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Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Situational Acceptability

It occurs to me that there are many things in life that could or could not be acceptable depending on the situation. There is definitely a very fine line between what's taken in stride and what's freaked out upon. There are many, many things that I could discuss, but today, I'd like to touch on just a few items that have situational acceptability.

Farting: Acceptable.

  • After eating indian or cajun food, or anything on taco bells menu
  • When with a group of your male buddies, or any man that is (if you're male).
  • Only in the presence of your dearest life longest friend who you've known since jk (if you're female)
  • To annoy your mom, girlfriend, wife, co workers
  • When snuggled in with your significant other, especially if she insists on 30 or 40 comforters on top
  • When it can be blamed on someone else, or the dog
  • As a last resort when you just want to be alone and they just won't leave the room
  • When you're drunk and have a lighter (don't push too hard, eh)
  • To one up someone else's fart
  • At a party when the conversation lulls
  • At a party to lull the conversation
  • When you can feel the proctologists nose
  • If it comes from a vagina

Farting: Not Acceptable

  • When meeting the in laws for the first time
  • On a blind date
  • When meeting the new co workers for the first time
  • On a suspected shart
  • After eating anything from Taco Bell
  • In any enclosed space with no ventilation
  • With the intention to blame it on the mentally handicapped (don't they have enough to worry about?)
  • On a treadmill (can you live down machine gun farting?)
  • At the buffet (are they serving SHIT for dinner??)
  • While bent over to tie your shoes
  • While getting a oral sex - you should never get THAT relaxed
  • In a church or cathedral style building - echo echo echo echo echo
  • Attempting to cover it up in a hot tub - see taco bell (it might not be what you think)
  • In an tire shop - unless you want the extra charges while they're looking for the tire leak
  • In front of gang bangers - WHO'S SHOOTING!

Touching - Acceptable

  • Platonic touching between friends in any "Yes" Zones
  • Platonic touching between family members in any "Yes" Zones
  • Any part of my body that Jessica Alba wants to touch
  • A pat on the butt by another guy but only when wearing a sporting uniform while playing a real sport
  • A hard punch on the shoulder between friends
  • Holding hands, hugging, boob pinching but only between female friends and when drunk
  • Any "No" zone but by a significant other (or Jessica Alba)
  • A friendly hand on the shoulder signifying you're trying to get through
  • A not so friendly punch in the nose after said person doesn't let you through
  • A punch in the groin to anybody who thinks he can kick your dog
  • Your bumper on the asian woman's bumper in front of you (just ask Hungry Mother about them)
Touching - Unnaceptable
  • Any touch a catholic priest gives a choir boy
  • Michael Jackson
NRB (No Reason Boner) - Acceptable Use:
  • When by yourself
  • When with Jessica Alba
NRB (No Reason Boner) - Unnaceptable Timing:
  • When visiting granny at the old folks home
  • When standing up to give sermon at church (extra bad if beside a choir boy)
  • When trying to give dog a bone (the other kind!)
  • At a job interview
  • When ordering fries from the greasy kid behind the counter
  • While researching feces - from a public computer (He's a SCAT MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!)
  • On a bus full of handicapped people - bonus points if you're the troop leader
  • At the zoo. This one is really bad
Eating - Acceptable
  • When you're hungry
  • When there's something good to eat
  • When at an Italian's house (not eating is very offensive, as Mr. Soprano taught me)
  • At a restaurant
  • In your kitchen or dining room
  • When you're between Jessica Alba's legs
Eating - Unnaceptable
  • During a job interview
  • While driving - Ms. Daisy
  • At a funeral - during the viewing
  • At the SPCA - Hey, where's fluffy?
  • When you're at Taco Bell
  • While you're on the can - that's just gross no matter how pressed for time you are
  • In Ethiopia - for fucks sakes, I guarantee they need it more than you, ok?
  • Probably a good idea to stop when your significant other says "we need to talk"
  • After a pint of ice cream - for fucks sakes, NOBODY needs that much and PMS is a bad excuse
  • After vomiting
  • When you have the flu
  • After drinking ipecac
Can anybody come up with any more situational acceptabilities? Who wants me to do part two?

18 keen observations:

DrowseyMonkey said...

Are you speaking from personal experience? For example, have you had a boner at a job interview? Enquiring minds want to know.

Mike said...

For example, only for the durex condom tester.

I didn't get the job, something about "inability and full potential" or something like that.

DrowseyMonkey said... Now I can't believe that.

Anonymous said...

I'm trying not to laugh, because I'm eating (infront of the computer. is that okay?).

So who's this Jessica Alba chick? Your new girlfriend? Goody! I can't wait to tell Mom.

*just kidding. I figure she's some actress/musician/public figure*

Your sister

DrowseyMonkey said...

You have a sister? Hmmm...I bet she has lots of stories to tell about little Mikey. ;)

Mike said...

Robin, you don't know who Jessica Alba is?

I guess since you don't watch movies.

Drowsey - Yes, she's my little sister, and anything she says is hearsay. Or heresy, whatever.

Hungry Mother said...


in the gym

trying to explain the lipstick on the collar to your wife

moooooog35 said...

Boners are also unacceptable in class.

Nothing sucks more than being a pubescent boy, with a stiffy in your jeans...

...ultimately called up to do a problem on the board.

..which you now can't actually reach.

Anonymous said...

What's your beef (no pun intended) with Taco Bell? Love that place!

Funniest post of the day!

Mike said...

Hungry - Never had that problem, hope I never will!

Mooooooog - I knew a kid who smacked his nose first. Poor guy.

Mimzie - I have a problem with any place that serves beef that goes in EXACTLY like it comes out!

billymac said...

Great post... this looks like you spent a lot of effort on it. Which is also why my posts don't usually look like this.

Mike said...

Thank you billymac. Even still, I'm pretty sure you get more visitors ;)

Anonymous said...

Mike Says:

Drowsey - Yes, she's my little sister, and anything she says is hearsay. Or heresy, whatever.

You mean, of course, to say that it would be hairsay. *smiling sweetly*

I'll go research Jessica Alba right now. Wikipedia, here I come!

billymac said...

I'll save you the trip... she's f-in hot!

DrowseyMonkey said...

I just tagged ya. Enquiring minds wanna know. Which just means we're nosey.

Emmy said...

I sent this post to a couple mates it was gold great piece :)

Mike said...

Billy - My sis is heterosexual, and she can't see. If you can arrange, please send Jessica Alba to her place so she can feel how hot she is. On second thought, send her to mine, and I'll let my sis know.

Drowsey - I'll check it out

Emmy - thank you! For the compliment AND the publicity!

billymac said...

I was going to say, I would rather "do the honors" myself and offer up a detailed description of her hotness (after I woke up from my coma)