Why I'll never be a superhero

As promised, but probably not well received, I'd like to talk more about my superpower. Except I have come to the conclusion that it's not actually a superpower and it doesn't actually make me a superhero.

You see, superhero's can do things. Spider man can climb walls and shoot webs out of his wrists (Stan Lee probably didn't want to make the last one TOO accurate) and superman can fly and shoot lasers out of his eyes. What can I do? Making lots of poo unnaturally? The best I could ever hope for is to catch a purse snatcher running, poop in his way just before he gets there and hope he slips and falls.

That's why I'm going to have to add to my power if I ever want to become a superhero.

I'm going to have to learn how to projectile poop.

It's not going to be easy. I mean, my body wasn't designed for projectile pooping, it was designed to let it go gently so as not to break the porcelain. Being in engineering, I know that if I want to produce more pressure, I have to make a constriction. Therefore, I have to attach a poop nozzle to my ass. Kind of like a fire nozzle but for poo.

I then realized that if I was to get a poop nozzle, I'd have to get my ass muscles into the proper shape to force the poop past the greater ass constriction, otherwise this might happen:
And I really, really don't want that to happen.

So in order to get my ass muscles in shape I'd have to hire some personal trainers. And who would know more about getting rectums into shape than homosexual personal trainers?

And then there's the ammunition. I'd have to think very carefully about what I ate. For example, if I knew my enemy was going to be big, strong and slow, I'd have to eat a box or two of all bran for the big bomber. If my enemy was going to be lite and fast, I'd be eating corn for that machine gun effect.

My super hero apparel would have to be appropriate for my power as well.
But then I realized this:

I'd be strutting around in a speedo with an open butt crack, with something that looked like a dildo sticking out of it. My two companions, Biff and Lance, would be flaming harder than Liberachi, and I'd have no choice to go by the name "Butt plug man" or "The Incredible Poop Man!" or "Anus McGhee."

That really, really isn't going to help me get a girlfriend.

And that's why I'll never be a superhero.

Superheroes that will never be.

This morning, I was thinking about super heroes. And my incredibly small and twisted mind came up with a few super heroes that you will never see in the comics.

Enjoy.



Bate Man

The Incredible Sulk

Magenta Lantern

Super (special) Man

Iron Man

Tangerine*Update: As per mooooog's suggestion, I'd like to add the following:

The Frash

Girly Man

XXX Man

Isn't he sexy, ladies?

The Fantastic Whore

Just who does she think she is?

Anybody know this girl?

That's right, it's Carrie Underwood. The sweet, unnasuming young lady that won herself an American Idhole.

Now she's gone from a sweetie to a slutty just like that. I guess it's what popularity and a honking huge paycheque gets you.

She's got two popular songs.

In the first, she uses her roll model status to show all the young ladies how not to be the bigger person. Apparently, her boyfriend goes on a date with another woman, and that earns his expensive vehicle getting destroyed.

So this tells us she's:

*Petty
*Jelous
*Irrational
*Destructive
*Stupid
*Vindictive
*and a whole bunch of other stuff.

Her next stupendous and thought provoking edifice describes how this young skank goes out to a bar, gets totally hammered, picks up a random guy, screws his brains out and marries him. She also looks down on anybody that isn't rich. Apparently a man is now measured by the size of his paycheque too, but hers doesn't matter.

So who exactly does she think she is, anyways?


'Nuff Said.

IQ disassociation.

Have you ever noticed that when you're in a room with a bunch of really dumb people, the longer you're in that room with them the smarter they seem to get - and the dumber you seem to get - until you leave that is. Get a little fresh air, shake your head a bit and you say - MAN! What a bunch of retards!

That's because intelligence is like heat.

Heat will naturally dissipate from hot to cool, averaging the temperature out to a homogeneous single temperature depending on the amount of heat energy available in the first place.

So, should you have an IQ of 100 and walk into a room with someone that has an IQ of 50 - say George Bush or Paris Hilton, eventually the IQ would seep out at about 75 ish, depending on how long you stay. It takes a long, long time with only one idiot.

But say you have an IQ of 100 and walk into a room full of jibbering retards - say an NRA convention - and it won't be too long before you're guffawing it up and stroking a shot gun barrel like your penis when you were 14 and found your dads back issues of Hustler.

This also works with activities. Take a group of men, add football and beer. Each man's IQ will go down by 10 points for each additional man that enters the room. The same goes for women mixed with shopping malls or erotica parties.

This natural phenomena perfectly explains the idiocy of congress, the senate, and hippies.

So next time you're partying your face off or hanging out with a bunch of office managers, catch your drool and remember this post, because you know I'm right.

The story of passover told by a Jewish Atheist Asshole

Disclaimer: If you are hyper religious and/or easily offended by religious parody, don't read any further. Seriously. Fuck off and don't come back, ok? You've been warned.

Forthwith, the word 'gawd' will be used to denote the Abrahamic invisible magical sky faerie no one living has ever seen or spoken to.

Once, a long long time ago, in the great land of Egypt, a Pharaoh sat on his throne, completely enamored by his kingdom and his status of god.
Pharaoh: Subjects! Build me a great pyramid so that I have somewhere to go when I kick the bucket! And make it really, really big, cuz I'm god, didn't you know.
Subject: Certainly sir! It'll take fifty years, but we'll get er done!
Pharaoh: Dude, I ain't gonna make it no fifty years. Get some slaves. That'll make it go quick.
Subject: Ok, I'll round up some big strong Africans.
Pharaoh: NO! Are you whacked? There's lots of them, and they can kick our asses. Also, I hear they hold a grudge for a really, really long time. Go round up those Jews. They're not strong or good at sports, but there's lots of them. And they're easy to control, just takes a whip.

