I'm too old for this shit.

*Update July 1st/08. Knight from Knights Ramblings asked for a picture of my injury. Here you go, hope you enjoy!
The skill of riding a bicycle is never forgotten. Once you've built the neural pathways in your head, you can always just get on a bike and ride.

That doesn't mean that you can't get rusty, which I found out the hard way yesterday.

A friend of mine called me up and said "hey, let's go mountain biking!" and I said "Great Idea!"

So, I dusted off the old Rockhopper, sped off down the road and met him near his place.

The first thing I'd like to affirm is the extreme benefits of not smoking. I haven't had a cigarette for almost three years now. However, I smoked like a fiend the ten years before that. And for the better part of those ten years, one of my favorite hobbies was mountain biking.

The first ride of the season was the worst. Halfway though I'd be huffing, puffing, trying desperately to get my lungs to inflate from being welded shut from a winters full of tobacco smoke abuse. It was so bad asthmatics were throwing their inhalers at me telling me I needed it more then them. I even got offers of oxygen from those fat old people on scooters. Yea, it was bad.

Not this time around. It's been years since I've been on that thing, and I was peddling away like it was nobodies business, and nary a flung inhaler came my way.

Kiddies, if you are a dirty fag sucker, quit now, right now. Trust me, you'll thank me for it later.

My friend and I hit some nearby trails to test out our prowess. We went in like lions but came out like pussycats. Well, not so much him but me.

See, I had a little accident while trying to ride over a log. It was wet, the ground was muddy, and the log moved under my bicycle unexpectedly. My wheel caught in the log, throwing the bike to the ground. I went with it as my shoe didn't want to come out of the toe clip, and two-hundred pounds of Mike came crashing down hard, gut first into the very (sharp) end of the handlebar.

And it hurt.

Boy, did it ever hurt. I got my foot out of the toeclip, and walked around, limping, clutching my gut, and making the guy hurt face. You know the face, the one where you are hurting like hell but you don't want to show it but you can't help scrunching up your face while you're walking around saying "that stings a little, let me walk it off".
Kind of like that. Except I'm not black. And my teeth are straight. But you get the picture.

Two things happened right at that moment. I was breathing very hard, because I was just jabbed in the gut with a small object with the possible force of a 1969 Buick Roadmaster. And I was in a bitchin amount of pain (I've got a nice bloody circle of torn skin with a really deep bruise, probably on my kidney), I got nauseous.

My buddy was chatting away verbally, and inside I was repeating over and over don't puke don't puke don't puke don't puke don't puke don't puke don't puke....

Never, EVER chant don't puke to yourself when you're feeling sick. That ASSURES you vomit.

And vomit I did. I vomited nicely if I do say so. Not as nicely as this, but it was pretty good if I do say so myself.



After I was done, we decided to call it quits and head back to his place for a beer. I had to fill my now empty stomach with something, didn't i!

There is a moral to this story. I came back learning two things:
1. Quiting those dirty fags was the best thing I ever did
2. I'm no longer an invincible teenager and I need to work into things.

But hey, at least I learned, right?

==============

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Spazoid's 150!

Yes, that's right folks! Spazoid has hit his 150th post. And like Spazoid's 100th post, he's going to share with you, his gentle readers, all the sick and twisted google searches that somehow brought people to this site.

That's right. There are people more twisted than Spazoid out there. There are people that actually find this pretty fucking tame. Let's see what the google stats brought in, shall we? Here are ten of the most interesting and peculiar searches from the absolute dregs of human society.

1. Can you grind up poop.

Answer: Yes you can. Although poop doesn't really grind, it kind of smushes. Don't ask.

2. Dirty bum after I wipe

Answer: Then wipe again. And again. And again. And...well you get the picture. Or maybe you don't, since you had to google it. It's not rocket science. This is something you should very easily understand... if it's still dirty, you need to keep cleaning. I fear for the human race.

3. Lohan's Beaver.

Looking for a few STD's, hmmm?

4. Pills that make ur shit smell like roses.

Look... I don't know how to break this to you. Shit smells like shit. That's why it's shit. And that's why toilets come with a flusher. If your shit smells worse than normal, get a deodorant sprayer, or maybe start eating human food or something. You know, get a little more fiber in your diet?

5. Space condoms; space penis; space woody; space poo

Buddy, i'm pretty sure condoms, penis's, woody's, and poo would be ALL THE SAME. What, do you think being in a space shuttle changes the properties of you? Maybe you're thinking the lack of gravity will give you a bigger penis, therefor you'd need a bigger condom for your bigger woody? It's just like your big poo.... bullshit.

6. Starbucks is shit.

Preach on brother, preach on!

7. Stuffed pee holes

Are you serious? Obviously, you've never passed a stone. Otherwise, you'd understand that the pee hole is the most sacred of sacred out holes. In ten years, when I'm forty, I'll give up my ass virginity to make sure my prostate is OK. But NOTHING will EVER go up the pee hole, ever. And if you like that kind of shit, you sir, or madam, are a serious fucking weirdo. Even weirder than the guy who wanted to grind up his poo.

8. What is a faggot called in England?

I can't speak for the English, but i'm pretty sure it's 'faggot'.

9. What's a Spazoid.

I'm glad you asked! Have a look around my craptastic blog... you'll figure it out soon enough.

10. Vagina bags

I'm... stumped. So I googled it myself. What I found scared the crap out of me:
Maybe she keeps her bags up in that thing? Hell, she probably keeps a few matched sets of luggage up there! I know one thing that isn't going up there - penises. Really. Hell, if I stuck mine in there it would be followed by my hips, legs, body and head. Hey, at least I'd be warm for the winter!

Hey folks, thanks for reading my crappy blog. Hopefully, I'll be around for another 150 to keep my three readers entertained!

-Spazoid Out.

=========

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It wasn't his fault.

It wasn't his fault.

That's the only thing I could think of when animal control lead him away.

It wasn't his fault.

We found him early this morning, hanging outside the offices. He was dusty, dirty, and hot. It appeared he'd been hanging around for sometime.

I held him by collar in the legal department and fed him some water from an empty cool whip container. He didn't have tags on. The ladies in legal searched the municipal database for a dog that matched his description, but to no avail.

The local animal control had to be called.

