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Saturday, May 10, 2008

Old dog, new trick.

What a weekend this has been so far. I've seen two things that have affirmed my position on getting old, and it's given me an idea.

Thing #1

You ever seen a really, really, really old lady? We're talking about wispy white hair, hunched back, withered liver spotted skin, medicinal smell, the crinkle of diapers when she walks, that sort of thing? Friday, her mother was ahead of me in a check out line.

This old coot wanted to buy a lottery ticket. Not a daily keno or a 649, nothing like that. No. She purchased a cash for life.

I'm betting money that the cash for life people would JIZZUM in their pants if a 107 year old mummified old coot won.

I guess your brain really does turn to much when your body goes to dust.

Thing #2

Today, a friend of my fathers called me to help him pick up a riding lawnmower that was getting repaired. This guy is no spring chicken. He's in his late 60's and his wife is 75. When I arrived, I saw his wife, standing beside her car. Sitting in a lawn chair beside the car was his wife's aunt. She's not quite as old as lottery ticket lady, but I'm still nothing more than a sperm compared to her.

As luck would have it, she couldn't walk. She blamed it on some sort of pills her doctor gave her. So guess who had to carry old Betty big bottom through a huge house and up a spiral stair case?

I did suggest a winch through the top window. That wasn't appreciated.

A few years ago my childhood dog was nearing 16. She had a pancreatic infection, or it was cancer. Either way she was in terrible pain and there was no amount of medical help in the world that was going to set her right. She was humanely euthanized. She was in my arms when the vet gave her the needle, in the arms of the person she loved and cared for the most. She was relieved of a never ending pain without causing any more for her.

Right now I enjoy a good quality of life. I'm healthy, I'm happy, and I'm strong. That could change at any moment. I could be hit by a bus, or fall off a building, or just get old, senile and incontenant.

When you end the suffering of a family pet, it's called the final act of love. When you do the same for a human loved one, it's called murder.

The hypocritical double standard of todays society aside, If my senior years are spent drooling and shitting myself while a Sharon, Lois and Bram clone band sing retarded songs to me in the home, I don't want to be around.

Thats why at the first signs of zero quality of life, I'm dressing like a dog and booking myself into the SPCA. Nobody will adopt me, and I'll be humanely put out of my misery, to spare myself the humiliation and degradation senility brings.

Feel free to use my idea! I won't hold it against you.


If you liked the above, you may also like:

The Technology of English
The Advice of Mr. Spazoid
This Old Coot
Get off the road, you blue haired dolt!

I think I threw up a little in my mouth

13 keen observations:

TechJoe said...

I have a better idea.. Dual execution
I'm pretty sure we'll most likely both be around at that point in our lives. Neither one of us is lucky enough to have it ended earlier. So lets say we have a few years to plan it but right about the point when we feel life has come to its peak and is on its way back down the hill we get together maybe with a couple of shotguns or something and both pull the trigger at the same time. You take me out of my misery and I'll take you out of yours..

Meghan said...

Be careful if you go to the SPCA. I'd be the one to adopt you, call you a funny name and shove dog toys in your face.

Anonymous said...

oh Mike.. You are loved by so many people!! I would take you in!! NO SPCA for you!!!! But I really do feel you on this post!

I don't want anyone to really have to take care of me and do silly ass things that are going to cause me to want to kill myself!! LOL!!!

Hope your mom had a great Mother's Day!!


Tequila Mockingbird said...

yah, euthenasia isnt such an awful concept. people get all like "oh nooooo blah blah dont kill those old geezers" and i'm like "Dude, when i'm that old and look like crap, and smell like crap, and have basically no quality of life, and lonely because my kids think i'm an asshole and i dont have any money for them to inherit and i've outlived my husband ( HA, GOTCHA BITCH!)... go ahead, give me an overdose of some happy drugs and pour me a shot! i'm good to go

Kristen Bjorg said...

Do you know Mike,today,at my church,I was so blessed by this older gentleman,as he let me feel and know how pleasing I was to his sight.

To think, GOD went to all that lenth to give me beauty at the age 54,so I could become the woman I always dreamed of being like.Only GOD can give me beauty that great at my age.And it's for older people to bless them and encourage them to go on and give them hope, despite all the obstacles they face.I don't know who left happier he or I.

Now,if only I could join a copy of Sharon,Lois and Bram clone band and sing and worship my heart out.Thanks for your post Mike,and for letting me pour my heart out in gratitude for being so blessed, today.

But,how did you know that happened to me,today?

It looks like all my secrets are out.

Did you know,Mike, about my secret about wanting to be beautiful?And that I acquried it at 54?

And to think I was planning my own funeral,yesterday.
Thanks,for messing that all up,bud.You ain't no dummy,far from it.

Jo said...

Betty Big Bottom LOL!

The thing is, by the time you're that old, you'll be a cranky bastard who's forgotten this post & wants to hang on like bloody hell to your right to hose down little kids that pass by your house, fart & not hear it, cinch your pants under your nipples....

Anonymous said...

I am 100% for euthenasia. Let me know when you're ready to "go." I'll come over and put you out of your misery. I won't mind one bit.

C.Rag said...

My Ma has an anaphylactic allergy to shellfish. She has said when she's too old to enjoy life she is going to order room service at an expensive hotel that has shellfish on the menu.
She'll go out in style.

billymac said...

i'm with ya on this one... kerkorkian had it right (or however the hell you spell his name).

Mike said...

Joe - we'll rig something up to our wheelchairs. Maybe bombs.

Meghan - you'd never get me to stop humping your leg!

Cinder Single - see above reply to meghan.

Tequila - I'll include you in the techjoe plan.

Kristen - thanks for the compliment. I'm sorry though, I really didn't follow that comment!

jo - I'm 30 and already a cranky bastard!

Mimzie - Too bad you're older than me huh? You'll probably already be dead ;)

c.rag - your mom rocks my seafood eating world!

Mike said...

wookiemac - when it's time to go to that big deathstar in the sky, you'll know.

The Chronicles of a Fashionista in PDX said...

Meh... I was playing Sims 2 the other day and the replica of myself in Sims 2 finally became an elder. This caused a real mid-life crisis to occur. I panicked.


At that point I quit the game.

Hungry Mother said...

I have a little different take on it. I want to go naturally while I'm doing something exciting. So, maybe a mako will take me off from my kayak or I'll fall off a cliff while hiking.