And so the Jews were rounded up. Gawd looked down at the plight of his chosen people. He could have stopped it there and then, before it got bad and his people suffered, but they were getting pretty damned whiny and he thought they could use a bit of humility. Also, Gawd is an asshole.

Every single Jew on the entire continent now lived in Egypt, except for the Jewish American Princess's. They annoyed the crap out of Pharaoh so he had them sent to New York City.

The Jews toiled and slaved. This went on for generations. The Jews prayed to their gawd, but he was too busy playing pocket pool over an issue of hustler to pay any attention.

One day a Jewish woman shat a kid. It was a boy, and she didn't want it to be taken away to slavery. So she built a little boat and floated him down the river, praying to gawd to save this little boy from the certain death his mother had set upon him. And did gawd scratch his nuts and fart!

An Egyptian woman found moses and took him as her own. Moses grew up as a spoiled Egyptian kid.

One day as moses was smoking some dope, a bush lit itself on fire and started talking to him. Moses figured it was the dope, but gawd set him straight.

Gawd: Moses, I fucked up. The Jews are the chosen people.
Moses: Yea I know! We chose them to build our shit!
Gawd: You moron. You're a Jew. Your mom floated you down the river and your Egyptian mom found you. I need you to march into Pharaoh's palace and tell him to let your people go.
Moses: Screw you asswipe! Just for that, I'm going to whip the Jews even harder!
Gawd: Then I shall give you a tiny five inch penis! SHAZAM!

And moses saw that his penis had shrunk to investment banker size. And he screamed.

Gawd: Now go do my bidding and I'll give you your junk back!

So did moses march into Pharaoh's palace and demand his people be let free. And so did Pharaoh laugh. Moses went back to the burning bush (after smoking another few doobies).

Gawd: What did pharaoh say?
Moses: aren't' you like omnipotent or something? Shouldn't you know?
Gawd: Yea, but the people that'll be reading the book for the next few thousand years won't be particularly literate for the most part. Also, the people writing it will be even less so. We'll have to use poor metaphors and explain everything so they don't get frustrated and go bang some sheep.
Moses: K. He told me to go screw myself, but before I did that I'm to report to slavery tomorrow. You asshole! At least give me back my giant schlong! I'm tired of this schlittle!
Gawd: Whatever you whiny little pervert. Go tell pharaoh to let the Jews go OR ELSE.
Moses: Or else what?
Gawd: YEA!
Moses: ooooo k.

So did Moses go back to Pharaoh's palace.

Moses: Let my people go! Or else!
Pharaoh: Or else what?
Moses: YEA!
Pharaoh: Don't you have a pyramid to build?

And so gawd devised a plan for what else. He'd set some plagues about. First, he made the water turn into blood. Ok, so it wasn't blood, it was just cherry Kool aid dumped in the Nile. And the Egyptians cursed, for he hadn't put enough sugar in. Kool aid without sugar sucks.

Then gawd sent a bunch of frogs. And the Egyptians ate French! Yummy.

Then he sent Gnats. But there were still a bunch of frogs from the last plague and they ate them all. DOH!

Fine, I'll just send flies then! And the frogs ate the flies too. DUH!

Then gawd diseased the livestock. So the Egyptians ate MORE frogs! Yummy!

Then came boils, hail, and locusts.

Pharaoh: Head builder dood. How's my pyramid coming?
Builder: Pretty much done sir. We just need to install the cappuccino maker.
Pharaoh: Do we need Jews for that?
Builder: Nah, Nadine down in reception said she'd do it, and make us coffee's too!
Pharaoh: Ok, let all the Jews go then, the last three plagues have gotten a tad annoying.
Gawd: SCREW YOU JERK! I worked long and hard on those plagues, and I'll be damned if I don't get to unleash my last one! I'm going to harden your heart!
Pharaoh: UGH! Ummm... ARGH! I NEED A SUN ROOM! KEEP ALL THE JEWS!

So the angel of death passed by and killed every one of the first born Egyptians in a completely unnecessary orgy of blood and torture. Gawd stroked his mullet and opened a beer, and was pleased.

Moses gathered up the Jews, and headed off into the sunset. Not known to them, a contingent of Egyptian soldiers was coming after them. The Jews were stopped by the red sea. Moses turned around and saw the Egyptian soldiers in the distance. There were probably about a dozen of them, because you know, Gawd just killed the bulk of the young Egyptians.

Moses: What are we going to do! There's ten or twelve Egyptians and only 5,000 of us! Argh!
Gawd: Fine, you whiny little turd. I'll part the sea for you.

And Gawd farted, and the sea parted.

Moses: Everybody across!
Jew #1: But I'll get my feet wet!
Jew #2: Won't my hair get frizzy from the moisture?
Jew #3: I'm slightly allergic to shellfish! What If I step on a shrimp and get a tiny rash?
Jew #4: Oiy! Can somebody carry me? I'm tired!

And Moses asked Gawd if he really wanted to save the Jews. Gawd told him to shut up and made his penis an inch shorter. And Moses wailed!

So the Jews ran across the read sea. The Egyptians were about 20 feet in when Gawd made the waters come back. And the Egyptians got their feet wet. The red sea is really shallow. Defeated, the Egyptians returned to the bank to dry off their feet.

The Jews started walking in the desert. They got really thirsty. Moses, needing to make up for his now minuscule penis, started beating on a rock and telling it to give him water. Gawd make the rock spew forth water, to shut Moses up before he hurt himself.

The Jews wandered further, and got hungry. Gawd gave them mana from the heavens to snack on. Of course, the Jews were delirious from heat stroke and didn't realize they were actually eating camel patties. So much the better.