He sat with me at my desk, tongue hanging out and panting. He yearned to be petted, and when I did so I was rewarded with a lick, with a paw on my arm, and with a stare from his brown eyes, so full of soul and life.

And his fate was likely sealed when he was lead away.

I can't take him, I wish I could. Nobody in the city could take him.

You see, this friendly, handsome animal is part pit bull.

It was a sad series of events. It was because of a few bad owners who mistreated and mistrained their dogs. A few children got bit. Shrill shrieks and cries were aimed at city council, and in typical fashion council responded with a bullshit knee jerk by-law.

Now, every and all pit bulls are dangerous animals. Any pit bull, or any dog with pit bull in him. Regardless of a good owner, regardless of a decade of docile behavior, they were dangerous.

Registration costs soared to $250.00 yearly. Signs had to be put up on your property advising of a "dangerous animal." You can no longer breed them, and should they step outside your house they have to be muzzled. Lord help you if they get off your property and poop on your neighbors lawn.

My dog danced away, being lead by animal control to a new and exciting adventure, not knowing his fate was most likely death. I wish I could take him, but I cannot afford the stigma attached. Nobody can.

More people get bitten by retrievers and labs. Chiwawa's are naturally meaner. But it does not matter. A powerful dog being raised by a few criminally negligent people, and the entire breed must suffer for it. Innocent dogs are dying because of it.

The politicians that govern my city are nothing but filthy cowards vying for votes. They are murderers.

I want to scream, I want to put my fist though the wall. I want to put a stake through the heart of the cowardly politicians that pushed the by-law through. I want to eviscerate the asshole dog owners that abused their dogs until they became dangerous. I want to bring about justice for all the good dog owners who were unfairly separated from a loyal and faithful companion. I want justice for all the good dogs who's only crime wasn't their fault, but who paid for it anyways.

It wasn't his fault, it was ours.

But he's paying the price.

Stick Titties

Spazoid is at a friends house, watching T.V. One of those inane commercials comes on for tampons or some such, featuring a stick drawing of a woman.

Several minutes go by.

Spazoid: Remember that stupid tampon commercial with the stick woman?
Friend: Yea?
Spazoid: She didn't have any titties.
Friend: Right.

Several more minutes go by.

Spazoid: What exactly would stick titties look like?

Friend puts hands to chest with index fingers sticking out.

Spazoid: Ah.

Several more minutes go by.

Spazoid: Ok then, what would stick NIPPLES look like?

Several years go by. The laughter hasn't yet stopped.

===========

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STUPID BULLSHIT DRAMA

What the fuck is it with people and their STUPID BULLSHIT DRAMA?

I have STUPID BULLSHIT DRAMA at work.
I have STUPID BULLSHIT DRAMA with my buddies fiance, BRIDEZILLA and her helmet special maid of honor.
I even have STUPID BULLSHIT DRAMA on the motherfucking DOG PARK committee I sit on. IT'S A FUCKING DOGPARK FOR FUCKS SAKES!

People make shit up. They take things out of context. They lie, and pathologically lie to each other. They deceive each other, try to trick each other, and then when STUPID BULLSHIT DRAMA invariably happens, they get ALL UPSET about it! Oh, oh, how did this happen?

*BITCHSLAP! What did you THINK was going to happen!

Ugh.

There's absolutely no need for bullshit drama. Keep your head, tell the truth, take things in context, and turn your BULLSHIT OFFENSE meter OFF. You know, the one where you take offense at EVERY FUCKING LITTLE THING!

Keeping STUPID BULLSHIT DRAMA in mind, when Spazoid rules the world, STUPID BULLSHIT DRAMA will be illegal.

Spazoid's laws will be three fold.

At the first sign of STUPID BULLSHIT DRAMA, the parties causing the STUPID BULLSHIT DRAMA will be immediately injected with sodium pentathol by the STUPID BULLSHIT DRAMA police. For those of you who don't know what sodium pentathol is, it's the truth drug that interrogators use. If you can't lie, deceive, and twist shit, STUPID BULLSHIT DRAMA is effectively nullified. I think. Regardless, those caught in the middle of STUPID BULLSHIT DRAMA will be immediately compensated by garnishing the salaries of ALL guilty parties to the tune of 10% of their gross income. The victim of STUPID BULLSHIT DRAMA will receive monies for no less than three months.

If the same party commits STUPID BULLSHIT DRAMA again, they will spend an immediate six months in jail. No trial is offered.

For continued STUPID BULLSHIT DRAMA, the perpetrators will be subject to an immediate full frontal lobotomy and they will be relegated to work at Wall Mart as a greeter.

No. I am not being harsh. Think about a world without STUPID BULLSHIT DRAMA for a minute. I guarantee without it, humans would already be colonizing a terraformed Mars.

Seriously, think about it.

/Rant over.

=========

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This makes me sick.

Let's get one thing straight, with all of humanity, right here and right now.

WE ARE ANIMALS, JUST LIKE ANY OTHER LIVING THING THAT CRAWLS, WALKS, OR SLITHERS.

We are not better than then any other animal.

We do not have any more right to be here, on this planet than any other animal does.

Every animal, on this planet, including humans, has the right to survive, to eat, to defend itself with any means at its disposal.

Death is a part of life, and is acceptable in the natural cycle. AND ONLY the natural cycle. The needless torture and death as an act of ownership that humans exhibit for their own pleasure is a CRIME AGAINST EVERY LIVING THING.

There is a man in South America that calls himself an artist. He goes by the name of Guillermo Vargas Habacuc. In 2007, he took a dog off the street and tied it to a post in an art gallery, while people watched this poor defenseless animal starve to death.

I'm not only horrified that this is called art, but that his government condoned it as such. Take a look at the pictures here, if you are strong of stomach. What kind of person could do such a thing? What kind of government can allow it? What kind of people could visit the gallery and sit by and do nothing?

The answer, in short, are cowards. Cowardly people that are not right in the head, in my opinion.

So what can you do about it, besides flying down to Nicaragua and overthrowing the government that condoned this, beating the people that watched it, and killing the criminal who though it up?

Sign this petition.

This dirt bag is going to pull the stunt again, this year, in 2008. Sign the petition. It doesn't cost you anything, and every extra name helps.

