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Tuesday, May 13, 2008

To a man, from his Junk

Hey there Buddy,

It's been great hanging with you all these years, through thick and thin, with all of its ups and downs.

I don't want to sound like a whiner, but I do have a few things I'd like to ask of you. Firstly, I'd like to get to the underwear.

Boxers are fantastic. They're roomy, airy, and those hairy twins that live under me don't get sweaty and slimy. I hate it when they're slimy; how would you like resting on a booger couch? The only thing I ask - no, insist upon, is you wear the boxers that have a button on the pee flap. I am seriously tired of flopping out and having to dodge the zipper on your pants, ok?

Tighty whities are an absolute no no. The twins get sweaty, and I'm pressed right up against them. One of them has some serious halitosis. It's not fun.

Speaking of halitosis, if you ever, EVER wear a thong again, I'm going to throttle you! I'll go on strike and never work again. The damned thing forces me past the twins to be pretty much face to face with some sort of brown hole. I have no idea what it is, only that it smells like manure and occasionally blows some nasty wind in my face. You're lucky I haven't yet puked.

Puking is the second thing I wanted to talk to you about. You know that girl you picked up last week, the one with a yest infection? She did NOT taste like freshly baked bread like you promised. I had to up chuck the minute I got in there. I did however enjoy her sarcastic disappointment, as well as the screaming to have you drive her to the doctor RIGHT THIS MINUTE for something called a morning after pill. I don't know what a morning after pill is, and besides, it wasn't even close to morning. Women are so silly.

So why exactly is it you force me to puke so often? If its not in some womens stink hole, you choke me until I barf. Every single day too(though the latter is more common than the former). Why are you forcing bulimia on me and then complain I'm not fat enough? Start making some damned sense!

When it's cold, I shrink. That's how I deal with cold. Get used to it. Also, water is generally cold. I'm just letting you know that, because you have this rather large and ill fitting pair of swimming trunks. If they are to fall off I'll get called 'peewee' or 'acorn' and that will damage both of our egos.

My final complaint is in regards to your drinking. I get sick and tired of listening to your alcohol induced crap, so I just go to sleep. I know that doesn't help you with last call women, so ease up on the beer, ok? Also, because I go to bed so early, I'm up bright and early the next morning. I hope you enjoy our wrestling matches in the bathroom.

I think that's everything I wanted to say. Lets chat about this sometime, shall we?

-Your Pal,
The Penis

Hey Schmuck

Listen buddy, that guy that rests on us most of the day? He's a real DICK! Do something about his attitude or we'll stick to your thighs and make you SUPER uncomfortable, ok?

-All the best
The ball brothers

23 keen observations:

Cinder-Single said...

YOUR Ass IS CRAZY!!!!! I simply Loved this.. I missed this kind of fun this past few days!!!

MIKE, MIKE, MIKE!!! I loved It So So So Much!!!!
HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Knight said...

Hey peewee, how's it hangin? I always thought you liked choking a few out. No? Well, that's news to me. I guess I'll stop participating in your bulimia.

Jo said...

Wow, your dick is so...chatty. And kind of an asshole LOL

It's a good thing he has a middleman doing the talking with the ladies...booger couch and stink hole have the curious effect of making me want to curl up into a little ball & think happy thoughts.

Meghan said...

You know that annoying drunk girl you make out with just to get her to SHUT UP?

Your penis is the body part equivalent of that.

moooooog35 said...

This post was brilliant. BRILLIANT!

I'm tired of all three of those f*ckers (literally) complaining.

The only favor I ask of you is to stop trying to "see what it's like" by soaping up your finger in the shower and poking me with it.

Save it for the chick with the yeast infection.

Thanks in advance.

Signed,

Your bunghole.

Tink said...

I used to envy men...

...But not anymore.

Thanks? ;)

Drowsey Monkey said...

When I saw 'junk' I thought it was about, you know ... junk ... spring cleaning or something ... I wasn't expecting to read something your penis wrote! LOL LOL How long did it take him to type it? He's a very talented fella!!! But I'm sure he's heard that before ;)

Ginormous Boobs said...

Your dick should have his own TV show

Miss Milk said...

Ew. Remind me never to let any of those things anywhere near me. :P
Yours are quite hilarious, but those body parts collectively? Yuck.

Perhaps I'm too childish to appreciate them just yet. Ah well. I can live with that. :)


And to think I was expecting a post about attic clearing and nostalgia or something...

Hungry Mother said...

My cock only does my thinking for me. You're so lucky to have an articulate one.

Mimzie Beaumont said...

You should enter your penis on that show "America's Got Talent." You would win for sure!

Mike said...

To the ladies: this isn't necessarily from my dick. It's from dick. Men understand.

Mike said...

Single - I'm glad you enjoyed hearing about dick!

Knight - you've never participated in my penis's bulimia. You are always welcome to start, though.

jo - stink hole doesn't make you happy? Why ever not?

meghan - you're welcome to shut my penis up in that fashion any time!

mooooooog - just cuz your bunghole isn't exit only doesn't mean mines the same. BTW, how's the down south treating you?

Tink - it ain't easy walking around with your junk just hanging between your legs.

drowsey - ever seen the guys that play piano with their junk? I sure as hell got them beat!

boobs - yea, I'd have the horny woman and gay guy market all sewn up!

miss milk - one day you'll discover you like them. Then you'll get married and not care for them any more.

hungry - I guess mine just thinks too much

Mimzie - you'd vote for me, right?

Tequila Mockingbird said...

tightie whities are gross. good call on that one pewee

The Chronicles of a Fashionista in PDX said...

Thank you for that lovely enlightenment. I felt that I've had a nice little bonding moment with your junk.

:P

billymac said...

if my dick could talk... that guy would be out of my pants all the time...

Mike said...

Tequila - calling him peewee doesn't make him a happy penis.

Fashionista - make sure you wear those 650 dollar shoes when bonding with my penis

Wookie - just like a woman, eh?

Jay Cam said...

yeast infection? lol not cool man!

Slick said...

Ha!

Funny, dude....funny! :)

The Chronicles of a Fashionista in PDX said...

No, no, I thinking your junk is way too high maintenance for the $650 Jimmy Choo shoes... :P

C.Rag said...

All I heard in the background was the SNL scene with Alec Bladwin about sweaty wieners & balls.

Knight said...

I hope it really was just a yeast infection you got your junk into.

Now see you make the disclaimer

"To the ladies: this isn't necessarily from my dick. It's from dick. Men understand."

Which is what I assumed and how I addressed it but then you responded to my comment as if I meant you personally. I would never call you peewee Mike!

Tequila Mockingbird said...

FINE. GIGANTOR MCCOCKINGSTON? is that better?