The Jews wandered for years and years. Forty years to be exact. It would have taken them a few months had the gotten directions, but Moses wasn't about to take directions from a goy!

Finally, they found their promised land. Bordering their lands were the Muslims, whom they thought were wonderfully nice people to be neighbors with. They couldn't wait to have block parties! It was going to be fun.

Moses: Yay! Our promised land! I can't wait!
Gawd: Did I forget to mention? You're old now. ZZZAPP!

And did Moses have a brain aneurysm and die.

So every year we celebrate how our all powerful Gawd that no one alive has ever spoken to neglected to prevent us from terrible tragedy, but let us go through generations of torture. We celebrate how our omnipotent all powerful leader lead us free of slavery by committing gruesome tortures that could have been prevented by not "hardening" a pharaoh's heart. We celebrate gawd choosing to let us wander in a horrid desert for forty years! We celebrate a story that's probably not true, in a book full of fairy tales.

I'm not complaining though, my mom cooks a great feast!

On with the food!

===========

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Roadrage mother fucker!

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Stupidity

Stupidity is prevalent all around us. Everywhere I go, I see stupid people doing stupid things. I was reminded of that last week when I got gas, and this is what I saw (of course, I had to snap a pic).
I can see it now. "Hey boss! Where do you want these boxes that have to be stored in a cool, dry place?" "I don't know Jethro, how about in that there big giant puddle of water?" "Ok goober! You got it!"

DUH! People can't even follow SIMPLE printed instructions.

Stupidity is prevalent everywhere. Seriously. Try talking to people using big words that have more than two syllables. Nine out of ten people will look back at you just like this:
So in honour of stupidity, I googled the word and am going to share with you the first few items found.

Look at this girl.

Apparently dipping her tostito's in a jar of salsa AND sitting on the couch at the same time was just too complex for her. She tried doing all three at once and just fell right over on the floor!

How about this kid?
I can just see how it went right now. "Dargh, horsey! Mommy biwwee wanna go wide horsee! Darrgh!" Never mind the kid is probably 18 years old and still wearing diapers.

Oh, check this idiot out!
"Hey ma! I made me a hand gun that takes artillery shells!" This retard died when the recoil hit him in the head and forced his nose through his face and out the back of the skull. At least we have one less retard out there.

This guy here couldn't be bothered to rent a pick up truck. Now, he'll be buying a new car. DUH!

And the very FIRST thing I found when I searched for stupidity?


'Nuff Said.

==========

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Dealing with the Evangalistic Douchebag

Why do Christian Evangelists feel the need to make the second thing they say to you "have you let Jesus into your heart?" You know, if they took the time to know you better, they'd know the answer to that question. Don't they know that this falls into the same line as annoying as hell telemarketers trying to sell a shitty product or service? Why are they trying to cheapen their belief by becoming nothing more than a door to door crappy vacuum salesmen?

If they took the time to actually talk to me, they'd find out that I don't believe in their invisible sky fairy any more than I believe in any one else's invisible sky fairy. I don't try to proselytize any Christians into atheism, why should I? Your beliefs are your own and you are welcome to them. I don't want to push any thing onto anybody, I really, truly don't care if you believe in Jesus, or Allah, or some sort of magical purple unicorn that flies out of your ass every stinking night.

The funny thing is, if there was atheist evangelists, the religious evangelists would cry foul. THOSE ATHEISTS ARE DESCRIMINATORS! SUE THEM! ARREST THEM! STOP THEM! Seriously, try that with an evangelist and see how upset they get. I guess it's ok for them to do it to others, but turnabout isn't fair play. Do they not realize that by pushing your beliefs on others, it's the same as saying "you're an idiot for believing what you believe. Only our beliefs are correct, and you're going to hell." The hypocrisy some of these evangelists spout is thick and palatable.

Let's get one thing straight, evangelists. There is as much physical, empirical, and quantitative evidence for your invisible sky fairy as any one else's, and that evidence is NONE. No one living has seen your god, and those who have come from a thousands of years old book that has no historical backing. You heard me. Understand that the winners write the history books. The societies that have won the wars, that have taken dominance over the lands, these are the people who get their stories told. And these stories usually are extremely biased. Historians know this, so before something becomes historical fact, historians look for records of the same events from different societies. Preferably enemies of the winners. If the two more or less agree, it becomes fact.

THERE ARE NO AGREEMENTS ON HOLY BOOKS.

Everything remains, your belief. So you see, EVERY religion is on a level playing field. Understand? I know you don't, Mr. Evangelist Douchebag, which is why I've scripted a response to you. Anyone who wants to use it, please feel free.

Evangelist Douche: Hello Mr. Spazoid, nice day isn't it.
Spazoid: Sure is, how are you today.
Evangelist Douche: Just fine, have you let Jesus into your heart?
Spazoid: No, but I let him into my trunk.
Evangelist Douche: Pardon?
Spazoid: Yea, when I was vacationing in Cozumel.
Evangelist Douche: I don't understand?
Spazoid: Yea, he wanted to get across the border, and I felt sorry for him. So I let him into my trunk to smuggle him across. The problem was, the retard made ALL sorts of noise at the border. Something about going to the bathroom. I left the guy an empty bottle back there to use, what the hell?
Evangelist Douche: Sir, I don't see how -
Spazoid: Yea, the border patrol had to arrest him. I had to act all "Holey shit! How the hell did he get in there!" to avoid getting arrested. Boy, was he was pissed!
Evangelist Douche: But you don't get it, I -
Spazoid: He wasn't nearly as pissed as the girl I was seeing at the time. That was her father! I didn't get laid for a month!
Evangelist Douche: *Stammering uncontrollably*
Spazoid: Are we done here? Get off my porch.