One more thing. If you feel strongly about this like I do, put this up on your blog. It's not just about one dog, it's about a statement, a contingent of people who won't stand for barbaric, medieval style thinking. It's one of the many things that you and I can do to start to bring the human animal in harmony with our world and our roomates, instead of constant conflict with it.

Until we can come to grips with our own superiority complex, the only true animals that inhabit this planet is us humans.

=======

If you care about the world at all, please read the following:

The story of stuff

The story of passover told by a Jewish Atheist Asshole

Disclaimer: If you are hyper religious and/or easily offended by religious parody, don't read any further. Seriously. Fuck off and don't come back, ok? You've been warned.

Forthwith, the word 'gawd' will be used to denote the Abrahamic invisible magical sky faerie no one living has ever seen or spoken to.

Once, a long long time ago, in the great land of Egypt, a Pharaoh sat on his throne, completely enamored by his kingdom and his status of god.
Pharaoh: Subjects! Build me a great pyramid so that I have somewhere to go when I kick the bucket! And make it really, really big, cuz I'm god, didn't you know.
Subject: Certainly sir! It'll take fifty years, but we'll get er done!
Pharaoh: Dude, I ain't gonna make it no fifty years. Get some slaves. That'll make it go quick.
Subject: Ok, I'll round up some big strong Africans.
Pharaoh: NO! Are you whacked? There's lots of them, and they can kick our asses. Also, I hear they hold a grudge for a really, really long time. Go round up those Jews. They're not strong or good at sports, but there's lots of them. And they're easy to control, just takes a whip.

And so the Jews were rounded up. Gawd looked down at the plight of his chosen people. He could have stopped it there and then, before it got bad and his people suffered, but they were getting pretty damned whiny and he thought they could use a bit of humility. Also, Gawd is an asshole.

Every single Jew on the entire continent now lived in Egypt, except for the Jewish American Princess's. They annoyed the crap out of Pharaoh so he had them sent to New York City.

The Jews toiled and slaved. This went on for generations. The Jews prayed to their gawd, but he was too busy playing pocket pool over an issue of hustler to pay any attention.

One day a Jewish woman shat a kid. It was a boy, and she didn't want it to be taken away to slavery. So she built a little boat and floated him down the river, praying to gawd to save this little boy from the certain death his mother had set upon him. And did gawd scratch his nuts and fart!

An Egyptian woman found moses and took him as her own. Moses grew up as a spoiled Egyptian kid.

One day as moses was smoking some dope, a bush lit itself on fire and started talking to him. Moses figured it was the dope, but gawd set him straight.

Gawd: Moses, I fucked up. The Jews are the chosen people.
Moses: Yea I know! We chose them to build our shit!
Gawd: You moron. You're a Jew. Your mom floated you down the river and your Egyptian mom found you. I need you to march into Pharaoh's palace and tell him to let your people go.
Moses: Screw you asswipe! Just for that, I'm going to whip the Jews even harder!
Gawd: Then I shall give you a tiny five inch penis! SHAZAM!

And moses saw that his penis had shrunk to investment banker size. And he screamed.

Gawd: Now go do my bidding and I'll give you your junk back!

So did moses march into Pharaoh's palace and demand his people be let free. And so did Pharaoh laugh. Moses went back to the burning bush (after smoking another few doobies).

Gawd: What did pharaoh say?
Moses: aren't' you like omnipotent or something? Shouldn't you know?
Gawd: Yea, but the people that'll be reading the book for the next few thousand years won't be particularly literate for the most part. Also, the people writing it will be even less so. We'll have to use poor metaphors and explain everything so they don't get frustrated and go bang some sheep.
Moses: K. He told me to go screw myself, but before I did that I'm to report to slavery tomorrow. You asshole! At least give me back my giant schlong! I'm tired of this schlittle!
Gawd: Whatever you whiny little pervert. Go tell pharaoh to let the Jews go OR ELSE.
Moses: Or else what?
Gawd: YEA!
Moses: ooooo k.

So did Moses go back to Pharaoh's palace.

Moses: Let my people go! Or else!
Pharaoh: Or else what?
Moses: YEA!
Pharaoh: Don't you have a pyramid to build?

And so gawd devised a plan for what else. He'd set some plagues about. First, he made the water turn into blood. Ok, so it wasn't blood, it was just cherry Kool aid dumped in the Nile. And the Egyptians cursed, for he hadn't put enough sugar in. Kool aid without sugar sucks.

Then gawd sent a bunch of frogs. And the Egyptians ate French! Yummy.

Then he sent Gnats. But there were still a bunch of frogs from the last plague and they ate them all. DOH!

Fine, I'll just send flies then! And the frogs ate the flies too. DUH!

Then gawd diseased the livestock. So the Egyptians ate MORE frogs! Yummy!

Then came boils, hail, and locusts.

Pharaoh: Head builder dood. How's my pyramid coming?
Builder: Pretty much done sir. We just need to install the cappuccino maker.
Pharaoh: Do we need Jews for that?
Builder: Nah, Nadine down in reception said she'd do it, and make us coffee's too!
Pharaoh: Ok, let all the Jews go then, the last three plagues have gotten a tad annoying.
Gawd: SCREW YOU JERK! I worked long and hard on those plagues, and I'll be damned if I don't get to unleash my last one! I'm going to harden your heart!
Pharaoh: UGH! Ummm... ARGH! I NEED A SUN ROOM! KEEP ALL THE JEWS!

So the angel of death passed by and killed every one of the first born Egyptians in a completely unnecessary orgy of blood and torture. Gawd stroked his mullet and opened a beer, and was pleased.

Moses gathered up the Jews, and headed off into the sunset. Not known to them, a contingent of Egyptian soldiers was coming after them. The Jews were stopped by the red sea. Moses turned around and saw the Egyptian soldiers in the distance. There were probably about a dozen of them, because you know, Gawd just killed the bulk of the young Egyptians.

Moses: What are we going to do! There's ten or twelve Egyptians and only 5,000 of us! Argh!
Gawd: Fine, you whiny little turd. I'll part the sea for you.

And Gawd farted, and the sea parted.

Moses: Everybody across!
Jew #1: But I'll get my feet wet!
Jew #2: Won't my hair get frizzy from the moisture?
Jew #3: I'm slightly allergic to shellfish! What If I step on a shrimp and get a tiny rash?
Jew #4: Oiy! Can somebody carry me? I'm tired!

