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Tuesday, August 19, 2008

A disturbing realization.

For years I've thought I had a super power. And I still think I do, it's just a different power - and it's shared.

You see, I have the unique ability to eat eight ounces of food and somehow make sixteen ounces of poo. It irks me to no end - I have to be consistent with the courtesy flush EVERY TIME. It irked my parents too. I was a normal sized baby with adult sized poos, which presented a huge logistical issue that was promptly solved by adult undergarments and duct tape.
At a family dinner not too long ago, we were talking about our favorite subject, bowel movements and related poo talk. Yes, I know it's not appropriate dinner table conversation nor should it be a family favorite, but perhaps it gives you an insight into my strange and corrupted psyche.

As it turns out, my old man has the opposite power o
f me. He can eat sixteen ounces of food and make eight ounces of poo. That irks him to no end, because there is nothing that makes a man feel like a man other than a good shit, a shower and a shave (and perhaps a blowjob). A good B.M. should leave you with an empty feeling and a quivering anus, and that's not possible when you're passing shriveled raisins.
Matter can neither be created nor destroyed: Yet it seems that I am capable of the former and my old man the latter.

That made me feel special until it hit me: We weren't creating or destroying matter, we were transporting it.

My superpower isn't creating poo, it's teleportin
g poo into my colon, from my father.


My old man once told me a story of when he was in the jungles of South America. He apparently pissed off a witch doctor, who put a curse on his first born. I always thought it was bullshit, but I guess not.

Now, if you'll excuse me. My dad just ate some curry and I'm turtling.

19 keen observations:

Knight said...

Wow, what a useless trick. Unless you are short on fertilizer. Everyone thinks those Witch Doctors are bullshitting but they are just sneaky!

Tequila Mockingbird said...

sounds like you need to do what landon my roomate did... THE COLON BLOW CHALLENGE. I SHIT YOU NOT. you'll feel fanfuckingtastic. or so he says; he's trying to get me to try it, so far ive did a solid "pass".

moooooog35 said...

The power to make MORE poo irks you?!

It IRKS you?!?

Good lord, have the superpower of all superpowers.

The ability to extend your relaxation period beyond your physical means...MY GOD.

Think of all the extra time you're getting to "Bejeweled" on your Blackberry...get paid at work LONGER for doing shit (literally).

I'm jealous.

My superpower is premature ejaculation.

At least I'm trying to pass that off as a superpower. The wife isn't buying it.

Mike said...

Knight - I know eh? If there really was a god I'd be wolverine instead of the incredible poop machine man.

Tequila - Umm, my anus is exit only. Thanks anyways!

mooooog - sometimes i'm busy and poo time cuts into that.

Although sometimes it's GRRREEEAAAT!

Jo said...

LOLOLOL! Where do you come up with this shit?


I think your dad lucked out. In fact I wish you could poop for me.

The Hypocritical One said...

This will totally come in handy...someday.

You're like a real-life X-man...genetics improved.

Anonymous said...

MIKE!! I sit in amazement, I never leave here without laughing!!

Pooping superpower.. I need to find out what mine is until then I guess I am going to the bathroom!! LOL~~


Vyolet said...

"...teleporting poo into my colon..."


Christ, you make me laugh!!!

Keshi said...

ewwwwwwwwww lol!

shittastic Mike!

btw r ya spazmodic? ;-)


The Divine Miss M said...

Dude that super power sucks.

Jailbait's is that he can create socks out of thin air.

When we were away in Sardinia these socks kept showing up everywhere even though none of us were wearing any!

In the middle of nowhere at the foot of a climb. SOCKS!!! (and don't say anything about the foot of the climb and socks etc :P)

I still haven't discovered mine.

Mike said...

jo - This is my brain. I'm so very sorry.

hypocrit - once I learn how to projectile poo at the muzzle velocity of a howitzer, I will be an x-man.

Ne - hopefully your superpower will be more useful than mine.

vyolet - my name isn't christ, but I'm glad you hold me in high regard.

keshi - I'm not sure what spazmodic is so I'm going to say yes.

miss m - were his socks sticky in places and crusty in others?

Technodoll said...

"He apparently pissed off a witch doctor, who put a curse on his first born. I always thought it was _bullshit_, but I guess not."

You realise you just solved your own mystery, yes?


Slick said...


I can eat like 16 ounces of matter and produce maybe 12. That ain't so bad is it?

I mean, I'm far from being the superhero that you are...but hell, even Batman gave Robin some credit every once in a while!

Anonymous said...

You are the most amazing man in the whole world. EVER!

Anonymous said...

Turtling!!! No man. Sies!!!! Very descriptive word tho...hehehe

I'm glad you figured out da mystery... dat shit wud've driven me crayzee! (:

Technodoll said...

Hey Mike, go check my blog to get your "coolness" award ;-)

Anonymous said...

Poo is my middle name!

No, wait, my FIRST name!

There's nothing better than that great big morning poop to get your blood racing.

The Offended Blogger said...

Heyyyyy I am going to overnight him some 3 day old tacos with extra jalepenos and a bottle of bowel cleansing Mescal tequila to wash them down with.

Pleeeease take a video of the next BM you get from it for me, K??

No, seriously, I'll lol with you. :)

Keshi said...

haha ok u r!