Good luck to all!

March 2, 2008 UPDATE!

To those who haven't seen this before, how'd you like this to come knocking at your door? And are you as disgusted as I am?



========

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The Douchebags

You hear the word douchebag a lot. Hey, that guy's a douchebag! Yea, and his girlfriend is a total douche!

But what exactly is a douchebag? Originally, it was a bag filled with vinegar or similar that a woman attached a nozzle to so she could flush the nasties from her slimy cooch. This disgusting device eventually became the name for our lowest ranking members of society. These are the people that think they are absolute hot shit, but are in fact the total opposite. A douchebag is a person who thinks they are genious when in fact they are borderline retarded; a person who is unusually arrogant; a person who is specifically malicious in intent. In other words, just an all around idiot.

Here are some of the douches I've noticed.

The "I'm Cooler than you Douche"

You've seen these people. The guys have short, spiked hair. They spend most of their time at the gym, or in the tanning bed, and compliment it by wearing skimpy wife beaters, designer jeans, and sunglasses no matter what time of the day it is. They usually have a cross around their neck, even though the last time they were at church was when they were christened. The cross is just an attempt to get the Christian ladies in the sack. They frequent night clubs, use all the newest slang, and they use all the latest hand signal slang. You know, three fingers out "what up holmes" kind of stuff. Their shoes are always clean and they have blingy jewelery all over themselves. Unless you're a hottie in the same douchebaggery dress up and using the same douche slang, they shoot you snide looks as if to say "I'm too good for you, buddy". The girls are the same, in skimpy clothes that show off cleavage, same tan, same bleach blonde hair (the curtains don't match the carpet, let me assure you) and the same douchey attitude.

Let's have a reality check with these kings of douche. While they might have all the latest clothes and follow the latest trends, in reality they still live with their parents and spend every cent they earn on this crap and buying drinks at the night club. At the end of the day, they go back to their 10' by 12' bedroom at their moms house and have all their douchey friends over to lie about all the pussy they didn't get at the club the night before. By the time these douches are 30, their lack of education and general better than thou attitudes will land them nothing but the same dead end job and in the same bedroom they've lived in for their entire lives, plus some melanoma for their months spend in a tanning booth. By the time these douches are 50 they'll look like their 80 and if they are lucky they'll be living in some shitty apartment building eating cat food, because that's all their social assistance will pay for.

The "I'm always right" douche

These are the people who are never, ever wrong, especially when they are. They'll argue until they are blue in the face, and even if you show them absolute substantiated proof, they'll insist that the source is wrong. Every action that they do is the right one, and every one that somebody else does is wrong. Even when they find out how wrong they were the hard way, they'll blame it on some other bullshit thing that never really happened. Usually, these people have vast senses of undeserved entitlement and are horrible with money. It really doesn't matter to them, because it's always somebody else's fault and they'll insist it was completely out of their control, even if preventing the problem was plain as day to anyone with any common sense.

Usually, if they promise to help you, they will..... eventually. A normal, sensible person will agree to help you if they have time, and then help you. If they don't, they'll say so, and you'll thank them and move on. These people will tell you it's no problem, of course they can help you, they have lots of time. Time goes by, and you get nothing but excuses. Their kids were sick. The wife worked late. The husband took the car without telling me. I ran short on time because blah de blah blah blah. That's all well and good, except these excuses are the same every single time with every single person. A "I'm always right" douche will even get angry at you when you tell them to forget it, or take it to someone else. They're also the first to gossip when you tell them no, and are experts at manipulating you to do all sorts of things for them. Just try to tell THEM that you don't have time when you don't, up front, like a normal sensible person would. They'll say FINE with an angry look on their face. Douche.

The "environmentalist" douche

An environmentalist douche has a serious "holier than thou" attitude. This person is a rabid environmentalist who paints everyone else but them as part of the problem. They are unable to see the big picture, and think that their personal efforts at recycling, reusing bags and driving a hybrid car would single handedly save the entire planet from environmental disaster, if only everyone else would be just like them.

They live in big houses, use tap water, electricity and natural gas, shop at grocery stores and Wall*Mart. Their environmental efforts mean that they might use a few percent less energy than a similar sized family. The understanding that this will have a negligible effect on the problem as a whole, and it would take a societal paradigm shift to solve the problem is completely lost on them. After all, they are too busy sniffing their shit to confirm it doesn't stink to see just HOW MUCH OF A DOUCHEBAG THEY REALLY ARE!

The "bandwagon" douchebag

These douchebags are similar to the environmentalist douchebags, in that they are unable to see any big picture. Instead, they are swept up into whatever hysteria happens to present itself at that time in an orgy of self gratification. You can usually find these douches at one protest or another, holding up signs and chanting protest when they have absolutely no clue what it's all about. It could be environmental issues, abortion issues, political issues, any issue whatsoever. The douchiest of the lot will protest in favor of one side of an issue first, only to be found a month later protesting for the other side. These people truly do not understand the issues, are not able to make a rational and informed decision, because they are just hysteria driven douches who have something that every douche has: A holier than thou attitude. This makes these people feel that they are better than you, even if they will never admit it. Lousy douches.

The "Status Symbol" douche.

How many people here in North America do you know that drives a giant, gas guzzling 4x4. How often do they actually go off road? How often do they actually haul around 9 people, a load of stuff and a huge trailer verses the amount of time spent driving this monstrosity alone? How many of these vehicles do you see parked at huge, giant mansion style houses.

The fact of the matter is that these people think they have really small penis's (or boobs for the female variety), and need to suppliment it with shit they cannot ever need or use. They think a status symbol shouts to the world "look how important I am!", when it really shouts to the world "Look at me! I'm not well endowed at all!"