And Moses asked Gawd if he really wanted to save the Jews. Gawd told him to shut up and made his penis an inch shorter. And Moses wailed!

So the Jews ran across the read sea. The Egyptians were about 20 feet in when Gawd made the waters come back. And the Egyptians got their feet wet. The red sea is really shallow. Defeated, the Egyptians returned to the bank to dry off their feet.

The Jews started walking in the desert. They got really thirsty. Moses, needing to make up for his now minuscule penis, started beating on a rock and telling it to give him water. Gawd make the rock spew forth water, to shut Moses up before he hurt himself.

The Jews wandered further, and got hungry. Gawd gave them mana from the heavens to snack on. Of course, the Jews were delirious from heat stroke and didn't realize they were actually eating camel patties. So much the better.

The Jews wandered for years and years. Forty years to be exact. It would have taken them a few months had the gotten directions, but Moses wasn't about to take directions from a goy!

Finally, they found their promised land. Bordering their lands were the Muslims, whom they thought were wonderfully nice people to be neighbors with. They couldn't wait to have block parties! It was going to be fun.

Moses: Yay! Our promised land! I can't wait!
Gawd: Did I forget to mention? You're old now. ZZZAPP!

And did Moses have a brain aneurysm and die.

So every year we celebrate how our all powerful Gawd that no one alive has ever spoken to neglected to prevent us from terrible tragedy, but let us go through generations of torture. We celebrate how our omnipotent all powerful leader lead us free of slavery by committing gruesome tortures that could have been prevented by not "hardening" a pharaoh's heart. We celebrate gawd choosing to let us wander in a horrid desert for forty years! We celebrate a story that's probably not true, in a book full of fairy tales.

I'm not complaining though, my mom cooks a great feast!

On with the food!

===========

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Dissapointment, and an Opinion

I was disappointed today.

One of my blogging heroes, V at Violent Acres, made a broad, sweeping generalization that smacks of ignorance for a person of her clear logic and rational intelligence.

She said:

The problem with Atheists is most of them are snobs.

She went onto describe them as "dumb" and "fighting a losing battle", amongst other things.

This doesn't particularly sound like something she would say in a rational state of mind. Generalizations like that are akin to saying "MOST Catholic priests diddle little boys", "MOST protestants gaybash and witchunt", or " MOST Sicilians are part of the mob".

In a repeating cycle, people from any one group who are at the fundamentalist end of the extreme are also the loudest. These are the people who want to make their arrogant and misguided views known to the world with as much muster and fanfare as they can possibly provide. Their voice does not represent the whole, rather, it makes the rest look bad. Most people are trying to live their lives, not host rallies and websites and posters that scream to the world "Everybody that believes anything other than we do are retards!"

People who spearhead fundamentalist and extreme, loud and obnoxious initiatives are all the same people; they are merely waving a different banner.

I do, however, have an opinion that can be construed as a broad, sweeping generalization.

I do believe that most people live for themselves, and work towards mostly their own interests. It's an evolved trait that's good for the survival of you or your own, but in this rapidly constructed "village" of millions and billions, there can be adverse effects.

For example, next election pay attention to what many people are saying around you. I bet it'll be something like "but this candidate is going to slash taxes, that's good." or "But this candidate will be giving us more money for child tax credit! I have six children, that's good! Vote for him!"

Very few people make statements concerning the policies that affect the good of the whole, unless it's a popular topic such as the environment. And that's only because it's a bandwagon opinion, and they're whole heartedly jumping on board (only after ensuring their candidate makes an election promise that benefits them directly).

Politicians cater to the people's whims. More so, they cater to the whims of the large conglomerates, and the large conglomerates want to ensure that the people are consumer whores. It benefits them, and what benefits them benefits the politicians.

In essence, an entitelist "not my fault" attitude is good for big business, and what's good for big business is good for the politicians. That attitude changes little among the first world, and you don't get much change between major parties, only superficial differences.

In the futuristic world of Robert A. Heinlein's Starship Troopers, the only people on Earth who are allowed to vote are people who are classed as "citizens". Sure, you can live your life without getting your citizenship. You can get a job, you can start a company, you can be the CEO of a major corporation and rake in billions of dollars if that's your aptitude. But unless you're a citizen, you can't vote.

Citizens are those who have served time in the military. Hard time. That's the only way you can get your citizenship, and that's the only way you will ever be allowed to vote.

The reason this system was instilled? Because those who have served time in the military are trained to think of the good of the whole above the good of themselves. That attitude is carried forward to the polls.

The world he created does not suffer from a draining social system, rampant frivolous lawsuits and a self centered attitude. The economy is strong, taxes are low, and people are happy. The only real threat to this planet comes from off of it, from an alien species.

Call me jaded, as good as this sounds, I don't think it will ever be possible to achieve. At least, not in the very near future.

Oh, and just for the record, the definition of atheist is as follows:

atheism is the absence of belief in deities

That's it, that's all. Anything further to that is the opinion of one person, or a group of people, and has no bearing on anyone else.

My personal feelings are a lack of empirical evidence, and the entirety of monotheistic religions claim they are correct and insist that everyone else is wrong. Accordingly, even the subsets of the same religion cannot agree; so which religion would I choose when all of them are as right, and as wrong as the next?

The answer is none of them.

At the same time, I cannot prove that said deities do not exist, and a particular religion is wrong. I believe that all have the right to practice what they believe, as long as it does not do any harm, physically or emotionally, to their own or to anyone else.

I believe in the RIGHT for anyone to uphold their own personal belief without harrasement.

And I expect the same from everyone else.

Yea, I was rambling, and I mixed in two different topics together. It's my blog and I'll do what I wanna!

==============

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Those Homosexuals

I'm a living contradiction. Even though I'm quite the insensitive jerk, I'm also all about tolerance.

I have tolerance for homosexuals just as I have tolerance for people that have different beliefs than I do, because being different is what living on this planet is all about. I even tolerate those idiotic asshats (I'm looking at you, fundamentalist religious zealots) who hate me because I'm not like them. And that makes me better than them! Whoohoo I'm better than somebody!

Today though, I'm talking about homosexuals. My stance on homosexuality is the same as my stance on heterosexuality (of which I'm a member), bi sexuality, animal humping and impaling yourself on various objects or parts while wearing leathers and cutting yourself with rusty mopeds. I want those of you who are intolerant asshats to listen closely (I'm looking at you, fundamentalist religious zealots).

