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Monday, October 8, 2007

Colon Hydrotherapy -or- Whats going up my bum?

So I was driving down the road yesterday and I noticed a big sign that read "Colon Hydrotherapy!". What? What exactly is it? I looked it up on wiki and yes, it's exactly as it says. Colon hydrotherapy is a homeopathic enema, designed for "wellness". Is it just me, or are these homeopaths grasping at more and more straws? I bet the homeopath who thought this one up is either gay or just plain perverted. "hmmm, we've already bilked millions of gullible people out of their hard earned money with bullshit 'cures', now how do I get them to pay me to sexually molest them?".

Apparently what these people do is fill your ass with water 'enriched' with vitamins and minerals and then let the water spill back out into a bucket or other receptacle. Gone are the days when you can just swallow a multivitamin, I guess it's better absorbed being shoved up your bum? Call me old fashioned but really, one of my holes is entry only and the other one is exit only. You guess which ones.

Oh, get this! According to wikipedia sometimes they load the water with COFFEE! No longer will you have to wait for it to brew, simply squirt it up your poop hole for an instant pick me up in the morning! Imagine the money you save on milk and sugar! I can see a whole new office kitchen in the morning. "How's the coffee coming, Bill?" "Oh hey Mark. Just loading up the turkey baster and we'll be ready to go." "Great! Let me just drop my trousers, would you mind loading me up?"

Wiki says that these alternative medicine practitioners believe that this colon hydrotherapy prevents something they refer to as autointoxication, or the build up of fecal matter in the large intestine. Surprise surprise, this theory is NOT accepted in mainstream medicine. You know why I think that is? I get build up of fecal matter in my large intestine EVERY DAY. Know what I do? Sit down on the can and rid myself of it. Sometimes twice a day. No water jets required. Amazing, eh?

Wiki also says that there have been DEATHS from this hydrotherapy. DEATHS. Apparently some nut case didn't maintain sanitary conditions, and six people died from infection. How would you live that one down? Hi, my name is Joe. I'm an idiot that falls for bullshit fake snake oils to cure me from diseases and syndromes I don't have. I let some idiot squirt water up my bum and now I'm dead from it. I just may be the worlds smartest person!

Wiki states you shouldn't do this if you have diverticulitis, ulcerative colitis, Crohn's disease, hemorrhoids, tumors, heart disease, kidney disease, anal pathologies or just after bowel surgery. And since it isn't recognized by any REAL doctor, healthy people shouldn't or don't need to do it, either. That pretty well leaves it up to total and complete quackery.

So if you go get colon hydrotherapy, here is my advice. Just take a big shit on a regular basis. It'll save you a wad of cash and possible horrible side effects (like death). Oh, and if you don't shit regularly, try eating a decent diet, or increasing your fiber, instead of stupid insta cure all's like colon hydrotherapy.

4 keen observations:

Henry Wiltcher said...

Sounds like someone woke up on the wrong side of the hose. :)

Mike said...


I'm such a pooper ;)

Anonymous said...

"No longer will you have to wait for it to brew, simply squirt it up your poop hole for an instant pick me up in the morning!" Yeah, I peed myself a little on that one. Thanks!

Mike said...

I'm just glad this is entertaining others besides myself ;)