The vast majority of these status symbol douches are a paycheck away from total and complete financial breakdown. They don't understand that living comfortably means living within your means, not above it. Your outgoing living expenses should not equal your income. The worst part is, when something happens and they miss a payment, they don't understand what went wrong! Further, these douches look down at people who live within their means as those "Silly poor people". Yea douchebag? When I'm comfortable in my retirement, playing golf and eating well, and you're still working at 95 trying to pay off that oppressive debt, who's going to be laughing then? Not you, douchebag.

There are so many more examples of douchebaggery that I haven't touched on. Suffice it to say, a douchebag is someone who thinks they're better than everyone, all the time. They aren't. They're people who think that they are smarter than everyone. They aren't. They think that they are better than everyone. They aren't. These are the people that think they are beautiful, correct, smart, and the best, without any critical or rational thought processes to back it up.

You are, and you always will be better than a douche, and know it. So next time a douchebag pulls a holier than thou smirk at you, just smile and walk away secure in the knowledge that this person truly is, a douchebag.

=============
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Folks, don't try to kill a Smurf with your bare hand. They make an awful mess. See?


=======

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Those Dirty Fag Suckers

For all of those politically correct overboard junkies, don't get your panties in a bunch. When I refer to dirty fag sucker, I'm talking about cigarette smoking, not the other kind of smoking.

From here on in, cigarettes shall be referred to the proper term "fag", as they are called in England. And I shall refer to fag smokers as "dirty fag smokers", because smoking fags is a dirty, filthy, disgusting habit.

Fag smoking is such a dirty habit, and I'm ashamed to admit that I've done a lot of fag smoking in the past. The first time I smoked a fag, my reflex reaction was to cough, sputter, and spit until every last molecule of the white stuff was expelled from my insides. So what did I do? I took another suck.

Fag sucking first starts off as a result of peer pressure. All of the cool kids are sucking on fags, and all of your friends are sucking on fags. You're offered fag after fag after fag, until finally you give in and start sucking on a fag to fit in. You derive no pleasure from the first few fags. That does not last.

After your body gets over it's initial fag rejection, and you begin sucking more and more fags, you begin to develop a fag buzz. It's a light headed euphoric feeling that fag sucking gives you, and you enjoy it. It's a legal high! No wonder all the cool kids do it!

Soon afterwards, the fags let you down in a big way. You see, your body accustoms itself to sucking on fags, and the fag buzz is replaced with addiction.

That's right my friends, you no longer WANT to suck on a fag. You NEED to suck on a fag.

The more fags you suck, the more fags you need. For those of you who have never been addicted to fag sucking, you can liken it to hunger for food. Your body NEEDS food, and when you go without it your brain can focus on very little but to go find food. Once you have food, and are sated, you mind can focus on other things. That's what it's like with fags. If you go without a fag for too long, your mind can think about nothing but sucking on that long, slim fag until you've had your fill. You're only focus is to go and suck on that fag.

Some people try to justify smoking fags by sucking on the light fags. The problem with light fags is that your body needs a certain amount of fag, and smoking light fags just means you'll smoke more of them and more often to get the fag your body requires.

Once you are truly and thoroughly addicted to fags, it's almost impossible to quit. Doctors say that a fag addiction is harder to give up than cocaine. I agree. Apparently, your body needs the active chemical in fag. Once you start smoking fags, your body stops making the chemical because it gets all it needs from fag sucking. When you try to quit, it takes your body time to adjust to it and start making the fag chemical again. In the meantime, you go CRAZY!

Most who try to give up fag sucking will never do so because they make excuses about it. They say that it's not the right time, that they are too stressed right now. You see, they will always have some sort of stress in their lives, that's what living is all about. Life causes stress, it's a fact. The funny thing is, that the stress they are actually talking about is the stress caused by not sucking on any fags. People insist that after sucking on a fag, their stress level goes down, it calms them, they can focus on other things. The stress is caused by your bodies need for the fag chemical itself! Of course you feel more relaxed after you fill that need!

I gave up dirty fag sucking about 2 1/2 years ago. It was probably the hardest thing I had ever done. Fags are very expensive now. It's ten dollars for a pack of fags, and twenty-five fags come in a pack. Yes, I was sucking on twenty-five fags a day! I went through withdrawal, I got sick, I was stressed, but in the end I did it. I wanted to do it for my health, as fag sucking causes heart disease and lung cancer and a whole host of other maladies, and that scared me. I ended up finally quitting fag sucking for financial reasons. I had just purchase my home and I was very short on money. Could you imagine losing your home for something as silly as the need to suck on fags? The truth of the matter is that it took me almost a whole year before I was completely over my addiction to fags. Long after the chemical dependency has dissipated, the habit is still there. It takes a long time for your brain to adjust to not sucking on fags at break times, at lunch time, in your car, with a coffee, with a beer.

I'm glad I gave it up. Fag sucking is gross. After you suck on a fag, you STINK, and the area STINKS. Fag suckers don't understand how much they actually smell after sucking on fags all day until they stop sucking on fags themselves. Fags also leave stains on your fingers and teeth, and you end up with little fag holes all over your clothing.

Kids, if you've never sucked on a dirty fag before, do not start. If you have started, stop now before it's too late. Trust me, you might think it's cool now, but you WILL regret it when you're older and can't stop sucking on fags.

People of the world unit, let's stop dirty fag sucking!

Business Proposal!

I KNEW having this blog would pay off in a serious way! Check out the email I got a week or two after I put an email addy up on the blog!