WHAT HAPPENS BEHIND CLOSED DOORS BETWEEN CONSENTING ADULTS IS THEIR BUSINESS, AND THEIR BUSINESS ONLY.

Got that? Good.

Because what I'm about to say next doesn't sound particularly tolerant at all, but it's the way I feel!

Guys doing guys are gross. Really. I think about myself doing a guy and I gag. And listen here, guys, you have ALL thought about it. You cannot make a decision on your stance without thinking about it. As a matter of fact, you have to think about it just to say that you think it's gross! So chew on that.

On that subject, I've prepared some diagrams on the proper use of male body parts.
Now that we understand what the acceptable entry device is, and the uses for the rest of the male anatomy, let's look at the use of the entry device within the female anatomy.
I hope I've been clear.

Now, let's move on to my stance on lesbians.

Yummy! Would anyone else like to be the meat in that sandwich as much as I would? Well, yes, just every single one of my heterosexual male readers!

Butt (hehe) really. This is my tribute to homosexuals everywhere!


==========

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What the HELL is THAT?

Today, I used a communal digital camera to take some pictures. When downloading those pictures, I saw whoever had used the camera before me had taken some pictures of some UGLY people in some UGLY poses.

I'll admit, I'm in a mood today. And not a nice one. I'll probably regret this later, you know, in 50 years when I'm shitting myself in a nursing home, but my gentle readers are in for an extra special treat.

Today, I went to google images and searched for UGLY PEOPLE!

Here are some of the Gems I found. Let's take a look shall we?

The Alien.
Chick magnet is right! Is it just me, or did Dumbo the flying elephant have a love child with E.T? I don't think I have any words to describe the sexiness that is this alien bastard child. Guys, if you're feeling nasty, have a look at this picture. You'll feel better.

Snake Boy
Shhh! Look at this folks! It's the native Australian snake boy in his natural habitat! Isn't he a beaut! I snapped this photo just before he was going to inject his prey, a corn dog, with venom and wait until it died so he could unhinge his jaws even further to swallow it whole! Boy, I wouldn't want to cross paths with this menacing creature!

Hungry Hungry Hippos!God forbid you should be the object of these ladies lust. It seems we have a combination of things: A sexual lust, the inability to chew or gauge the amount of food eaten, and a complete and total lack of shame. They do come in handy when filling an olympic sized pool when you're low on water. Simply lower these four into the hole and pour in a small bottle of spring water. Tada! Full pool!

"I think I just threw up a little in my mouth"Is it a man? Is it a woman? In any case, it's FUGLY!

Gone Overboard

When is enough, enough? Some people don't really understand the concept of moderation. In any event, this douche's worst enemy is magnets - and job interviews.

The reason:

'Nuff Said.

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Unidentified Flying Anus
Kids Fashion: What the hell?
The Absurdity of the Canadian Criminal Code
Starbucks is Burnt Crap

Fucking rant, mother fucker!

I need to blow off a little steam.

After work today, I took the pup to the park. On the way home, I decided to go to the grocery store to get some food. I turn into the grocery store parking lot and what do I see? A fucking douchebag in a piece of shit Taurus wagon blocking BOTH lanes of traffic, waiting for someone to back out of a spot. Lets look at the illustration, shall we?
I wait for what seems like an eternity (about 20 seconds) and then decide I've had enough and pull past these douches and into a spot. The douche pulls into a spot just ahead of me, and gives me a glance. You know the glance. The glance of road rage. The glance that means "what the hell did you do that for, you IN THE WRONG ASSHOLE".

I shoot her the same look back, turn off the truck, tell Jinx I'd be right back and proceed to the store.

Both the drivers side door and the passenger side door fly open and out get a pair of the fattest, ugliest, greasiest, bull dyke lesbians I have EVER seen in my life! They have NO redeeming qualities about them WHATSOEVER. They aren't even worth a cheap threesome after getting drunk. There is no amount of beer on this planet!

The uglier, fatter passenger cranks open her maw. I swear I catch a whiff of rotten tuna when I hear her say "that was fucking ignorant!"

So I look at her and say "WHAT"

After four or five seconds of cud chewing, she replies, "That was just ignorant! You saw us waiting for that space and you WHIPPED around us and took it!"

And I looked at her again and said "WHAT"

She took a moment to scratch at her udders with her hind paw and said "You heard me, that was plain ignorant!'

I hadn't stopped walking towards the store, and both of them were waddling as fast as their fat little legs could carry them to keep up. I had thought about going a little faster, but I heard that people that grossly and morbidly obese could break bones if they went too fast.

At this point we were in the store.

Once more she opened her greasy, disgusting pimple covered maw and said "YOU'RE IGNORANT! YOU JUST WHIPPED AROUND US AND TOOK OUR SPOT!"

I stopped, turned around and looked at IT straight in ITS bovine eyes and said "First off, I didn't whip around you. I waited behind you for almost a minute. Secondly, you know what's fucking ignorant? Blocking both directions of traffic."

She opened her maw again, and before she could utter a single moo I said "NOW FUCK OFF!"

Her eyes glazed over, she turned back to her partner and they both waddled away, leaving me to shop in peace. I finished up my shopping, and paid for my purchases. As I was leaving the cash register, I saw them both down the aisle. I looked at them, and they didn't make eye contact. They moved away and I continued on my way, got into the truck and went home to make my dinner.

Here's the thing. Had they first approached me with their concerns in a decent manner, I would have reciprocated in kind. They were at fault, as was I. We were both guilty of road rage. I'm a reasonable guy, but when presented with bullshit anger (depending on the situation) I will tell you exactly where to go.

In this case, they found out that, yes, they were blocking two lanes of traffic and were being indecisive about their actions. Because of their own ignorance, they were stalling everyone else trying to get in and out of that parking lot. Everyone is human, everyone makes mistakes. If she wanted to have a civil conversation, she would have found out she was blocking two lanes of traffic. She would have apologized, and I would have apologized, and we all would have gotten on with our day. Instead, she found out that she was being a douchebag by yelling at somebody, and having somebody bigger, meaner, and louder give it right back to her.

I didn't like what happened. I didn't like my reaction. I don't feel good about what I did, what I said, or how I reacted. However, she did have it coming to her, and I hope she feels like a fucking heel.

