

Single - hard to picture me as offensive eh?

tequila - I don't hoop foreign girls!

moooog - maybe we're mentally connected at the ass?

Anonymous said...

I went to Wiki to read about Vegemite. I've heard about it all my life but never really knew what it was. I miss those days. Now I know that it's a jar of toe jam, fumunda and salt. Or at least that's the way it sounds. No thank you!

Tequila Mockingbird said...


R.E.H. said...

Thank you for making me laugh! I needed that badly - and this was definitely one of the funniest posts I've read in a long time!

I've also heard of Vegemite, and was curious to try it... up until now. I'm staying the heck away from that vile stuff!

Lakota said...

What the hell is it with all the shitty topics lately, here and at Moogi's? Even so, vast improvement over the last post. I endorse this post. ~grin~

Mike said...

Mimzie - feed this stuff to your worst enemy.

Tequila - you're foreign and I didn't hoop you!

R.E.H. - thank you for the support. I spend much time on this and it's not been well received so far ;)

Lakota - can't be on my game all the time. Same reason why you don't post your boobies every single day... eventually, people would have enough.

Well, not me, but people ;)

Meghan said...

Friends don't let friends eat vegemite.

Miss Milk said...

There's no such thing as a vagina bag! That's why it's so weird for you lot to walk around saying you wear fanny packs! We think, you wear vagina bags? Whaaaaaaaaat?!

I resent all this Vegemite knocking. Yes it looks like axle grease and is quite salty, but you're not supposed to shove a whole spoonful down your gut! We spread it *thinly* for a reason.

Mike said...

meghan - yes, you are correct.

miss milk - I'm sorry that you resent vegemite knocking. If I were an Australian I'd feel different I'm sure.

The plain fact remains, it is the most horrible, vile, disgusting thing I have ever tasted.

I have an iron gut, and this stuff almost made me puke.

Next to nothing makes me puke.

I'm sorry, vegemite is the grossest stuff on the face of the planet.

The Chronicles of a Fashionista in PDX said...

Ew! No Vegamite for me, but it also sounded like you had food poison.. double EW!!

Iron Pugilist said...

I'd only eat it if I had nothing to make packed lunches with. I never liked it, but I've had worse stuff. Try putting it in an avocado sandwich.

Hungry Mother said...

I tried it once. I have a feeling that I'm not alone.

Knight said...

Maybe the chick just poisoned you for her own amusement. Vegemite can be okay if used very, very sparingly in intricate recipes. Sort of like, don't drink a bottle of vanilla extract.

Tink said...

Thanks for being the guinea pig. Now I will know NEVER to try vegemite. Bleh.

C.Rag said...

I would rather get to know foreignors from movies. That's why when I think of Aussies I think of the best Aussie movie ever, BMX Bandits.

billymac said...

vegemite is real? i thought it was an urban legend spawned from that shitty song in the '80's...

Jo said...

I came in at just the right post, that was craptastic! The caption about your less gay e.coli killed me LOL!

Some of our Brit relatives swear by vegemite...and since they also enjoy blood sausage & clotted cream, I know not to try to stuff.

Was it spicy? Is that why you got hot-dot? Really, why am I asking you things I don't want to know.

catscratch diva said...

I flat refused to put that stuff in my mouth. I couldn't get past the whole sludge thing.

After your account of the battlefield, I'm 110% thrilled that I looked like the closed-minded bitch that I really am when it was offered to me =)