To a man, from his Junk

Hey there Buddy,

It's been great hanging with you all these years, through thick and thin, with all of its ups and downs.

I don't want to sound like a whiner, but I do have a few things I'd like to ask of you. Firstly, I'd like to get to the underwear.

Boxers are fantastic. They're roomy, airy, and those hairy twins that live under me don't get sweaty and slimy. I hate it when they're slimy; how would you like resting on a booger couch? The only thing I ask - no, insist upon, is you wear the boxers that have a button on the pee flap. I am seriously tired of flopping out and having to dodge the zipper on your pants, ok?

Tighty whities are an absolute no no. The twins get sweaty, and I'm pressed right up against them. One of them has some serious halitosis. It's not fun.

Speaking of halitosis, if you ever, EVER wear a thong again, I'm going to throttle you! I'll go on strike and never work again. The damned thing forces me past the twins to be pretty much face to face with some sort of brown hole. I have no idea what it is, only that it smells like manure and occasionally blows some nasty wind in my face. You're lucky I haven't yet puked.

Puking is the second thing I wanted to talk to you about. You know that girl you picked up last week, the one with a yest infection? She did NOT taste like freshly baked bread like you promised. I had to up chuck the minute I got in there. I did however enjoy her sarcastic disappointment, as well as the screaming to have you drive her to the doctor RIGHT THIS MINUTE for something called a morning after pill. I don't know what a morning after pill is, and besides, it wasn't even close to morning. Women are so silly.

So why exactly is it you force me to puke so often? If its not in some womens stink hole, you choke me until I barf. Every single day too(though the latter is more common than the former). Why are you forcing bulimia on me and then complain I'm not fat enough? Start making some damned sense!

When it's cold, I shrink. That's how I deal with cold. Get used to it. Also, water is generally cold. I'm just letting you know that, because you have this rather large and ill fitting pair of swimming trunks. If they are to fall off I'll get called 'peewee' or 'acorn' and that will damage both of our egos.

My final complaint is in regards to your drinking. I get sick and tired of listening to your alcohol induced crap, so I just go to sleep. I know that doesn't help you with last call women, so ease up on the beer, ok? Also, because I go to bed so early, I'm up bright and early the next morning. I hope you enjoy our wrestling matches in the bathroom.

I think that's everything I wanted to say. Lets chat about this sometime, shall we?

-Your Pal,
The Penis

Hey Schmuck

Listen buddy, that guy that rests on us most of the day? He's a real DICK! Do something about his attitude or we'll stick to your thighs and make you SUPER uncomfortable, ok?

-All the best
The ball brothers

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