FROM: MR.Patrick K. W. Chan (Executive Director & Chief financial Officer)
Hang Seng Bank Limited83 Des Voeux Road,
CentralHong Kong SAR
FOR YOUR ATTENTION

It is understandable that you might be a little bit apprehensive because you do not know me but I have a lucrative business proposal of mutual interest to share with you. I am Mr. Patrick K. W. Chan Executive Director & Chief financial Officer of Hang Seng Bank Ltd. I will need you to assist me in executing a business project from Hong Kong to your country. It involves the transfer of a large sum of money. Everything concerning this transaction shall be legally done without hitch. Once the funds have been successfully transferred into your account, we shall share in the ratio agreed by us both. Please reach me on my private email address: (patkw_chan1@yahoo.com.hk) and after that I shall furnish you with more information’s about this operation. Kind Regards, Mr. Patrick Chanpatkw_chan1@yahoo.com.hk

I'm going to be rich! There's no way I shouldn't trust this guy right? I mean, he did say that it will all be done legally and without a hitch. And he's a bank manager. You can trust the bank, right?

Oh, don't tell him, but once I get the huge sum of money i'm not going to share any ratio with him. What's he going to do, he's just a stranger all the way in Hong Kong!

Oh, all the things I'll buy with this money! I can't wait!

See all you suckers from a beach in Hawaii, drinking a chilled beverage from a coconut!

Sweet!

My First Critic!

Well, my last post, Starbucks is Burnt Crap, was a pretty big hit with most of my readers. I didn't plan for it to come out like that. Similar to most of my posts here, I just start writing from my ass and see what happens.

One of the comments was a sarcastic criticism. Which is GREAT! I couldn't be happier! Actually receiving a criticism means that my blog is getting popular!

Lets be straight here folks. Nobody will like everything and some people feel the need to express their displeasure, rather than doing the reasonable thing and just never coming back to read this blog they didn't like.

But what does that mean to me? That means that I'm starting to hit a nice, BIG and broad audience!

Moooog35 over at Mental Poo got some criticism too. His was nice criticism, constructive criticism, rather than sarcastic crap. His critic complained that his posts were good, but too long. Just a side note here, that I think that the Mental Poo posts aren't long enough. This guy is a friggin gross out comedy GENIUS.

So, let's share! Here's what my first critic, KGB, had to say about the post Starbucks is Burnt Crap.

Stop! My sides hurt from laughing so hard. I got a mini ab workout from reading your post. That "tall/short" bit was classic. Bet no one has ever come up with that gem before. By the by, what is real coffee and what does it taste like? Thought I'd ask you since you seem to be an expert.

The sarcasm is palatable! KGB, I'm wondering, where in that post did I mention that I'm a coffee expert, and why exactly are you taking such offense to my dislike of Starbucks coffee? I like Tim Hortons coffee. I, however, understand that taste is a personal preference and I don't chastise people for their preference. Some people like drinking cat poo coffee, which is fine by me. Why would I care who thinks what is crap? That's pretty small, don't you think?

Do you have a blog? If you do, why didn't you leave the link in the comment box like everyone else? Would you be interested in sharing your work with myself and my readers? You seem to be an expert in humour, so why don't you share some of yours with us since you seem to be such an expert?

HA! How do you like them apples, KGB! Turnabouts fair play, no?

To my fans, thanks for the support! To my critics, sorry I didn't make you laugh. I welcome positive and negative comments, BRING THEM ON!

Small town math Boners

In what grade did you learn how to do basic addition and subtraction? I think I learned in grade two. Addition and subtraction are very basic grade school math skills. I don't think I've EVER heard anyone say "Addition and subtraction! What the hell are we learning this crap for? I have NO idea what real life situations we can apply this to!". The point is, addition and subtraction is easy math skills everybody who went to public school should be able to do, and apply to every day situations.

With that in mind, everybody do the following equation: 40+10-25=?

Everybody got it?

That's right, the answer is 25!

At the small town grocery store across the street from the office I work at, there is a contest going on to win a two minute shopping spree. Every time you buy something you get a ballot to fill out, stuff it in a ballot box and they will do a draw at a later date. Normally, ballot entries have an easy skill testing question, usually the question is a math problem and usually the question varies. Not on this one. The question is the same every single time, and it is the math problem I showed above.

Not only does the ballot question not change, but the answer is written ON THE BALLOT BOX. Right below the entry sign, someone from the store wrote in magic marker "THE ANSWER TO THE SKILL TESTING QUESTION IS 25". Still, there are about a half dozen math equations written on the ballot box from people trying to figure the question out. "Umm, I don't trust THAT equation, even though there's only one way to get the answer on this BASIC math question. I'll redo the math in EXACTLY the same way to confirm the answer."

This boggles the mind. I mean, I was able to easily do the math in my head in about two seconds time. Why do people need to do the math, on the ballot box, for themselves, ignoring that the answer is given and others have done the math too?

But that's not the dumbest part. Someone had done a very interesting and complex equation solving and had gotten an answer of 28. TWENTY EIGHT. How the hell do you get 28 from 40+10-25? And why the hell did this persons equation involve long division anyways?

This is a sad, sad state of affairs people. When basic math cannot be done, how do people function? How do they make change, fill their gas tanks, time cooking? Do small town people all have personal assistants, you know, the kind that help out mentally retarded people?

I guess so, because anyone that cannot get 40+10-25, especially when the answer is given and the problem does not change, needs a personal retard assistant just to get through their day!

I'm beginning to think eugenics is a good idea. SHEESH!

Grand Pooba of small town boners

Ever known somebody that was just a complete retard in every aspect of life?

I used to hang out with a guy by the name of *Pete. Pete was a mutual friend with some other friends of mine. Pete wasn't known for being the smartest guy in the world. His education was minimal, his job was very low end, and this year he finally moved out of his parents house at the age of 31. Pete was a typical small town BONER!

