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Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Barnyard Brawl: The Barnyard Retard

Yes, it is time for another episode of the Barnyard Brawl! For those who have not read my previous two episodes, the story revolves around a group of hapless farm animals, loosely based on some animals on a friends farm . These social misfits represent the dregs of our human society, complete with a hedonism complex and sever personality disorders. If you have not already, I would strongly encourage you to read part one here and part two here. Trust me, it would make much more sense, but you'll still try to have me committed for even thinking of this literary abortion.


When last we left our animal friends, Dicky the pig fucking horse had just died. The weird noisy hairless animals had replaced him with a young stallion, which Beatrice the horny cow found out was a gelding. The hard way. When he would not (or could not) have sex with her.

Cow: Well come on you nutless wonder. Let's go meet the others.
Horse: I thought we were going to get our hooves done?
Sheep #1: Hi new horse, you dickless faggot!
Cow: That's Ed. He's an asshole.
Horse: I like assholes!
Sheep#1: Hey cow! Maybe if you strapped a log to your udders homo over there would pound your cinnamon ring!
Horse: You mean .... I thought those green tasty things that grow on trees were called assholes?
Sheep#1: Man, we got a sharp one here. He's almost as stupid as retard!
Horse: Who's retard?
Sheep #1: Oh, it's my idiot brother. All he can say is
Sheep #2: (from behind horse) BAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Horse: (gets startled and kicks sheep in the head) Oh no! Oh no oh no oh no! I'm so sorry! Are you ok?
Sheep #2: (shakes head) Oh my, thank you! You seemed to have cured my speech impediment!
Sheep #1: Holey Shit! Did you just talk?
Sheep #2: My dear ungulate! Of course I could talk! I was born with a brain defect that stunted my speech. It did not, however, stunt my intellectual growth.
Cow: Uh?
Sheep #1: Well I'll be damned! You're not a retard!
Sheep #2: To the contrary. While you and your cohorts have been lazing around, chewing your cud and humping each other, I've been looking, listening, and most importantly, learning.
Sheep #1: I didn't ask for the fucking speech, professor ugly!
Sheep #2: I expect such a response from a mouth breathing slime bucket such as yourself. Now listen closely, because I'm about to get us everything we always wanted.
Cow: Balls for Mr. Effeminate over there?
Horse: Like I had a choice in the matter! And your horns clash with your bell, and your bell clashes with your fat ass!
Cow: Shut up!
Sheep #2: Listen! Those funny hairless animals with all the power - I've learned to speak their language. And we're going to hold them ransom.
Cow: How?
Sheep #2: You know how they milk you every day?
Cow: How could I forget? The titty massage makes my bovine ass quiver!
Sheep #2: They use the milk for food. And they use the chicken eggs for food too. Every morning before sunrise, I'll show you how to get into the coop and destroy the eggs. And I'll suck you dry of milk so there is nothing left for them.
Cow: Medium pressure, no teeth, gently tongue in a COUNTER clockwise motion. Got it?
Sheep #2: Yes my dear I shall do it with pleasure. When the humans wonder whats going on, we'll tell them, and I'll tell them they'll starve unless our demands are met.
Cow: What are our demands?
Sheep #2: Whatever we want!
Horse: A pink ribbon for my hair!
Cow: Sex with a real horse!
Sheep #1: Cow miserable!
Cow: Hey! Ass!
Sheep #2: And Beatrice, there's something I've always wanted to tell you, something I couldn't until now, and I'll burst unless I tell you!
Cow: What is it?
Sheep #2: Your beauty, your grace, are no equal. Your eyes swim like a thousand oceans, your body is that of a goddess, your scent a divine gift from the gods.
Cow: Swoon!
Sheep #2: Beatrice, I must tell you that I Lo....

Sheep#1 kicks Sheep #2 in the head

Sheep #1: Blah blah blah! All he did was talk! I solved that problem didn't I!
Cow: I fucking hate you, Ed.


If you liked the above, you may also like:

Barnyard Brawl
Barnyard Addition
Bless this, father!
Cute, cuddly little bear!
Things I notice

6 keen observations:

theoffendedblogger said...

Oh, my.

You are the Lord Likely of barnyard literature!!

Quite good at it too, I must say. It left me wanting more. ;)

Meghan said...

I loved all parts of the story. You're insane and that's awesome.

Is it bad that throughout all 3 parts Sheep#2 is my favourite?

The Chronicles of a Fashionista in PDX said...

Oh, so funny!! Very good dialogue! :)

it's the awesomest :D

tanninety said...

You should totally make that into a flip-up children's book. Imagine the money we could make, I say we 'coz I get commission for the idea :D

Anonymous said...

Funny as always. The barnyard series is my favourite of your writings.

I heard that one of the real sheep is to be spray-painted for Easter. (I think that's weird, and even cruel.) Might make a good springboard for another post, though.


Your Sister

P.S. It's too late for me to send you anything from Virginia, but you can think what you want for nex time.

Anonymous said...

HAHA! such Violence by the sheep! LOL!! I could not wait to get back to look at this blog! LOL!!! Okay on to the next one!!