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Friday, December 14, 2007

This old coot


Well, that's it. Today I'm officially old. I'm no longer in my twenties, I'm now in my thirties. How time flies eh?

Now that I'm a thirty year old, I'll have to start thinking of things that an old person would need. It's important that I'm prepared when the inevitable happens, which will be sometime this weekend, I'm sure of it. Forthwith, here is the list of stuff. Anybody that has experience being old, please leave a comment with things that I've missed, ok?

Clothing:
Jeans, T-shirts, hoodies, rugby shirts, running shoes, all of these will have to be pitched. Old people don't wear such items I'm to understand. I'll have to go out and purchase a robe and slippers, because that's what old guys wear in the house, right? And for when I go out, I'll have to get pants that have the waist that fits up around the nipples and the legs that stop 3 inches from the top of the calf. Also, does anybody know where I can find 2 foot long suspenders to hold it up? Old men wear wide brimmed hats too right? Damn, am I ever going to look sexy in my new ensemble! I bet all the ladies at the home I'm going to book myself into will be all over me!

Heat:
It's my understanding that old people like it really, really hot. So in preparation of the need for heat I've called in Sears to replace my medium efficiency furnace with a high efficiency furnace. Also, I'm getting a fireplace installed in every room of the house. I've purchased a new thermostat that I've programmed so that it cannot be turned below 35 degree's C. You know, just in case a young person (29 or under) comes into the house and gets hot and tries to turn it down. Could you imagine this old guy living in a room temperature house? I hear that old people can freeze within five minutes of exposure to room temperatures. Hey, I might be old but I don't want to die before my time! Especially of something as careless as letting the house get too cold, like, say, 20 degrees C.

Incontinence:
Old people can't hold their bladders. Or their bowels. Well, sometimes they can't poo at all. So for those days when I can't poo, I've stocked up on all bran, ex lax, and extra strength suppositories. For those days when I can't hold my bowels, I've stocked up on depends adult diapers. Actually, I'll be wearing them every day because my understanding of old is that you can't stop pissing yourself, right? Oh yea, I've installed all of those old people grab bars in the bathroom, just in case I actually do make it to the shitter I'm not stuck in the sitting position until someone can come save me.

Old person smell:
Just because I'm old, doesn't mean I have to smell. So to combat old person smell from various things (see above) I've bought stock in every major deodorant company out there. I might stink, but it won't be from pissing in my depends!

Decor:
I've pitched all my furniture. In it's place, I've purchased couches and chairs with flowery print cloth. All my furniture is now encased in plastic and smells of mothballs too. In place of my painted walls is ugly wall paper. Hardwood floors are a thing of young people, I've covered my floors with 4 inch deep plush magenta coloured carpet. Also good for padding me when I fall, I might not even break my hip!

Vehicle:
I've traded in my pick up truck for a Ford Crown Victoria. I'm currently training myself to back up without looking, drive slow in the fast lane with the turn signal on, and back into objects without realizing I did anything. Also, I'd like to take this opportunity to tell Mimzie she's going to hell, because I know that eventually she'll be trying to run my old ass down. Right Mimzie?

Dinner and bed times:
Tonight, I'm eating dinner at 4 pm. You might think that I'll be hungry by 8, but not to worry, I'll be in bed by 7:30. Also, I've eliminated all salt from the house, because I'm positive my doctor will insist that I'm on a low sodium diet. To ensure that I keep my depends as empty as possible, I've also eliminated any and all spices from the cupboards. I'll only eat steamed broccoli and boiled chicken, to be safe.

Teeth:
I've purchased denture cleaner and poly grip, as I understand old people don't have their own teeth. I've pre booked with my dentist for next week to make me some dentures, as I'm sure all of my teeth will fall out sometime probably Sunday around 3 pm.

Sports:
For some reason, I'm almost positive that I'll actually like golf. Also, I'm sure I'll have this urge to take up lawn bowling. Sometime in five years from now, I'll take up shuffleboard, and five years after that it'll be seated shuffleboard as I'll no longer be able to stand for more than 15 seconds in a row.

Incessant Jabbering:
As a young man, I liked to talk but I also liked to shut up. Now, I'm betting I'll talk to anybody who will listen for hours and hours on end, not letting them get a word in edgewise. Hey! I just realized that getting old is kind of like being female in that regard!

Pharmaceutical Cocktails:
I've heard old people take lots and lots of pills. I'm not sure what kind, when, or for what, but I'm going down to the pharmacy later demanding drugs. I'll let you know how that works out.

Thanks to listening to this old coot babble on. For those of you who enjoy reading my blog, just remember, I'm now thirty years old. I could drop dead any day now, so if I stop blogging, it's probably because I'm dead. Or just because I can no longer operate this new fangled technology!

8 keen observations:

Stealth said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIKE! Welcome to the Old Farts Club.

moooooog35 said...

You forgot the penis pills.

You're going to need them.

You're also going to realize that the chicks you thought were nasty when you were younger (OH MY GOD...a..a...40 YEAR OLD?!) are now completely do-able.

This is why you'll need the pills.

Old age removes your standards of acceptable sex partners.

Just like booze...but with arthritis.

tanninety said...

I'll be ready with the water hose just in case the cake catches things on fire with all them candles!

Also I want all your pr0n subscriptions. You won't be needing them anymore with the sponge baths you'll be getting at the old scooter home you are getting yourself into.

Happy birthday Mikey, now get in a fetal position and roll on down the hill.

Anonymous said...

It's official! You're now a nut job!

Happy birthday, Mike!

P.S. Does anyone else find it funny that for his thirtieth birthday Mike will be eating cake and ice cream with family and friends--and for his twenty-fifth birthday he was eating alcohol at a pool hall, from which he was summarily ejected?

P.P.S. That was your 25th birthday, right Mike?

DrowseyMonkey said...

You're new livingroom sounds like my place.

But I wanna hear more about the pool hall you were kicked out of.

Hungry Mother said...

Good preparations, but I didn't need that stuff until I was 35.

Cyberpunk said...

wow! belated happy birthday!

sorry my comments on your posts are late these days...i'm busy...

clairec23 said...

Yes, you are right, you ARE old. 29 is the last young age, dontcha know...If I had known you were so OLD, I wouldn't have started to read your blog, you might start forgetting to post, or how to get onto your blog or your name or something. Enjoy being old :D