This is not a new story but it is a good one. About 5 years ago, I was at my friends house when they got a call. She picked up the phone, listened for a minute, and then started laughing. She couldn't stop. She managed to get out of her mouth between giggles the words "Pete.... called....the.....cops.... on.... HIMSELF!!!" The rest of us laughed. We're still laughing.

The wonderfully funny sequence of events are as follows:

1.Pete decides to go to the bar

2.The bar is two blocks away so naturally Pete has to drive his riced out Hyundai Tiberon (What else would you spend your money on, being a low income loser living with your folks?)

3.Pete gets hammered

4.Pete gets into his riced up coolio car and cranks the bass to 1 decibel below blowing his windows out

5.After 5 minutes, Pete finds first gear and noses his ricer out of the lot and down the road to his house

6.Pete imagines somebody cutting him off, causing him to jump the curb and hit a small tree

7.Pete calls the police, indignantly insisting they come down so he can give them a description of the "ass who caused his accident" so they can track him down and throw him in jail.

8.The police arrive on scene, find a very drunk Pete, a cracked up ricer, and nobody around. The police arrest Pete.

9.Pete can't believe he got arrested and thinks this is a travesty of justice after he loses his license for a year.

This defies all logic! You call the cops to catch a guy who you think cut you off when you're three sheets to the wind? You want to drive your shitty car to show off to the ladies you aren't going to score with anyways, fine. You get hammered, fine. Your house was only two blogs away. STUMBLE HOME! You crack up your car, and call the cops? What exactly did he think was going to happen? The cops were going to come back five minutes later with the imaginary driver that "caused" his accident? That this guy was going to buy him a new car and the world would be a better place to live in for him?

If this guy had a single brain cell in his head, he would have went home, got out the whiskey bottle, have a drink, then call the cops. Tell them he was so upset he had to go home and have a couple of drinks to clear his head. Or even better, back his car off the tree and push it the half a block home, and discretely get the body work down without saying a word to anyone, lesson learned. Or even better, NOT DRIVEN IN THE FIRST PLACE!!

So, here is the question. How many people out there are dumb enough to call the cops on themselves, or does this guy deserve the boner of the decade award?

*Names changed to protect the idiotic.

And yet again... DUH!

And it continues!

I'm driving home tonight, and what do I see? Some funny guy with a Honda Civic, and a table on top of it.

I know, sometimes you have to do what you have to do. Sometimes I do what I have to do. But if I was to transport a table on top of a Honda Civic, I'd actually strap it down, and NOT hold on to it.

Yes, two passengers, the driver had his hand out the window and was holding onto the table on the roof, and so was the passanger on the other side.

Sigh, sometimes I wonder about the human race.

Small town idiot

I like to assume the best out of everybody. You have to start on a positive foot and work your way down (or up) as he or she proves themselves, right? That works sometimes, but since living and working in a small town for three years now, I've almost started doing the opposite. It's horrible, but true.

Similar to my small town boners post, this is about a particular person that works the municipality . She is the receptionist, and her major role (which she doesn't do very well) is to answer the phone and direct calls. Last week I called in and asked for a coworker.

R: Hello, County of *Edit*. How may I direct your call?
Me: I'd like to speak to (name withheld).
R:Certainly, one moment
ring ring, ring ring
Answering Machine: You've reached the voicemail of (not the right person).
Me: pushing zero to get the operator
R:Hello, County of *Edit*. How may I direct your call?
Me: Yes, I was trying to reach (name withheld).
R:She's on the phone
Me:Ok, but why did you pass me to (not the right person)
R:Because (name withheld) is on the phone
Me:But why her? She's not even in the same department as the person I want to speak to
R:Oh, well, I thought she could help you anyway
Me:She can't even alert the person I want to talk to, she's on the other side of the building!
R:Oh. Well, let me transfer you to (not the right person)
Me: NO! I just came from there! Couuld you please transfer me to (name withheld)voice mail?
R: One moment, please

UHHH DUHHHH! What is going on in that brain of hers? I would understand if she transfered me to the person sitting next to her, that MIGHT make sense. Wow. I wonder if she even remembers her own name? How she functions? I know some people are illogical, but I bet this idiot can't even brush her teeth without poking herself in the eye!

This person also collects money for coffee. Coffee costs $0.25 per cup, and there's a sign over the money can that says "Please see (name of dummy) to make change if you require it." One day I only had a $1.00 coin on me, and I wanted coffee. I poured myself a cup, and made my way to see her for change. I showed her the cup and said "I only have this dollar coin, but I got a coffee. Could you make change?"

She says, ready for this?

"Ok, how much change did you want back from that?"

UUUHHH DUUHHHHHH!

You know, maybe I was the dumb one for not profiting from her stupidity. "I'll need four quarters and two dimes, ok?" I bet she would have given them to me. It's a good thing the even bigger dummies in payroll pay her $18.00 an hour to answer the phone, otherwise she'd squander all her money away on dumb purchases. "How much is this chocolate bar? $1.00? Here's a $5.00, that's not more than one right? No? Ok, see you!"

Is there something in the water, or is it just the teeny tiny gene pool? At the very least, the women around here don't have to change their last names when they get married.

This has just scratched the surface of my small town idiot experiences. I'd like to hear about some dummy run ins of your own, and I'm sure you all have some.

Lousy telemarketers!

It's inevitable. Just as you're sitting down to dinner, or your favorite show comes on, the telephone rings. You answer it, because it might be a work emergency, or a family emergency, or that girl you're chasing has FINALLY come to her senses and wants to tell you she's coming over with whipped cream and a caseload of condoms.

But no, it's not any of the above, it's the dreaded TELEMARKETER!