Rant over.

=======

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Get off the road, you blue haired dolt!
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More fodder for perverted google searches!

Smelly, stinky, disgusting, juicy, squishy, raunchy, ELEPHANT ANAL ORAL!

One of my COW WORKERS saw that and he became excited. This is what happened.

Spazoid: What in the hell are you doing?
COW WORKER: ELEPHANT SEX! DAAAAAAAARRGH! ME WANT ELEPHANT SEX!
Spazoid: Huh?
COW WORKER: I WANT DAT ELEPHANT TO PUT HIS TRUNK IN MY BUM!

Spazoid tries to explain that it's just a funny picture of two paperweights.

COW WORKER: NOOOO! I LIKE BIG THINGS IN MY BUM! DAARGH!
Spazoid: Shhh! Keep your voice down or your mom will come and take you home again!
COW WORKER: i like big things in my bum!
Spazoid: If you forget about it I'll get you an apple juice! Who wants an apple juice!
COW WORKER: NO NO NO NO NO!
COW WORKER: I just made poopie! In my pants!
Spazoid: Ok, how about we call your receptionist to clean you up and get an ice cream? Would you like that?
COW WORKER: DAAAAARGH! ICE KWEEM! DAAARGH!
Spazoid: Oh, Lucy! Clean up on isle one!

Hard to find good management these days, isn't it?

*Note: Told you I was a self indulgent ass, didn't I?

===============

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For all the disgusting google perverts that make it to my site.
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Situational Acceptability

Dealing with the Evangalistic Douchebag

Why do Christian Evangelists feel the need to make the second thing they say to you "have you let Jesus into your heart?" You know, if they took the time to know you better, they'd know the answer to that question. Don't they know that this falls into the same line as annoying as hell telemarketers trying to sell a shitty product or service? Why are they trying to cheapen their belief by becoming nothing more than a door to door crappy vacuum salesmen?

If they took the time to actually talk to me, they'd find out that I don't believe in their invisible sky fairy any more than I believe in any one else's invisible sky fairy. I don't try to proselytize any Christians into atheism, why should I? Your beliefs are your own and you are welcome to them. I don't want to push any thing onto anybody, I really, truly don't care if you believe in Jesus, or Allah, or some sort of magical purple unicorn that flies out of your ass every stinking night.

The funny thing is, if there was atheist evangelists, the religious evangelists would cry foul. THOSE ATHEISTS ARE DESCRIMINATORS! SUE THEM! ARREST THEM! STOP THEM! Seriously, try that with an evangelist and see how upset they get. I guess it's ok for them to do it to others, but turnabout isn't fair play. Do they not realize that by pushing your beliefs on others, it's the same as saying "you're an idiot for believing what you believe. Only our beliefs are correct, and you're going to hell." The hypocrisy some of these evangelists spout is thick and palatable.

Let's get one thing straight, evangelists. There is as much physical, empirical, and quantitative evidence for your invisible sky fairy as any one else's, and that evidence is NONE. No one living has seen your god, and those who have come from a thousands of years old book that has no historical backing. You heard me. Understand that the winners write the history books. The societies that have won the wars, that have taken dominance over the lands, these are the people who get their stories told. And these stories usually are extremely biased. Historians know this, so before something becomes historical fact, historians look for records of the same events from different societies. Preferably enemies of the winners. If the two more or less agree, it becomes fact.

THERE ARE NO AGREEMENTS ON HOLY BOOKS.

Everything remains, your belief. So you see, EVERY religion is on a level playing field. Understand? I know you don't, Mr. Evangelist Douchebag, which is why I've scripted a response to you. Anyone who wants to use it, please feel free.

Evangelist Douche: Hello Mr. Spazoid, nice day isn't it.
Spazoid: Sure is, how are you today.
Evangelist Douche: Just fine, have you let Jesus into your heart?
Spazoid: No, but I let him into my trunk.
Evangelist Douche: Pardon?
Spazoid: Yea, when I was vacationing in Cozumel.
Evangelist Douche: I don't understand?
Spazoid: Yea, he wanted to get across the border, and I felt sorry for him. So I let him into my trunk to smuggle him across. The problem was, the retard made ALL sorts of noise at the border. Something about going to the bathroom. I left the guy an empty bottle back there to use, what the hell?
Evangelist Douche: Sir, I don't see how -
Spazoid: Yea, the border patrol had to arrest him. I had to act all "Holey shit! How the hell did he get in there!" to avoid getting arrested. Boy, was he was pissed!
Evangelist Douche: But you don't get it, I -
Spazoid: He wasn't nearly as pissed as the girl I was seeing at the time. That was her father! I didn't get laid for a month!
Evangelist Douche: *Stammering uncontrollably*
Spazoid: Are we done here? Get off my porch.

Good luck to all!

March 2, 2008 UPDATE!

To those who haven't seen this before, how'd you like this to come knocking at your door? And are you as disgusted as I am?



========

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Unidentified Flying Anus

The other night, I was watching a show on the Space channel. It was all about people who claim to have been abducted by Aliens. The stories were amazingly consistent - because there were only four people interviewed (I'm sure the show edited out all the inconsistencies for better ratings). One of the things that the abductees claimed the aliens did was all sorts of probing, including ANAL probing.

What, exactly, can you learn from anal probing?

This is why I'm convinced that if this is true, it's a giant, interstellar practical joke that one species of aliens are playing on another.

Here's how I think it would go.

Alien #1 - Kaptardj, I just snatched another batch. Get the lower orifice probe ready, would you?
Alien #2 - Snardikjas, I don't know. We've been probing the lower orifice of these humans for years now, and all we've found is some stinky brown stuff - EVERY TIME.
Alien #1 - I know it seems like a lot of work, but the Chartulans from the Omacron Gamma system tell us that one in every 2 million humans produces dark matter from it's lower orifice. Can you imagine! A renewable source of fuel for our ship, all for free!
Alien #2 - Praise Jesus!
Alien #1 - What the heck is a Jesus?
Alien #2 - I'm not sure. I was probing a female human, and she gave me this pamphlet and started talking about some sort of Jesus fellow. She told me she was something called a 'Jehova's Witness".
Alien #1 - And then what happened?
Alien #2 - She told me to probe deeper, harder and faster.
Alien #1 - Hmmm, I see. Well anyways, lets get to work. We've only probed 1 million humans thus far, but we're getting close, I can taste it!
Alien #2 - On it, boss!
Alien #1 - Kaptardj, the LOWER orifice, you retard!
Alien #2 - *POP!*, sorry boss!

