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Friday, February 22, 2008

The Gym Douche

Last night, I was at the gym. Just as I finished loading the bench press with weights, she walked out of the women's change room.

Fifty feet away, she started walking in my direction. She wore a form fitting outfit with a form to match. Not an ounce of fat on this girl, and just the prefect amount of muscle. She had an ass that just wouldn't quit, breasts that defied gravity, and she walked with a wiggle that made my willy tingle. She was the goddess of the gym, and at that moment, had she asked me to do ANYTHING for her, I would have done it.

Then she got close.

Have you heard the term "good from far, but far from good"? How about "butterface", as in everything is good, but her face? No? Well you've heard them now and they apply to this former vision of a goddess.

She had a pretty enough face, I guess, underneath the three inch deep layer of make up. What turned me off, was the "I'm better than you douche" sneer on her face. If anybody looked her way, she shot them a very brief dirty look, as if to say "YOU are not good enough for ME." She looked and acted as if her shit did not stink. Her bum might not have smelled, but there was a rather unpleasant odor about her.

This girl took a bath in the most disgustingly fragrant perfume I've smelled in my life.

As I took this hideous smell in, my chest constricted and I became short of breath. The smell was THAT STRONG. I wonder if she knew just how offensive she was?

For the next hour, I watched this douchebag prance around the gym like she owned the place. The worst part was that she did not put her weights away, and that REALLY aggravates me. If she loaded some plates on a machine, she left them there. If she grabbed a barbell or dumbell from the rack, she left them where they lay when she was done with them. As if gym etiquette didn't apply to her, as if people should clean up after her like the GODDESS she thought she was!

That, my friends, is a real life example of the type of douche you run into on a daily basis. The worst part? If I decided to teach her a lesson by taking ALL the weights she didn't put away and loading them up on her chest, I'd be arrested for it.

I'd like to introduce some legislation that would make being a douchebag illegal. At the very least, any douchebag should be snipped so they could not reproduce and make more douchebags. Who wants to start writing letters to politicians with me?


If you like the above, you might also like:

The Douchebags
Things I notice
To Be Canadian
Spazoid's Christmas Quiz of Debauchery
Spazoid's Debauchery Quiz Winner!

14 keen observations:

billymac said...

"she walked with a wiggle that made my willy tingle"

this was simultaneously the cheesiest and funniest line i've read in a while.

Mike said...

Thanks Wookiemac!

I re-read that and almost cut that out. Almost.

Anonymous said...

You seem a lot of them at Golds Gym where I go also. They act as if the men or the trainer should hurry on over and clean the bar off and out the weights away. They are there only to show of their bodies.

Yeah they piss me off also. LOL! You know what else, the men that make really loud noise lifting. It is not that serious I know that a lot of them have heavy weights, and it does require a lil growling or whatever, but com'on. Then they drop the weight so hard it makes the floor shake.. Those are the real Gym Douche's..

Okay off my soapbox now! LOL


Anonymous said...

seem = see!
out = put

Anonymous said...

Perfume and makeup at the gym?

Your Baffled and Befuddled Sister

Crystal Bell said...

That's why I like Curves.

I'm starting to wonder if the gym is not the new pick-up place.

Looking at that pic,reminds me of the time I used to smoke Eve's cigs,mostly because they were pretty and for women,solely,I guess.

Nice pic and post,Mike.

Jillian said...

She acts like that because men in the past have done whatever she wanted them to. A person like that never really "gets it". As long as someone fawns over her [and they will], the douchebaggery will continue.

It's kinda funny, so I'm not even mad at her!

Men. :-P

Anonymous said...

Jillian, you know what you are talking about! She has been fawned over way to much! Now she is like lets step it up a notch and wear all this stanky azz perfume to see how many more I can get over here with me.. YUK.
I have to say tho Jillian, I think I am mad at her! Damn her!! LOL!

Jay Cam said...

wow you jsut had to rub the "douche" part in didn't you?

she might have been a decent on-nighter. you never know!
: )

Jay Cam said...


Hungry Mother said...

Just look straight ahead and lift your weights. After you get your pump, put a paper bag over her head and pop her.

Dawn said...

Douchebag's are nature's way of reminding men that looks aren't everything ;-P

Nicole said...

That sucks.
Wearing a ton of Make up anywhere would already be a turn off for me, but in a Gym, bbbrr.....

Drowsey Monkey said...

who knows...maybe she has a great personality once you get to know her.