Telemarketer (in east Indian accent):Hello, is Mr./Mrs. (insert last name) there?
Me: Who's asking?
TM:(In poor english) This is Frank Smith calling and I'd like to tell you about how you can save much money on long distance telephone calls!

At this point I'm wondering how much it's costing him to call me from Bombay?

Many people have different ways of dealing with telemarketers. Some simply hang up, others swear. This poor guy is just doing his job, so I generally try to be polite. On my end of the line, usually you hear "No.. no.. uh.. ah.. no thanks.. ok but.. no... no..... hey.... no... ok.... thanks anyways....bye... no... listen, hey, um... no.... just not... ok.... bye.. BYE!"

I came across this telemarketer prank. It was SUCH genious that I just had to share with everybody. I'd try it next telemarketer, but with my luck it would backfire and I'd end up in jail. Anyways, enjoy, I know I did. Laughed so hard it made me spit milk through my nose..... and I wasn't even drinking milk!




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Lesbians - A quick one for saturday

Friends of my family have a daughter that decided to jump the fence, play for the other team, go for her own kind, bury her face in the rug permanently.... if you don't get my drift she likes other women.

During the last federal election, it was abundantly clear that the Conservatives, Canada's left winger party, were going to attain power according to the running polls. One of the campaign promises was that they were going to abolish the legal right for gays to be married, which spurred many, many rushed gay and lesbian marriages. The family friend's daughter was among them, and she was married to her huswife, Amanda. For those of you who care, the conservative party did attain minority power. The gay lesbian marriage right was put to parliament vote, and parliament voted to keep allowing everybody the right to marriage, as it should be.

Now, Amanda is your typical bull dyke. She's HUGE, her shoulders are big and square, her hair is also square and short, and stands at attention, her arms bristle with manly like muscle and she's got facial hair that teenage boys would die for. She's DEFINITELY the husband in that marriage.

Being a County employee and the mischievous jerk that I am, I went crawling through the County records and found their wedding license. I found that her name was not spelled Amanda. It was a very different spelling that made perfect sense. Ready for this?

AMANduh.

If you didn't get that, just give it a minute to sink in.

I hope nobody expected ever single one of my blogs to be PC!

Fatty Fatty Too Fats

Anybody who thinks they've seen fat people need to visit an all you can eat buffet in small town white bred North America. I live in such a town, and see obesity on a regular basis just going around town. Hey, I'm not talking somebody who's pants are one or two sizes bigger than they should be, I'm talking boobs on men, women with ass's on the back and the front, multiple chins and layers of jiggling rolls.

Recently, a restaurant called King's buffet opened in my little city. It's a Chinese restaurant, and I wanted to try it out. So did my dad, as it's a tradition between me and him to try out any and all new places that open where we live. So off we went one sunny winter afternoon. We arrived to a full parking lot and a full restaurant, and were seated beside a very large man who looked to be in his mid to late 50's, eating by himself. My father and I are not ones to take full advantage of an all you can buffet, we like sampling some of the better things. The guy beside us definately did not share our sentiment, judging from the empty plates piled besides him and the food overflowing on the one in front of him. By the time we finished our salads, this man had finished his 2,000 calorie plus plate and was up for more. As he pushed his plate aside, some repetitive movement caught my eye. This man could not get up from a sitting position under his own steam. He needed momentum. He rocked back and forth, back and forth, faster and faster and faster until he was able to launch himself forward, and with heavy hands on the table hoist himself up. My old man motioned for me to look but I had already seen. We both held in our laughter until he had cleared the desert bar.

Shortly thereafter we noticed a woman so large, that her head was the size of a grapefruit relative to the rest of her body.

At the buffet, I saw a rolly polly wonder of a man drop a chicken wing on the floor, after it rolled off of his mounded plate of deep fried foods. I guess he followed the five second rule, because with great effort, he bent over to retrieve his lost morsel.

Sound like 'you shouldn't be at the all you can eat buffet' stories? These people need to get a clue! If your waist size is double your inseam, don't go to the buffet! If you have to have double doors installed in your house to get in and out, don't' go to the buffet! If you break a sweat getting out of the bed and walking over to the couch, the buffet is NOT the place for you! If your chin(s) are wider than your forehead, time to cut back, fatty!

Why is it that people can't recognize the fact that they are fat, and it is THEIR OWN FAULT! Except for the very few people that have actual medical problems for being fat, it is a simple matter of thermodynamics. If the energy in is greater than the energy out, you're going to be storing the energy, it's that simple. With that in mind, I'd like to list some of the stupid excuses people have for being able to roll without pulling in their arms and legs.

It's Genetic! My mom and dad are fat, so am I! Hello, thermodynamics, anyone?
I don't have time to exercise! Hey, try eating to match your energy output, fatty?
I go to the gym 3 times a week and I'm still fat! I've seen you leaning against the stair stepper and chatting, rather then exercising. Try breaking a sweat.
I just don't have time to cook, I order in. It's really not that hard, but if you order in all the time, try some curries and salads, instead of pizza and burgers. DUH!
It's my thyroid! Oh really? Oh, you haven't seen a doctor, you're making another excuse. Gotcha.
I'm hungry all the time! Yea, I know, I've seen you wolfing down high fat high sugar foods. Try eating GOOD food at a normal pace, you might find you'll fill up and stay full.

One of the funniest things I've seen is people who have those electric scooters to get around, and the only thing that's wrong with them is they're just too fat to walk. Fantastic. What's even better is my government pays for it.

Listen up peoples. Being grossly overweight, except for a very very small portion of the population that have actual medical problems, is YOUR OWN FAULT. Suck it up, and stop whining about it, and do something about it!

Fatty fatty too fats!!