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Sunday, February 24, 2008

High time for High School

A friend of mines oldest boy will be going into high school next year. Like any thirteen year old boy, this one is cocky, arrogant, mouthy, and generally thinks he's man's gift to the world.

Being a big fish in a little pond doesn't help the boys hormonal arrogance, but little does he know that's all about to change.

Not too long ago, I was giving him a ride home from his grandmothers house. I looked at him and said "So, T, you're going into high school next year?"
I then started to laugh. He asked me what I was going on about and I told him nothing, never mind. Well, today, I'm going to tell him, and any other cocky little so-and-so preparing to enter high school for the first time.

Right now you are in grade eight. You are at the top of the school food chain. You prance about like you own the place, and really, the only kids you worry about are other eight graders. Not that you mind them nearly as much as the younger kids do. You use your age, size, and pecking order status to tease them mercilessly. Remember that, because it's important.

Next year, YOU will be the kid.

You are to be the little fish in the big pond. It's going to be a huge culture shock for you. Because you're a cocky little teenager, chances are you'll strut into grade nine like the big shot you used to be.

That will change very quickly, as some or all of the below may and probably will happen:

  • You will be locked in a locker
  • You will be pushed around
  • You will be teased
  • Your head will be dunked in a toilet while it is flushed - repeatedly
  • The toilet may have been previously used without being flushed
  • Your books/clothing/lunch/money will be appropriated
  • You will be rejected by girls/boys. Again, and again, and again.
  • While walking down the hall, eyes will follow you, fingers will point, and giggles will abound
  • Jello will be poured down your pants
  • You'll be held down while various hair in and about your body is shaved - unevenly
  • Dog poo will "appear" in your locker

You are also new to puberty! Welcome. Your face will soon look like a pepperoni pizza with extra bacon bits, and no amount of face scrubbing will help. Get used to being called names like "pizza face", "crater face", and "freak".

Speaking of puberty, for the boys, it is best not to wear track pants. They don't hide boners very well. As a new comer to puberty, you will find that your nether regions have a mind of their own. It takes a very slight breeze for "junior" to stand at attention, and believe you me, he has a lot of staying power. He generally comes most often when trying to talk to girls, or when you're called to the blackboard to solve a problem. Carry a large book with you even when walking to the blackboard, to try to cover up Mr. Excited. Your higher ups and classmates have a very good memory and will tease you MERCILESSLY given any opportunity.

For you girls, I am SO sorry. The guys have it pretty good compared to you. Generally, they'll get shoved, or punched, or beaten up, and that will be the end of it. The higher grade bullies will move on to the next grade nine poindexter that crosses their path. Boys get bored easily. Not so for girls.

Girls remember things for EVER and for ALWAYS. They are more subtle, instead of beating you physically they'll go for your mental health. They'll try to steal your boyfriend, they'll spread vicious and nasty rumors about you, even if they're not based in reality. Don't be surprised to learn people think your pregnant when you're still a virgin, or you have crabs, herpes or are sleeping with the teacher. Girls play mind games. That is the nature of girls.

So for all of you big bad grade eighters, remember, you're about to become nothing more than pond scum on the shoes of the grade eleven jerks.


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17 keen observations:

Hungry Mother said...

No doubt! The lucky guys might also get their ass cheeks super-glued together or have a lit candle shoved up their ass.

Anonymous said...

Mike, I do not have a high school story to tell, my mom wisked me away very quick. I was homeschooled! I would have loved to have some to share with you, one thing do remember is the kids are NOT very nice to new people at all!!!

Mike said...

Hungry - don't forget the pee wee herman handshake! Gross.

Single - Trust me, you aren't missing out.

Drowsey Monkey said...

Wow, you musta pissed off a lot of people in high school! LOL

Makes me glad I'm a high school years were pretty uneventful in comparison!

The sweat pant thing is true, good advice. Personally I like guys in sweat pants, but I'm talking men, not teenagers. I'm not that weird.

Jillian said...

Everytime I hear a High School story, I can't help but be glad it's all over. Of course I went to a very small school and we didn't have the problems you have in typical larger schools. We all knew each other and got along, but my classmates were mostly dumbasses and I don't miss them. I especially hate when they try and add me on MySpace or Facebook... no way!

Jay Cam said...

wow i don't know what you are talking about!

when i was in high school only one person messed with me. but let's just say that he stopped after i beat the crud out of him!
: )

Mike said...

Drowsey - lets put it this way: The closest school to me was the jock school, I wasn't a jock. I didn't have to try to get good marks and most others struggled. I was on the swimming team and not the football, basketball or wrestling team. All this made me a target, there was some fighting.

Jillian: I don't keep in touch with ANYBODY I went to high school with!

Jay: That means you were the bully. I hate bullies. You'd better hope that body gaurd of yours is one touch sombitch! :P

billymac said...

man, did i hate high school. i didn't really get beat up or teased and i really never was a bully either. i just hate authority, and in high school, you're told what to do all day... and that pisses me off.

Anonymous said...

I bet I would have loved you in high school!

Tequila Mockingbird said...

hmm, i didnt have such a bad high school experience. although, i'll never forget Corona Karen. she could stick the entire bottle almost up her cooch. someone still has it on digital recorder somewhere.

Mike said...

wookie mac - what's your career now? Army private?

Mimzie - and if i would have gotten love from an older chick, I would have been seriously popular!

Tequila - You know I'm going to want that video.

billymac said...

yikes! a direct career question, never good. well let's just say that i typically set direction for others on a day-to-day basis, and still have authority issues...

Slick said...


He'll learn the old fashioned way ;)

Course, my kid enters high school next school year. Uh oh....

Anonymous said...

Mike, his bodyguard really scares me, I don't know if he is going to cuss me like he cusses out all the other peoples blogs he frequents! I shall stay in Kentucky forever.. He must have been a bully in school!!!

Jay, I will do whatever you want me to do as long as you call him off!!!
Oh wait, nevermind, I have MIKE! He will kick his ass for me!!!


Jay Cam said...

bully? are you kidding me? haha!!!!

no. i just didn't like being messed with by the real bullies.
ahhh... those were the days!

BarnGoddess said...

haha, my 14 yo is going to be a 9th grader next year, he is cocky and thinks he his sh*t doesnt stink......he is about to get enlightened

jAMiE said...

I don't miss high school at all....enough said!