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Thursday, February 28, 2008

The advice of Mr. Spazoid

Contrary to popular belief, I was not hatched, and neither was I brought about by mitosis (could you imagine me, breeding like bacteria? I'd consume the world in weeks!). What this means, ladies and gentlemen, is I have parents.

My father, MR. Spazoid SIR, is like any father in this world. He has gained wisdom from experience and likes to share it with his son, so that his progeny may benefit from his years of learning.

I'd like to share some of his wisdom with you, my readers. No doubt, you have fathers of your own and like any good father, you would have heard some of this before. But for those who haven't, or who don't have fathers, I hope that some of his pearls of wisdom will benefit you greatly. I know they've helped me through some of my hardest times.

High Speed Nose Picking:
When a boogie needs to be picked, it does not wait for the appropriate time. No matter where you are, or what you are doing, it will rear its gooey head and will be come more and more annoying until you MUST dig for that sticky, stringy gold. Driving your car on the highways at high speeds is no exception. After years of practice, he has found that the best way is to take the pinky finger of the hand opposite to the nostril that needs to be picked, and dig around. This provides the optimal angle of entry and highest level of dexterity to get that snot out of there with the least amount of time. Try it, you'll be amazed!

There's only one square of toilet paper left:
And you've already dropped the kids off at the pool. Not to worry! Take that square of toilet paper, and fold it in half. Fold it in half again. Where the joints meet, tear off a small square, and keep it, you'll need it for later. Unfold the paper and you'll notice that there is a hole in the middle. Put your index finger through that hole, and use the finger to clean the clingons off of your brown eyed hairy cyclops. Then, cup your thumb and index finger around your brown index finger below the square of TP. Using a semi circular motion, move that square up your finger until the bulk of the brown stuff has been cleaned off. Remember the little square you removed? Use it to clean under your finger nail! And problem solved.

The ultimate measure of a restaurant:
Is it's bathroom. If it doesn't have a clean, efficient, and aesthetically pleasing bathroom, chances are the food sucks. A shitty bathroom means a lack of effort in every other area. Don't believe me? Try it.

If you ever get married:
Learn the words "yes, dear." You'll need them.

An addendum to the above:
Whats yours is hers. Whats hers is hers. Get used to it.

It's not being cruel and judgmental:
If they can't hear you make fun of them. If it's not hurting their feelings and you're getting a laugh out of it, it's a 100% positive experience! And how could you not, with so many douchebags running around?

If you have to go for a colonoscopy:
They'll give you a drink to clean you out. An hour after you take it, you'll feel a twinge. This twinge will feel like a "Yea, I should find a toilet soon." However, what THIS particular twinge really means is "Find a toilet NOW, or make sure you know where the mop is." After bathroom trip #23 or so, you'll be pissing clear out of your bum and you'll know it's almost over.

After you go for a colonoscopy:
You're going to have some WICKED farts. Make the most of them!

By far, the one piece of advice he's given me has stuck with me the most. "Make the very last cheque you write bounce."

You can't take it with you, so what's the point in dying rich? At the same point, don't be an idiot about your money. Live to your means, make sure you can retire in comfort, and whatever you do, have fun before AND after you retire.

That is some fantastic advice, and I'm taking it to heart. But since I know I'm not getting an inheritance, I have no qualms about teasing him mercilessly. Like father like son, and he throws them right back at me just as hard as I do to him.

I'd like to close this off by leaving you with this thought, which teenagers and people in their early 20's should especially take to heart. Your parents have done more for you than you can ever imagine. Treat them with the respect they so sorely deserve.


If you liked the above, you might also like:

Colon Hydrotherapy -or- What's going up my bum?
My Superpower
The Absurdity of Homophobia
Spazoid's Halloween Made Special
The new In: Mustachioed

20 keen observations:

Knight said...

Wow, so much great information at once. My head is spinning!

Anonymous said...

YOu forgot this one:

If you feel a giant shit coming on, head out to a hotel lobby, or somewhere else with an industrial strength toilet.

Your Sister (the other progeny)

Anonymous said...

Mike, that is wonderful advice, really full of wisdom!! LOL!!

Hmmm Don't know about the Toilet paper part! I will use my cell to call someone to bring me some and I will stay until they come! LOL!!



The Chronicles of a Fashionista in PDX said...

Very insightful! I like the ultimate measure of a restaurant, if you ever get married, and an addendum to the above :)
I do agree that those advice should be taken to heart, especially the colonoscopy and the farting from it. :)

billymac said...

that is some sage advice... except the TP one, that is just plain 'ole nasty.

Mike said...

knight - my old man never gave me advice for spinning heads. I say, stop spinning. It helps.

Sis - yes, but I only have so much room on the blog!

Single - that's not very creative. How long will you spend on the toilet if no one is available?

fashionista - spoken like someone who's had a camera up her butt before!

Mike said...

wookie-mac - I've never had to use it. Yet.

The Chronicles of a Fashionista in PDX said...

No, Mike, I haven't, but my ex roommate has and he described it with such great enthusiasm.

He said he shit water for two days.

I really didn't want to know about it.

Real Live Lesbian said...

I think you might be my brother! Sounds just like my Daddy-o!

Jillian said...

Umm... yeah. This was gross, and helpful. I agree on the picking of the nose. What you left out was how this rule should not apply to passengers that are supposedly your friends, who proceed to wipe the picked boogers on your car seats.

I HATE finding those.

And good parents are great! I was also blessed with great in-laws, too!

just me said...

obviously, he is a very smart man.

Kerstin said...

Sage advice.

As for the colonoscopy part, my suggestion: before partaking of the lovely liquid, take a cup, some magazines, a video poker (or other electronic entertainment device) and make sure you have at least four rolls of extra T.P. (in part to cushion the bum) into the bathroom. Then you can just stay in there until you reach empty.

Jay Cam said...

dang. there was so much advice there that i DIDNT neeed to now!


Dawn said...

Your father is a very wise man indeed... a little disgusting... but wise ;-)

Olga, the Traveling Bra said...

Yeah, why does Dad-Wisdom have to be so dang gross? How about a little interior decorating or cooking advice?

Mike said...

fashionista - was I your ex roomate? Sounds like something I'd say.

Live Lesbian - your father is also a man of sage advice I take it.

Jillian - this is why you need a dog. They eat those.

just me - I hope to pass this on to my own children. In the meantime, I pass it on to others!

kerstin - how about "war and peace" by Tolstoy?

jay - but you DO need to know it, my friend!

Dawn - you know, like father like son ;)

Olga - that other part is my moms job!

captain corky said...

There's only one square of toilet paper left:

This one scared me and whatever little hope I had remaining for the human race is now gone. ;)

R.E.H. said...

Good advice... but, never forget to have a good supply of toilet paper handy... you never know how much you need to use - especially the day after a hard night's drinking.

Again - one should really appreciate one's parents for everything they have done for us. If it weren't for them we would not even exist...

Thanks for visiting my blog. I like yours, and I will return!

moooooog35 said...

Good tip about cleaning off your fingernail.

I usually just rub it off on the guy at the urinal and run like Hell.

Tink said...

LOL. Wow, that toilet paper advice was effin' disgusting man. That mental image is going to stick with me alllll day.