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Wednesday, April 2, 2008

I think I threw up a little in my mouth.

As we go threw life, we encounter many, many things that really, really gross us out. I would like to share with you all one such instance.

It was about ten years ago, and I was sharing a place with a couple of other people. One of them was in my program in college, named R. He had a girlfriend, name E. E was over six feet tall, really big boned, and as quiet as a howler monkey. With her size and graces, and thirty or forty pounds of nappy brown hair, she was as close to a female wookie as you can get. As a matter of fact, I happen to have her family photo to share with you all. That's her, front row center.Both of them were really gross people. R had a skin tag on his side the size of a Volkswagon, and she often announced how she liked to chew on it during sex. Gross.

One Friday, I was heading out the door to visit my folks for
the weekend. I said my goodbyes to R and E, and headed out the door. I got to the end of the road and cursed myself for forgetting to bring the hockeybag full of dirty laundry that I (by I meaning my mom) was going to do over the weekend. I turned around, parked the car, and let myself into the apartment.

I walked up the stairs, and there, straight in front of me, was E, with one leg up on a chair, inserting a giant tampon into her large dank vagina.

When I say large vagina, I mean big. Below, you will find an artists rendition of her fun hole:

And by large tampon (and here I thought they were all one size), she was inserting one of these monstrosities:I screamed.

She screamed.

I screamed.

She screamed and slammed the bedroom door.

I threw up a little and fell onto the floor into convulsions, clawing at my eyes. The horrid horrid image still haunts me to this day. It was easily the grossest thing I've seen, so gross it put me off vagina for MONTHS.

I hope I didn't ruin your lunch.



If you liked the above, you may also like:

Happy Easter!
The Advice of Mr. Spazoid
Spazoid's 100th Post
Things I Notice
Bathroom Etiquette

22 keen observations:

The Divine Miss M said...

Oh my good god. I would so have turned towards dick at that point ... ;)

The Chronicles of a Fashionista in PDX said...

Hey, she can't help it if she has a super heavy flow! LOL

Knight said...

That is a good artists rendition. It brought in the full effect. Far worse than the tampon image is the chewing on a giant skin tag image. That I just can't handle.

C.Rag said...

And R loved to munch on that.

Mike said...

Miss M - are you telling me you're into vag??? :P

Fashionista - Well, if she just stopped putting large objects like Chevrolets up in there she wouldn't HAVE to have a tampon that big.

Knight - Did I ruin your lunch?

C.Rag - I believe he made tea with it.

billymac said...

where... the... hell... did you get my family photo from?

Anonymous said...

HMMM!! I would still be blind!

Whatever happened to going in the bathroom and handling that?

YUK!! I liked those ummm descriptive pics!!


Tequila Mockingbird said...

holy shitcocks. this should be your thanksgiving day post because it makes me thankful that
1. i am not fat nor my vag is so wide it requires specially ordered tampons
2. i have never chewed on a skin tag during sex
3. i did not see her doing that

Anonymous said...

She chewed on his skin tag during sex? What sort of weirdo people did you hang out with?!?!

Jillian said...

"... it put me off vagina for months..."

Hmmmm. Did you experiment during that time? Cuz I won't judge.

I have never seen a "skin tag", but it sounds gross. :-/

Hungry Mother said...

That's why we have light switches, or blindfolds in the daylight.

Meghan said...

I just threw up a little in my mouth. THANKS, Mike. This story turned me off vagina for a few months too.

Iron Pugilist said...

No, you ruined my dinner! Well... if I saw it myself, there is a possibility that I could be turned on.

moooooog35 said...

Hey! I've spelunked in that cave! THAT explains all the string in there.

Mike said...

wookiemac - next reunion say hi to E for me, will you?

Single - and here I thought that's what the bathroom was for?

tequila - like I said, it put me off vag for a while!

mimzie - many people say the same thing about me ;)

jillian - see previous post!

hungry - i've taken advantage of that.

meghan - at least you can still go to penis! Speaking of, weren't we supposed to go grazing in Regina?

IP - dood, you'd have to be either really desparate or a sick man to be turned on by that. Seriously, I was there.

Mooooooog - Nice.

Natalie said...

hahaha! Oh my word that is so grose and funny at the same time!

R.E.H. said...

R had a skin tag on his side the size of a Volkswagon, and she often announced how she liked to chew on it during sex.

Thanks for the nightmares, dude! ;)

BTW - that vagina of hers looks mighty dry!

Grey said...

Im laughing so hard i think my balls will fall of any moment now !

Iron Pugilist said...

Maybe it just needs a little shaving, but it could be good. Maybe it'll feel good with a blindfold...

Olga, the Traveling Bra said...

WoW! What prompted THAT horrific memory???

Anonymous said...

Mike I Miss Ya!!! You must be working really hard!! Come on out and Play!!!!!

Kerstin said...

It's experiences like this you can thank for, um....well, it's an experience.