According to these abductees, one of the things that the aliens were trying to do was to make a human/alien cross breed. For some reason, the aliens told them once perfected, they were going to introduce them into the human population for some reason. They are described as tiny little things with huge, bulbous heads. You know what? I think they are here already! Have a look!

============

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Perverted Video

The Gym Douche

Last night, I was at the gym. Just as I finished loading the bench press with weights, she walked out of the women's change room.

Fifty feet away, she started walking in my direction. She wore a form fitting outfit with a form to match. Not an ounce of fat on this girl, and just the prefect amount of muscle. She had an ass that just wouldn't quit, breasts that defied gravity, and she walked with a wiggle that made my willy tingle. She was the goddess of the gym, and at that moment, had she asked me to do ANYTHING for her, I would have done it.

Then she got close.

Have you heard the term "good from far, but far from good"? How about "butterface", as in everything is good, but her face? No? Well you've heard them now and they apply to this former vision of a goddess.

She had a pretty enough face, I guess, underneath the three inch deep layer of make up. What turned me off, was the "I'm better than you douche" sneer on her face. If anybody looked her way, she shot them a very brief dirty look, as if to say "YOU are not good enough for ME." She looked and acted as if her shit did not stink. Her bum might not have smelled, but there was a rather unpleasant odor about her.

This girl took a bath in the most disgustingly fragrant perfume I've smelled in my life.

As I took this hideous smell in, my chest constricted and I became short of breath. The smell was THAT STRONG. I wonder if she knew just how offensive she was?

For the next hour, I watched this douchebag prance around the gym like she owned the place. The worst part was that she did not put her weights away, and that REALLY aggravates me. If she loaded some plates on a machine, she left them there. If she grabbed a barbell or dumbell from the rack, she left them where they lay when she was done with them. As if gym etiquette didn't apply to her, as if people should clean up after her like the GODDESS she thought she was!

That, my friends, is a real life example of the type of douche you run into on a daily basis. The worst part? If I decided to teach her a lesson by taking ALL the weights she didn't put away and loading them up on her chest, I'd be arrested for it.

I'd like to introduce some legislation that would make being a douchebag illegal. At the very least, any douchebag should be snipped so they could not reproduce and make more douchebags. Who wants to start writing letters to politicians with me?

===========

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Bathroom Etiquette

Etiquette is a human condition caused by societal morals. There are proper etiquettes that are universal among humans, such as respecting someones space, and there are local etiquettes, such as which hand to take change with.

Today, I'd like to talk about bathroom etiquette.

In the Men's Room

Hopefully, the ladies will learn something valuable, and those pushy, immoral men will too. For the ladies, men's room have these things called urinals. It's kind of like a porcelain shelf in the wall that men pee into. Think of a vase with a drain, right?

Proper etiquette means that as men, you must choose the correct urinal. If there are three urinals and all are empty, you must choose one to the extreme left, or extreme right, whichever one is closest to the door. If you choose the one farthest away from the door, that might mean that you enjoy being in a room with naked penis's expelling waste, which no man wants on his conscience.

Also, you can NOT take one in the middle. This will force another man who is coming into the bathroom to take a urinal right beside you. This is considered gay. Even if you are gay, it's in poor taste. Even if he is also gay, he might have a lover. See how this works?

For those going into the bathroom, never, ever take a urinal beside one thats occupied if you can possibly help it. If there are five urinals and urinals #2 and #4 are empty, use a stall. You may ONLY use a urinal directly beside an occupied urinal if all the stalls are taken as well. This is not considered gay, because you have no other choice in the matter.

Using more than a nod or a grunt to awknoledge another urinal users presence will be considered gay. The only exception to this is if you know the guy, but you still can't look at him. Look straight ahead, at the wall, at all times. If you try to look anywhere else, it'll be considered trying to look at a naked man wiggly and that's just gay.

In the Ladies Room

Honestly, I don't have a frigging clue what kind of etiquette goes on in a ladies room. I do know that ladies never go alone. They go with their friend, or in herds. If men did that, that would be considered gay and in bad taste. Anything that might make a man be considered gay in bad taste. It's not correct, it's not rational, but that's what makes men, men. I digress.

I imagine that women cannot go pee alone in a public rest room because it takes more than one woman to perform the necessary bodily function. I can very easily imagine women being germaphobes and not wanting to touch the toilet bowl with any part of their anatomy. That's fair enough, I guess. How do I think this is done, you ask? I'll tell you.

It takes three woman to perform this task. The woman needing to use the toilet attaches strings to her skirt. She then throws them over the side of the stall, where the skirt lifter is waiting. The skirt lifter tugs on the strings, exposing the womans buttocks and poon tang so she doesn't get anything wet. Then, she extends her arms and her friend, the spotter, takes hold. They go toe to toe, and the spotter slowly lowers the girl so that her bum is just hovering over the toilet, but not touching it. The woman does her business, the spotter lifts her up, and the skirt lifter lowers the skirt. This process is repeated until all women have evacuated themselves.

This also explains why it takes women so damned long to use the restroom.

Others

You might be saying, "but spazoid, there is no other restrooms other than ladies and mens!" You'd be right in telling me that. But in todays society of loosely defined genders, there should be.

Take transvestites for example. There are many different kinds. Pre-Op, Post-Op, men that are almost ladies, and yes, ladies that are almost men. What room should they use, and what sort of etiquette should apply?

Spazoid is normally a rather tolerant man, so he will say this: If you have a penis, but you look like a lady, use a bush outside you freak.

You ladies can deal with the rest of them. Or until you explain to me the rules of ladies bathroom etiquette.
==============

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Kids Fashion: What the hell?

I recently went to a local college to write a test for my water operations license. Even though it's been less than a decade since I left college, all of the kids looked so young. It's amazing the aging and maturing that occurs in only a decades time. Truly, we are a very dynamic species.

The other thing I noticed was what the kids were wearing. I don't know if it's just me, but aren't we getting more and more fashion retarded or what?

