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Friday, April 25, 2008

Those pervert google keywords

Once again, I've delved into my google analytics account, and dredged through some of the keyword combinations that make it to my blog.

Folks, there are some very, very disturbed and perverted folks out there. Seriously disturbed and perverted.

So, for your reading pleasure, I've decided to share with you my top ten perverted google keywords that make it to my blog! In no particular order:

1.Anal Probing Female

This guy is pretty much completely sexually confused. He likes it up the arse like a gay guy would but he wants a woman to do it. I'm just assuming it's a man.... if its a woman, she's equally confused. Here's a tip: canvass the U.S./American border. Take note of the duty roster for those who do strip searches. When it's a female on duty, drive to the border with tan, beard, turban, smoking a joint while screaming AAEEIIIIII LALALALALALLALA! I guarantee you'll get anally probed.

2.Coffee Bean in Poo

I'm pretty sure that this is coming from fecal Japan. Enuff said.

3.Colon Hydrotherapy Deaths

If you're so convinced that you're going to die from having water squirted up your bum to research it, then you really, really shouldn't go. Remember the Spazoid advice: That hole is exit only.

4.Space Poo

Yup, it floats.

5.fat belly & body type & arrestable

I didn't realize having a particular body type is an arrestable offence. I bet anyone here 10 bucks that the guy who did this search is an owner of an all you can eat buffet.

6.Some people think I'm a beaver

Put down the stick, cut off the tail, and shave your body.

7.Anal probing in babies

I hope to HELL that this is some curious space aliens. If not, somebody call the cops.

8.Benefits of cunt licking

Well, big fella, there's lots. She'll stop nagging for a while. She'll cook you dinner. She'll do your laundry. She might even reciprocate! What I'm saying is, lick like you've never licked before and you just can't go wrong. Never mind the aftertaste. You'll get used to it.

9.Coffee up the bum

Wrong orifice, IDIOT!

10. Cool kids fags

Yea, I said this all throughout high school. Yea, that's ok. The cool kids are a bunch of fags anyways!


11. First fag why does my throat hurt

I'm not particularly experienced in this department, but I've discussed the semantics with a female co worker. She says you're taking too much, just ease back a bit, big fella.

There's lots and lots more. LOTS! And they get WORSE. I can't wait to share them with you.

Until then -


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20 keen observations:

Hillary said...

So random. I think my favourite is Coffee Bean in Poo.

Anonymous said...

OMG! Why have I not visited here before??? You are too funny!

Thanks for swinging by my swinging party...I bet you could kick T-Bone's ass. ;-)

Real Live Lesbian said...

Thank GOD there's no one here in the office but me. I'm dying laughing!

Put down the stick....You're one funny dude!

Anonymous said...

OH MY GOODNESS! I cannot believe some of these searches, I have not even looked at mine in along time!

yeah call the cops for real on that infant anal probing. Yours are way better than mine would be!!


Jillian said...

Umm yeah. I'm all over #8.

"Lick like you've never licked before."

Top notch advice, indeed.

Lakota said...

oh come on - you would so let me do you with a strap on.

Anonymous said...

Wow...yes, there are some weird people out there.

But, my darling brother, I think it's time I broke the news to you: It's not just gay guys who like anal sexx. I have no problem with you thinking it's gross, but I just wouldn't want you to be misinformed.

P.S. This information is based on research, not personal experience.

Have I traumatized you yet, my darling brother!?!

Iron Pugilist said...

I knew Lakota would have something to say about #1. Been thinking about it a lotto..

Jo said...

Some people think I'm a beaver. WTF? LOL! And you really killed me with #8 "Nevermind the aftertaste. You'll get used to it." You know, that's what every man has said to me & it's a lie!

Grey said...

LMAO ! Some months ago i did a post on this ... 'babies fucked in the water' was the search term ... made me sick ... some nasty dickheads out there ...

C.Rag said...

So is there something wrong with googling those things, because I do it daily. The google images are pretty hot.

Meghan said...

I'll do laundry. And stop nagging. But like I'd cook :P

Iron Pugilist said...

2 girls 1 cup! 2 girls 1 cup!

billymac said...

i got a "self ass to mouth" search hit... i'm still trying to figure out how that is going down.

Mike said...

Hillary - what you do with your coffee is your own business

random - you'd better HOPE t-bone behaves, or he'll have to answer to me.

Lesbian - Thanks! I try.

cinder single - but aren't you getting bad? Maybe that'll change

jillian - did you show your husband? I bet you did!

lakota - my exit only rule still applies, even for someone as hot at you!

sister - you've tramatized me from the minute you became a fanatical veggie feminist something or other.

IP - lakota is what she is!

jo - ok ok, but you have to admit, it can get pretty slimy down there.

grey - what is wrong with people?!?!?!?

c.rag - I can't wait to see the example you and cockmaster set for your kid ;)

meghan - take out is fine ;)

wookiemac - im figuring it has something to do with rib removal.

Anonymous said...

Hey Mike! Not That bad okay!! Hey I have missed you this weekend... Ummmmm, I will keep quite on here! LOL!!!!

Miss ya tho!!


moooooog35 said...

Space Poo.

Sounds like an awesome movie...or name for a rock band.


"In one can hear you smash."

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Hungry Mother said...

Those search lines would make for a better dialog for any of the Adam's miniseries.

Tequila Mockingbird said...

hmm.. sounds like someone cant handle their cock.

i like how most of the key words have something to do with shit or the anus. i think that tells us a lot about you... are you sure it's not your fetishes that keep women away from you and not the fact you live in east jesus?