Penis Retreat

No, it's not a resort for homosexuals. It's what happens to your penis at a certain time of the year.

Yes, this is for all those looking to move to Canada from a warmer climate.

Penis retreat is something I forget about until this time of the year. See, as a man, and as a man that does field work on construction sites, there is something that I'm not only accustomed to but that I take for granted.

The ability to whip it out when and where I want and let fly, relieving myself and moving on with my field work. This usually isn't a problem. If somebody is walking along, I just have both the passenger and suicide door open of my truck and piss in front of that, making it look like I'm working on something when in fact I'm draining my lizard.

It's getting cold here. It's about 4 degrees and more like -7 with the wind chill. And I forgot it was cold. That is, until I opened my fly to let my penis out for a draining. But he wasn't there.

See, the cold hit him and he retreated.

He doesn't like coming out in the cold.

So for all of you who may be thinking of coming to Canada, remember this: It can get cold here. And when it does, don't go to the bathroom outside.

That is all.

To a man, from his Junk

Hey there Buddy,

It's been great hanging with you all these years, through thick and thin, with all of its ups and downs.

I don't want to sound like a whiner, but I do have a few things I'd like to ask of you. Firstly, I'd like to get to the underwear.

Boxers are fantastic. They're roomy, airy, and those hairy twins that live under me don't get sweaty and slimy. I hate it when they're slimy; how would you like resting on a booger couch? The only thing I ask - no, insist upon, is you wear the boxers that have a button on the pee flap. I am seriously tired of flopping out and having to dodge the zipper on your pants, ok?

Tighty whities are an absolute no no. The twins get sweaty, and I'm pressed right up against them. One of them has some serious halitosis. It's not fun.

Speaking of halitosis, if you ever, EVER wear a thong again, I'm going to throttle you! I'll go on strike and never work again. The damned thing forces me past the twins to be pretty much face to face with some sort of brown hole. I have no idea what it is, only that it smells like manure and occasionally blows some nasty wind in my face. You're lucky I haven't yet puked.

Puking is the second thing I wanted to talk to you about. You know that girl you picked up last week, the one with a yest infection? She did NOT taste like freshly baked bread like you promised. I had to up chuck the minute I got in there. I did however enjoy her sarcastic disappointment, as well as the screaming to have you drive her to the doctor RIGHT THIS MINUTE for something called a morning after pill. I don't know what a morning after pill is, and besides, it wasn't even close to morning. Women are so silly.

So why exactly is it you force me to puke so often? If its not in some womens stink hole, you choke me until I barf. Every single day too(though the latter is more common than the former). Why are you forcing bulimia on me and then complain I'm not fat enough? Start making some damned sense!

When it's cold, I shrink. That's how I deal with cold. Get used to it. Also, water is generally cold. I'm just letting you know that, because you have this rather large and ill fitting pair of swimming trunks. If they are to fall off I'll get called 'peewee' or 'acorn' and that will damage both of our egos.

My final complaint is in regards to your drinking. I get sick and tired of listening to your alcohol induced crap, so I just go to sleep. I know that doesn't help you with last call women, so ease up on the beer, ok? Also, because I go to bed so early, I'm up bright and early the next morning. I hope you enjoy our wrestling matches in the bathroom.

I think that's everything I wanted to say. Lets chat about this sometime, shall we?

-Your Pal,
The Penis

Hey Schmuck

Listen buddy, that guy that rests on us most of the day? He's a real DICK! Do something about his attitude or we'll stick to your thighs and make you SUPER uncomfortable, ok?

-All the best
The ball brothers

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Business Proposal!

I KNEW having this blog would pay off in a serious way! Check out the email I got a week or two after I put an email addy up on the blog!

FROM: MR.Patrick K. W. Chan (Executive Director & Chief financial Officer)
Hang Seng Bank Limited83 Des Voeux Road,
CentralHong Kong SAR
FOR YOUR ATTENTION

It is understandable that you might be a little bit apprehensive because you do not know me but I have a lucrative business proposal of mutual interest to share with you. I am Mr. Patrick K. W. Chan Executive Director & Chief financial Officer of Hang Seng Bank Ltd. I will need you to assist me in executing a business project from Hong Kong to your country. It involves the transfer of a large sum of money. Everything concerning this transaction shall be legally done without hitch. Once the funds have been successfully transferred into your account, we shall share in the ratio agreed by us both. Please reach me on my private email address: (patkw_chan1@yahoo.com.hk) and after that I shall furnish you with more information’s about this operation. Kind Regards, Mr. Patrick Chanpatkw_chan1@yahoo.com.hk

I'm going to be rich! There's no way I shouldn't trust this guy right? I mean, he did say that it will all be done legally and without a hitch. And he's a bank manager. You can trust the bank, right?

Oh, don't tell him, but once I get the huge sum of money i'm not going to share any ratio with him. What's he going to do, he's just a stranger all the way in Hong Kong!

Oh, all the things I'll buy with this money! I can't wait!

See all you suckers from a beach in Hawaii, drinking a chilled beverage from a coconut!

Sweet!

Penis Library

Today at work, I was putting a document in an envelope to send it via interoffice mail. It's destination was the Paris Library. As I was just about to put it in the appropriate mail slot, my buddy Joe from I.T. showed up.

"Sending something eh?" he said. "Yup, sure am" I replied. Isn't the daily office grind communication great? Anyone who works in an office knows how automated the responses can get. We are just moist robots after all. Today was going to be a bit different however, as Joe said, "Hey! I didn't know we had one of those!" and pointed to where I had written the destination on the envelope.

"One of what?" I said, curious as I was positive he knew where the Paris Library was. I had met him there once. "A PENIS Library!" he chuckled.

I was confused. I was sure I had written "Paris" on the envelope. I looked closer, and there it was. I hadn't lifted the pen between the 'r' and the 'i' in the word Paris, making it look like the word "Penis".

We both had a laugh, and I corrected the spelling. God forbid a stuffy librarian saw that. I'm positive she would assume that I was trying to sexually molest her. Knowing them, they'd call the police and insist on going to the hospital and getting a rape kit done on them, because that's what they do in CSI on TV, right?

That got me thinking though, what would a Penis library be like?

Would the books be of any great LENGTH?

Would there be a WIDE selection?

Hey, would the HEAD librarian look like this guy?

In the Penis Library, would they even carry books, or would it just be models of penises of various colours and sizes. For example, if you were looking for a small penis, would you go to the children's section? If you wanted a penis bigger than 8", would you go to the fiction section?

Would you really really want to borrow something like a penis from a penis library anyways? I would imagine that before borrowing a penis, you'd want to see a certificate of disinfection dated the morning of, right?

I'd imagine that the architecture of the building of a penis library would have columns that look something like this:

And what about refreshments? If there was a cafeteria there, would they only serve phallus looking foods, like this penis pannini?

Or this penis Ice cream? Is it just me, or does she look she's never had a penis ice cream before? And do you really think she's going to share with her daughter?

Would there be an adult section of the penis library, or would that pretty much be redundant?

I know one thing for sure, you'd have to be a real dick to work there!