Lets start with the eye wear. You think the 80's trend for aviator glasses was bad? Think again. Kids are wearing sunglasses that are so large as to make Bobo the fucking clown think twice about putting it on. Seriously. You don't even look good with those glasses. It completely covers your face and makes the prettiest nose look puggy and piggy. What's up with that?

And why the hell are you wearing your PAJAMA'S around outside? When did sleepwear become practical day wear? When did seventeen year olds start wanting to look like toddlers? All you'd need to complete the look is a pacifier and a huggies bulge.

I really hate when kids wear pants hung somewhere around their genitals with their underwear pulled up somewhere around their nipples. I guess these guys have never been pansed, because that fashion would NEVER make it to the streets. I guess it's all supply and demand too, because no respectable manufacturer would make crotches on pants that hang that low. Who wants to walk around looking like they shat themselves for a week straight? Teenagers, I guess.

Kids, PUT YOUR FUCKING HAT ON STRAIGHT. Ok? Baseball caps are designed so that the bill of the cap keeps the sun out of your eyes. How's it going to do that if it's pulled off to the side at some weird angle? Every time I'm cut off by a shitty old Honda Civic and I see that stupid little ass wearing that cap crooked, up and to the side I want to catch up with him, pull him out of his car and beat him until he ruins his "tough guy" image by bawling incessantly for his mommy.

One thing that irks me is the latest trend of look homogenization. All the girls look like the other girls, and all the boys look like the other boys. Walking into a high school or college is like walking into a family renunion, albeit an inbred one. I walk out of the place CONVINCED that some poor woman birthed 132 children all at the same time.

Want to hear something really funny? All of the goth kids. Yea. They swear up and down that they're different, that they don't go with the trends, that they are original and unique. Sure, you WOULD be unique if you DIDN'T LOOK LIKE EVERY OTHER GOTH KID IN THE FUCKING WORLD!

Kids, change out of your pajamas, pull your pants up, wear some glasses that fit your face and original clothing. Please. You might even start earning some respect you DEMAND to have, until you break yet another promise or tell yet another lie.

-Spazoid, the always has been jeans and t-shirt guy.

Those Dirty Fag Suckers

For all of those politically correct overboard junkies, don't get your panties in a bunch. When I refer to dirty fag sucker, I'm talking about cigarette smoking, not the other kind of smoking.

From here on in, cigarettes shall be referred to the proper term "fag", as they are called in England. And I shall refer to fag smokers as "dirty fag smokers", because smoking fags is a dirty, filthy, disgusting habit.

Fag smoking is such a dirty habit, and I'm ashamed to admit that I've done a lot of fag smoking in the past. The first time I smoked a fag, my reflex reaction was to cough, sputter, and spit until every last molecule of the white stuff was expelled from my insides. So what did I do? I took another suck.

Fag sucking first starts off as a result of peer pressure. All of the cool kids are sucking on fags, and all of your friends are sucking on fags. You're offered fag after fag after fag, until finally you give in and start sucking on a fag to fit in. You derive no pleasure from the first few fags. That does not last.

After your body gets over it's initial fag rejection, and you begin sucking more and more fags, you begin to develop a fag buzz. It's a light headed euphoric feeling that fag sucking gives you, and you enjoy it. It's a legal high! No wonder all the cool kids do it!

Soon afterwards, the fags let you down in a big way. You see, your body accustoms itself to sucking on fags, and the fag buzz is replaced with addiction.

That's right my friends, you no longer WANT to suck on a fag. You NEED to suck on a fag.

The more fags you suck, the more fags you need. For those of you who have never been addicted to fag sucking, you can liken it to hunger for food. Your body NEEDS food, and when you go without it your brain can focus on very little but to go find food. Once you have food, and are sated, you mind can focus on other things. That's what it's like with fags. If you go without a fag for too long, your mind can think about nothing but sucking on that long, slim fag until you've had your fill. You're only focus is to go and suck on that fag.

Some people try to justify smoking fags by sucking on the light fags. The problem with light fags is that your body needs a certain amount of fag, and smoking light fags just means you'll smoke more of them and more often to get the fag your body requires.

Once you are truly and thoroughly addicted to fags, it's almost impossible to quit. Doctors say that a fag addiction is harder to give up than cocaine. I agree. Apparently, your body needs the active chemical in fag. Once you start smoking fags, your body stops making the chemical because it gets all it needs from fag sucking. When you try to quit, it takes your body time to adjust to it and start making the fag chemical again. In the meantime, you go CRAZY!

Most who try to give up fag sucking will never do so because they make excuses about it. They say that it's not the right time, that they are too stressed right now. You see, they will always have some sort of stress in their lives, that's what living is all about. Life causes stress, it's a fact. The funny thing is, that the stress they are actually talking about is the stress caused by not sucking on any fags. People insist that after sucking on a fag, their stress level goes down, it calms them, they can focus on other things. The stress is caused by your bodies need for the fag chemical itself! Of course you feel more relaxed after you fill that need!

I gave up dirty fag sucking about 2 1/2 years ago. It was probably the hardest thing I had ever done. Fags are very expensive now. It's ten dollars for a pack of fags, and twenty-five fags come in a pack. Yes, I was sucking on twenty-five fags a day! I went through withdrawal, I got sick, I was stressed, but in the end I did it. I wanted to do it for my health, as fag sucking causes heart disease and lung cancer and a whole host of other maladies, and that scared me. I ended up finally quitting fag sucking for financial reasons. I had just purchase my home and I was very short on money. Could you imagine losing your home for something as silly as the need to suck on fags? The truth of the matter is that it took me almost a whole year before I was completely over my addiction to fags. Long after the chemical dependency has dissipated, the habit is still there. It takes a long time for your brain to adjust to not sucking on fags at break times, at lunch time, in your car, with a coffee, with a beer.

I'm glad I gave it up. Fag sucking is gross. After you suck on a fag, you STINK, and the area STINKS. Fag suckers don't understand how much they actually smell after sucking on fags all day until they stop sucking on fags themselves. Fags also leave stains on your fingers and teeth, and you end up with little fag holes all over your clothing.

Kids, if you've never sucked on a dirty fag before, do not start. If you have started, stop now before it's too late. Trust me, you might think it's cool now, but you WILL regret it when you're older and can't stop sucking on fags.

People of the world unit, let's stop dirty fag sucking!